Nineteen year age gap..selfish behaviour

[Ethsmum]

Not sure where to start.
There’s 19 years between me and my partner, me being the older one, I know and accept we see and like things different.
He’s been banging on about a festival abroad next May bank holiday (his birthday) he really wants us to go to. I’ve said all along it wouldn’t be something I would enjoy. Heavy rock and bands Ive never heard of. My oldest sons goes to see these bands. He’s the sort of person that will go on and on to get his own way and if he doesn’t get it will have a massive tantrum.
So I’ve just said please you go with your friends, nope he said I want you to go, I want to do it with you. He doesn’t really, he will get so drunk and not even notice I’m there. He then tells me we can make it a week (the festival is four days) again I’ve said you go I’m not going.
He hasn’t been faithful to me years ago when we first got together, and in our four years break he worked abroad with his ex, I know he wasn’t faithful to her too, he went abroad because again it’s what he wanted to do.
He really doesn’t have a cut off switch when it comes to drinking, I know he’s does other stuff too.
So yesterday he’s told me he’s booked a week away for this festival for both of us. I’m not going so now he’s looking to take some else with him.
He never suggests or books anything for us, sits on his phone watching videos or tick tok, or plays games on the tv and just binge watches a programme. We watch what he wants to watch. He does very little at home to help, will quite happily watch me do everything.
I have a disabled child so it really takes some organising for me to get away for a few days. This was not even taken into consideration.
He openly admits he’s very selfish, which he thinks excuses him when he does something unacceptable.

The other month he went out in the week to see a band, came home so drunk he could hardly stand… urinated on my carpet because he couldn’t make it to the loo, told me I was making a ball ache of it while I cleaned it up. When he was sober he was sorry, didn’t even offer to pay for the shampoo for the carpet cleaner. Lol
I know how he can treat me like shit but he treats everyone like it. Having said that we do love each other.
But this holiday thing has really highlighted his selfishness, he will be like a kid in a candy store (yes I can get insecure) he owes money to me and other people, there so much more I could write, but I’ve probably bored you all already.
Friends tell me he doesn’t realise what he’s got and I could do so much better. They say he’s batting? I’m not afraid of being on my own at all, been there ! So why do I put up with his shit?
Feeling fragile please go gentle

You are his mammy with the exrra benefit of snagging.

Except many manmies would not put up with his behaviour around around the house Inc making you clean up his piss from the carpet.
What's the story with his actual parents?
Did they "encourage" him to move out? Are they glad to have him out so he's no longer their problem/pain in the arse in the home?

Your child shouldnt have to put up with a lazy, user, disrespectful, selfish, teenage boy who's not in any way related to him, installed in his home.

*shagging, obviously

Is he 18?

I mean ....

Ageee with the poster abive that he'll probably be a selfish user no matter what his age, but if he's an teenage boy... really, what do you expect?

Teenagers and early 20 somethings are generally in party, squat-living, learning about relationships (often with a distinct lack of fidelity) mode ..... that is not compatible with late 30s adult, responsible, parent mode.

I don't understand why you got involved in the first place. At nearly twenty years you get than you, he's young enough to be your son.

Your ex was abusive; this board is chock full of women whose exs were abusive.

It can be hard to find a sane age partner because most people are coupled up, so I find women sometimes end up with much younger or much older and neither work out for various reasons. This is a perfect example of why younger rarely works out.

And if you've caught him cheating before, I have to wonder if he still does/still would.

He's just a user, and no offence but you should know better.

You don't have to have a partner.

You're valid single.

You may need counselling re your previous relationship/marriage if you're getting into relationships like this after it.

Did he seem.non threatening because he's so young? Did you feel you'd be in a position of control & confidence because he was so young?

Or did you think "he's interested in me, noone else would be, I better take this opportunity to have a partner" because your ex wrecked your self esteem & confidence so much?

He sounds like a 19 year old.

What does he add to your life that is good- kind, caring, supportive and loving? Make a list (although it might be a short one) and weigh up if this relationship is worth it.

He’s using you. He probably laughs about you bankrolling him and cleaning up his piss when he’s with his mates. What is the point of him? Why do you choose to be treated this badly?

Get rid of him, and do a lot of soul searching before getting into another relationship. Good luck.

Regardless of the age gap- he's not treating very well. You deserve someone better.

He thinks he can do as he likes because his youth makes him the prize. He is wrong. Young men who do as they please and leave you to clean up after them are a dime a dozen. If you wanted to replace him you'd have a queue.

I haven't read the full thread but have read OP's posts. I'm glad you've seen that this relationship is far from ideal.

I have a 19 year age gap. I'm the young one. We have our differences but we make an effort to join the other with their interests. We take an equal share in housework, although perhaps play to our strengths, so he will do most of the cooking and I will wash up after.

Most importantly, we want to spend time with each other, even if it is doing something one of us isn't particularly keen on. You should want to go to the festival, not because you enjoy the music, but because you want to go away together.

You can clearly do better than this guy. He's using you for security and to be looked after, even if he doesn't realise it.

LOL @ him pissing on the carpet that you then clean up? Get some self respect.

And he's a cheater as well. What a catch.

Look, you have written it all out and now you can see how bad the situation really is. Sometimes it takes putting it down in words to actually realise what's going on. You do not need this man in your life, at all.

I am not sure how old you are OP, but surely old enough to realise that this isn’t a proper relationship.
He is not your ‘partner’. He is using you for a nice place to live and the lifestyle you pay for. And it’ll only get worse.

As for why you put up with it, as someone with a gap even bigger than yours, it has always been important to me that he didn't miss out on being young because of me. This has meant that I've tolerated things that I wouldn't in other circumstances, lots of going out, lads holidays and so on, which is I think where you've come from. Only yours has taken advantage of you, and is going too far. While I am tolerant, there are minimum standards for behaviour. I won't be pressured, where lifestyles clash we do our separate things, I won't be disrespected, and I won't be inconvenienced. As i said before, youth does not make you a special prize to be hung onto at all costs.

Sounds a useless waste of space with reprehensible habits…

@pinkfondu

Why have you saddled yourself with this extra child????

This

Let him go. Away. For good. Now.

You need to figure out why you subject your family to this complete and utter loser, and why your standards are so shockingly low. Do yourself a favour and stay single.

Well, you're dating a child so...

He sounds like he's around the same age as my son and his friends, and that's what they do at that age. Drink ridiculous amounts, watch videos and play around on Tiktok, show little responsibility etc. Actually most of them aren't even that bad - I'd be horrified if I thought DS was behaving like that.

Sounds like you're more of a mother figure to him - cleaning up his messes etc. Can't think of many things more unappealing in a relationship to be honest.

No hesitation in saying get him out.
You don't deserve to be saddled with an absolutely useless, pathetic lazy man-lump. Nobody needs that. Also, he sounds quite disgusting

Did you ever learn what love really is?

People say “we’re in love” to justify anything and everything in terms of behaviour.

So here I will spell out what love is:

Trust, kindness, honesty, respect, admiration, loyalty and caring.

Does he have any of these qualities?

It sounds like you’d benefit from some sessions with a counsellor who would help you leant how to value yourself more.

Right now it’s doormat level.

Give yourself the best Christmas present possible and get rid of this horrible man. Can you afford to write off the money he owes?

OP There is nothing wrong with you. You are bogged down by this child of a man and have no partner to talk to because he is not a partner in the real sense of the word.

So allow us on here to be that person.

He is like a child. He is not supportive. You cannot rely on him, and you cannot reason with him.
Cut him loose. You do not have to fall out but you do not need his annoying presence in your life any more.
Once he is gone you will feel an innate sense of relief and that you have got something back that you lost along the way.

It's not about his age, it's his behaviour that's a problem. He sounds awful, you can do better.

Does he work, does he pay towards bills and food.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry you are mired in the situation. You deserve so.much.better. You know you do.

I hope you find the strength to send him packing sooner rather than later.

Early Christmas present for yourself?