Partner lied about his sexual past

[Mangolovegirl]

Me and my my boyfriend of 3 years, come from quite conservative backgrounds. He told me he slept with 2 out of his 3 girlfriends before and no one else. He admitted to messing around with 7 or so others not sex. I had only two partners in total before. We both were jealous of each other’s past.
Recently I met a woman who also said they had dated years ago for a year. I told him about it and he admitted lying that he was with her and he actually slept with the girl before me, and he had 7-8 one night stands/flings he didn’t tell me about. After this all came out he also lied about having used porn, which I found out and he says he was too embarrassed to admit after all the lies that came out.
He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of his whole sexual past.
He used to treat me like a princess generally in the relationship, really thoughtful, kind, made efforts.
There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about. Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for. He’s admitted to all his mistakes, he is changing his bad behaviours and is truly sorry for his lies and bad behaviour. He’s shown that he’s much more calm, understanding now. I don’t know if this is all forgivable? I feel really jealous about all the past. The girl before me he said didn’t meet his parents but they did. Everything was downplayed and I don’t know what to do.
Help!

The key word is is PAST. Doesn't matter now, surely? What is important is your relationship today, not what happened before in previous relationships. That's gone, in the PAST.

Him kicking walls is not ok

But his sexual past is totally irrelevant. You need to let it gooooooooo.

It sounds like there are a few things going on ..

Your relationship seems quite unhealthy. His past is none of your business ( as yours is none of his).

However.... His violence and controlling nature is a giant worry.
Are you sure this relationship is worth investing in?

It sounds like he's not the only one needing therapy if you're jealous of women he's no longer dating.

Start again with the truth

He has lied to you repeatedly, no at t er what the motivation was behind that he thinks nothing of lying to you in a fairly new relationship. I doubt that you would be happy to find out in the future that he has continued to lie to you. I would be rethinking the relationship entirely.

"There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about. Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for. He’s admitted to all his mistakes, he is changing his bad behaviours and is truly sorry for his lies and bad behaviour. He’s shown that he’s much more calm, understanding now. I don’t know if this is all forgivable? "

The lying sounds like the least of your worries, tbh.

'Women, you are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him. You want a partner, not a project' Julia Roberts

His past is none of your business tbh, why did you even want to know? Sounds like he knew how judgemental you’d be so he downplayed everything.

Why does it matter to you? What difference does it make? He’s only lied because he’s told you what he thinks you want to hear.

He's a liar and some liars never change...
Probably only apologising because he got caught...
Listen to your gutt feeling...

There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about

I hope these violent outbursts were not because you wouldn’t do certain sexual things with him.

In any event I’d get shot.

Well it's up to you obviously but from what you've said-

• he was so 'jealous' about your past that he was uncontrollably angry punching things etc. Really not good the violent reaction
• and that was his reaction even though he had had many more partners
• that he lied to you about
• personally I hate porn, standard content incredibly misognistic essentially all about male sexual dominance over women.. Given the above two things. Together looks really bad

And this is guesswork obv. But he treated you like princess at start. Then when turned out 2 exes got v v aggressive. Both from 'traditional' backgrounds. Watches porn...
Sounds like it's virgin /whore views. Possibly. Sorry for using that phrase.

Dump him. It's not like you've been together for years and years. I'm assuming no children.

Have a look at your views from your background because while they are what they are, the jealousy you felt over his past is going to affect future relationships if you can't get a handle on it. Because in all honesty finding a man with no previous sexual experience is extremely unlikely. Let alone one who doesn't use/ hasn't used porn.

There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about.

This is way more worrying than his previous relationship history, this isn’t acceptable behaviour, this here is what your issue is, not whether his past girlfriend met his parents - I think you need to readjust your priorities.

The past is the past, and if you're going to enter grown up relationships, you are going to need to accept that all potential partners will have a past. Getting jealous about it is just childish.

However..... violent liars are not the type of men to form relationships with. He's shown you who he is - why on earth are you staying with him? You are not a rehabilitation centre for this man.

I think you both need therapy to help dealing with your hang ups about sex and insecurities around it.
(In addition in to his anger issues)

You were not virgins when you met. Both clearly ashamed of it in some ways.
However, this relationship has no future If you dwell on the number of past partners.
3, 4, 7 - who really cares. It’s greater than 0.
And he didn’t have to tell you exactly details, and neither did you. Past is private. People share what they feel comfortable.

This relationship sounds utterly toxic. This is NOT what healthy relationships look like. You BOTH need to work on your jealousy issues before trying to date.

Hmm, on one hand it’s fine to say this past is his business but he’s now a proven and prolific liar, doesn’t matter what the subject matter. He tells you things he knows aren’t true. It doesn’t matter why.

Oh, and he’s violent. They punch walls then they punch you.

It’s a dysfunctional toxic mess. You’re very bad news for each other.

Get therapy for yourself and work out why you’ve been putting up with this and how to deal with your unhelpful attitude to sex and relationships before dating again.

You've forgiven the violence and control issues but struggling to forgive the number of times he had sex prior to you?

You have your priorities ALL wrong!

No one’s past is anyone else’s business, it is beyond me why anyone has conversations about how many people they have or haven’t slept with.

You both sound desperately emotionally immature re your jealously of each other’s pasts. Grow up.

His punching of walls is your big problem though.

DUMP HIM. You don’t need anyone in your life who can’t control their temper and resorts to physical violence. Combine that with his bizarre possessiveness and sexual jealousy and it could soon be you not the wall he’s punching.

I suspect all this drama makes you think you guys are having a great love affair. You aren’t, people who love each other are nice to each other.

Whilst everyone has a past, and whatevers gone before shouldn't cause issues in new relationships, if you've chosen to discuss your pasts with each other, then you should be truthful. If you don't want to be truthful, then don't discuss it. To tell someone you've had 2 partners when you've had a whole string of partners isn't fair. If you've slept around, and have no reason to feel bad, why not be honest? If you've done it, own it!

To be honest OP you don't really know this guy, he's started out lying, he's hidden his true self, and now the mask is slipping. He lied about his sexual history, but he's judging you for yours. He's judging you by his own standards. His violence, manipulative ways and his whole self is who he's showing you. See him for what he is. Punching walls,jealousy, nasty if he doesn't get his own way... These are all bad traits.

There's others out there without this much hassle. I'd cut your losses and set your bar much higher. Honest, trust and safety are the very least you should be seeking in a relationship. He's a liar and has abusive traits. Get out before he stops hitting and punching walls and starts hitting, bullying, punching you!

I wouldn't be bothered about a man sleeping with 100 + women as long as they don't have bad behavioural problems like this ...

Who kicks walls! He's not three

His sexual past is none of your business, so let's make that clear from the start.

The violent behaviour should be a deal breaker, and him going to therapy shouldn't matter a jot. You both sound very immature, honestly.

I wouldn't be dumping him over his dating history. I've never asked anyone how many people they've slept with and I wouldn't divulge that info either. If someone needed to know that, I'd be concerned about control and jealousy issues. Which is exactly how it's turned out for you. With added violence if he doesn't get his own way. And I definitely would dump him for that.

Run.

I have a very robust backstory of sexual partners and am not judging , but he lies to you about things.

Yeah it’s the past, but he needs to tell you if you ask. Sure his history isn’t your business until you both decide it is, or you make it clear it is. Because you have a right to ask and make you own choices. He has a right not to answer. These people here trying to shame you for what info you find important are hypocrites.

You can find whatever important. He had all the time in the world to talk to you about it yet lied. He’s a full on liar.

He will cheat. Believe it. He doesn’t value honesty.

Run.

Oh! I never ask sexual history either, but it’s not important to me.

To you it might be! Him lying and acting this way should!

You’re allowed to find your own criteria for a partner important. It’s wild for hypocrites to pretend they don’t have their own.

Stay strong in what you feel you want. Don’t tolerate lying. Don’t dumb down your needs.

You have one life. Don’t waste it on the liars.