Partner lied about his sexual past

[Mangolovegirl]

Me and my my boyfriend of 3 years, come from quite conservative backgrounds. He told me he slept with 2 out of his 3 girlfriends before and no one else. He admitted to messing around with 7 or so others not sex. I had only two partners in total before. We both were jealous of each other’s past.
Recently I met a woman who also said they had dated years ago for a year. I told him about it and he admitted lying that he was with her and he actually slept with the girl before me, and he had 7-8 one night stands/flings he didn’t tell me about. After this all came out he also lied about having used porn, which I found out and he says he was too embarrassed to admit after all the lies that came out.
He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of his whole sexual past.
He used to treat me like a princess generally in the relationship, really thoughtful, kind, made efforts.
There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about. Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for. He’s admitted to all his mistakes, he is changing his bad behaviours and is truly sorry for his lies and bad behaviour. He’s shown that he’s much more calm, understanding now. I don’t know if this is all forgivable? I feel really jealous about all the past. The girl before me he said didn’t meet his parents but they did. Everything was downplayed and I don’t know what to do.
Help!

I think both of you are as bad as each other with this unhealthy obsession with each other's sexual histories, to be honest. Why on Earth does it matter whether he's banged 1 person or 1000 people before he met you and vice versa? Presumably, he's not suggesting he brings his previous lovers into your bedroom? Then just leave it be. You both need to accept you had lives before you met each other for goodness sake. Unless you happen to be a bottle of olive oil, your virginity is no indication of your quality and that applies to both of you.

The punching of walls and losing his temper like that is a separate issue. If it was me, I'd be dumping him for that not for the sexual history. He sounds like a complete prat and something of a man-baby really.

Unless he was a gigalo or had slept with 50 girls his past doesn’t really matter. His porn use is totally normal and not worth upsetting yourself over, all guys do it.

@NotaCoolMum

This relationship sounds utterly toxic. This is NOT what healthy relationships look like. You BOTH need to work on your jealousy issues before trying to date.

💯 % Finish this relationship. Do some work on your issues before you date again.

I find the people who say other people's sexual histories are none of your business are the ones who are embarrassed by their own history.

How many people are you asking about their sexual history?!

Believing something is nobody else's business doesn't equal shame.

I don't think my health issues or diagnoses are anyone else's business but that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of them.

Ditto plenty of other things I consider private.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I agree with her - it’s like “how dare you judge me for this thing I thought should be hidden”.
People who don’t think their sexual history is out the norm or too much don’t have a problem disclosing it to partners. That’s doesn’t mean it’s right for partners to obsess over it however.

Me think those saying past sexual history doesn’t matter protest too much.

'I find the people who say other people's sexual histories are none of your business are the ones who are embarrassed by their own history.

How many people are you asking about their sexual history?!'

Quite, @youvegottenminuteslynn

This is a proper 'Me and my army' statement. They get used when someone doesn't feel their point is strong enough if they're the only one saying it.

Maybe he said what he thought you wanted to hear, to impress you. Maybe he thought he if he said the real truth, you wouldn’t be interested.

From your post, the violence is more worrying than his sexual history.

@TheGirlCat

If he has truly stopped those behaviours and you believe he has changed and he has demonstrated that, then yes imo he does deserve a chance if he has demonstrated he has changed.

This also

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I agree with her - it’s like “how dare you judge me for this thing I thought should be hidden”.
People who don’t think their sexual history is out the norm or too much don’t have a problem disclosing it to partners. That’s doesn’t mean it’s right for partners to obsess over it however.

Me think those saying past sexual history doesn’t matter protest too much.[/quote]
I really don't care, but I know my partner is sensitive to my sexual past so I keep it private.
So I don't broadcast it for his sake.
I spent several years having the time of my life, dating and having sex like a young, carefree man, it was incredible. I'm not ashamed, but unfortunately toxic masculinity means that to some people I am "tainted" or a threat.
I'm not about to change society by letting people know how many men I've enjoyed in my bed. Why make things difficult for myself? People are judgemental (see upthread)
I'd do it all again tomorrow if I hadn't settled down.

As I said before, his behaviour is the wory here, not his sexual past.

@TheGirlCat

If he has truly stopped those behaviours and you believe he has changed and he has demonstrated that, then yes imo he does deserve a chance if he has demonstrated he has changed.

I don't think it's about deserving it. He didn't deserve the chance at that time. But he was given it anyway and it's ok to deal with the reality as it is here and now.

People do grow. It should never be on the abused or wronged partner to give them a chance to do so, and it's sadly rare that they do to the point where "leave" is good advice.

BUT.. if he has, if things are ok now and it was seemingly a matter of developing and growing to this point, then it's ok to decide what to do based on the current reality. He should just count himself lucky.

But get over each other's sexual history, seriously.

You say he's changed but how would he react if he bumped into an ex of yours you hadn't told him about?
Would he get angry if your body count jumped from 2 to 10?

So he's had relationships before he met you and had sex with maybe 10 people total in his life...

What's your problem? And what is he ashamed of? Sorry but you both sound bonkers.

Your relationship sounds very toxic and immature. You're both bad for each other.

And you shouldn't be treated like a "princess" you should be treated like an equal if you really want a good relationship.

Don’t berate me for asking but @Mangolovegirl are you both Christian? This scenario is unfortunately quite common when religious beliefs are involved.

My best friend was exactly where you are just a few months ago. And her bf couldn’t handle the shame of having sexual partners before marriage and he ran away. Literally ghosted everyone they knew and moved in with his mum 300 miles away.

Not a big deal to most of us - but it is when you have beliefs.

Just a thought toxic either way though.

@Inquisitivearchitect
yes both religious, I stuck to my morals and he said lust got the better of him. He knew that it would be embarrassing, and he was ashamed to be truthful to me as I was someone who stuck to my values. I think when we met, we were really into each other and felt a great connection. Perhaps he was too afraid to risk losing it over his past mistakes. Doesn’t excuse the lying but makes it understandable somewhat given the cultural pressures.

The outbursts of hitting the wall/kicking things were not often as I said and when it happened I made it clear I won’t tolerate it, so he stopped even before these lies were exposed. I think he just needed a lot of growing up to do. I do believe he sees that he was extremely toxic and had terrible emotional maturity. Now I’ve seen him be much more composed. When a difficult situation arises, I can almost see him calm himself down, act rationally and fairly. There’s no emotional abuse trying to control the outcome.
I do wonder if people can change, grow up and mature for a relationship with someone they love.
He says all his previous relationships were immature love, not true love because if it was, he would’ve treated people better and made more effort to make things work. With me, since it all got exposed, he has stuck and worked through all his Issues. One thing is he has been Copt to all his pitfalls and admits where he is wrong.

@Mangolovegirl that makes a lot of sense. I don’t know how to help you but all I know is that it’s really common unfortunately. And the shame and guilt (and admitting the truth) does lead to aggressive behaviour and weird outbursts.

I’m so sorry that I can’t be more useful.

If you’re Christian then youthscape offer a lot of support via podcasts and they are useful to adults as well.

It’s a difficult one. My heart goes out to you both going through this. But just know, you aren’t alone and he isn’t alone x

Wow,.

Just ridiculous.

You have women on here that were lied to and put their own sexual Heath at risk… AND also their ability to find other partners if they caught the wrong STI… here STILL trying to shame you for caring about this.

Ridiculous.

You should care about what is important to you. This is coming from a woman who doesn’t find # of partners an issue.

Don’t let any of these women try to shape what you find important, that’s up to you!

If just having your own reasons aren’t enough (sad as hell): he lied. He lied full on knowing you’re heart, trust, and openness.

He’s still lying I bet. Lying about much more. Please get space. It’s not up to you to right his wrongs.

@JustKittenAround but as long as OP took proper precautions before sleeping with him her sexual health isn't at any more risk because he slept with more women than originally claimed.

If he'd cheated that'd be different.

Oh! You can’t believe what he says!

He LIED and you had to find out in such a truly embarrassing and low way. Shameful!

How embarrassing for you…seriously my own sense of worth would have made me want to distance myself from him. That trashy element of how it all went down…. You left looking the dummy just because you trusted him ..lck

Drink it all in… he did that to you. Stop being the dummy. His words need to be proven now and a good man would accept that.

You’re either wise enough to understand these simple facts and operate from that standpoint, or you are not.

You had to catch him out. Disgraceful.

[quote girlmom21]@JustKittenAround but as long as OP took proper precautions before sleeping with him her sexual health isn't at any more risk because he slept with more women than originally claimed.

If he'd cheated that'd be different. [/quote]
Proper precautions don’t protect from everything…. Also this is not that. This is not oh we had safe sex two adults being honest with each other type of deal. So we can stop with that mess.

A lying partner who has been caught out lying about sexual partners and also to those here the timing of such IS A REAL concern.

Oh and yes statistically the more partners you’ve had the more risky of a partner you have become.

Liars lie. They will lie about partners. Lie about being tested. Lie about cheating.

Do as you like, but I’m not about to tell this woman she needs to be more worries, just like any other woman in this situation.

Crap sorry… typos galore.

But naw, I’m not going to take this lightly in my advice. But OP can ignore it. She probably will anyways.

OP, you can surely see how unhealthy it is to be focused on your partner's past, by the way he has previously responded to yours? When he was punching the wall out of jealousy about you having slept with other people, did he have a good reason to be? Were you secretly holding a candle for all of those other people? If no - it's more than likely the same for him. You don't need to waste any more energy thinking about his past than you do about yours.

However, sorry to say it but I would find it hard to forgive this in the context of the EXTREMELY hypocritical response he had to you having had a couple of sexual partners, knowing he had had several more himself. If he had had less sexual partners than you, his anger would still have been unacceptable but it would have been more easily excused as emotional immaturity. But the fact that he reacted that way having actually had many more sexual partners than you shows a deeply worrying, misogynistic double standard about how men and women should behave. At the very least, deep hypocrisy.

This man is just looking like a walking red flag. Everything about him sounds toxic.

@JustKittenAround what I'm saying is, if she and her partner have both been tested since they've been together and have been using condoms, for example, the amount of partners before that doesn't matter

@aSofaNearYou

Yes I understand what you’re saying.
So he wasn’t jealous about the number of partners, just a specific partner who was really special to me and he knew this and felt jealous that I didn’t feel the same way for him. I think it was a case of severe retroactive jealousy on one person. He never cared about number.

@Inquisitivearchitect
Thank you for your kind words. I think i agree with a lot of what everyone has replied, however I think it’s hard for anyone to understand the shame aspect he probably felt unless you’re from a similar reserved background. I think in our culture and religion it is strongly looked badly upon so his lying was out of fear. His jealousy and hypocrisy was totally uncalled for and this is something he’s admitted came from a place of insecurity.
The anger and aggression again to me seemed to be emotional immaturity.
I wonder if I’ll ever find a person who matches me in all other ways again and someone I’ll find a great connection with. I can say that the love we have for each other is deep which is why I am still here. There have been many coincidences, intuitions and a friendship type of relationship otherwise between us. It’s very hard to let go of.