Partner lied about his sexual past

[Mangolovegirl]

Me and my my boyfriend of 3 years, come from quite conservative backgrounds. He told me he slept with 2 out of his 3 girlfriends before and no one else. He admitted to messing around with 7 or so others not sex. I had only two partners in total before. We both were jealous of each other’s past.
Recently I met a woman who also said they had dated years ago for a year. I told him about it and he admitted lying that he was with her and he actually slept with the girl before me, and he had 7-8 one night stands/flings he didn’t tell me about. After this all came out he also lied about having used porn, which I found out and he says he was too embarrassed to admit after all the lies that came out.
He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of his whole sexual past.
He used to treat me like a princess generally in the relationship, really thoughtful, kind, made efforts.
There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about. Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for. He’s admitted to all his mistakes, he is changing his bad behaviours and is truly sorry for his lies and bad behaviour. He’s shown that he’s much more calm, understanding now. I don’t know if this is all forgivable? I feel really jealous about all the past. The girl before me he said didn’t meet his parents but they did. Everything was downplayed and I don’t know what to do.
Help!

The kicking and punching walls is the thing I'd be worried about.
Sexual past is irrelevant unless someone hasn't been totally safe, but this can be taken care of with a quick sti test.
Turns out my number is 5 times my partners, does he GAF? No. Do I? No. It's no-ones business but our own unless it puts them at risk.

I don’t think the issue here is what has happened in the past, it is about the present and his current behaviour.

Someone’s sexual past is nothing to do with anyone else.

Violent and frightening behaviour is.

You could have stopped with 'Partner lied.'

You don't trust him, you're anxious, he's violent.

He’s admitted to all his mistakes

How do you know? Of course he's 'doing the right thing' when he knows you've found out. But he lies, so there could be any number of things he's not admitted to.

How much 'wrong' do you need before you call it quits on a relationship? Why do you need more than this?

The guy you're looking for will have you feeling safe, cared for, secure emotionally, and will value honesty and trust. Why aren't you looking for him, at the expense of spending time with a liar?

My partner knows nothing about my past boyfriends/one night stands as it is my past and nothing to do with him. I don't care about his either

Out of curiosity how old are you both?

Just dump him and move on. No one needs this crap.

There's no reason to stay - just get on with you life and be happy.

Well it is his past not yours. My DH doesn't know everything about my love life before he arrived on the scene. He knows what has been relevant and what I am comfortable with telling him.

That said, your P sounds violent and unpredictable. And immature.

You both need to move on.

My DH lied. He told me he hadn’t slept with someone for a year before we met but I found out it was actually a month and they hadn’t used protection. I was extremely unhappy he had put my sexual health at risk but I am not a jealous person and couldn’t give a crap about how many people he’d slept with.

He doesn’t even know, at least 30 apparently. Whereas I’ve only been with a few people. It doesn’t matter to either of us and it shouldn’t matter to you.

Maybe he lied because of your jealousy? Maybe he’s a pathological liar? Who knows.

I find the people who say other people's sexual histories are none of your business are the ones who are embarrassed by their own history. I would certainly be happy to discuss mine in any relationship and I would want to know the past of my OH and always have ranging from never slept with anyone before to can't remember the names of half the people I've slept with. Being jealous about it though is ridiculous.

For me the lying is a huge deal. He doesn't value honesty and that's a deal breaker to me. The fact that he punches stuff when he gets angry is also a deal breaker - how long before he's punching you?

I'd get out now OP before you get in any deeper. I wish I'd paid attention to the red flags early on in my relationship.

Sod the past is the past he lied and then got violent over your past.

He’d be dumped

Lots of people are saying that your / his sexual past doesn’t matter. But I’m guessing they are from a different religion / culture than you and for you, yes it does matter. And that’s oK for you have your own values / standards / beliefs.

I just wanted to say that up front . It’s very hard to shake off all your cultural and religious upbringing and it’s not anyone else’s place to say that you should.

But like PP I’d be very VERY concerned about the

Lies
Anger
Violence
Controlling behaviour
Jealousy
Double standards
Porn use

My guess is that your culture / religion forbids all of these things too ( as well as sex outside marriage). Is that right ?

And of course some of these things are also a crime - like the violence and controlling behaviour.

So I’d be thinking really REALLY hard as to whether this man will be a good husband and father. Because these are serious SERIOUS red flags.

And it’s well known that these issues will escalate sharply as soon as you are married or pregnant . Many men don’t even start this behaviour until then, so it’s a bad sign that he has started now before you are even tied to him. 😞

I know you say that he’s sorry and is trying to improve. But it’s not really about him “ trying to be better “. Things like the constant lies , the aggression and the controlling behaviour are part of his character , they are very VERY hard to change.

It’s not like eg giving up smoking ( which is hard enough). These things are who he is, how he interacts with people ( especially women ) , how he deals with problems.

It’s not a question of whether you forgive him or not. You can forgive him AND still decide to walk away. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to stay with him or marry him. You can forgive him and still decide he’s not the right man for you.

I’d strongly encourage you to go for counselling by yourself. If you can afford for him to have weekly therapy you can afford weekly counselling ( which is usually cheaper ) for you.

It can help to talk to someone who is outside your family and friends and is not invested in a particular outcome. They will just be there for you and help you work out what you want.

Did you end up forgiving him?

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I think the difficult thing is he is very much a part of my family, and has always treated them with love and respect. The times which he acted with aggression were times where I probably pushed the same topic and he didn’t have the right coping mechanisms. If the lies weren’t exposed I can guarantee he wouldn’t have changed all the other bad behaviours. I truly do love him and I do wonder if sometimes a really serious situation can cause a person to change for the good?

So I’ve put him in some testing situations in the past 6months, brought up his bad behaviours, lies, and reminded him constantly. He has stayed calm, showed no anger, has been much more understanding. He’s not shown any sign of control and only been loving and kind. Is it ridiculous to think he has changed? I deep down feel he is a good person with a good heart who made bad choices and never knew how to deal with his emotions.

I can say he is very sorry and maybe due to cultural reasons had deep shame and so lied? With regards to the punching things it happened 2 times in 3 years. The control not about who I spoke to/drinking/going out/clothes etc.

I appreciate everyone’s answers, I suppose it seems no one thinks a person deserves a chance to change?

I suppose it seems no one thinks a person deserves a chance to change?

If they've been aggressive and frightened or harmed someone, no they don't. They deserve the chance to work on themselves, but their victim is certainly not obligated to give a second chance.

That said, you say he is a much calmer person these days. Maybe he has matured. I think you should stop testing him.

Also both of you need to stop being jealous over the fact that you both dared to have lives before you met each other. There could be a man walking around right now who will be your partner in ten years. Should you immediately become celibate so he will have less reason to be jealous when you finally meet? No, that would be daft. You need to reframe it. Your past experience were what brought you into each others lives (for better or worse). Focus on your present and future, they are the only things you have any control over.

Don't stay with him because he's well in with your family. If they're suggesting you give him another chance then their opinion doesn't matter, it's not them who's marrying him. Look into sunk cost fallacy and make decisions based on what's right for you now, not on how much shared history you have or how tied together your lives are already. If you think disentangling now would be difficult, imagine how much harder it'd be when you're married with children.

6 months is no time, people can hide ther true selves a lot longer than that. There's a chance he's changed, but there also a chance he'll revert back to his old self the moment you're married, pregnant, after the birth, when the child starts growing up and getting opinions of their own. Or just if the novelty of marriage and family life wears off. Basically he could revert at any time. If you stay together will you be facing constant low level anxiety wondering when or if it'll happen? That's no way to live.

The part where you blame yourself for "pushing things too far" and he "didn't have the right coping mechanisms" is excuses. His actions were not your fault in any way. Maybe he didn't have the right coping mechanisms and maybe he has now, but just because he's learned to deal with anger differently doesn't mean he won't use other means instead of the the threat of violence to control you. It doesn't matter what his controlling behaviour was about or what form it takes. It's not only bad if it's about who you are socialising with or your appearance. Controlling behaviour is bad full stop.

Sign up for the Women's Aid Freedom Program it'll teach you what a healthy relationship looks like as well as how to spot red flags. And get counselling o some other therapy to sort out your shame about past sexual encounters and your jealousy, because until you do you're not in a healthy position to date anyone. If you've got your own head sorted out and you're strong in yourself, you're less likely to accept crap from a partner.

@Tal45 why would you want to know an OH sexual past? Leaving communicable diseases aside, what would be the purpose?

OP, in my opinion, somebody else sexual past is nobody else's business unless you're a nosy person who likes asking personal and irrelevant questions, just out of curiosity. Surely too, there is no good answer is there. Who decides what constitutes a 'good' sexual past or a 'bad' sexual past ? It's all so subjective that on the face of it, it just appears nothing more than a good way to start an unnecessary argument/sense of unease - because if you didn't have a pre-held belief and right (or wrong) answer in your head already you simply wouldn't ask and would go about your business in blissful acceptance of who your OH is and not who he was, in a past life, before you came along.

And vice versa, of course.

I appreciate everyone’s answers, I suppose it seems no one thinks a person deserves a chance to change?

Of course everyone deserves a chance to change! But that’s completely separate from whether or not you stay with him or even marry him / have a baby with him.

Same as you deserve the right to make choices for yourself, your life and your future children.

If you stay with him, he might stay changed or he might revert to how he was.

If you leave him, he might stay changed or revert to how he was.

Him changing to become a better person / not commit criminal acts isn’t something he’s doing for you. It’s something he is doing for himself.

Your staying with him isn’t something you have to do to reward him for improving . The same as if you left him , it’s not something that you would be doing to punish him. It would be what you were doing for you.

You can think he’s done a great job at improving himself. And you can love him very much. But still leave him because you love yourself more and you think the risk of him abusing you and your future children is too high.

Leaving him won’t suddenly remove his chance to change.

We never discussed each others pasts I know he had girlfriends I had boyfriends. It's the past

We both were jealous of each other’s past.
And yet strangely keen to probe into it.
You must both love the drama.

He used to treat me like a princess
Well thank your lucky stars that nonsense is done & dusted.
Nobody want to be married off to some fobbish noble, or have to grow their hair long enough to let down out of a tower nowadays.

he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about
Dump him.
Or stay with the jealous manchild. PP will still support you when you come back here in a year, wondering where your life went, why you are not allowed friends, have to account for every moment of your time, & whether he means it when he promises he'll never hit you again.

I find the people who say other people's sexual histories are none of your business are the ones who are embarrassed by their own history.

How many people are you quizzing about their sexual histories, to have been able to reach this conclusion with any degree of certainty? Enough for a Gallup Poll?

I don't discuss my sexual history with anyone - because it's mine, it's private to me & Whoever Was In My Bed, & I respect my own body & previous partners more than I respect prurient questioners.

His sexual past is not your business. It is not your place to know any of it. We all are entitled to our pasts and you are not entitled to know anything about his sexual past. He owes you nothing in that area.

The fact that he is punching and kicking wall is, and is a concern if he still does it.

If he has truly stopped those behaviours and you believe he has changed and he has demonstrated that, then yes imo he does deserve a chance if he has demonstrated he has changed.