Partner lied about his sexual past

[Mangolovegirl]

Me and my my boyfriend of 3 years, come from quite conservative backgrounds. He told me he slept with 2 out of his 3 girlfriends before and no one else. He admitted to messing around with 7 or so others not sex. I had only two partners in total before. We both were jealous of each other’s past.
Recently I met a woman who also said they had dated years ago for a year. I told him about it and he admitted lying that he was with her and he actually slept with the girl before me, and he had 7-8 one night stands/flings he didn’t tell me about. After this all came out he also lied about having used porn, which I found out and he says he was too embarrassed to admit after all the lies that came out.
He said he was embarrassed and ashamed of his whole sexual past.
He used to treat me like a princess generally in the relationship, really thoughtful, kind, made efforts.
There were some issues in the relationship which were his jealousy about my past, sometimes he would be angry and kick/punch wall about things he didn’t get his way about. Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for. He’s admitted to all his mistakes, he is changing his bad behaviours and is truly sorry for his lies and bad behaviour. He’s shown that he’s much more calm, understanding now. I don’t know if this is all forgivable? I feel really jealous about all the past. The girl before me he said didn’t meet his parents but they did. Everything was downplayed and I don’t know what to do.
Help!

I think it was a case of severe retroactive jealousy on one person. He never cared about number.

You say this like you believe it's a mitigating factor OP.
It isn't.

Severe jealously - especially the particularly illogical retroactive kind - is immature, unreasonable, & a factor in many, many cases of controlling behaviour.

Some issues about control which he now has admitted and has been seeing a therapist for a year for.

A lot of the post-therapy indicators of attempting to control himself rather than other people are looking positive OP.
But really - only in comparison to his previous behaviour.
I would not want to be around a man who I could often observe having to visibly correct & internally manage himself when his temper raises its head again.
It only looks good to you because it's an improvement on kicking & punching walls.

But if you are, as it looks like, going to give him another chance, please GO SLOWLY.
And say "no" a lot. See how he responds to you disagreeing, or not wanting to comply, or having a very different opinion. His responses should show you what you need to see.

I would not want to be around a man who I could often observe having to visibly correct & internally manage himself when his temper raises its head again. It only looks good to you because it's an improvement on kicking & punching walls.

Absolutely this. It shouldn't be good enough, it's worrying that it is.

@ChargingBuck
I agree the jealousy is totally unhealthy because I have been jealous myself and I see how bad it really is. We both almost seemed to perpetuate each other’s jealousy.
The only times I’ve seen him trying to manage his temper/feelings is when it’s to do with me bringing up what he did and his lies back to him. I think it hurts him what he’s done so it’s less of him trying to get angry at me but more at himself and controlling himself in that way.
I don’t know if I will give him a chance but I just wanted to know if I was crazy to consider it. Which from everyone’s responses it seems so! I think a big factor is that as much as he is totally wrong, I can openly admit I haven’t always been healthy myself In the relationship with regards to jealousy, which was often what led to most of our problems. I wonder if a clean slate is a bad idea..

Nobody can decide this for you Mango.

But you are making a lot of excuses & doing a lot of Special Pleading for a guy who is jealous, angry & controlling.
Have you read this book? - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The only times I’ve seen him trying to manage his temper/feelings is when it’s to do with me bringing up what he did and his lies back to him.
Again - THIS DOES NOT MITIGATE THE BEHAVIOUR.

Can you pause, put yourself out of the situation for a moment, & imagine a beloved friend telling you "But Mango - he only hits me when I annoy him", or "he only pressures me for sex when he's feeling frustrated", or "he only polices me on nights out with my women friends when he's feeling insecure" ..?

How horrified would you be by that?
It is CLASSIC "now look what you made me do" behaviour - straight from the abuser's handbook.

I urge you to get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book, & get yourself educated. What you decide to do going forward is up to you, but let me give some final words of caution from an old bag who's been there, done that:

Masking nasty behaviours & attitudes for 6 months is a feat many, many, controlling men are well able to pull off.
How else would they get nice, sensible, bright women to fall in love with them?
The pattern of abusive behaviour is cyclical. It follows this formula - invariably -
"Idealise / Devalue / Discard".
Bear in mind that it is highly possible that you are currently in the "Idealise" phase of his abuse cycle. Of course you would be! - he knows he's worried & alienated you, & he wants you back.

If you can settle this phase of insane sexual jealousy - & I say IF because both are you are ... weird about your previous sex lives, him obviously much more so - what will he choose to beat you up with next? When he next feels the need to Devalue you, so he can punish you with a Discard, before Hoovering you up again with an Idealise phase?

lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Please listen to @ChargingBuck OP.

The only times I’ve seen him trying to manage his temper/feelings is when it’s to do with me bringing up what he did and his lies back to him. I think it hurts him what he’s done so it’s less of him trying to get angry at me but more at himself and controlling himself in that way.
Wishful thinking there. He's finding it difficult because he doesn't like being called out on his bad behaviour, reminded of it. Nothing to do with him feeling bad because he was wrong to behave that way , just wanting to brush it away and forget about it and feeling bad because you won't let him press the reset button and make like it never happened.

We both almost seemed to perpetuate each other’s jealousy.

Sometimes two people are just wrong for each other because they bring out each others worst side. You want someone who naturally causes you, without threats, fear, anxieties or intimidation, to want to be your best self in the relationship. You want a partner who experiences the same effect when they're in the relationship too.

Best thing you could do right now is be single and work on yourself. Imagine you're a cake and only date again when you've made the cake and you're just looking for the cherry to go on top, not while you're still searching for ingredients.

I wonder if I’ll ever find a person who matches me in all other ways again and someone I’ll find a great connection with. I can say that the love we have for each other is deep which is why I am still here. There have been many coincidences, intuitions and a friendship type of relationship otherwise between us. It’s very hard to let go of

So maybe you're actually destined to be friends? In the future when you're both over the break up. Maybe it's the romantic side of things that doesn't work for you two. And yes breakups are hard even if you're the one instigating it.

No one person is going to be your "everything". And if you did somehow have that, you'd lose "everything" if they died. Best to spread it around amongst a few people, romantic relationship, family, friends, hobby buddies. If something goes wrong in one part of life you still have the others.

Neither of you sounds fit to date people at the moment. Could be a situation of wrong time and place. Maybe in ten years time after therapy and growing up more, you'd be right for each other. But don't hang around hoping for that if you break up, go get on with your life and be open to possibilities with other people.

Or a codependency thing because you've both got some similar issues and background so you identify with each other and maybe you're both looking for someone to cling to to make things "right".