"But we took you to stately homes"... a thread for adult children of abusive families

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This thread is a follow up to "My mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry" because we reached the end of the thread life.

I originally posted on that thread to say that my mother had blamed me for something that was in fact her fault, called me a liar, got the rest of the family to gang up on me and then blamed me for splitting up the family.

It generated a huge amount of interest from a number of women who, like me, had grown up in an abusive, or "toxic" family environment where we had been the scapegoat or the dustbin for our parents to dump their own unresolved difficulties. My mother, like all our mothers, has refused to apologise for what she has done and many of us have cut ties with our families in order to recover our lost selves and self-esteem.

Maisemor-Objectively, I see Monkey's opinion about involving dc in trying to manage your parent's manipulations as sliding away from keeping yourself in "adult mode". While the subject may be about seeing the darlings, I may be wrong, but I don't think they need to be involved in the negotiations.

I was/am the target of manipulations and am very sensitive to it. I just don't like to be used-be made a fool of. There is a book (I just tried to find the title, I will have to get back to you with it) something along the lines of 'Get What You Want Every Time' which listed manipulation strategies. I read this, not so I could manipulate, but so I could recognize the traps laid for me and avoid them.

Your last post showed strength and backbone and resolve. Very important and good for you.

I agree with your dh: From your post it seems to me that your parents want you to 'bend' just a little. And it may seem like the smallest thing-"Who could ever object to that?" BUT DON'T DO IT! This strategy is: "oh, just a little. While you're doing that, just a little more won't matter-you won't mind will you?" And it grows and grows until enough is enough superficially shows you being the unreasonable one-but we know you are not being unreasonable to not get in that manipulative trap again. Just say no.

You might consider telling them 'we can try again some other time' (that would be very generous) (I was going to say we can't predict the future---but oh yes we can!) and then let them have the last word and just don't talk about it for as long as you wish.

Good luck, safe travels, and do try to compartmentalize this so you can enjoy all the other aspects of the holiday season.

Message withdrawn

Claricebeans, are you in therapy?

Where to begin?

Christmas day is not a good day to be with an abusive family (just to cheer you up!). I read in one of my (many) abuse books, you are 'invited' to take up your old family roles again. Such as if you had a sibling who was always dirty as a child and is now clean they will be cast into that role again, constant jokes/ribbing etc about it, despite the fact the contrary is now true. Its 'expected' that you will all be as you once were again.

So how do you stop it happening? Write out what you fear most will happen if you stand up to your mother father. Is what you fear realistic? If it is, what can you do to protect yourself? How do Christmas days usually go?

When you get there, think before you speak (v hard!) try not to be drawn into family disputes/bitching. Don't let your mother overrule you with your children. If things get heated try using 'I feel angry/upset when you put that dress on dd' nothing argumentative or 'childish'.

And god I have read too many psychoanaysis books . That is some idea what may help. What would help more is distance from your family ie become busy/inconvenient time etc, see a therapist to learn new ways of relating to family. New year, new life. You decide what you want and what is best for you and your family.

Sorry I can't be of more help...

xx

You sound like your doing really well Lennybird. Know what you mean about going into therapy when they become teenagers. Stressful time for all. Tho my therapist does say if they have good toddler years, teenage years can be easier.

At least your dc have a parent who is willing to work really hard to give them a good childhood like we all are on here.

My mother is still alive, no contact, yet to miss her!

Thanks ally90

I have been toying with the idea of therapy for a few years . I think what stops me going is if my mother found out she would just deride it and laugh at me. My DH is such a level headed being and really keeps me sane when family stuff kicks off. He knows that I carry baggage...

Sometimes I hear myself with my DC and I hate myself. I am trying so hard not to be my mother but this is so hard when that is your only role model.

It feels like I have been "brainwashed" for the first 20 years of mylife and now am only begining to see the light. Does that make sense? It took me so long to realise that they were not always right, that there were different ways of doing things to them.

I was an only child so had nobody else to talk to

'AND...don't beat yourself up when you do have a slip up. Makes you more stressed/more likely to replicate mothers behaviour. Accept you are human, apologise if needed to dc then move on.

Anyone got other hints and tips for me Claricebeans? '

Yes I read (haven't tried it yet) when you feel you are replicating mother you can keep it seperate/external by verbalising this way: 'just having a mum attack, it ok' and carry??

Lennygirl- I relate to what you said about your mum getting worse as you got older! Me too.

Claricebeans- A good way to detatch yourself is maybe to use the day as a day for observing. I think sometimes we are so far 'in it' so to speak that we cant see the wood for the trees. what has been good for me is reading lots of books which enablr me to decipher behaviour patterns, theirs and mine. You could use the day (if you have to go) to observe interactions, make notes and decide exactly how their abuse works with you, ie manipulation, withholding, smothering? Then how you react to that. Just a thought. Then again not tried that onemyself, tried to but ended up falling into the whole thing.

Ally- You touched a nerve really with what you were saying about xmas and old roles. last year even though I stayed with my DB who I have a fairly good relationship with I did feel myself pushed into my 'butt of all jokes role'. It was a lovely xmas but still came back home an edgy wreck and didnt know why.

CB

New Years resolutions

1. I don't have to be with anyone who treats me with no respect or love or trust.
2. I need therapy for myself to fulful my full potential, to repair the harm my parents did bringing me up and to get a new role model ie therapist on how to act/behave in a healthy 'adult' way.
3. I will be less hard on myself when I slip up with the dc. Apologise. And work out in myself, why I said/did what I did. Then be alert to feeling that way again so I can stop it in time. (May take quite a bit of time that one...but you will get there

And my mother would laugh too at me going to a therapist. I just chose one in a city where I would be unlikely to see her . You can get therapy over the phone too. Oh and you don't have to be swinging from the chandelier's mad either Just like I thought when I started 'no we can't meet there, people will think I'm a nutter if they see me coming out of there. I see it as normal and healthy now. But still would not voluntarily tell my family...

Hi Smithfield!

Just how fast moving is it now! I could am sit here all day!

Love your 'just having a mum attack'!! Will try that one! lol

And very good, observing...love that one. Be fascinating...esp with a really obvious notebook and pen with detached look...

I was the 'joke' of the family too. It was 'do you remember when ally etc' v humiliating. I used to barely laugh along and want to cry/rage.

A definitive list of books you've all found useful would be a big help - with links if possible please.

I've spent an awfully long time in therapy trying to understand my 'stuff' and how it affects me. I think what would help now is to educate myself generally with some different overviews (via books), along with practical advice of how to take baby steps toward becoming a stronger/emotionally healthier human.

My analyst now will say things like 'you're sounding/acting like a victim' - which is valuable to identify/recognise. But how do I stop thinking/acting in that way? I need/want a 'how to' manual (s) so I can progress forward/away from my past.

Any suggestions?

Hi Earlybird

Isn't it the most frustrating thing! And you always as they say it go 'i know that NOW you've said it!!'.

I found no contact to be the best thing for that. As time goes on I feel more detached (well more so this week) and able to see my behaviour more clearly.

Being the family "joke" - there was only me so I had nobody to deflect to. That really hurts now when I realise the sheer cruelty of it.

My mother would take delight in showing me up infront of other people. We went on holiday to Greece once - sort of an upmarket package (mother is a snob) and one night we were sitting with the whole group having a meal altogether. This includes the boy I sort of fancy. I am 12 perhaps. And she announces to the whole table that not only do I bite my finger nails I also bite my toe nails. I run off in despair. She finds me and tells me off for being such a baby, misbehaving and not being able to deal with the truth. I remember it so vividly. The hot flushed feeling, the town square where it happened and the incomprehension that my mother did not understand how much what she had said could have hurt me. She deliberately said it to hurt me. I can't think whay else she would have done it. My father was complicit in his silence.

Sorry for ramble. it just comes out.

Where would I find a good, reliable therapist?

Hey Pages Grochy Oscar here I posted on your other thread about my childhood and my toxic mother.

Well, quick update, I got some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy this summer and it helped me to get to the bottom of my bad feelings and resolve them. I am now able to put my mother well and truly behind me.

I realised I was sorted out when I caught her sneaking out of my garden after dropping off DS's birthday present. I had 3 options 1) Pretend I didn't see her and tell DS we're going to the park
2) Have the screaming abdabs at her in front of DS
3) Invite her in for coffee

I chose option 3 and managed to be polite, diplomatic and grown up about her being there.

I survived, I'm sure she felt akward (I did), I did the right thing and I was so proud of myself for getting through it.

It's an awful thing to say but I feel nothing for her anymore. I am over her and her toxic ways.

Hope you have been able to resolve your issues. I know you feel a hell of a lot better at the other side

Oh, Seasons greetings BTW

Ally - lol re the actual notebook and detatched look in front of them.
Yes I am working from home and keep hitting refresh on the thread!

Earlybird-Not sure I like the idea of a therapist telling me Im sounding like a victim?? Dont be afraid to question wether you have the right therapist for you. Not saying your one isn't as I obviously dont know that. I just know given 'my; upbringing I find it difficult questioning people in authority or power.

Claricebean- I had/have 3 siblings but my parents made sure we have no real relationship as they used divide and rule and I was often on the outside looking in cast in the role of the 'older sister or nutty delinquent one' [hmmm].
I agree with what Ally is saying re-no contact. A few weeks ago I'd have said I could never cut contact, I have threatened it in the past but more to get back at them. My younger brother cut my mum off about a year ago, and I jumped on the bandwagon saying he was so wrong in doing this. Now I realise I was coming from the angle of punishing them....plus I was soo emotionally enmenshed with them I felt I would literally fall apart without them in my life. Truth is Im falling apart 'with' them in my life! And its not about punishment its about protection. Protecting yourself from their onslaughts in order to enable yourself to heal. It makes so much sense now to me. Its like saying enough 'is' enough now, I wont tolerate this anymore. This in itself makes you emotionally stronger, and so begins the long journey of detatchment....

if in any doubt now... I get on here and read what Ally, sakura and Pages write and think 'God they sound healthy! I can do this and it does work.

Message withdrawn

Lennygirl- I mentioned to my Oldest Sister that I was glad Mom wasn't around when my dc came along. She immediately agreed and said she was sure Mom would have made my life miserable. I can see her resenting me for having children before the favored Middle Sister. I think it is more of a feeling of relief than of being 'glad' though, as I sometimes harbor 'what if...?' thoughts (which usually end up as a 'careful what you wish for'-daytime nightmares). I guess that is my missing her, even though the grief is over. I miss my Dad, too and more than I do Mom, tbh.

NPD Middle Sister is coming for Christmas 23-26th, with her dear dog (she is single, no children}. Should be the last dog visit as dh has pet allergies and we have been pet free for 18 years and the 'feeling sorry for her since Dad passed on' has run its course-and dd2 is due late Feb. I am confident that I can handle the visit, stay in 'adult mode' and not react to her veiled judgments. The detached observation strategy is good. I am tempted to keep score of how many judgments/put downs/ corrections she bestows on us, but that would delay recovery by harboring the irritations. I try to not respond to bait, and be oblivious to it.
We don't -or have not come to the point of- want to cut her out of our lives altogether and we know she will not change. So my current 'holding pattern' is to better manage our time with her -set boundaries, and not respond to her power plays by simply not caring what she thinks.
There is another circumstance causing some wonder concerning an expensive gift she said she was going to give the dc. She found out that it wasn't going to be a surprise, and announced that she wasn't going to give it then. I told her calmly we didn't need it and it was too expensive. She was angry. A while later she throws it in my face that she wants to give it to Oldest Sister (no children either), and asks me what do I think? I said I didn't know, then at another time she said she'd get Oldest Sister something else. I thought it was mean of her to say she was giving it to Oldest Sister, even though she knows my dc would want it. So if she gives it to dc, we are supposed to kiss her toes? ...and if she doesn't give it then she has punished me and dc too because it wasn't going to be a surprise? (I can see her nose tilting already). I want to pretend that I have forgotten all about it-even keel-smooth water- so what. But I am not an actress, social skill 101?
Thanks for listening, I know this is minor, but it is a test for me.

smithfield - interesting thought about respect for authority and not questioning.

I think what my analyst is pointing out my 'role' in the toxic relationship - how I participate in it, and how my participation goes some way toward allowing the relationship to continue to hurt/wind me up. I need to recognise my own ingrained responses.

I'm never happy to hear her tell me I'm being the victim, but usually she's right. It's a position I often subconsciously take/allow. The challenge for me is to recognise it, and then choose instead to react in a healthy and empowering way, rather than in the familiar patterns. That's where my frustration comes in too - she'll point out what I'm doing, but often I don't have a clue about what to do instead.

Today has been an incredible day for me. After my last few posts on this thread and reading all your responses and comments I began analysing my feelings (or lack thereof) for my DD more deeply. I realised that what I actually lacked was an ability to empathise with my DD. So when she was crying because she was upset or had hurt herself I didn?t feel her pain myself; like I?ve already said I just felt cold or numb inside when she cried or needed me to comfort her. By contrast, when my DS cried for any reason (he?s not a big crier I would say, he?s generally happy and only cries occasionally) I would also feel his pain as if it was my pain and I absolutely couldn?t hold myself back from comforting him because, in actual fact, in easing his pain, I was actually comforting myself and easing my own pain.

Anyway, this morning I realised that I had a complete lack of empathy with my DD, but only when she was upset/crying/needy. I have noticed in some of your posts that some of you mentioned that your mothers seemed to be able to be there for you when you needed comforting/support but that they almost turned against you when something good happened to you. I suppose in my case the reason I can?t/couldn?t empathise with my DD when she?s upset is because that was exactly my experience with my mum, both as a child and as an adult; basically she was never there for me whenever I was upset/down/needy but she would pop up like a jack in the box whenever there was something good going on in my life. I used to think of her as a ?fairweather mother? and it used to really upset me that she wasn?t there for the bad times yet she wanted to share my happiness during the good times. I felt she didn?t deserve to share any of my happy times if she didn?t want to be there for me during the unhappy times.

Anyway, to get back to my day, after yesterday?s posts, I knew that I still had a major part of my journey ahead of me in that I had to somehow access my suppressed feelings in relation to my mum which began I suppose from the moment I was born. In hindsight it was of course going to be much easier to access my feelings in relation to my dad as his abuse started when I was around 11 and the memories of what he did and how I felt were very clear in my mind. My feelings about him were also very close to the surface, ie not buried particularly deeply as I was always quite rude and snappy with my dad and I knew why even though at that time I may not have remembered all the particular details of the abusive incidents especially clearly.

My feelings towards my mum were much harder to access as the emotional neglect and feelings of abandonment must have started the moment I was born and so must necessarily have been buried much much deeper and not really in my conscious mind. And also my mum, unlike many of your mothers, has never been verbally or physically abusive, she has always been quite pleasant and so it was much harder to even realise she had mistreated me. Although now I have so much more of an understanding of her behaviour I don?t even know if I can call it mistreatment as I believe now that she was acting entirely unconsciously.

I think that she clearly did not have her needs met during her childhood and so she was unable to meet my needs after I was born. But unlike her, when my DD was born, I think that I was given a gift, as so many of us on this thread have too, and that is the gift of insight and self awareness. It is only because of this gift that I was able to be aware of my lack of feeling towards my DD and because of this awareness I was able to consciously go against my true feelings and act in such a way so as not to hurt my daughter in so far as I was able. My mother did not have this insight or self awareness and so was absolutely unable to act in any other way than how she in fact did ie with no empathy or understanding for me when I was hurt or needed her to comfort me. I use the word gift as I think that?s what Alice Miller means in her book ?The Drama of the Gifted Child? ie gifted child meaning a child who has been given the gift of awareness.

Also since yesterday?s posts I was wondering today how I would actually be able to access my feelings towards my mother, I seemed to be able to access my feelings towards my dad almost spontaneously ie I didn?t try to access those feelings, it just seemed to happen, and although feeling the pain from my childhood was terrible, afterwards I did feel I had been released and felt a huge sense of peace.

This morning, as I worked out why my mother was emotionally distant towards me, I felt my numbness about my DD almost melting away. It was as if my greater understanding about my mother was somehow re-connecting me with my DD. And with this re-connection I just started crying as I suddenly felt my DD?s pain, the pain she surely must have felt in her short life feeling that her mother, ie me, doesn?t love her. As however much I pretended to try and be there for her when she was upset I just don?t think I fooled her at all as children are such instinctual creatures, I think it is impossible to fool them with mere words. And whilst crying and feeling my DD?s pain, I knew I was also feeling my own pain from my own childhood and it was exactly the same pain that my DD must have felt.

So, I?m sure I haven?t explained all this very well at all, but I honestly feel now that I have re-connected with my DD and the numb feeling has gone away and at the same time I feel I have released my own childhood pain. What Smithfield said about my DD somehow being a portal to my own childhood pain is absolutely 100% spot on. I am amazed at what happened to me this morning, it is almost surreal.

I also felt this morning that I need to write a letter to my DD to say sorry for how I must have hurt her and that is something I will do in the next few days. It may seem silly and I may not even read the letter to her, but I will keep it and if this subject ever arises in the future I will show her the letter.

I have written all the above in some detail in the hope that it will help some of you on this thread, perhaps in understanding your own mothers, as I feel that if I had not been given this gift of self-awareness and insight, I could perhaps have gone on to have the kind of relationship with my DD that many of you have with your mothers.

Hi, smithfield, I've just gone back to your post, the one where you suggested that connecting to my DD might be a portal into my own childhood pain and I am amazed at how absolutely and completely spot on you were. Amazed because we have never met or spoken and yet you somehow knew me just through my posts. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write the post that you did, I feel sure that it somehow triggered what happened today for me and I feel I have made great strides in my journey as a result.

I hope your chest infection is better and I have to go now but I will be back later to catch up on all the latest posts, right now i just felt I had to get all my thoughts from this morning out.

I've forgotten half the names of the people who responded to my post..but a massive hello anyways.
Been reading stuff here today, and Pages (I think it was you) who told me to write a letter to my mum? I did the more 'impersonal' route and I did send her an email, told her how childish she was and how f'in' pathetic she was behaving and involving my DD's in all this mess.

To this day, she never responded. I sent the email back in August.

No, I don't have a DP, well not one who lives in this country anyways. I saved hard and worked hard to get out there and see him earlier this year. (he lives in LA)
Now my mum still slagged me for that.

BTW I digress a little here, I work 10hrs a week...I still claim my IS, my rent and all my freebies etc. My mum actually thinks that cos I still claim my IS, she told my DD1, and still maintained to this day that I was a 'benefit cheat' and a 'fraud'. She could not grasp the idea that I could work a little and claim my benefits. Anyways, I saved really hard to get out there to see him, slagged me off to DD1 and told her that mummy didn't deserve that holiday anyway, she's a cheat and a liar. She then told DD1 that if I was planning on marrying DP, that it 'would end in divorce before it even got off the ground. After all, who would put up with her (me) and the mood swings and you DD's endless fighting'. Hmmm.
DD2 told me a few weeks ago, that when she was up nannys house last (in the summer) she got out of bed in the night as she was hot, and distinctly overheard them talking and dad saying to mum that 'having Carol (me) was a mistake'
After all, I only found out I had a sibling 3 years ago. He died...but isn't that the sort of thing you do tell someone? I was 31 years old when I found out. Mum still never believed that I had a hunch when I was younger.

By God, that woman never even told me about the birds and the bees. I was having periods for 6 months before I realised what they were, snuck into my mums drawer and borrowed a tampon. My mate was over, my mum caught me and she slapped me across the face for it, right in front of my friend. I'll never forget that.
My DD1 is at the age I would've been with the 'tampon incident' and her draws are stacked full with Bodyforms, Lil lets, Tampax, every damn kind...so the day she finally gets it, she can choose whats most comfy for her.

I haven't stopped thinking about all these wonderful posts here all day, the confusion I felt when I was a kid I'm sure contributed to me having depression as I got older, experimenting with drugs...well I never got any damn attention from them. I'm sure if I asked my mum what my GCSE grades were, she wouldn't even know...cos she never bothered asking to see my results papers.

What hurts me the most, and what kills me to even think about...is they never told me once that they loved me...or to even instigate a hug. If I wanted a hug, I had to do it and my mum always felt 'stiff' when she had to reciprocate.
But at the end of the day, they're just damn words aren't they? I get more hugs off my DD's. We can have the most ferocious humdingers in this house, but noone, and I mean noone ever goes to bed without a kiss goodnight and a I love you.

Sorry, back to the board you guys...am wittering. x x Thanks for listening x x

Sakura,

Thanks for your kind words. You made me cry!

Isn't it funny that you know that something isn't your fault, but you still feel guilt.

Good luck to everyone who is trying to work out problems. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

xxx

oneplusone,

Just skimmed your post up above mine, can I add a little suggestion when you said about writing a letter to DD. (How old is she?)

You know, when I've made an awful mess and been stubborn and a total shit...and felt guilty afterwards...I've bought little gestures from Clinton cards. A nice card of poetry or an 'I love you' card. I don't write anything else in it except I love you (insert name of DC here) and I'm sorry for what I said / did etc etc Mummy was wrong to say / do what I did, can we share a very big super douper special hug tonight? Love mum.

I wrote a letter to DD1 and she will get it when she's 18. (she's 12 now) Explaining the divorce between me and her father, the DV relationship, my suicide attempt a few years ago on the tail end of dv...DD1 was only 6 years old...was pretty much unconscious but DD1 rang the ambulance. She saved my life.
I should really give her the letter now, but something holds me back.

But writing a letter sounds like a really good idea, and even better if you're creative with words. x x Maybe a nice handwritten poem?

Monkeytrousers, sorry I didn't meant to imply that you don't know about toxic families. I see your point about mm's children being involved and I agree with you. But if anyone would have seen some of the correspondence I sent to my mother around the time was getting married, they'd have sent for the men in white coats for me, which isn't exactly fair, considering the way she is.

Smithfield, Am AMAZED that you think I sound healthy. Best compliment I've had my whole life I think! you might not think so if you followed me around like a fly on the wall, though- I still have my low points and lots to improve on. I'm very critical and judgemental of people. DH is like this- his family are toxic and are SNOBS, and some of the snobbery is rubbing off onto me but I have to keep trying to keep it in check. Also I have the depression and anger always looming just under the surface, but getting better, I think.

clarice, I'm just horrified that about your mother in Greece. Not just what she did but mainly the way she reacted towards your hurt i.e not saying sorry and accepting she'd done something wrong (we all make mistakes), but trying to make out as though you were somehow wrong for getting upset. So you had the double whammy of feeling sad because of the comment and shame because you were made to feel you had done something wrong and overreaceted.

Was it Lennygirl who wrote about the teenagers? I am thinking a lot about this these days. I tell myself that when the time comes, I'll just take it day by day. I should imagine that given my past, I'll feel huge feelings of abandonment when my DD starts making her own way in the world and I'm prepared for those feelings and hope to deal with them in a proper way. More than anything in the world I want to let her go and be her own person and live her own life. So day by day, hour by hour. If I feel like she's abandonning me, I'll just have to take myself into another room and get some perspective. I hope I can do it. Oh, and the worst thing is when teenagers come back at you with all your failures as a parent. Again, I hope I'm strong enough by then to just accept that its a phase and deal with it.

duke, yes please cry, get it out Pages, I wish I had a big bosom and was a "Are you okay my love" kind of person, like the lady at your nursery. Those people are angels, aren't they. My yonger bro had a schoolfriend with a lovey mum. SHe hardly knew or saw me but I remember her to this day. I was no-one to her but if she saw me on the bus or whatnot, she would always refer to me by my first name and showed real interest in me. She made me feel like a human being. My brother and I often talked of her since; she had that much of an effect on us.

ah here we are............
not checked the old thread and will do so over xmas.
mine was
"oh but all your clothes came from marks and spencers and i went without clothes just so you could look good"

i recently thought things were good with my mum, she even attended an NAS conference last week, unfortunately there were lots of people there who i knew both parents and professionals who were all congratulating me on winning 3 tribunals against the LEA,the specialist HV gave me a hug when i saw her and laughed i bet you are sic of seeing me and my mum replied no i bet you are sick of her mithering , then last thursday she bumped into my childhood friend and was chatting about my marriage breakup and my friend told her that she admires the fact taht i have put my children first and not put up with dh,s behaviour towards them, she said my mum well what about me? ive put up with jens dad for all this time?
so to cut a long story short,
she is always saying she will have the kids
whenever i want so i asked her to mind them tomorrow night while i go for a chinese with my neighbour and some friends.

this is the reply i got:

Im out at a body shop party on weds night but even so i couldnt mind your children, your neighbour is not family, nor is she part of our religion and i cannot have that on my conscience.i have stuck to the religion for 30-odd years and
im getting near to when i can devote 100% to my religion and i dont want to have you on my conscience, what you choose to do with your knowledge o our religion is up to you but dont ask me to help you get a social life

so i thought for a few minutes and then said no im not having this anymore, im a 35 yr old single mum of 2 who just wants to go for meal with some friends so i fired this back at her:

Once again you are punishing me, or not doing what YOU think i should be doing, you wouldnt do this to my sisters but thats up to you. i would HATE to be on your conscience, its amazing isnt it how you verbally promise to help me in whatever way you can but as soon as i ask you im suddenly on your conscience.
you have always been this way with me and you obviously feel very bitter towards me and im tired and working out what it is ive supposed to have done.

i wont be coming for tea on weds, if you want to see the kids then its up to you to get in touch.

WOW i felt brill sending that.
pages and sakura said a couple of weeks ago that perhaps my mum felt she was rescuing me cos i was on my own and that she would get control, well you were right and im gutted,it was obviously too much or her seeing her daughter praised by professionals and then my friend and its made her have a meltdown.

Maisemor, sorry if I sounded harsh at all yesterday or critical of your dh, been thinking about what I put and that it wasn't worded well. Hope your okay.

allyxxx