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Relationships

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What happens when one partner finds God

98 replies

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:10

And the other doesn’t ?

Can it work ?

OP posts:
Avarua · 19/11/2021 15:11

Take a look at Kim and Kanye Confused

GiveMeYourDog · 19/11/2021 15:14

Maybe.

Depends on how religious, are BOTH respectful of other person’s views, do they try and push you/kids to become religious?
Etc.

Liverbird77 · 19/11/2021 15:15

The Bible talks about being "unevenly yoked".
It would probably become an issue.
I guess the one who found religion wouldn't want to divorce though.
It would probably be more awkward if the beliefs were extreme.

EllieSattler · 19/11/2021 15:15

Seems unlikely. Any adult converts I've known have been really fundamental in their beliefs. The non convert will never meet their new standards.

EileenGC · 19/11/2021 15:17

I’m religious and would never enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t share my faith.

But, if I’d only become religious after already having a family with said person, I don’t think I could turn my back on that. I would make it work unless there were suddenly big differences in the values and morals we each had. As long as both parts respected each other.

It gets harder if there are children involved, because each side will want to raise them the ‘correct’ way.

VeryQuaintIrene · 19/11/2021 15:26

It probably depends on what sort of God the partner finds. I'm an Episcopalian of the liberal tendency, my partner is non-religious but she enjoys the music and will occasionally come and hear the choir sing and neither of us push against the other, If I were a really ardent, more fundamentalist believer, it would probably be a problem.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:27

Thanks all ! When I say God I mean a new consciousness , not institutionalised religion ..

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 19/11/2021 15:30

It must work a lot of the time. I couldn't personally be in a relationship with someone that believed in a God.

mostlydrinkstea · 19/11/2021 15:30

Depends what sort of God. I used to work in mind, body and spirit fairs and the variety of stuff on offer was vast. How expensive and how navel gazing is it? Could be great for a relationship or a nightmare. Sorry that isn't much help.

WombatChocolate · 19/11/2021 15:31

It’s not particularly easy, because the focus/key values in life aren’t aligned.

That doesn’t mean it can’t work, but it’s not always easy.

So, for example, there can be some conflicts over time. Non religious spouse can resent time spent by religious spouse involved in religious activity,nor the people time is spent with, especially if it’s a significant amount of time. It’s not to be compared to a hobby.

It can cause conflict over values and behaviours. A newly religious person will often change and modify their behaviour. This can feel difficult.

The newly religious person is likely to want to share their enlightenment, which doesn’t always go down well.

All of these issues aren’t necessarily large scale or not things which can be overcome.

Finding faith can be hugely hugely rewarding, but usually has some costs involved too. People do need to be aware of that, but the reward is usually worth it. Those who can’t face the cost, don’t pursue faith and that’s where their heart really lies.

For the non religious person, being accepting and encouraging can be really important. Trying to understand and showing an interest is important.

People muddle along, but if this is a long term religious conviction and focus, essentially the 2 people aren’t in the same page. For a close relationship like marriage, it’s better if people are ‘on the same page’ on fundamental issues. That doesn’t mean people have to be the same or like the same things and be identical, but religion is more than just a hobby…it’s a fundamental life value and direction and if your partner isn’t going int he same direction as you, it can be tricky. There is more joy in going in the same direction and both following God together.

Most religious texts call people to join with others of faith. This is why. However, if people are already married when one becomes religious, they aren’t called to separate. Sometimes the other will find faith too. Sometimes they won’t and in that case, the difficulties which can be small or large if one being religious and the other not, have to be faced.

On one level, being religious is a choice and some people will choose not to follow that path if they can see there will be difficulties with their spouse. Often those, people feel callled and compelled to become religious…that they simply have to. It is important to recognise the choice of the non-religious person. Religion can’t be forced on anyone. That isn’t the same as saying you can’t talk about it or to explain your faith, but ultimately each person has to choose for themselves. Sometimes new religious converts can be very zealous because of their own recent religious conviction. That is both a positive and can be a negative as their enthusiasm isn’t always welcomed or always very sensitive.

Countless millions live in relationships where one has faith and the other doesn’t. Most work well. There can be some sadness in the person of faith that their spies doesn’t share the faith, but also acceptance and a good relationship. If the relationship isn’t marriage, it is often a time for the pair to consider if they will remain together.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:32

@mostlydrinkstea

Depends what sort of God. I used to work in mind, body and spirit fairs and the variety of stuff on offer was vast. How expensive and how navel gazing is it? Could be great for a relationship or a nightmare. Sorry that isn't much help.
Quite naval gazing and very different to the person I fell for
OP posts:
Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:39

Navel!

OP posts:
mostlydrinkstea · 19/11/2021 15:45

My observations from being at the fairs was that at one end of the scale you had the professed religious who were fabulous contemplative gentle souls who had given up life in the secular world to work with the poor, outcast, sick etc. Brilliant fun over tea or something stronger. At the other end of the scale were utter self absorbed adult children who were chasing after the latest spiritual guru, spending huge amounts of money on the latest tape (it was a while ago!) program, set of crystals or whatever. At the end of all the stuff they had bought and courses they had attended had the insight into themselves of a snail and the commitment to social justice of a two year old.

Does what they are doing make them a kinder and more generous person or is this a mid life crisis with spirituality rather than a motorbike.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:46

@WombatChocolate

It’s not particularly easy, because the focus/key values in life aren’t aligned.

That doesn’t mean it can’t work, but it’s not always easy.

So, for example, there can be some conflicts over time. Non religious spouse can resent time spent by religious spouse involved in religious activity,nor the people time is spent with, especially if it’s a significant amount of time. It’s not to be compared to a hobby.

It can cause conflict over values and behaviours. A newly religious person will often change and modify their behaviour. This can feel difficult.

The newly religious person is likely to want to share their enlightenment, which doesn’t always go down well.

All of these issues aren’t necessarily large scale or not things which can be overcome.

Finding faith can be hugely hugely rewarding, but usually has some costs involved too. People do need to be aware of that, but the reward is usually worth it. Those who can’t face the cost, don’t pursue faith and that’s where their heart really lies.

For the non religious person, being accepting and encouraging can be really important. Trying to understand and showing an interest is important.

People muddle along, but if this is a long term religious conviction and focus, essentially the 2 people aren’t in the same page. For a close relationship like marriage, it’s better if people are ‘on the same page’ on fundamental issues. That doesn’t mean people have to be the same or like the same things and be identical, but religion is more than just a hobby…it’s a fundamental life value and direction and if your partner isn’t going int he same direction as you, it can be tricky. There is more joy in going in the same direction and both following God together.

Most religious texts call people to join with others of faith. This is why. However, if people are already married when one becomes religious, they aren’t called to separate. Sometimes the other will find faith too. Sometimes they won’t and in that case, the difficulties which can be small or large if one being religious and the other not, have to be faced.

On one level, being religious is a choice and some people will choose not to follow that path if they can see there will be difficulties with their spouse. Often those, people feel callled and compelled to become religious…that they simply have to. It is important to recognise the choice of the non-religious person. Religion can’t be forced on anyone. That isn’t the same as saying you can’t talk about it or to explain your faith, but ultimately each person has to choose for themselves. Sometimes new religious converts can be very zealous because of their own recent religious conviction. That is both a positive and can be a negative as their enthusiasm isn’t always welcomed or always very sensitive.

Countless millions live in relationships where one has faith and the other doesn’t. Most work well. There can be some sadness in the person of faith that their spies doesn’t share the faith, but also acceptance and a good relationship. If the relationship isn’t marriage, it is often a time for the pair to consider if they will remain together.

Thank you for taking the time to post this ! Going to read again later but I think you are so right. I feel really glad for him but also I don’t share his joy so it feels like he’s totally non a different page from me. And hot one I will ever be on, although I do have an interest in discussion always, I find it is dominating everything and i don’t want to spend all my time talking about it . Not sure what do , I have been doing my best to listen and talk but it’s starting to make me feel very unconnected to him and our relationship !
OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 19/11/2021 15:47

My parents were of two completely different religions. They both attended services but were not stridently religious. It can work, of course it can.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:48

@mostlydrinkstea

My observations from being at the fairs was that at one end of the scale you had the professed religious who were fabulous contemplative gentle souls who had given up life in the secular world to work with the poor, outcast, sick etc. Brilliant fun over tea or something stronger. At the other end of the scale were utter self absorbed adult children who were chasing after the latest spiritual guru, spending huge amounts of money on the latest tape (it was a while ago!) program, set of crystals or whatever. At the end of all the stuff they had bought and courses they had attended had the insight into themselves of a snail and the commitment to social justice of a two year old.

Does what they are doing make them a kinder and more generous person or is this a mid life crisis with spirituality rather than a motorbike.

This is so interesting ! All I can say is I feel like he’s been looking for this for a while now.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/11/2021 15:49

In your situation, OP, I wouldn't stay with him. The differences between us would be too great.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:49

@Funnylittlefloozie

My parents were of two completely different religions. They both attended services but were not stridently religious. It can work, of course it can.
Hi - this is more like a consciousness enlightenment , not an institutional religion . Not sure it makes a difference though !
OP posts:
Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 15:50

@HollowTalk

In your situation, OP, I wouldn't stay with him. The differences between us would be too great.
I may not have a choice tbh as I feel totally not in the relationship ! Though I am glad for him too! Maybe it’ll level out a bit !
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 19/11/2021 15:58

I think I'd find it quite draining if a partner suddenly became religious and wanted to talk about it a lot. I'm just not very interested in that sort of thing and I can't see myself wanting to be involved.

Do you have children together? Share a home?

Pinkbonbon · 19/11/2021 16:01

I'd say I'm more spiritual than religious but even mentioning a belief in God can put some people on this odd defensive stance I find. And then I know they aren't for me. I would never force my beliefs on others but equally I will not have someone using my faith to mansplain why I shouldn't believe in anything.

I think its about respect to an extent. But fundamentally some people are just too different. I think if one is spiritual and one, agnostic then potentially it can work. But if one is too extreme in one direction and perhaps, also not the most respectfully of people then...not so much.

Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 16:02

@BrilliantBetty

I think I'd find it quite draining if a partner suddenly became religious and wanted to talk about it a lot. I'm just not very interested in that sort of thing and I can't see myself wanting to be involved.

Do you have children together? Share a home?

No and no

Yeah I find it draining as it’s a bit incessant currently. I just want to have fun abs laugh not discuss world consciousness all the time . I mean , I would naturally discuss many topics but I do feel like this is a bit relentless . Then I feel mean because I firmly believe in the freedom to be exactly who you want in life!

I also have massively reduced physical attraction for him since this started !

OP posts:
Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 16:04

@Pinkbonbon

I'd say I'm more spiritual than religious but even mentioning a belief in God can put some people on this odd defensive stance I find. And then I know they aren't for me. I would never force my beliefs on others but equally I will not have someone using my faith to mansplain why I shouldn't believe in anything.

I think its about respect to an extent. But fundamentally some people are just too different. I think if one is spiritual and one, agnostic then potentially it can work. But if one is too extreme in one direction and perhaps, also not the most respectfully of people then...not so much.

I would consider myself a spiritual (not religious ) person too. But I don’t want to be immersed in it all the time I am discovering
OP posts:
Isthisthereaklife · 19/11/2021 16:05

It’s like every interaction and conversation becomes about it. It’s quite obsessive seeming

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 19/11/2021 16:08

In my experience the person usually became aware of God when they were off their meds, and an unmanageable psychotic episode would follow.

I have been religious too in my time so I'm not quite the nasty old atheist that made me sound. But someone who has found religion is going through a major change and not being able to follow that isn't a failure in you. Do protect yourself.