What happens when one partner finds God

[Isthisthereaklife]

And the other doesn’t ?

Can it work ?

We’d divorce, literally.

@WarmthAndDepth

Does this consciousness have a figurehead such as Sadhguru / Isha Foundation; is it potentially a bit cultish?

Someone I know from the school run is a Sadhguru devotee. I’ve started ducking into doorways.

My dh's parents had been together for several years and they had 2 dc when mil became a Christian. They struggled on until dh was just an adult but fil had several affairs and by 5he time they split up they hadn't actually talked for several years.

30 years on mil is still a Christian, fil has been married twice more and in another ltr (though now has dementia). MIL has never had another relationship but is happy. Both dh and bil are also Christians (as am I and sil). Fil chose to have very little to do with his sons after his divorce, said mil had "abducted" them which really wasn't true.

I'm not sure a relationship between such 2 different world views can survive.

@WarmthAndDepth no it’s more just personal enlightenment - no figurehead

I was married to guy who took his religious interests to another level during our marriage. I knew he was a person of faith when we met. I was also but not on the same level and not enough to cause an issue before we married. However, when he started taking an intense interest (around the time ds was born), I knew I’d lost him. He spent hours away learning, studying for exams, listening to sermons in the car. He neglected us and it was a reason for the breakdown of the marriage (which he acknowledges now). I never felt I could live up to his faith. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did as it freed me to be myself fully. I have seen cases where it worked (eg an atheist married to a practicing Muslim who wore a headscarf). It really depends on the respect, acceptance, and tolerance both people have for. It’s so important to keep a balance in all aspects.

I think your question should be reframed a bit as the god element is somewhat of a red herring. The real question really is "What happens when one partner becomes completely obsessed with something the other partner doesn't experience and it takes over every single conversation?"

@Isthisthereaklife

It’s like every interaction and conversation becomes about it. It’s quite obsessive seeming

As a therapist, I work with people connected to this field, and generally find it is a complex kind of defence that can be quite narcissistic in its presentation. (I am NOT calling the person in question a narcissist, but rather the condition, which is less about "raising consciousness" and in reality more about a form of escape, or what's known as "spiritual bypassing".)

It can take a long time to come down again, if ever.

I couldn't be with someone who believed in God. I just can't fathom it and it would totally make me doubt what was going on in their head. If my husband started suddenly believing in God I would think he had gone mad and would be pushing for therapy

@WhatMattersMost wow yes this

The narcissistic tendencies are something he has been desperate to throw off in the past...

Yes I am not sure he will ever come down !(

'Well, there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded,' said Princess Diana.

And I think this is true whether the third party in the menage a trois is Camilla, God or just some new absorbing hobby that is not a shared passion.

More seriously, I think the salient question to ask yourself is whether you continue to feel valued and cherished just for being yourself - and if there is some awareness and understanding of, and concern for, the difficulties you are experiencing in trying to adjust to the changes in your partner's behaviour and priorities.

If DP became a sanctimonious bore about something, whether religion, sport, food or some other interest, it would be downright annoying and kill off attraction. I’m atheist, he’s vaguely pagan, we’re broadly on the same page with social and political topics and have fairly compatible interests. Becoming evangelical about anything is generally a bad sign.

[quote Isthisthereaklife]@WhatMattersMost wow yes this

The narcissistic tendencies are something he has been desperate to throw off in the past...

Yes I am not sure he will ever come down !([/quote]
There's hope. I was the same about 15 years ago! It took lots and lots of therapy. But the kicker is having to deal with the narcissistic aspect of it, which means having to deal with failure and vulnerability and a fair whack of humbling for quite some time.

Looked at one way, your partner's dissociation is a way to try and avoid feelings of worthlessness and helplessness - and this kind of belief system can be very helpful (to him), even while it's alienating and dysfunctional. That is not a suggestion to stay, though. You have to do what works best for you.

I'm another wondering about the psychotic break. I've had experience of this this a sudden obsession with spirituality with a close family member. They used to come of meds and become entirely focused on religion, believe angels were speaking to them and that they were switching between realms. It then ended with them being sectioned every time as the behaviour became more bizarre. Hopefully this isn't the case but I would be watchful.

@Comingup

I'm another wondering about the psychotic break. I've had experience of this this a sudden obsession with spirituality with a close family member. They used to come of meds and become entirely focused on religion, believe angels were speaking to them and that they were switching between realms. It then ended with them being sectioned every time as the behaviour became more bizarre. Hopefully this isn't the case but I would be watchful.

Yes I have been worried for his mh on and off through the years. He’s had a lot to contend with and does much work on himself. Won’t consider meds though. I feel like he is coming down a bit the last couple of days though. Not sure what I can do if it is linked to mh though other than be watchful?

@Gingerodgers

My husband found ‘The Spiritual Path’ after being a confirmed non believer. Everything was about meditating (3hrs+ per day), or his spiritual journey. The kids and I were sidelined, and vast amounts of money spent on retreats etc. He became vegetarian, and all his energy outside work, was about his spiritual journey. I felt betrayed. He was not the man I had married, and felt like he began to look at me with pity, as I was not enlightened. To be honest, I found the whole thing embarrassing. There were some major falling outs in his cohort, and his spiritual journey ended abruptly as a result. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived, if his ‘journey’ had continued. We never talk about it, but during an argument once, I told him to go and join a fucking cult, or whatever you want to call it, if he was so unhappy ( not my finest moment) . I felt completely unsupported throughout the entire thing(3 or so years), and wouldn’t go through it again. Good luck, maybe it’ll all come to nothing in the end.

The trouble is he wasn't enlightened. He was on an extremely selfish me me me journey. The truly enlightened do not neglect the needs of others. I have met very few truly enlightened people in my life and you know them right away, I am not one of them unfortunately. I am still much too selfish.

Sounds like my brother in law.
Goes on and on and on about selflessness and his relationship with God. He’s the most self absorbed person I know and incredibly smug.

I was a very lukewarm Christian as a youth i.e. I said I believed in God, but it didn't really impact my life at all. However, after getting married and having children I also became very serious about my religion after a series of events.

Luckily, over time, my husband also found God (not through pressure, but from openness and honestly and his own exploration) and now we are extremely happy.

Biblically, if one person finds God and the other doesn't, there's no need to divorce over it. Personally, I would have had a huge struggle if my husband was an atheist as I would not be happy to raise my children as atheists or with this idea of God as "something some people believe". To me it is the most important thing to raise them as Christians.

It would also be really difficult to not be able to share my religion with my husband. Atheists are often very dismissive and mocking of Christianity. I don't know how I'd have coped if he'd have been like that.

As a Christian, I wouldn't have divorced my husband, as obviously this isn't encouraged within Christianity. But I will admit it would have been difficult at times. I suppose it depends on the level of commitment of the Christian, and the openmindedness of the non-Christian about religion.

If you're married, it's always worth fighting for.

If I was unmarried and didn't have children and I found God while my partner remained an atheist, I would end the relationship.

I would say its linked to mental health, is this new religion attached to a group? Sometimes it's about belonging and connection to a 'family', a higher power like a surrogate 'Dad' or a guru or expert with 'the answers'. These things can be attractive source of security in the face of uncertainty. Or where a person has issues relating to their own family of origin.
But yeah, mere mortals will be trampled on in the stampede to enlightenment. He might get over this one but another one might come along.

@Isthisthereaklife

By the way we have been together happily for six years so this is a huge change

Sorry, I should have read through all the posts properly before commenting

It hadn't come across the term spiritual bypassing but it really does ring true. This sort of tendency in religious communities would find someone on the washing up rota or cleaning out the henhouse coupled with some time in serious reflection with a good spiritual director. For those independently seeing enlightenment there aren't the checks and balances of a tradition that knows the human heart very well thus there is a danger of advanced navel gazing and turning in rather than turning out.

Good luck OP.

Hmmm I guess it depends on how vocal the religious person is about it all and how accepting the other person is.

I’m a Christian. Dh isn’t. I don’t go to church though. I went to a Christian school and I pray before sleep. But that’s as far as it goes for me. I don’t feel the need to try to convert anyone and I never actually talk about it (apart from now!) most people wouldn’t even know I was religious. My relationship with God is personal.

Dh knows. But he isn’t at all religious and that’s ok. We just accept each other for who we are.

I can see how this can be become very problematic. Being judged would probably begin to creep in to the relationship with the new found self righteousness.
I'm Jewish but I have never tried to influence any partner I've been with or indeed any of my children. I simply live by my own way but am very careful not to let it affect others.

I have just re-visited this thread, and read it in full. I remember telling my husband that if he’d told me he’d wanted a sex change, I’d have felt no more betrayed. I know that sounds extreme, but it was the utterly massive change in who he was that really threw me. We had always been able to have fun, even during challenging times, and it had kind of kept us afloat. We completely stopped having fun, and I could see how happy he was when chanting with others( a couple of times he persuaded me to go to meetings when he thought I might join the fold) I was flabbergasted. He was completely in it( if you see what I mean) I truly thought’ I have no idea who you are’ it was devastating. I trawled the internet to see if there were any support groups for spouses, sort of like Al anon, but couldn’t find anything. I think a number of previous posters aren’t really getting it. It’s not about agnostic/ religious people living in harmony. I’m sending my best wishes, because I know how bloody hard it is.