I’ve picked another partner who is emotionally dead haven’t I?

[Iwannascream8]

I have a history of bad relationships. I’ve had some therapy and have pinned it back to my
Childhood. I met my husband before therapy who abused me emotionally, physically you name it for 10 years before I had an emotional breakdown.

After a couple of years I met my boyfriend, I fear I was very much still traumatised. It’s been over a year and I’m beginning to see he is emotionally unavailable to me. When I need him and there are very emotional events in my life at the moment he just can’t reach me. I need him at the moment, I can’t help that. He is always saying I need to work, that’s life unfortunately or my car needs fixing or things is my house. I just want to feel like I’m a priority at the moment just well I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not his physical time I’m after, I know we all need to work. I want some of his emotional time. I get frustrated and he can’t see it. He then sends endless msgs about his day, what he’s doing etc. I don’t mind any of that but where is the emotion. I can’t live like this anymore, holding it all in, feeling I’m needy and too much, will push him away. I have emotions….aghhh am I expecting too much. Im just so fed up of being alone all the time mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know what to do? Have I picked another non available emotional one?

If you feel like this, there's no point to it.

It's OK to have emotional needs in a relationship, and if the other person isn't capable or willing to meet them, then you're wasting your time. It's not "needy" to expect a partner to listen to you and seem interested in you. If he just wants to talk about himself and the superficial, then he's not for you.

He always says by msg that “I’m here for you”. But like I’ve said to him today a msg can only go so far….what does that mean. I’m rushing around, extremely stressed and anxious and he is very nice and all but he doesn’t do anything to help me, not physically not emotionally. Apart from talking about non emotional stuff and having sex there is nothing else much. He can’t even tell when I’m fed up, he can’t seem to read any emotions what so ever. It’s odd.

I’ve told him this afternoon that he just can’t seem to reach me emotionally and that I’m getting frustrated and need a bit of space and he is still chatting away about work and it’s annoying me.

It's crap OP, but the good thing is that you recognise that now and you don't have to put up with it.

Let this one go and find someone who is capable of an emotional connection.

Do you think having a partner is better than being alone? After such an abusive marriage I would have thought quite a long time on your own would be much better for you.

I think you're just terribly mismatched. You do sound needy, understandable in times of stress, but too much for many people.

What is it exactly that you want from him?

OP, what is he not doing that you need him to do?

If someone told me that I can't reach them emotionally, I would feel a bit despairing, and wonder why they were making such a big thing about it. I'd think it sounded a bit 'teenage girl', but would humour them if I loved them - though I can't say I could engage with it.

Perhaps you are just mismatched? I couldn't really be with a partner who was emotionally needy, even if they had good reason to be.

She said she wants his emotional time, so she probably just wants him to listen to her and say some reassuring things, rather than telling her all about what he's been up to that day.

He is your boyfriend and not live in partner?
I don't think you're going to get the amount of emotional support you need from him by text, perhaps you have to accept the more emotional side of him will be there when you see him, maybe not daily but a couple of times a week could you suggest you just talk together and try and reconnect more.
Your happiness overall does need to come within yourself and no one can fill that void for you.

I fully admit to being needy at the moment. I was very upfront when we got together that I would be going through an event that would take me to the edge really.

I think perhaps just mismatched. His life has been uneventful and really can’t imagine what I’m going through. I’m expecting too much and I can see that. It feels like rejection to be honest but what can I do I can’t change the events I’m going through they are out of my hands. If he can’t support me then it won’t work and it’s just becoming another drain on my mind really thinking is it me is it him.

I’m also getting annoyed with the reply I have to work that’s life….yeah I get that I’m not stupid. I’m after an it’s ok I love you or anything.

I think I know what you mean op

There but not there. A bum.on the seat and money in the bank but that's as far as the obligation towards the partner seems to go?

It doesn't sound like you are particularly compatible tbh. You need something he can't give and he's waiting fir you to explain what you need but knows u won't becuaee most of us expect our partners to just know. To just be there.

Honestly, living with a partner you can't " read" is hard work.

What sort of event are you going through? What sort of support would help you?

If you ask him explicitly for what support you need, does he try to give it?

It's not odd that he doesn't understand or reach you emotionally. It's just incompatibility.

Once you master this, and master the art of walking away from relationships that don't make you happy, you'll be ok.

It's really not a 'What do I do??' conundrum: just end the relationship.

Then focus on the 'mentally and emotionally alone all the time' thing by learning to be there for yourself. Currently you have these 'I'm not happy' feelings, and all that happens is you freeze and don't know what to do. Imagine if you were looking after a child who was unhappy, and you just stood and stared at it without taking any action; it wouldn't make the child feel better, would it? It would make the child feel even more isolated and odd. Treat you emotions as if they are a child. If they don't like being with him, take them somewhere where they are happy; nice company, nice hobby, quiet time reading, any hobby you enjoy, etc. Shepherd your emotions, take care of them; they are the delicate and wild part of you that can't be controlled. You can only control your responses to them... show them care and respect.

It does sound as if you're not compatible, @Iwannascream8

I think most people have their moments when they need support and a bit of a handhold. But it doesn't have to be your partner who provides that. My partner is rubbish at it - but that's fine. He makes me laugh and he's kind and reliable and does practical things as a way to be supportive. I actually do the same with him.

If I really need emotional support (and I'm pretty robust, but most people need a bit of support when things are really shit), I get it from my female friends.

Is mine rubbish at it tho a)because he just doesn’t know how or b) he really isn’t interested. Either way tho it doesn’t help me.

Analysing the reasons behind why people make you feel rubbish is your problem. It's like looking at your house whilst it burns down and trying to work out why it's burning: JUST GET OUT!

What if I’m just over whelmed at the moment and I make a mistake and end it?

Does the relationship make you feel good, valued, secure, loved - does it add to your life?

If not, ending it isn't a mistake.

@TheCourse Love that! v insightful and a great way to express being able to validate your own emotions.

No it fills my tired head with constant doubt and I don’t know why. I’ve told him I’m asking for too much and he tells me not to be daft ask and he’ll try and answer…I’m not looking for solutions or answers as there are none I’m looking for something inside, something that settles my mind…..oh I don’t bloody know it probably doesn’t exist.

@Iwannascream8

All that will happen if you wait is, you’ll get through The Thing, feel stronger and be more able to gloss over your incompatibility with him. You’re just kicking the can down the road

He sounds as emotionally thick as mince

Like some PP I can’t tell what it is you want from him, can you spell it out?

Is it something like “I want him to sit down and listen to me while I talk about what’s going on and how I’m feeling, and maybe give me a hug”.

If so that’s not at all unreasonable but maybe he needs it spelling out?

Or is it that you need hours and hours of being listened to/supported and he’s saying he hasn’t got enough time for that?