I’ve picked another partner who is emotionally dead haven’t I?

[Iwannascream8]

I have a history of bad relationships. I’ve had some therapy and have pinned it back to my
Childhood. I met my husband before therapy who abused me emotionally, physically you name it for 10 years before I had an emotional breakdown.

After a couple of years I met my boyfriend, I fear I was very much still traumatised. It’s been over a year and I’m beginning to see he is emotionally unavailable to me. When I need him and there are very emotional events in my life at the moment he just can’t reach me. I need him at the moment, I can’t help that. He is always saying I need to work, that’s life unfortunately or my car needs fixing or things is my house. I just want to feel like I’m a priority at the moment just well I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not his physical time I’m after, I know we all need to work. I want some of his emotional time. I get frustrated and he can’t see it. He then sends endless msgs about his day, what he’s doing etc. I don’t mind any of that but where is the emotion. I can’t live like this anymore, holding it all in, feeling I’m needy and too much, will push him away. I have emotions….aghhh am I expecting too much. Im just so fed up of being alone all the time mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know what to do? Have I picked another non available emotional one?

@Iwannascream8

You'e chosen a partner who doesn't suit you and you're complaining about it. It's like ordering something you don't like off the menu, and then complaining that the food isn't to your taste.

He doesn't have to do things your way. You don't have to like the way he does things. You're different from each other. Somebody who isn't you might appreciate his approach, and somebody who isn't him would be able to meet your needs.

Accept that you are different; not compatible in this respect. But don't just sit complaining and wheedling that you don't understand; he's simply being who he is. If you don't like it, you don't have to be around it.

[quote Iwannascream8]@Prokupatuscrakedatus that would be great. If he could help me tackle the problem of standing up in court and telling everyone how my ex husband beat and humiliated me. Threatened to kill me buggered off and left me with our child and now wants to take them away. I don’t know how but I would appreciate it rather then pictures of what they ate for dinner or the spreadsheets they working on. I don’t expect him to find solutions I just want some love. But I’m not getting it and I can see that I won’t and I must just move on.[/quote]
What would constitute ‘some love’, though?

@category12 Has she told him that? If she has and I missed it, then I apologise to OP. I was basing my comment on her saying “I’m not asking him to make it go away tbh I don’t really know what I’m asking for.”

He is still offering me solutions via messenger ,I don’t want solutions to my emotions I just want to feel better. I want to cry and rant and someone to sodding hold me and tell me it will be ok. But he can’t as he is always at work. He always gives me that excuse.

It seems like it to me from that - that she asked but he said he's working.

I mean, I don't think the guy is doing anything deliberately hurtful or wrong - it's just he's not got much emotional range or imagination, and he probably thinks he's distracting her with cheerful talk of his steak and car indicator lights.

There are men who would respond differently.

I have told him but like others have said we are different, very different. At first I liked how easy going he is, he made me laugh and was light. He is sweet, he is like a boy but he stops there. He is and can only be who he is. Right now it’s not enough.

@category12 I didn’t interpret it like that, tbf. OP, could you please clarify?

Just to be clear, your needs are valid. I just think you need to communicate them to your partner, or this isn’t going to be a satisfactory relationship. Perhaps, even if you do communicate, he’ll be unable to give you what you need. But I think it’s worth a try.

@Iwannascream8

I have told him but like others have said we are different, very different. At first I liked how easy going he is, he made me laugh and was light. He is sweet, he is like a boy but he stops there. He is and can only be who he is. Right now it’s not enough.

Sorry, cross post. You’ve told him, specifically, that you don’t want the light banter and solutions, you just want to be held and have a bit of a rant/cry?

Well, in that case, I’m afraid he either can’t or won’t give you what you need. I’m not sure I’d term him ‘emotionally dead’, but he’s not the partner for you. I’m sorry.

OP I say this in the nicest way. He won't be able to fill up for holes that your ex has dug out of you. No one will be able to make you feel better but you.

You cannot rely on anyone to meet your needs all of the time. It sounds like you need some time on your own working on your healing journey. I actually do think you're being unreasonable expecting him to emotionally support you as much as you need. It's nothing to do with depth, what you need isn't possible from a boyfriend. You need to take care of yourself OP.

You clearly are looking for a connection…one where you don’t need to goad him into saying the things you wanna hear.
He obviously has no clue how to soothe you or emphasise with you, which is what you are wanting. You want someone who knows you, who gets it and he just doesn’t.
He’s not done anything wrong but he’s not emotionally available. Deeper conversations will always be prompted by you and not go in the way you want or expect.
I’ve tried and tried with these types and it never gets any easier.

[quote Iwannascream8]@Prokupatuscrakedatus that would be great. If he could help me tackle the problem of standing up in court and telling everyone how my ex husband beat and humiliated me. Threatened to kill me buggered off and left me with our child and now wants to take them away. I don’t know how but I would appreciate it rather then pictures of what they ate for dinner or the spreadsheets they working on. I don’t expect him to find solutions I just want some love. But I’m not getting it and I can see that I won’t and I must just move on.[/quote]
OP, this is awful to read, and far more awful for you to experience.

However, I think it's too much for anyone else to take on. A female friend, or a group of female friends, or family, might be able to support you. But it sounds as if you're not ready for an easy, lighthearted relationship - and it isn't really realistic to expect someone to dive into this murky pool with you. I couldn't do it. I could offer a boyfriend what your boyfriend is offering you, but I couldn't be sucked into the vortex of someone else's former relationship.

It sounds as if you need to deal with this horrible phase of your life and find some inner peace before you get involved with anyone else. As you've written it, I think it's too much to put on anyone else.

@Iwannascream8

I have a history of bad relationships. I’ve had some therapy and have pinned it back to my Childhood. I met my husband before therapy who abused me emotionally, physically you name it for 10 years before I had an emotional breakdown.

After a couple of years I met my boyfriend, I fear I was very much still traumatised. It’s been over a year and I’m beginning to see he is emotionally unavailable to me. When I need him and there are very emotional events in my life at the moment he just can’t reach me. I need him at the moment, I can’t help that. He is always saying I need to work, that’s life unfortunately or my car needs fixing or things is my house. I just want to feel like I’m a priority at the moment just well I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not his physical time I’m after, I know we all need to work. I want some of his emotional time. I get frustrated and he can’t see it. He then sends endless msgs about his day, what he’s doing etc. I don’t mind any of that but where is the emotion. I can’t live like this anymore, holding it all in, feeling I’m needy and too much, will push him away. I have emotions….aghhh am I expecting too much. Im just so fed up of being alone all the time mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know what to do? Have I picked another non available emotional one?

How would you prefer your partner to be ? I'm also invested in your response, as hopefully it will give me information on how to be more emotional available

@Hawkins001 the OP isn't emotionally available either. She's caught up in the destruction of her previous relationship to be emotionally available to another.

Everyone has core emotional needs and core relationship needs. No one can meet all of your core emotional needs, relationship needs are different to human core emotional needs. To be emotionally available to someone you need to be in a healthy place yourself. Be able to meet your own needs and not expect others to fill you up is the first step to being emotionally healthy.

OP I really suggest you speak to your gp and access talking therapies. It sounds like you are very stressed atm and have a lot going on. Please be kind to yourself.

@PeaceInMyLife you are right I am stuck in a way. I understand no one can make me feel better but I also can’t do it alone. I want to feel better but I don’t know how. I have things I enjoy that fulfil me but I have a chronic health condition which stops me being able to do what I enjoy, I get frustrated with that.

I want this to be over now but he will drag this out and he wants access to our child. It scares me so much. I’m just not free of my ex.

I feel sorry for what I’m asking of my boyfriend, this is not his mess.

[quote Iwannascream8]@PeaceInMyLife you are right I am stuck in a way. I understand no one can make me feel better but I also can’t do it alone. I want to feel better but I don’t know how. I have things I enjoy that fulfil me but I have a chronic health condition which stops me being able to do what I enjoy, I get frustrated with that.

I want this to be over now but he will drag this out and he wants access to our child. It scares me so much. I’m just not free of my ex.

I feel sorry for what I’m asking of my boyfriend, this is not his mess.[/quote]
All the best op

I think you're better out of it OP. Some people are emotionally dead its just the way they are. Some people who are on the spectrum can be that way, some are not. If you're thinking that way now something is missing and he's not the one.

Something I want is for him to take me away from being on my own all the time dwelling on my memories. Keep me distracted, keep me company, sit with me until this raw time passes. To empathise not to understand or to fix but to just be here physically. It isn’t going to go away with him or without him, it’s not something anyone can fix. If he wants to be with me and he keeps saying he does he is going to have to make the effort because that’s what I need from him. I need his help right now at this particular time.

I get you OP. You need emotional support and he isn't capable of giving that. You've been through a lot, you need someone to vent to and talk through your emotions, someone who will empathise with all of it. I think his life experience may be too limited. He has probably never opened his heart fully to someone. You have and you got burnt.
You are an ocean. He is a puddle.

Thanks @Blindleadingtheblind I went to bed feeling better after reading that. That’s how I feel. I feel it’s not he doesn’t want to help simply he hasn’t the tools or understanding too. It’s like Im in the deep end struggling to swim and he is stood at the edge shouting I’ll help when he needs to get in and help or throw some sort of buoyancy aid. Isn’t that how relationships get deeper, you sit in the shit then when the time comes you sit with them. Anyway none of that matters if we not on the same page.

OP do you have a support network outside your partner?

There was a recent thread about a poster's husband who called his mum first with his problems. A lot of posters said they did the same - they wanted to vent and just wanted to hear sympathy, which their mum provided. Whereas their husbands were often more practical and offered solutions, which isn't what they wanted emotionally.

It's so important to have support networks beyond your partner. One person can't be everything to you.

Seems like your partner is the kind of person whose reaction to someone else being sad is to either offer practical fixes or light-hearted distractions. That's not being emotionally dead, it's how a lot of people are (and it's what a lot of people want, too). But that kind of person isn't usually great at the hugs and tears and direct emotional stuff. I think if you had someone in your life who could give you that, you wouldn't feel the lack of it from your partner so much. But he can't.

@gannett unfortunately I don’t have someone to go to. My mum can’t provide anything other then an update on the weather.

I'm NC with my mum so I know how that feels. Friends?

When I have a crisis I try to talk to someone who's been through a similar or the same thing.

It’s hard to find people who have been through the same. There was a charity in my town that met up but that had stopped now.

I’ll give him this though he is taking a metaphorical battering from me and he hasn’t done one.

It feels like your problem is not one that your bf, or anyone, can make better. You are facing something that is huge and emotional and exhausting. You are expecting your bf to make you feel better, but I don't think that's necesssarily fair on him.

He doesn't sound like a bad person. He is dating someone who is going through something huge. That doesn't mean he is automatically equipped to deal with it. I think you would agree that you aren't automatically equipped to deal with it, so why would he be?

If you have explicitly told him what you need, to feel comforted, and he ignores that, then maybe it's time to move on. Your posts have been quite vague at times about what you want from him, so why would he know?

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time, but your bf can't change that. It isn't his job to change it. Yes a loving bf will do his best to comfort and support.

I don't judge him for not being available when he's at work. It isn't fair to hold that against him.

@layladomino yes I know you are right.
I don’t know how to make this better. Spending time with him makes me feel better so I’m clutching at that. He works all the time, sometimes 60hrs a week.