I’ve picked another partner who is emotionally dead haven’t I?

[Iwannascream8]

I have a history of bad relationships. I’ve had some therapy and have pinned it back to my
Childhood. I met my husband before therapy who abused me emotionally, physically you name it for 10 years before I had an emotional breakdown.

After a couple of years I met my boyfriend, I fear I was very much still traumatised. It’s been over a year and I’m beginning to see he is emotionally unavailable to me. When I need him and there are very emotional events in my life at the moment he just can’t reach me. I need him at the moment, I can’t help that. He is always saying I need to work, that’s life unfortunately or my car needs fixing or things is my house. I just want to feel like I’m a priority at the moment just well I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not his physical time I’m after, I know we all need to work. I want some of his emotional time. I get frustrated and he can’t see it. He then sends endless msgs about his day, what he’s doing etc. I don’t mind any of that but where is the emotion. I can’t live like this anymore, holding it all in, feeling I’m needy and too much, will push him away. I have emotions….aghhh am I expecting too much. Im just so fed up of being alone all the time mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know what to do? Have I picked another non available emotional one?

@Iwannascream8

What if I’m just over whelmed at the moment and I make a mistake and end it?

You simply have to understand that a healthy relationship will make you feel good.

It really is that simple. Do things/go to places/spend time with people who make you feel good. Good on the inside. Good in the middle.

If something makes you feel overwhelmed or anxious or uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form, then there are 2 things to do: Firstly, calmly say that that's how you feel, and what you need. 'I feel anxious, and I need some reassurance', 'I feel overwhelmed and I need some space', 'I feel excited and I need to jump up and down' etc. Notice that you never need to analyse your feelings. Just take them as they are, and respond to them. Let the other person know what you need. Then give the person time to respect what you've said, and to respect your feelings. Just once. They just get one chance. If they fail to respect your feelings, that will feel crap for you, so you pull away from them.

That's it. That's all your future relationships, and this one, fully boundaried and healthy for you, or dismissed. You never need to be in a shit relationship that doesn't meet your needs again. You don't need to figure out your emotions, or where they originated, or what's triggering them. You don't need to argue with anybody or be demanding or be needy. 'I feel x and I need y'. It really is that simple.

It’s probably not his fault at all that he doesn’t reach me, I’m a deep ocean. What he offers me doesn’t do anything. I feel alone even though we are together.

Remove fault from the equation. Nobody has to do anything wrong for another person to feel bad. People connect on different levels; there can be areas of incompatibility, because people do things in different ways. There's no need to blame anybody or feel that anybody is wrong. Not you, not him.

Only look at and respond to how you feel. For example, if you loved rodents and he bought you a hamster, you'd feel happy. But if you have a pathological loathing of rodents and he bought you a hamster, you'd want to poke his eyes out. It's not his action that's the problem, and there's nothing wrong with either response from you; it's just about whether his actions happen to meet your preferences or not.

Everybody is a deep ocean. We're not in a poem. Spend time with people who connect on the same level as you. That's it.

He is still offering me solutions via messenger ,I don’t want solutions to my emotions I just want to feel better. I want to cry and rant and someone to sodding hold me and tell me it will be ok. But he can’t as he is always at work. He always gives me that excuse.

Rephrase that post without the drama, and tell him.

What's stopping you?

I’ve told him to just stop offering me solutions I just want to feel better. He just doesn’t understand. He just says I have to work that’s life I’m afraid, he isn’t getting it. He works a full time job and another on top, it’s a lot.

He is extremely inexperienced the poor guy, I’m his longest relationship and he is in his 30’s, he is clearly way out of his comfort zone with me. His past girlfriends when he has discussed in the past he was very take it or leave it. He is probably just incapable of giving what I need.

Women who expect men to be mind-readers create a self-fulfilling future of permanent disappointment.

Talk to him and tell him exactly what you need from him and exactly what you expect him to actually do. Spell it out. Don’t be waffle, be vague or speak in generalities about feelings and emotions. Most men’s brains are simply not wired to understand this stuff.

Well that's it then. You've made it clear what you need, and he's shown no signs of providing it, so you need to walk away.

What he offers me doesn’t do anything. I feel alone even though we are together.

So break it off, he isn't right for you.

Am I expecting too much from a man?

@Iwannascream8

Am I expecting too much from a man?

No, there are emotionally intelligent men.

Hell, he doesn't even have to be that emotionally intelligent to occasionally make some time for you, let you talk things out and give you a cuddle when you need one.

@Iwannascream8

Am I expecting too much from a man?

Who do you think sets the limits and the boundaries of what you would be reasonable to expect?

I don’t know but what’s with the keep offering solutions. And dates when he did say this and that was nice so that makes it all better as I’ve done my quota. When he brought me flowers he said thats what you do when girlfriends are upset.

What is it that you want from him? What does "emotional time" look like for you? I may be thick as mince myself but I'm not really sure what it is you mean.

So far I can gather that you want to vent about things that are stressing you (and you do) and ... then what? You don't like him suggesting solutions (fair enough but sounds like he's trying to be helpful in a logical way) but you just want him to say "there there, sorry to hear that, I love you". Is that right or is it something else?

If you told him that's the response you need would he do that? It wouldn't take much time, emotional or otherwise.

Or do you need something more and if so what does that look like? Do you even know?

It does sound like you're not terribly compatible (though perhaps two deep oceans together might be a bit much - would you have to vent and soothe in turn I wonder?)

Or maybe you're just expecting too much. I have to say I'd find it rather wearing if I was a positive person cracking on with a busy life and my partner regularly wanted me to set aside time to hear them moan and mope and shrug off any suggestions of what might help, I'd get a bit fed up with it too be honest. Don't get me wrong, I find it cathartic to have a good moan some days but 5 mins and I'm done and either laugh it off or plan what I'm going to do to improve things. I don't expect my husband to tend to my emotional needs usually and if I do I tell him what I need (some space or taking the burden of practical stuff off me). He's not very good at the "there there" stuff but I'm OK with that. As I've got older that stuff seems a bit pointless and fluffy anyway. Makes more sense to tackle the root cause of the stress/upset instead of miring yourself in it day after day.

@Iwannascream8

I’ve told him to just stop offering me solutions I just want to feel better. He just doesn’t understand. He just says I have to work that’s life I’m afraid, he isn’t getting it. He works a full time job and another on top, it’s a lot.

How is he meant to make this happen, though? What do you want him to do, that would make you feel better? Have you told him, in specific terms? Not ‘I just want to feel better’, but ‘I need XYZ from you’.

I’ll be honest, I’ve RTFT and I’m still not really clear what exactly you want him to do. Do you feel you have articulated your needs to him?

What happens if you can’t laugh it all off.

I have been a bit vague but I’m about to go to court and the whole of my abusive marriage is getting told. Ex wants access to our child having not bothered for a long time. I don’t want to go through this. I am struggling. My boyfriend new about this but I expect it’s was outside of what he can deal with and really he can’t make it any better. I can’t make it go away I feel genuinely awful and scared.

I’m not asking him to make it go away tbh I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I’m just scared for my child and of going through all the memories again.

I’m very sorry about what you’re going through, it sounds incredibly hard. I hope things work out.

However, if you don’t know or can’t articulate what it is you want from your boyfriend, then I don’t think he can be expected to know, either. He can’t give you what you need if you can’t tell him what that is.

I would find a partner who wanted to moan and rant without tackling the problem very exhausting and well, immature.

But then I am not an ocean

@Prokupatuscrakedatus that would be great. If he could help me tackle the problem of standing up in court and telling everyone how my ex husband beat and humiliated me. Threatened to kill me buggered off and left me with our child and now wants to take them away. I don’t know how but I would appreciate it rather then pictures of what they ate for dinner or the spreadsheets they working on. I don’t expect him to find solutions I just want some love. But I’m not getting it and I can see that I won’t and I must just move on.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

I would find a partner who wanted to moan and rant without tackling the problem very exhausting and well, immature.

But then I am not an ocean

You're not an ocean, but I can think of some other words for someone being pretty unpleasant to someone in distress, who is facing some big stressful upcoming events and revisiting trauma.

@MooncakeandAvocato

I’m very sorry about what you’re going through, it sounds incredibly hard. I hope things work out.

However, if you don’t know or can’t articulate what it is you want from your boyfriend, then I don’t think he can be expected to know, either. He can’t give you what you need if you can’t tell him what that is.

And OP has articulated what she needs, she needs him to listen to her and hold her.

So far in the past 30 mins I’ve had a picture of a car indicator and some glasses at work oh and his steak from work.
It’s just infuriating really. In a way he is so lucky to only have that to worry about. Meanwhile I’ve got a child with a stomach bug who’s vomiting everywhere. All this bloody court stuff, I’m not well. It’s just building up. He on the other hand just goes home and sits in his hot tub.