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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve picked another partner who is emotionally dead haven’t I?

96 replies

Iwannascream8 · 18/11/2021 16:56

I have a history of bad relationships. I’ve had some therapy and have pinned it back to my
Childhood. I met my husband before therapy who abused me emotionally, physically you name it for 10 years before I had an emotional breakdown.

After a couple of years I met my boyfriend, I fear I was very much still traumatised. It’s been over a year and I’m beginning to see he is emotionally unavailable to me. When I need him and there are very emotional events in my life at the moment he just can’t reach me. I need him at the moment, I can’t help that. He is always saying I need to work, that’s life unfortunately or my car needs fixing or things is my house. I just want to feel like I’m a priority at the moment just well I’m finding it really difficult. It’s not his physical time I’m after, I know we all need to work. I want some of his emotional time. I get frustrated and he can’t see it. He then sends endless msgs about his day, what he’s doing etc. I don’t mind any of that but where is the emotion. I can’t live like this anymore, holding it all in, feeling I’m needy and too much, will push him away. I have emotions….aghhh am I expecting too much. Im just so fed up of being alone all the time mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know what to do? Have I picked another non available emotional one?

OP posts:

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 19/11/2021 11:40

OP, are you having therapy? Honestly I think a good therapist would enable you to give yourself those things. Which is the way it really needs to be for you to find long term peace. This partner MAY be able to prop you up emotionally for a while…but noone can long term…except you.
Your ex relationship has damaged you, be kind to yourself and anyone you are involved with by healing that for yourself and finding a peace from which you will be able to then enjoy a relationship without any need to lean too hard elsewhere.

layladomino · 19/11/2021 11:52

If spending time with him makes you feel better, then do that. I appreciate it's hard when someone works long hours (for either party).

I agree that therapy may help if you aren't doing that already.

The fact is that you are in this horrible situation because of your abusive ex. You've had the strength to get his far, and you will get through it.

BertieBotts · 19/11/2021 11:54

Read all the stuff on Natalie Lue's website, Baggage Reclaim. Seriously life changing stuff. She has a book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Original poster

Iwannascream8 · 19/11/2021 12:46

How can I fix what I can’t fix at the moment. I can’t figure a way out of my thoughts about him getting to our child. Absolutely no good will come from it, we have been fine on our own without him. Me and my child we have our own house,doing amazing at school. They are lovely and don’t need him.

Yes my boyfriend cant not take this away but at this extremely difficult time he could do more, I would but then I’m me. His comments gloss over just how hard I am finding it. I know he can not understand my pain and he won’t if he doesn’t physically see me.

OP posts:

MooncakeandAvocato · 19/11/2021 14:07

Have you made any attempts to access therapy? I know you have in the past, but I mean recently.

HelpWendy · 19/11/2021 18:01

I saw this and thought of your post.

I’ve picked another partner who is emotionally dead haven’t I?

2Rebecca · 19/11/2021 20:34

It sounds as though you want a therapist not a boyfriend. You are supposed to support him as much as he supports you. You don't sound as though you want to see him because you love him, enjoy his company and have fun together but see him as someone to offload negative emotions on.
I suggest getting yourself sorted out so you are more confident and happy and able to participate with someone as an equal.
Then look for someone who has a less demanding job and wants to fo the stuff you are interested in in their spare time.

Denisthepenis · 19/11/2021 20:41

@2Rebecca

It sounds as though you want a therapist not a boyfriend. You are supposed to support him as much as he supports you. You don't sound as though you want to see him because you love him, enjoy his company and have fun together but see him as someone to offload negative emotions on. I suggest getting yourself sorted out so you are more confident and happy and able to participate with someone as an equal. Then look for someone who has a less demanding job and wants to fo the stuff you are interested in in their spare time.

I agree with this. I also think that "emotionally dead" is a bit mean. Just because someone doesn't want to wallow in someone else's emotional bathwater doesn't make them "emotionally dead".

TatianaBis · 19/11/2021 22:49

I was going to say what a couple of posters have said on this page - what you need is a therapist and also some victim support if you’re going to court.

Unfortunately there’s a lot of shit one goes through in life that, even with the best will in the world, partner simply can’t make better - they’re not healers, they’re just people.

Whether this guy is the right one for you, possibly not. But you’re expecting far more than a partner can possibly give.

Good luck I hope you find the support you need.

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/11/2021 00:20

Your BF is not emotionally dead, that is clear and also a bit offensive! He is obviously trying to show you in his language that he is there, and cares.

You need to have a good think about what you want from him. TBH I don't think you know which given your history is completely understandable. But he matters too, and he is your BF, not a therapist.

Original poster

Iwannascream8 · 20/11/2021 08:35

Yes I understand what you are all saying. He is who he is and he loves me in the way he does. And no at the moment I can’t see the woods for the trees. I don’t spend my time with him moaning about my issues, if I did I’m sure he would be well gone. We have fun, watch films, go for walks etc etc. He makes me able to get through my thoughts when I’m alone when we are together. He helps fill up my battery. I am on my own rather a lot at the time I really don’t want to be. It’s 3 weeks to court. I’m not usually like this.

OP posts:

category12 · 20/11/2021 09:10

Maybe hang on until you're through court, and see how you feel then?

If long term him working as much as he does is going to be an issue for you, and there's an emotional lack there, then maybe he's not right for you.

But it's probably difficult to know at the moment, when you're struggling so much. I hope you get some support.

minipie · 20/11/2021 09:38

I am on my own rather a lot at the time I really don’t want to be.

I think this is the key here. You want company to distract you. He’s working long hours. What else can you do to distract yourself? Exercise? Decluttering? Audiobooks? Are there any local groups you could join? MN is pretty good company, not physical of course but we can chat with the best of them. Good luck

WTF475878237NC · 20/11/2021 09:44

I understand OP. You want someone who will give you a hug, tell you you're doing great, everything will be OK, make you a cup of tea and hold you while you cry? These are normal offerings of support during bad times in an emotionally attuned relationship. Have you specifically told him when I feel X could you please try and do Y?

Original poster

Iwannascream8 · 20/11/2021 10:18

I’m with him now at the weekend…he just is a sweet boy really. Shame he is very inexperienced and I could literally eat him up. When I talk to him I know he just can’t reach what I’m saying. He tries to find comparisons like when I had a van this happened etc etc and it’s really not the same. But hey I do love the fact his life has been so nice and he isn’t tainted by anything really. He will not be able to understand the pain I’m in right now or know what level of seriousness he needs to be. He has never witnessed the kind of evil I have and I love him for that and I hate the fact my past comes into this. I have to just learn I can’t have what I want all the time. I don’t want to loose him I’m just tired and I want this pain to be over. I’ve been no contact for over 2 years and really have done well. To even find someone again which was totally out of the blue, I never wanted another relationship again. But he is just so sweet and calm. I guess that’s one of the issues I’m not used to no drama from my partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iwannascream8 · 20/11/2021 10:21

I’m getting at him because I have no one else to get this out to I know. I think I just need to get through this uncertain time and go from there and try not to ruin this relationship in the meantime as it would make me sad. My daughter loves him and he is and his family so great with her. I don’t want to ruin this just because Im feeling crap.

OP posts:

MooncakeandAvocato · 20/11/2021 12:27

Lots of us are suggesting therapy, OP. You don’t seem to want to engage with this?

Original poster

Iwannascream8 · 20/11/2021 12:50

I have been to therapy in the past.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 21/11/2021 17:55

@Iwannascream8

That's where I would consider you need to make effort not to push him away,

Nov910 · 22/11/2021 09:05

@Iwannascream8 I appreciate where you’re coming from. You need more than you feel you’re getting, or at least in a different way. The guy I was dating was the same. He was supportive but I’m a look at me and listen way. So long as it wasn’t about us making a future or big plan he’d be ok. If it was he’d either sit and look and say nothing or he’d panic, leave mine and go silent on me while he processed whatever it was. I’d then not hear from him unless I do contacted him.
I’m sure he’s giving ‘his’ best. Sometimes a persons ways just aren’t suited to ours unfortunately. I’d imagine he finds the situation very stressful for you, its wether you can accept the way it is x

HereticFanjo · 22/11/2021 09:43

OP I can tell you that if you want an emotional connection and he doesn't it will erode your relationship and your sense of self. Go back to therapy, build a loving relationship with your self and let this one go. Some people just have no desire to make a real, authentic connection with another person. Some people just want a nice chill partner to bumble along with.

You're just not looking for the same thing. It's OK to walk away.

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