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Original poster

Big trouble in Relationships

90 replies

Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 13:44

Hi everyone, i wanted to ask an opinion and what i could do to make things better. Recently me and my partner had a massive fallout where at the end she decided that she is not sure if she still loves me but no matter what still cares about me. The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her). She decided to take a month break "to see how things will go" and she told me that this month will be crucial for her to understand what she really wants from us. We live together and taking an actual break is nearly impossible, but i want to do everything possible to show that i can be what she need and i can always be the person that i sometimes am (which is good and 100% focused on the relationship) because I love her and it's been almost 6 years that we've been together. I really don't want to lose her and i want to light the fire in her heart again and i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am. Any suggestions on how to manage this situation? And is doing anything going to help or it's just completely up to her and no matter what I do it will not affect the decision? Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Thank you

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 18/11/2021 13:46

Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Has she said she's going to make improvements from her side too? Because this ^ sounds like emotional blackmail and making you jump through hoops to keep her, which isn't on.

It takes two to make or break a relationship.

IknowwhatIneed · 18/11/2021 13:47

Are you not showing her who you really are after 6 years? If not, why not? Have you listened to her, what is she unhappy with and why, what does she need to see from you? What made you pull back into yourself - have you dealt with that.

It’s not about a tick list of things to do or not do, it’s about you listening to her and responding to her needs (and vice versa).

Peach01 · 18/11/2021 13:51

I agree with Sparkl. I was going to suggest that of course you should try over the next month rather than leave her to it, but what she said sounds like she's expecting you to do all of running and meet her expectations, while she can take or leave it. Both of you are in the relationship. Unless there's been something significant that you've done that's caused this rift while she's given her all then it shouldn't all be down to you.

theremustonlybeone · 18/11/2021 13:54

If she has asked you for a months break then let her have it. Trying to love bomb her to prove to her you care isnt responding to her request. Let her have her space and be respectful. Take the time to think about how you have got to this situation and what you can do in the long term to make her feel loved and in a caring relationship.

I am not sure I agree its blackmail, sounds like she has had enough and wants you to respect her decision to have break.

theremustonlybeone · 18/11/2021 13:55

The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her) what does that mean? When you say you werent good to her.

Sparklfairy · 18/11/2021 14:00

I am not sure I agree its blackmail, sounds like she has had enough and wants you to respect her decision to have break.

Then say "I want a months break" not "you're on notice for a month at which point I will score you marks out of 10 and you'd better make sure you put the effort in"

This sort of "test" never works anyway, so shes an idiot. He could be perfect for a month and it all be an act. She could hold it over his head forever and as soon as he puts a toe out of line, dump him with a dramatic "see! I just KNEW you couldn't keep it up!" Then force him to work to get her back in an endless cycle of her in the driving seat dictating his behaviour.

Its really really unhealthy and OP needs to let her go and treat it as a full break up. Though don't be surprised when she turns on the manipulation and tears when she realises you're not chasing after her.

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:18

@Sparklfairy

Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Has she said she's going to make improvements from her side too? Because this ^ sounds like emotional blackmail and making you jump through hoops to keep her, which isn't on.

It takes two to make or break a relationship.

So it's mainly my fault and she has always given me 100% and i had periods of time when i also gave 100% but then dark times when i gave 50% if that makes sense.
OP posts:
Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:21

@Peach01

I agree with Sparkl. I was going to suggest that of course you should try over the next month rather than leave her to it, but what she said sounds like she's expecting you to do all of running and meet her expectations, while she can take or leave it. Both of you are in the relationship. Unless there's been something significant that you've done that's caused this rift while she's given her all then it shouldn't all be down to you.
As i already replied to another user, she always gave me 100% and i did too but there were times when i didn't feel well as person and my engagement dropped, but then it went up again and like this for a few times. But in the core, i loved her always and this "month" it's an opportunity from her so i can show that i will actually hold onto my words when i said "i will change" because i NEED to change.
OP posts:
Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:23

@IknowwhatIneed

Are you not showing her who you really are after 6 years? If not, why not? Have you listened to her, what is she unhappy with and why, what does she need to see from you? What made you pull back into yourself - have you dealt with that.

It’s not about a tick list of things to do or not do, it’s about you listening to her and responding to her needs (and vice versa).

I am, but i have dark moments when i lock myself out and i'm passive. She said that she is tired of waiting because we already talked about it previously and she doesn't want this kind of up and downs all the time because it doesnt give her emotional stability that she needs. That's why i mentioned "one month" because this is her last chance where i can show that i really care for my promise and after what happened she actually deserves it.
OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 18/11/2021 14:29

So what happened on the times you weren't giving 100% and were not too good to her, what exactly did you do/not do?

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:29

@Adam1996

Hi everyone, i wanted to ask an opinion and what i could do to make things better. Recently me and my partner had a massive fallout where at the end she decided that she is not sure if she still loves me but no matter what still cares about me. The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her). She decided to take a month break "to see how things will go" and she told me that this month will be crucial for her to understand what she really wants from us. We live together and taking an actual break is nearly impossible, but i want to do everything possible to show that i can be what she need and i can always be the person that i sometimes am (which is good and 100% focused on the relationship) because I love her and it's been almost 6 years that we've been together. I really don't want to lose her and i want to light the fire in her heart again and i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am. Any suggestions on how to manage this situation? And is doing anything going to help or it's just completely up to her and no matter what I do it will not affect the decision? Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Thank you

Plus, she said that she might realize that she is wrong and that she really loves me ( And i believe that she is honest because she did not give me a definitive answer straight away but she had to "clear Her mind" and then asked her close friend for her opinion) so i know that she can change her mind because i know her too well. I just want to know what i'm supposed to do to fix this situation. Should i refresh myself and focus on the things i did wrong (because trust me, i always wanted to and i did but then something brought me down again) or should i just let it be (to mention another thing, when i asked her what should i do to prove to you that i care and i want to change, she said "just be you, if you know me good enough, you will know what to do")
OP posts:
Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:30

@Fatgalslim

So what happened on the times you weren't giving 100% and were not too good to her, what exactly did you do/not do?
When it was 100% i was there all the time and i made her happy, but during the dark times i had, i was barely there and i kept focusing on myself rather than US.
OP posts:
litterbird · 18/11/2021 14:34

It sounds like you have some issues that need to be working on with help. I was with someone who had similar traits as you and it is exhausting not knowing if you were coming home to someone who is present or someone who is locked away emotionally. Sitting there waiting for them to come back emotionally can cause a lot of anguish for the person supporting you. It sounds like she has just had enough of the hot and cold behaviour. She needs consistency to feel secure and loved. I would get help for yourself and give her as much space as possible.

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:39

@litterbird

It sounds like you have some issues that need to be working on with help. I was with someone who had similar traits as you and it is exhausting not knowing if you were coming home to someone who is present or someone who is locked away emotionally. Sitting there waiting for them to come back emotionally can cause a lot of anguish for the person supporting you. It sounds like she has just had enough of the hot and cold behaviour. She needs consistency to feel secure and loved. I would get help for yourself and give her as much space as possible.
But in this case, what will be of the relationship?
OP posts:
litterbird · 18/11/2021 14:46

The relationship will be one that needs to change to be able to thrive. This change from you and of course her to support you when you get help will either get the growth you need together to survive or she will see its not right for her. Right now, she is looking at an exit plan if she doesnt feel she can continue. If you get back together without the work needed to fix what is wrong then you will continue to go round in circles. When I was in this position, I realised I just couldn't be with such inconsistency in a relationship. It took me a while to get to the decision to leave but I eventually did. No one has a crystal ball to how your partner will decide but right now she is ebbing towards walking away for good.

perplexedandvexed · 18/11/2021 14:49

When you say you weren't 'good to her' what do you mean?
We all go through ups and downs and part of being in a healthy relationship is being there for the other person on their good days and their bad. You're not very clear as to HOW bad, if at all, you actually are when you go through these periods.
If by 'not giving her 100%' you mean you're not singing from the rooftops about your undying love for her and showering her with gifts 24/7 then I'd say that's normal and her expectations are unrealistic. IF however, by not giving her 100% all the time, you mean you're texting other girls/ cheating/ being abusive etc then she shouldn't even be giving you another chance and she'd be right to walk away.
More detail needed.

TheCourse · 18/11/2021 14:51

i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am

Who were you in the years leading up to this, if not 'really you'?

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:55

@TheCourse

i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am

Who were you in the years leading up to this, if not 'really you'?

i was myself but for the past 3 years i've been dealing with some sort of depression that dimmed my real personality
OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 18/11/2021 14:55

Yeah, you're still skirting around the question a bit

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:57

@perplexedandvexed

When you say you weren't 'good to her' what do you mean? We all go through ups and downs and part of being in a healthy relationship is being there for the other person on their good days and their bad. You're not very clear as to HOW bad, if at all, you actually are when you go through these periods. If by 'not giving her 100%' you mean you're not singing from the rooftops about your undying love for her and showering her with gifts 24/7 then I'd say that's normal and her expectations are unrealistic. IF however, by not giving her 100% all the time, you mean you're texting other girls/ cheating/ being abusive etc then she shouldn't even be giving you another chance and she'd be right to walk away. More detail needed.
I never cheated on her if that's what you ask. And let me clarify not giving 100% - Not showing enough interest in means of emotions and personal (such as : Not asking her how she is or how she feels) Not listening all the time and being less keen to doing stuff together.
OP posts:
Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 14:58

@Fatgalslim

Yeah, you're still skirting around the question a bit
I was myself : Goofy, happy, social, caring etc. And due to depression and underlying lack of self-esteem i've become distant, indifferent and unwilling to do anything.
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 18/11/2021 15:03

A month, well set the clock then ! She is making all the rules, when you thought that things were all ok. I wouldn't be a puppy about this, following her rules. Some people are not blameless themselves. Best to just sit down, and talk things through properly, as you have been together quite a while, instead of having a dedicated and organised time frame for an outcome.

Original poster
Adam1996 · 18/11/2021 15:05

@1forAll74

A month, well set the clock then ! She is making all the rules, when you thought that things were all ok. I wouldn't be a puppy about this, following her rules. Some people are not blameless themselves. Best to just sit down, and talk things through properly, as you have been together quite a while, instead of having a dedicated and organised time frame for an outcome.
i think i've been too strict with the time frame now that i see all the replies. She said that she just needs time and hasn't made the ultimate final decision to break up. We've been on break for 3 days now and today she told me that she missed me a bit and she missed seeing me happy as i was (which instanly pumped up my self esteem because it's the nices thing she told me since break and for me it shows that some sparks lit up in her heart)
OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 18/11/2021 15:07

Have you done anything to seek help for your depression, looked at counselling, seen your GP?

TheCourse · 18/11/2021 15:08

i was myself but for the past 3 years i've been dealing with some sort of depression that dimmed my real personality

If you were yourself, then you need a partner who will still want to be with you when you feel that way. Having a partner who only wants you around when you're happy is really unhealthy.