Big trouble in Relationships

[Adam1996]

Hi everyone, i wanted to ask an opinion and what i could do to make things better. Recently me and my partner had a massive fallout where at the end she decided that she is not sure if she still loves me but no matter what still cares about me. The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her). She decided to take a month break "to see how things will go" and she told me that this month will be crucial for her to understand what she really wants from us. We live together and taking an actual break is nearly impossible, but i want to do everything possible to show that i can be what she need and i can always be the person that i sometimes am (which is good and 100% focused on the relationship) because I love her and it's been almost 6 years that we've been together. I really don't want to lose her and i want to light the fire in her heart again and i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am. Any suggestions on how to manage this situation? And is doing anything going to help or it's just completely up to her and no matter what I do it will not affect the decision? Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Thank you

I've been in your partner's position. I needed to rethink things, I wasn't sure, I needed a break. All he did was love bombed me. It didn't helped with any of my decisions. In fact it didn't allow me to move on either direction, because after the allocated break time passed, I still felt like I didn't have any break and therefore nothing changed for me.

Make sure you ask her what she wants. Does she want an actual break, or does she want you to prove you to her? Make sure you get it right.

I did mind that i was an Ass and i told her that every time

But that thing where you repeatedly say sorry and then continue the behaviour is a complete absolution of responsibility and shows your immaturity up. You need to realise that your mental health stuff is part of you. This isn't about you sometimes being you and sometimes not being. Take responsibility: all of it was you. You treated her like crap and now she's really unsure about you. 'Don't make me regret it' shows that she has no faith in you, and that's because you blew her faith.

Can you absolutely guarantee that you'll never treat her that way again? With 100% certainty? All of that is behind you?

@TheCourse

I did mind that i was an Ass and i told her that every time

But that thing where you repeatedly say sorry and then continue the behaviour is a complete absolution of responsibility and shows your immaturity up. You need to realise that your mental health stuff is part of you. This isn't about you sometimes being you and sometimes not being. Take responsibility: all of it was you. You treated her like crap and now she's really unsure about you. 'Don't make me regret it' shows that she has no faith in you, and that's because you blew her faith.

Can you absolutely guarantee that you'll never treat her that way again? With 100% certainty? All of that is behind you?

Can you absolutely guarantee that you'll never treat her that way again? With 100% certainty? All of that is behind you? Yes i can, and also today i decided to undergo psyco visits to better understand the core of the problem.

@oreo2020

I've been in your partner's position. I needed to rethink things, I wasn't sure, I needed a break. All he did was love bombed me. It didn't helped with any of my decisions. In fact it didn't allow me to move on either direction, because after the allocated break time passed, I still felt like I didn't have any break and therefore nothing changed for me.

Make sure you ask her what she wants. Does she want an actual break, or does she want you to prove you to her? Make sure you get it right.

Your reply gives me a lot of comfort, thank you. Make sure you ask her what she wants. Does she want an actual break, or does she want you to prove you to her? Make sure you get it right. The break we are having is not a textbook break because we talk to each other normally but we avoid intimacy (kissing, cuddling etc) we just stick to the classic "i respect you as a person and i care about you but i don't want to push too much and i need to stay away from the romance etc just to understand what i actually want".

she want you to prove you to her?
she wants me to prove to her that this time i will take matters in my own hands, for my own good and for our future as a couple.

• You still haven’t answered as to what constitutes ‘being too harsh’.

• Nope, your wife is an adult. She can go for a walk if she wants and is not required to keep you apprised of her precise timetable. On top of everything else, you’re coming across as quite controlling. It is not ‘a matter of respect’ and if she occasionally forgets her keys, you guys can sort it out. It’s what the rest of us do.

• You have no idea if you have difficulty examining and reflecting upon your behaviour? Do you not consider this something you should think about?

I’ll be honest, based on the manner in which you communicate, your reluctance to actually take any action, and your apparent inability to even grasp what the issues are, it seems unlikely that you’re going to do anything substantive with this month.

Because i care for her and imo its also a matter of respect to at least say that you will be coming back at given time etc because i might not be home and she will stay locked out (it happened, she had no keys)

Presumably she’s an adult and knows either to take her keys or she might risk being locked out, which is her responsibility - not yours.

Honestly, I’ve been where your girlfriend is, it’s incredibly hard to be the person in the relationship clearly saying they’re unhappy while the other does nothing to effect long term change. Recognising your behaviours sounds hard for you, acknowledging the impact on her sounds even harder. In her shoes, I can understand that she might just not have any more to give in trying to live with you as you are.

Giving someone the silent treatment is controlling and abusive - which I know you’ll find hard to hear, but honestly it’s not ok and you writing it off as being due to your mental health is a cop out. I’d take yourself out of the relationship so you can properly work on yourself and so that she has space to think about what she wants. She’s told you she wants a break so give her one, move out, don’t contact her and let her breathe. If she wants to make that permanent I wouldn’t blame her, if she does come back you’ll be better placed for an equal, respectful relationship.

Yes i can, and also today i decided to undergo psyco visits to better understand the core of the problem

If you don't understand the cause yet, which may take some considerable time (it took me a year in counselling to get to the bottom of my shit, and for many it takes longer), how can you guarantee you won't get triggered again?

How old are you? You sound a bit like a kid promising to be 'good', rather than an adult who's mastered his emotions.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh and that can't be pleasant to read. I just don't think 'Yup, I'll never do it again, and I've even booked an appointment with a psychologist!' sounds like anything more than you bigging up your own ego in the hope that she'll do the same.

This is like pulling teeth! Honestly, if you’re this vague when you’re discussing things with her maybe she’s just exhausted.

It’s good that she says she’s missing you - and in some ways even good that she’s given you an ultimatum as it means she still cares enough to try rather than walk away.

If I were in her shoes the type of thing that might give me hope is seeing that you’re going for counselling, speaking to your GP about medication etc, you doing some reading in between sessions to help not just your own issues but your relationship issues etc.

The stonewalling needs to stop. Going quiet and taking a bit of time is one thing, but a prolonged and punitive silence is not an acceptable way to behave in a relationship. All the “hot headedness” and “being mad” about things shows a lack of communication about expectations too. You both need to learn to open up and be honest about how you’re feeling. Most issues can be ironed out with a proper conversation even if you agree to differ at the end of it. But hiding grudges and ignoring each other won’t help at all.

*Holding grudges

@TheCourse

Yes i can, and also today i decided to undergo psyco visits to better understand the core of the problem

If you don't understand the cause yet, which may take some considerable time (it took me a year in counselling to get to the bottom of my shit, and for many it takes longer), how can you guarantee you won't get triggered again?

How old are you? You sound a bit like a kid promising to be 'good', rather than an adult who's mastered his emotions.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh and that can't be pleasant to read. I just don't think 'Yup, I'll never do it again, and I've even booked an appointment with a psychologist!' sounds like anything more than you bigging up your own ego in the hope that she'll do the same.

I'm 25

All you can do is reassure her how much you love her and don't want to loose her but you need to make changes. If you are depressed then Get help from your doctor. Also maybe ask for counselling if you are struggling This will show that you are serious.

The fact that you chose to answer 'How old are you?' rather than the big question further demonstrates that you're not really dealing with this in an adult way. I'm not surprised to hear you're only 25.

This isn't a case of 'I've behaved badly but I'm going to show her what a good boy I can be!'

You need to understand that it's going to take you some time to work out what's going, and that in the meantime, you need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship. That's not 'I've booked an appointment!' That's having a probing conversation with her about what she wants and what you want, and who you are as people, and some really grounded and possibly painful honesty about whether you're compatible.

Have you instigated that with her?

@cherrypie66

All you can do is reassure her how much you love her and don't want to loose her but you need to make changes. If you are depressed then Get help from your doctor. Also maybe ask for counselling if you are struggling This will show that you are serious.

And that's what i want to do.

@TheCourse

The fact that you chose to answer 'How old are you?' rather than the big question further demonstrates that you're not really dealing with this in an adult way. I'm not surprised to hear you're only 25.

This isn't a case of 'I've behaved badly but I'm going to show her what a good boy I can be!'

You need to understand that it's going to take you some time to work out what's going, and that in the meantime, you need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship. That's not 'I've booked an appointment!' That's having a probing conversation with her about what she wants and what you want, and who you are as people, and some really grounded and possibly painful honesty about whether you're compatible.

Have you instigated that with her?

Yes we talked about compatibility and we are compatible but there is this one issue (The main subject of this Thread) that for her is really important

Yes we talked about compatibility and we are compatible but there is this one issue (The main subject of this Thread) that for her is really important

Again, you appear to have missed the import of most of @TheCourse’s comment. And what is ‘this one issue’? What is the main subject of this thread, in your opinion?

OP, do i you oh feel you understand what’s being said to you on this thread? As, from your responses, it’s really doesn’t seem like you do.

@MooncakeandAvocato

Yes we talked about compatibility and we are compatible but there is this one issue (The main subject of this Thread) that for her is really important

Again, you appear to have missed the import of most of @TheCourse’s comment. And what is ‘this one issue’? What is the main subject of this thread, in your opinion?

OP, do i you oh feel you understand what’s being said to you on this thread? As, from your responses, it’s really doesn’t seem like you do.

i've already said it before, the main issue is Me not being enough with her sentimentally when she needs me due to my own issues

i've already said it before, the main issue is Me not being enough with her sentimentally when she needs me due to my own issues

But unless you see yourself as broken (in which case you need to be on your own and spend sometime fixing whatever's up), then 'you not being enough' is who you are, and that makes the two of you incompatible. You can't say 'yes, we're compatible except this bit where we're not compatible'. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

How can you be sure you can guarantee you won't feel the same again as you felt before when you weren't what she needed? Did you make a conscious decision to feel it last time?

It all feels a bit like 'Let me prove to you who I really am', when she knows who you really are. As I asked upthread, who have you been so far, if not you?

@Adam1996 And, as we’ve all said before, once you started actually answering questions about your conduct, the vague ‘not being there for her’ crystallised into a series of toxic behaviours that you have been unwilling to address. If you want to improve this, you need to stop taking refuge in vagueness.

Again (as you ignored the question the first time), do you feel you understand what’s being said to you on this thread?

Yes i do understand

Alright. So, what do you understand us to be saying?

That I'm too vague and i don't give an actual answer but run around the subject

You are young, and you have been together for a long time. Have you considered the relationship might just have run its course?

Maybe you just aren't getting what you need from each other any more? Might be easier to just rip off the plaster and break up rather than torture yourself for a month.

Honestly? I don't think so, and i do understand wym by may have run its course

You seem to be lumping together some pretty huge issues in order to minimise how unhealthy the relationship is.

You say it's all fine except for this 'one main issue'.

But that issue is that she feels unhappy in the relationship because you are often unsupportive, unkind, selfish, self involved, angry and distant.

You can call that 'one' issue but what it really is is somebody who shouldn't be in a relationship until they learn how to manage their emotions and not take out frustration and anger on someone they claim to love.

The things you say you get angry about and don't accept her apology for are incredibly trivial things that wouldn't even register in a normal, healthy relationship - but you're conditioning her to be over apologetic and feel it's still not enough as you then don't accept the apology and / or punish her with silence.

You're in a toxic relationship and you are displaying some abusive behaviours. I think the most loving thing you could do is to break up, work on yourself in therapy and then speak to her when you're in a better headspace.

We’ve said you’ve been vague with us. I’m asking if you understand what’s been said to you with regards to your relationship and ways forward. Do you? And, if so, what is it you feel we’re saying?

This really is like pulling teeth, at this point.