Big trouble in Relationships

[Adam1996]

Hi everyone, i wanted to ask an opinion and what i could do to make things better. Recently me and my partner had a massive fallout where at the end she decided that she is not sure if she still loves me but no matter what still cares about me. The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her). She decided to take a month break "to see how things will go" and she told me that this month will be crucial for her to understand what she really wants from us. We live together and taking an actual break is nearly impossible, but i want to do everything possible to show that i can be what she need and i can always be the person that i sometimes am (which is good and 100% focused on the relationship) because I love her and it's been almost 6 years that we've been together. I really don't want to lose her and i want to light the fire in her heart again and i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am. Any suggestions on how to manage this situation? And is doing anything going to help or it's just completely up to her and no matter what I do it will not affect the decision? Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Thank you

I mean that it has maybe come to a natural end - people generally mature and change a lot during their 20's, you and your girlfriend might just not want the same things anymore.

She is saying you need to change your behaviour completely, it sounds like she is unhappy. From what I can make out you aren't meeting her emotional needs. You are unhappy, because you feel like you need to be a different person. You can only be yourself though.

I am unhappy because of my life outside of my relationship and this lack of happyness has an effect on the relationship

@Atla

I mean that it has maybe come to a natural end - people generally mature and change a lot during their 20's, you and your girlfriend might just not want the same things anymore.

She is saying you need to change your behaviour completely, it sounds like she is unhappy. From what I can make out you aren't meeting her emotional needs. You are unhappy, because you feel like you need to be a different person. You can only be yourself though.

He’s also apparently ignoring her when she speaks, constantly giving her the silent treatment, losing his temper with her over minuscule things and then not ‘forgiving’ her when she apologises for said things. He appears incapable of adult communication and of taking responsibility for his actions.

I feel like they should break up and he should go and do a LOT of work on himself, as the current incarnation isn’t one with which anyone should be in a relationship.

It’s like you’re reading the words, but they’re not penetrating, for some reason. I’m not sure why you posted here. You seem categorically unable to take anything onboard. It’s a bit odd.

I think the best result of all this is that this woman leaves you and moves on with her life. Then you can focus on getting therapy, learning self reflection, developing your ability to listen, engage and communicate. All the traits that are needed for a healthy relationship, with which you appear to need rather a lot of support.

You’ll both be considerably better off. I wish you both (but mostly her), the best of luck.

Christ this is like pulling teeth trying to get OP to say what he actually means. Talking in cliches and metaphors.
OP get treatment for your depression, never do silent treatment on anyone-it’s abusive and there’s no excuse for it. Go and enjoy your life, no need to be handwringing over a girlfriend at your age.
The only point of a relationship is that it’s to enhance your life and be fun.

Are you the boyfriend of the poster the other day - the one who locks himself away when he feels sad and won't talk to her? Because that sounds suspiciously like what "50% of myself" means.

My advice to you would be to do some deep thinking about how you can behave like an adult going forward, don't pester your partner, and do the vacuuming and clean the bathroom. Good luck.

@MooncakeandAvocato

It’s like you’re reading the words, but they’re not penetrating, for some reason. I’m not sure why you posted here. You seem categorically unable to take anything onboard. It’s a bit odd.

I think the best result of all this is that this woman leaves you and moves on with her life. Then you can focus on getting therapy, learning self reflection, developing your ability to listen, engage and communicate. All the traits that are needed for a healthy relationship, with which you appear to need rather a lot of support.

You’ll both be considerably better off. I wish you both (but mostly her), the best of luck.

There is no need in demonizing me thank you

@Funnylittlefloozie

Are you the boyfriend of the poster the other day - the one who locks himself away when he feels sad and won't talk to her? Because that sounds suspiciously like what "50% of myself" means.

My advice to you would be to do some deep thinking about how you can behave like an adult going forward, don't pester your partner, and do the vacuuming and clean the bathroom. Good luck.

Are you the boyfriend of the poster the other day - the one who locks himself away when he feels sad and won't talk to her? if you mean the past days, no absolutely not

I will, thank you

I am not ignoring anyone all the time; i'm speaking of specific situations when it happened. It's not like i dont speak and i dont listen to her at all, i listen but i am silent, i acknowledge but i don't know what to say

There is no need in demonizing me thank you

What part of that comment ‘demonises’ you and is not entirely factual?

I wish you both (but mostly her), the best of luck.

Ok, I didn't RTFT initially. It just sounds like a miserable situation. Relationships don't need to be this much hard work. I get that you probably don't want to hear the advice being given on this thread. It can be very hard to realise a situation is toxic when you are on the inside of it.

@Adam1996

I wish you both (but mostly her), the best of luck.

Yes, my sympathies are with your partner. I’ve said why. What part of that ‘demonises’ you? Or are you unclear on what ‘demonising’ means?

Can you acknowledge and understand this OP?

You say it's all fine except for this 'one main issue'.

But that issue is that she feels unhappy in the relationship because you are often unsupportive, unkind, selfish, self involved, angry and distant.

You can call that 'one' issue but what it really is is somebody who shouldn't be in a relationship until they learn how to manage their emotions and not take out frustration and anger on someone they claim to love.

The things you say you get angry about and don't accept her apology for are incredibly trivial things that wouldn't even register in a normal, healthy relationship - but you're conditioning her to be over apologetic and feel it's still not enough as you then don't accept the apology and / or punish her with silence.

I'm unsure whether you're unable to understand or unwilling to do so?

They did change and she knows it too, it was fine for a few weeks then another fall, and again it was fine, and EVERY time there was a fall, i did not feel well with myself

It wasn't "fine" though, was it?
Those "fine" periods were just times spent waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You say you "did not feel well with myself" as if that is some kind of mitigation. It isn't. Beating yourself up after the event - instead of simply choosing not to make the event happen - is useless.
It's also following the classic pattern of the abuse cycle, whether you are aware of this or not.
He says sorry, there is a period of idealised calm, then he forgets/starts to devalue & hey presto! - a "fall" (what disingenuous language to use ... what are you covering up here?) - he behaves horribly, & then ... oh! he's SORRY. Again.

When you say you did not feel well within yourself for these "falls" ... you do realise you have spoken not one word about how your g/f must have been feeling, no?
Do you think that might be the root of your problem?