Big trouble in Relationships

[Adam1996]

Hi everyone, i wanted to ask an opinion and what i could do to make things better. Recently me and my partner had a massive fallout where at the end she decided that she is not sure if she still loves me but no matter what still cares about me. The main issue was my not 100% input into the relationship (i was there for her but i had constant periods of time where i locked in myself and was not too good to her). She decided to take a month break "to see how things will go" and she told me that this month will be crucial for her to understand what she really wants from us. We live together and taking an actual break is nearly impossible, but i want to do everything possible to show that i can be what she need and i can always be the person that i sometimes am (which is good and 100% focused on the relationship) because I love her and it's been almost 6 years that we've been together. I really don't want to lose her and i want to light the fire in her heart again and i have a month of time to prove it and to show who i really am. Any suggestions on how to manage this situation? And is doing anything going to help or it's just completely up to her and no matter what I do it will not affect the decision? Because I see this month as last chance and her words were, "you have a month, don't make me regret it".

Thank you

Are you getting treatment for your depression, therapy to help you deal with low self esteem? If not, none of the changes you make will last beyond the month - if who you really are is hampered by untreated mental health problems.

In saying that, no one can give 100% all of the time, that’s just not possible but keeping connected to her while you deal with your issues is, but that’s much more than can be achieved in a month. I’d also suggest any change needs to be for your own sake, not to appease her or keep her in a relationship otherwise you’re setting yourself up for insecurity and resentment down the line.

Maybe think, with or without her, who do you want to be for yourself and work on that. She’ll decide to stay or go and you have no control over that, but being happy in yourself gives you the best chance of being a good partner to anyone, not just her.

@FionnulaTheCooler

Have you done anything to seek help for your depression, looked at counselling, seen your GP?

i always blamed it on Work/Financial Instability so i did not, but i am seriously thinking about it because it's affecting me on a phisical level too

@IknowwhatIneed

Are you getting treatment for your depression, therapy to help you deal with low self esteem? If not, none of the changes you make will last beyond the month - if who you really are is hampered by untreated mental health problems.

In saying that, no one can give 100% all of the time, that’s just not possible but keeping connected to her while you deal with your issues is, but that’s much more than can be achieved in a month. I’d also suggest any change needs to be for your own sake, not to appease her or keep her in a relationship otherwise you’re setting yourself up for insecurity and resentment down the line.

Maybe think, with or without her, who do you want to be for yourself and work on that. She’ll decide to stay or go and you have no control over that, but being happy in yourself gives you the best chance of being a good partner to anyone, not just her.

Honestly? I never looked for help but i always wanted to. And knowing that 70% of fault is on my side, i want to work on MYSELF to be better for her as she has always given me everything, and she is the victim of my depression, as i am

You’re still not giving straightforward answers as to what, specifically, you’ve done or not done. Not generalised, ‘I became distant’. What exactly is it that you’ve done or not done that she’s stated she had an issue with? Can you give us an example? An incident? A series of incidents?

@MooncakeandAvocato

You’re still not giving straightforward answers as to what, specifically, you’ve done or not done. Not generalised, ‘I became distant’. What exactly is it that you’ve done or not done that she’s stated she had an issue with? Can you give us an example? An incident? A series of incidents?

hmm series of incidents you say. It's hard to speificy but if i think about it, it was a matter of "ignoring her" "looking for any reason to complain" "being hot headed all the time" "not letting go when she apologized for something minor she did (where i had the tendency to tie that thing to my finger and be mad for days while she was suffering that i was mad at her) and then i snapped out of all of this and everything was fine. So i'm starting to think, as another user stated, that i need treatment for mental health

Several people I've known have had therapy and/or medication and that has really helped.

It also shows your partner that you're serious about wanting to change.

It does take time, but that is not a reason to put it off.

In a relationship if something isn't working the party it's not working for needs to actually verbalize what the problem is. Vague comments like "You should know what I need" or "You just need to change/do better" are bullshit. Often they are just a way to make someone bend over backwards to give the other person their own way as opposed to compromising or the usual healthy 'give and take' in a relationship.

Also, any change you make has to be made for you, not for her. If you have been dealing with depression or 'dark times' then you need to seek appropriate help because you want to live your best life, not so she can live hers. The 'best you' will find the 'best person' to share your life. It may be her, it may not be. But you won't know that until you deal with whatever it is that is causing your depression.

i want to work on MYSELF to be better for her as she has always given me everything, and she is the victim of my depression, as i am

Work on yourself to be better for you - in doing so you’ll automatically be better for anyone else in your life.

I think it’s interesting that you’re having so much difficulty specifying what she is reacting to. Not sure if anyone can give you useful advice because the situation is still so very vague.

Can you give a situation in which she felt you were ignoring her? What sort of things does she feel you complain about unduly? What does being ‘hot headed’ entail? What sort of thing does she do and apologise for, which you have difficulty letting go? How do you behave when you are ‘mad at her’? How does it manifest itself?

@MooncakeandAvocato

I think it’s interesting that you’re having so much difficulty specifying what she is reacting to. Not sure if anyone can give you useful advice because the situation is still so very vague.

Can you give a situation in which she felt you were ignoring her? What sort of things does she feel you complain about unduly? What does being ‘hot headed’ entail? What sort of thing does she do and apologise for, which you have difficulty letting go? How do you behave when you are ‘mad at her’? How does it manifest itself?

Can you give a situation in which she felt you were ignoring her?

• When she was feeling down because something happened at work and she was anxious about it, she wanted my support but i was too focused on myself

What does being ‘hot headed’ entail?

• That i get mad at stupid things such as her being slightly late for the bus

What sort of thing does she do and apologise for, which you have difficulty letting go?

• Small things like (sorry for being late etc etc or sorry for not telling you when i'll come back home from a walk)

How do you behave when you are ‘mad at her’?

• I avoid talking to her and i'm constantly mad

How does it manifest itself? Not quite clear question

@AcrossthePond55

In a relationship if something isn't working the party it's not working for needs to actually verbalize what the problem is. Vague comments like "You should know what I need" or "You just need to change/do better" are bullshit. Often they are just a way to make someone bend over backwards to give the other person their own way as opposed to compromising or the usual healthy 'give and take' in a relationship.

Also, any change you make has to be made for you, not for her. If you have been dealing with depression or 'dark times' then you need to seek appropriate help because you want to live your best life, not so she can live hers. The 'best you' will find the 'best person' to share your life. It may be her, it may not be. But you won't know that until you deal with whatever it is that is causing your depression.

The main reason is to show myself that i can do it and subsquently showing her that i can hold onto my real self

I’m asking what you actually DO, OP. Please see my responses below in bold.

Can you give a situation in which she felt you were ignoring her?

• When she was feeling down because something happened at work and she was anxious about it, she wanted my support but i was too focused on myself

Yes, but what did you actually DO? Did you walk away? Not respond when she spoke to you?

What does being ‘hot headed’ entail?

• That i get mad at stupid things such as her being slightly late for the bus

Yes, but what did you actually DO? Do you yell?Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment?

What sort of thing does she do and apologise for, which you have difficulty letting go?

• Small things like (sorry for being late etc etc or sorry for not telling you when i'll come back home from a walk)

Why does she need to tell you when she’s coming back from a walk? What constitutes ‘etc, etc’?

How do you behave when you are ‘mad at her’?

• I avoid talking to her and i'm constantly mad

How does it manifest itself? Not quite clear question

What does ‘constantly mad’ entail? Do you yell?Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment (it sounds like you do)?

@MooncakeandAvocato

I’m asking what you actually DO, OP. Please see my responses below in bold.

Can you give a situation in which she felt you were ignoring her?

• When she was feeling down because something happened at work and she was anxious about it, she wanted my support but i was too focused on myself

Yes, but what did you actually DO? Did you walk away? Not respond when she spoke to you?

What does being ‘hot headed’ entail?

• That i get mad at stupid things such as her being slightly late for the bus

Yes, but what did you actually DO? Do you yell?Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment?

What sort of thing does she do and apologise for, which you have difficulty letting go?

• Small things like (sorry for being late etc etc or sorry for not telling you when i'll come back home from a walk)

Why does she need to tell you when she’s coming back from a walk? What constitutes ‘etc, etc’?

How do you behave when you are ‘mad at her’?

• I avoid talking to her and i'm constantly mad

How does it manifest itself? Not quite clear question

What does ‘constantly mad’ entail? Do you yell?Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment (it sounds like you do)?

Yes, but what did you actually DO? Did you walk away? Not respond when she spoke to you? I did not reply when she spoke to me aka silence Yes, but what did you actually DO? Do you yell?**Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment? Too Harsh and Silent Treatment What does ‘constantly mad’ entail? Do you yell?**Are you rude? Do you give the silent treatment (it sounds like you do)? I don't let go straight away and i give the silent treatment but then i regret doing so

Sounds like you need some time alone to sort your shit out, OP. Tell her that; demonstrate that you can live independently of the relationship, and that you want to commit to sorting out why you've been feeling in a way so detrimental to the relationship.

I can understand why your OH was unhappy. It sounds like you are suffering with your MH but have refused to do anything about it and have imstead taken it out on your OH.

Even though you knew it made her unhappy, you wouldn't do anything about it, until she threated to leave.

You really need to ask yourself why you wouldn't do anything before? Why you didn't mind making her unhappy?

I think you should talk to your GP and get any and all the help you can, for your own sake first of all. You may then, in time, be ready for a relationship again.

When our OH is ill in some way, if we love them, we support them. But if our OH is ill and refusing treatment, we shouldn't have to stick around and be made to suffer too.

So, we’ve at least established that you are ignoring her when she speaks to you and constantly giving her the silent treatment. So, I’m answer to your original question in the OP, I would suggest telling her that you recognise you’ve done these things, apologising for them and not behaving in this manner going forward.

Continuing in this vein, what is “too harsh”? What is it that you are doing that is too harsh? And, again, why does she need to tell you when she’s getting back from walks (and apologise if she doesn’t)?

Additionally, getting information about this from you has been considerably more arduous than it should be - particularly considering you came here to ask for advice. Why do you think that is? Do you think that you have difficulty examining and reflecting upon your behaviour?

When it was 100% i was there all the time and i made her happy, but during the dark times i had, i was barely there and i kept focusing on myself rather than US.

OK so you've had 6 years to get this right, but didn't manage it.

Now you think you can somehow 'prove' to her, in one month, that you can manage it.

What. exactly, will you be doing differently, in order to prove you can handle this relationship?
How hard will that be for you?
After this one month, are you going to be able to keep it up?

I suspect you & your g/f are not compatible.
She wants a b/f who gives 100%, as she does. You are unable - or have been, for 6 years, unable - to provide that.

I'm also a bit wary of this whole "month to prove yourself" schtick. Your g/f is either letting you down gently, or reluctant to let go after 6 years 'investment' (google sunk costs fallacy), or is manipulating you. Only you know which of these applies.
Has she ever threatened to end the relationship previously?

The main reason is to show myself that i can do it and subsquently showing her that i can hold onto my real self

FTFY

You need to become mentally healthy for yourself because then you will be able to decide who in your life is really contributing to your wellbeing, and who is not. To do it with any idea of 'showing' another person may cause you to focus on the wrong things or pursue a path that is not who your 'true self' really is, but who you think someone else wants you to be.

So you do it for yourself, period. Without any regard for any other person. IF she (or anyone else in your 'world') sees it, fine. But it should NOT be any part of your motivation in any way. And in finding your best self, you need to be open to all possibilities, even that she is not 'healthy' for you.

@ChargingBuck

When it was 100% i was there all the time and i made her happy, but during the dark times i had, i was barely there and i kept focusing on myself rather than US.

OK so you've had 6 years to get this right, but didn't manage it.

Now you think you can somehow 'prove' to her, in one month, that you can manage it.

What. exactly, will you be doing differently, in order to prove you can handle this relationship?
How hard will that be for you?
After this one month, are you going to be able to keep it up?

I suspect you & your g/f are not compatible.
She wants a b/f who gives 100%, as she does. You are unable - or have been, for 6 years, unable - to provide that.

I'm also a bit wary of this whole "month to prove yourself" schtick. Your g/f is either letting you down gently, or reluctant to let go after 6 years 'investment' (google sunk costs fallacy), or is manipulating you. Only you know which of these applies.
Has she ever threatened to end the relationship previously?

OK so you've had 6 years to get this right, but didn't manage it.

• The issues started not at the beginning, everything was fine till the last 3 years when i had up and downs What. exactly, will you be doing differently, in order to prove you can handle this relationship?

• That i acknowledged the problem and i want to work on it and work on it in a way i never did (MH teraphy)

She wants a b/f who gives 100%, as she does. You are unable - or have been, for 6 years, unable - to provide that.

• The issue came up in the recent years, not since the beginning, as something in my life triggered it.

Has she ever threatened to end the relationship previously?
No, we always found a way out and this time she is unsure if she wants to try again (like she is battling heart and head)

hmm series of incidents you say. It's hard to speificy but if i think about it, it was a matter of "ignoring her" "looking for any reason to complain" "being hot headed all the time" "not letting go when she apologized for something minor she did (where i had the tendency to tie that thing to my finger and be mad for days while she was suffering that i was mad at her) and then i snapped out of all of this and everything was fine. So i'm starting to think, as another user stated, that i need treatment for mental health

These things aren't mental health issues, they are behaviour issues.

Your depression needs to be addressed separately. You have used it as your Get Out Of Jail Free card for too long, without doing a single thing about it expect take your moods out on your g/f.

Three days into this "month", you still haven't done anything about it.
Why is that?
You've written reams about what you want, but haven't taken any action that is different to what you've done or not done in the past 6 years.
All it takes is one phone call to your GP & you will be on the road to a diagnosis (if you actually are depressed) & treatment.

People don't stonewall, complain, pick fights, or refuse to apologise because of depression. They do it because they think they have the upper hand, & can get away with it.

Maybe have a long think about how many years you have been giving your g/f a hard time, & why you are only now thinking about improving your behaviour because you risk losing her. Then improve your behaviour by finding a proper therapist who has a lot of experience handling self-justifying bullshit, & seriously get to work on the reasons underlying your less admirable behaviours.
You will be a happier man for it, eventually.

@AcrossthePond55

The main reason is to show myself that i can do it and subsquently showing her that i can hold onto my real self

FTFY

You need to become mentally healthy for yourself because then you will be able to decide who in your life is really contributing to your wellbeing, and who is not. To do it with any idea of 'showing' another person may cause you to focus on the wrong things or pursue a path that is not who your 'true self' really is, but who you think someone else wants you to be.

So you do it for yourself, period. Without any regard for any other person. IF she (or anyone else in your 'world') sees it, fine. But it should NOT be any part of your motivation in any way. And in finding your best self, you need to be open to all possibilities, even that she is not 'healthy' for you.

It is something that i do for myself because i know i have this issue but i never realized the size of this issue till now

@layladomino

I can understand why your OH was unhappy. It sounds like you are suffering with your MH but have refused to do anything about it and have imstead taken it out on your OH.

Even though you knew it made her unhappy, you wouldn't do anything about it, until she threated to leave.

You really need to ask yourself why you wouldn't do anything before? Why you didn't mind making her unhappy?

I think you should talk to your GP and get any and all the help you can, for your own sake first of all. You may then, in time, be ready for a relationship again.

When our OH is ill in some way, if we love them, we support them. But if our OH is ill and refusing treatment, we shouldn't have to stick around and be made to suffer too.

I did mind that i was an Ass and i told her that every time.

I did mind that i was an Ass and i told her that every time.

You're just not getting it, are you?

You said you were an ass.
You said you minded.

Then you went right ahead & behaved like an ass, again. And again.

What value or comfort are your words to your g/f, when your behaviours don't change?

@MooncakeandAvocato

So, we’ve at least established that you are ignoring her when she speaks to you and constantly giving her the silent treatment. So, I’m answer to your original question in the OP, I would suggest telling her that you recognise you’ve done these things, apologising for them and not behaving in this manner going forward.

Continuing in this vein, what is “too harsh”? What is it that you are doing that is too harsh? And, again, why does she need to tell you when she’s getting back from walks (and apologise if she doesn’t)?

Additionally, getting information about this from you has been considerably more arduous than it should be - particularly considering you came here to ask for advice. Why do you think that is? Do you think that you have difficulty examining and reflecting upon your behaviour?

And, again, why does she need to tell you when she’s getting back from walks (and apologise if she doesn’t)? Because i care for her and imo its also a matter of respect to at least say that you will be coming back at given time etc because i might not be home and she will stay locked out (it happened, she had no keys) Why do you think that is? Do you think that you have difficulty examining and reflecting upon your behaviour? honestly, i have no idea

@ChargingBuck

I did mind that i was an Ass and i told her that every time.

You're just not getting it, are you?

You said you were an ass.
You said you minded.

Then you went right ahead & behaved like an ass, again. And again.

What value or comfort are your words to your g/f, when your behaviours don't change?

They did change and she knows it too, it was fine for a few weeks then another fall, and again it was fine, and EVERY time there was a fall, i did not feel well with myself