Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

I changed mine. We both wanted the same surname as DD (I was pregnant when we got married), and neither of us like double barrelled.
One of DH’s friends changed his name on marriage and it’s not something DH is opposed to generally, however my surname was essentially DH’s first name (so he’d have been Andrew Andrews for example). I wouldn’t have changed my name to his if it had been similar, which is possible as my first name is sometimes a surname, so I didn’t expect him to change his.
I could have kept my name and given it to DD, but it didn’t matter to me enough to overrule something that did matter to DH (him having the same surname as DD). I know plenty of people have different surnames to their children, I don’t think that’s wrong, it’s just not what either of us wanted.

@ADreadedSunnyDay

Nope - I didn't change my name. I think it is an outdated practice - still get passive aggressive correspondence addressed to Mrs Husband's Surname from MIL though even after 15 years of being married. DC have husband's surname because double-barrelled sounded stupid.

Was there a reason DC got his instead of yours? I hope that doesn’t sound judgmental, I’m genuinely just curious!

@Noooooogsh

Why is the husbands name always the most straightforward/nicest/obvious choice on these threads

I know - I always wonder if the brothers of these women with terrible names change their names to their wives'?

I changed mine my husband has a gorgeous surname I absolutely love it . I would have taken his name whatever it was though as I like being Mrs his name , I know a few who kept their name though and did the 2 surnames for their children but you may find that quite often 1 of those names get dropped my niece uses only 1 of her 2

@Noooooogsh

Why is the husbands name always the most straightforward/nicest/obvious choice on these threads

I do sometimes wonder that. We all have the right to our choices, but I suppose we can’t pretend those choices exist in a vacuum.

No, and I don’t know anyone my age who has. It seems quite retro to me.

I changed. Tbh I didn't have strong feeling either way and I guess I am fairly traditional (hate being called Ms for instance).

I changed mine and moved my maiden name to be a middle name. DC will have it as a middle name too, and DH is considering adding it to his by deed poll. We often refer to ourselves at the 'Smith Carters' even though we are technically just the 'Carters'. Not real names. I do like that we have the same last name but I wouldn't say I feel like a 'Carter' yet. Married 2 years, together 10.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm Christ, yes. I’ve been a Ms since I was about seven and my dad told me that I wasn’t a Miss ‘because my romantic availability isn’t anyone else’s business’.

He’s an interesting man, my Dad.

I didn’t change my name; didn’t really consider doing it. Dh didn’t mind either way if I wanted to change it or not.

If we do have children which is still a big if then they’ll have my name

Also still a Ms

@MooncakeandAvocato my mum (who is a Mrs herself) said the same to me and I’ve always been a Ms. I remember going to a bank when I was 20, lady at the desk said “assume your title is Miss?” and I said no, Ms and she told me I was very young to be divorced 🤨

Kept my name, didn't really occur to me to do otherwise. Would have liked to double barrel the kids but it really doesn't work so they have first names from my culture, my surname as a middle name and my DH's surname

No
Never thought about it
Never discussed
Husband didn't care
Neither family cared
No friends cared

Wasn't the convention 25 years ago but I think things have gone backwards for women in this respect

@Shoxfordian I think, if we weren’t double barrelling, I’d want DC to have my name. I’m the one who will be carrying them around in me for nine months and then shooting watermelons through my keyhole, so I think I should get in on the naming action. However, our last names work really well together, so they get both.

I think it’s interesting how many women appear to have kept their birth name, but given DC their partner’s last name. Super interested in their reasons, as it’s not something I’d ever consider.

I changed mine as no one could spell my maiden name.

I kept mine and our 2 DC have my surname.

I have never been married and my children have a double barrelled combination of mine and their fathers surname
I am now engaged but have advised my fiance that I will be keeping my name (why wouldn't I) he is not that happy and keeps trying to change my mind. He has joked that he will change his to mine but for me that is my Dads name so seems odd to me and once again why would he do that
It is just one of the reasons why we are still engaged after 6 years (and not married even though I know he is the one for me

Yeah that’s my reasoning too- if I’m doing all the work then I’ll have the name

Still get a few Christmas cards to Mr&Mrs Dh name- looking forward to those

I don’t know why women give their babies the man’s name especially when he hasn’t proposed or even offered his name to them!

@Inmypjsagain I had that! Lots of very bemused adults got lectured as to the nature of ‘Ms’ by a very cross, very small me. I imagine I was an extremely annoying child.

@Hardbackwriter

That’s my reason but each to their own. People can be so judgemental on this issue. I don’t think it’s a big deal what people choose.

I don't think it's a big deal but I do think it's ridiculous that people insist that everyone just makes their own decision on this and that that just somehow magically ends up with a situation where 90% of women change their name and only a tiny handful of men do. Clearly everyone isn't just making their own choice in a vacuum.

Agreed. If you “all want the same name as a family” the kids and husband can take her name, can’t they? Interesting that in the vast majority of cases this doesn’t happen.

I’m not married but of my married friends, none have changed their name. One couple each kept their own name and then chose another surname they liked and added that, and their child has this new surname. So e.g. the surname they chose is Long (it isn’t) they are Ms Cook Long and Mr Smith Long and their kid is Barney Long. A bit complicated but I like it. Another friend just got engaged, I asked her if she planned to change her name and she said “god no, fuck that!” It isn’t a choice made in a vacuum no matter how you spin it. I’d never change mine but any future spouse is welcome to my name if they’re bothered about having the same one.

I only changed it when we had a baby. I had plenty of shocked older relatives and the odd comment from his side about why aren't you taking his name/he must be so offended (he's not). I just ignored it all.

I didn't take it because I couldn't bothered with changing everything, plus I'd had 32 yrs with my surname!

@Noooooogsh

Why is the husbands name always the most straightforward/nicest/obvious choice on these threads

Sometimes it's easier to justify it the tradition that way but sometimes the husbands surname genuinely is a better fit. I know plenty of gay couples who have picked one surname over the other. DH's friend took his wife's name after years of people in the UK misspelling, incorrectly pronouncing and being generally negative about his Polish surname.

I kept my name when I got married. Its my name and my identity and I wanted to. My husband offered to change his name to mine but ultimately kept his own for similar reasons. Our children have his surname as its a slightly nicer name and 'goes with ' other names better.
I haven't ever regretted my decision and I don't in any way feel like less of a family for having a different surname to my children. I have had a few very negative reactions, but I find this is an excellent way of weeding out people I don't want in my life anyway.

I never really wanted my baby to have my name, as much as I like it for me, it’s easy to get teased for (easily turned into a sexual term)- I wouldnt want my kid to be an easy target because people can be mean. Also we really liked a first name and second name, with my surname it’d have spelled a word and with my husbands in random letters.

Another consideration is that my husband’s surname is quite generic and mine is more unique- if you googled my husband you’d get 100000 hits because it’s a common name whereas mine isn’t- I wish I wasn’t easily googleable and we liked that baby’s name would get lost a bit.

Also genuinely think baby’s name suits husband’s name so much more than mine 🤷🏼‍♀️