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Original poster

WWYD? Left London because of kids - DP furious

90 replies

Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 07:36

I've just had a huge scene with my DP and need advice :( Basically, after our second child was born, London had become a huge struggle - I could hardly keep down my job or even get out of our flat with a baby and toddler. At the same time, DP decided to resign from his brilliant job, continue studying and set up his own business.

I totally panicked and persuaded DP for us to move back to our home town to be closer to our family network and to reduce costs. AT the time, it seemed to make sense and we packed together and moved.

Fastforward five years... we had another DC and I'm happy in a new part-time role which is flexible and involves potential (I make-do quite happily, to be honest and salary is great). But DP keeps blaming me for wrecking his career by moving us away from London and truly isn't doing well at all. Today we've had another huge scene where he blamed me for ruining his life as he's unhappy here and has lost all his contacts in his previous network, so can't go back to London either. To be honest, for us all to return, he would need to be in employment as his business would take time to re-establish in the new location...

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? Go back again? Has anyone moved to London with three primary school aged DCs? We still have our own place there, but no schools or anything else. I feel it's unfair that I should be blamed for his situation as we took decisions together, but we can't stay in a situation where he's so miserable. Help :(

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/11/2021 07:40

I think you need some kind of couples counselling. It isn't fair that he's blaming the consequences Md a joint decision on you. Plus he'd already decided to resign from his job and start a business.

Igneo · 15/11/2021 07:41

You took the decision together but now he’s blaming you?
I wouldn’t make any moves at all until that gets unpicked.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/11/2021 07:44

how do you manage financially?

tribpot · 15/11/2021 07:45

Right but he decided to leave his job, set up a business and start studying - did you agree to any of that in advance? I get the impression you suggested moving out of London in response to his choices - in order to save costs and have some support to enable you to bring in another income.

What's happened with his business and studying in the meantime? Has that not worked out as he planned?

Universeandeverything · 15/11/2021 07:47

Five years! From your title I assumed you meant you had just left. If he can’t return to London as he hasn’t got any contacts, what does he actually want? Can you both rationally discuss how it would work if you did return? He might see that it’s not feasible.

FindingMeno · 15/11/2021 07:51

It's not fair at all to blame you.
If you still have a base there can he use it to explore any potential to return to employment in London?
Perhaps he's suffering a case of the grass being greener.

Gliderx · 15/11/2021 08:09

I agree with poster above. Ask him what he actually wants.

If all he wants is to continually berate you for wrecking his "golden" career when your move was a joint decision, I'd tell him to sling his hook and move back. Alone. You have a set-up that seems to work, financially and practically, for you atm.

If actually he has some practical suggestions, then of course you should listen to and consider them.

A580Hojas · 15/11/2021 08:16

Does he only want to go back to London because of work or does he really think you will all be happier living there?

How has the support from family worked out and generally living near them worked out?

Many people do regret leaving London. I have friends who moved back after 25 years - after their children had left home.

How would YOU feel about it? Is it something you've hankered after or are you genuinely much happier where you live now?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/11/2021 08:18

I think your dh needs reminding that because if 'his' choices you had to move out of London. You are in a no win situation now, he blames you for moving out of London, if you move back he has no contacts, he will blame you for this, you may have to move out again as you can't afford London, your fault again. I agree with a pp who suggested counselling to thrash this out with your dh

I wouldn't move to London with 3 dc unless one, or both or you, had a really good wage

Namenic · 15/11/2021 08:19

That’s pretty unfair. Who does the bulk of all the childcare work? I bet it’s OP. And they both had another child after the move. So it’s not like there were only bad bits about moving. Would they really have decided to have a 3rd child in London?

He has to think about the future and what he wants to do going forward rather than looking back. It might be that London is a possibility now with the kids being older - but that needs to be worked out. What are the schools like? Is there enough space in the London place? Will it be hard without grandparents/relatives?

Clymene · 15/11/2021 08:19

Surely the fact that he resigned from his brilliant job and decided to set up a business and study is the reason he's not earning much?

BornIn78 · 15/11/2021 08:19

Just sounds like a convenient way for him to blame you for his ongoing unemployment and failing business tbh.

nocnoc · 15/11/2021 08:24

But he resigned? He started studying that can be done anywhere. He wrecked his own network! If he resigned then surely staying in London was an absolute NO. You can’t afford 3 kids in London? Surely. This is utter nonsense. 90% of people I know move to family after kids. Cheap childcare and babysitters. We have no family and babysitters cost £10 an hour. How does he expect to afford all of this. This is unacceptable.

CecilieRose · 15/11/2021 08:24

He wrecked his own career by selfishly quitting his job when he had two very young children to think about. I'd get rid of the manchild personally. I can't stand being blamed for things other people caused.

spotcheck · 15/11/2021 08:31

Yes, my ex husband loved to leave decision making to me and then blame me if things didn't go his way.

Just one of the reasons he's an ex

Your husband is behaving like a spoiled child.

LakeShoreD · 15/11/2021 08:32

He actively chose to leave his old job, he agreed to the move and presuming your home town is in the U.K. and not Australia there’s absolutely no good reason why he didn’t bother to keep in touch with his former contacts. It’s one thing to regret a move and feel unhappy, that I could totally understand. It’s quite another to blame your partner for decisions that you made. I would definitely ask him what he actually wants and practically how he sees that happening. However, it sounds like you have a great set up where you are and my instinct would be not to give that for him when he’s being unfair, disrespectful and failing to take any responsibility for his own life. At a minimum there would have to be relationship counselling and a sincere apology for what’s been said before I’d even consider it.

Original poster
Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 08:47

Thanks so much for your replies. @tribpot - no, I really wasn't in favour of him quitting his job to study as it threw us totally off course financially. But I supported him because I worried that he'd regret not finishing his studies. Since then, he graduated - but his business just hasn't taken off and I think partly it's because he flourishes in a larger set-up and is struggling to work alone doing everything. He was almost director level when he left his job and now, he's doing everything from chasing payments to fulfilling customer orders and has had a huge pay cut.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 08:50

@A580Hojas moving closer to family worked out during the baby years and it's convenient to be near our parents, both for them and us. In the long-term, I think London would give the kids better prospects (it's pretty rural where we live) and possibly better schools - but it's not feasible unless DP earns a stable income and I'd probably need to get a full-time job. Our existing place is too small for all of us, as it's a bachelor pad, so there's that to consider too...

OP posts:
Lorw · 15/11/2021 08:51

Crux of the matter is that his business isn’t as doing as good as he thought it would and now he is looking for someone to blame which is you, ‘cause he can’t face the fact that was a decision he made.

He made his bed he can lay in it as they say 😁

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 15/11/2021 08:52

So he hasn't maintained his network or made a success of his business and it's your fault because your initial suggestion of moving became a joint plan? He's struggling and blaming it on you when actually he took the risk of retraining, resigning and setting up alone.

He's put you in an impasse here because even if you did say 'let's move back' or 'off you go', it still wouldn't be good enough. I think some counselling would be useful here. He can't continue indefinitely huffing and puffing at you because a business risk didn't pay off. The move has been a success for you and the kids and you're a unit so he can't claim it has been an unmitigated disaster. He just needs to find a way forward.

Original poster
Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 08:53

@LakeShoreD, thanks - this is so true. I have a good set-up - partly because I'm ready to compromise and am happy not doing my dream job as long as I earn well enough and have flexible hours for the kids. Being blamed is wearing me out as I'm really doing my best.

OP posts:
CecilieRose · 15/11/2021 08:53

Not sure about better schools @Justtickingboxes. You really need to be in the right area for good state schools, and on a waiting list for years. Surely your husband would need to be on huge money for London to be comfortable, even if you also worked?

Original poster
Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 08:55

This is so useful, thank you so much for your replies. I agree, unfortunately, his business hasn't worked out and he's still earning way less than he did whilst employed.

We're now in our mid forties, so we need to act fast as I think he might find it harder to return to employment if we're older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 08:57

@CecilieRose oh dear, I have no idea how the state school system works in London either. I got the kids into a little CoE school here, so it's heavily subsidised and they're quite happy, though it's not perfect. Am so worried about leaving everything unless my DP is stable before we leave :(

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 15/11/2021 08:59

He sounds very selfish OP. You have three children and he’s behaving like a sulking teenager.

You had a huge upheaval by having to move, a decision driven by his actions. Now his plan hasn’t quite worked out as he’d hoped, it’s convenient to blame you. I’d be absolutely furious with him.

Bottom line, what do you want? What’s best for the children? I’d be laying that down. He cannot have it all his own way. He needs to grow up.