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Original poster

WWYD? Left London because of kids - DP furious

90 replies

Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 07:36

I've just had a huge scene with my DP and need advice :( Basically, after our second child was born, London had become a huge struggle - I could hardly keep down my job or even get out of our flat with a baby and toddler. At the same time, DP decided to resign from his brilliant job, continue studying and set up his own business.

I totally panicked and persuaded DP for us to move back to our home town to be closer to our family network and to reduce costs. AT the time, it seemed to make sense and we packed together and moved.

Fastforward five years... we had another DC and I'm happy in a new part-time role which is flexible and involves potential (I make-do quite happily, to be honest and salary is great). But DP keeps blaming me for wrecking his career by moving us away from London and truly isn't doing well at all. Today we've had another huge scene where he blamed me for ruining his life as he's unhappy here and has lost all his contacts in his previous network, so can't go back to London either. To be honest, for us all to return, he would need to be in employment as his business would take time to re-establish in the new location...

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? Go back again? Has anyone moved to London with three primary school aged DCs? We still have our own place there, but no schools or anything else. I feel it's unfair that I should be blamed for his situation as we took decisions together, but we can't stay in a situation where he's so miserable. Help :(

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 14:14

I certainly wouldn’t pack up again off the back of one of his whims. I’d be suggesting he tries to find employment.

RantyAunty · 15/11/2021 14:36

It sounds like you're a lot more savvy and resourceful than he is.
You took the move in stride and made the best of it.

Maybe you're meant to have the big job?

If he is serious about moving back, then it is all up to him to make those contacts and find a good job. He can stay there during the week until it is certain it's going to work out.

He does need to stop blaming you though. This is his doing.

ittakes2 · 15/11/2021 14:42

I can't tell you the number of times my very good friend's husbands have quit their safe jobs and decided to be business owners and its all gone tits up or its been a really long and tricky road to establish themselves. Setting up a business is not as easy as people think and very few people have the right personality for it. My friends have all initially been very supportive but after a few years of little progress its put terrible strain on their marriages.
Having done a business degree - a sensible business owner would have done a business plan before establishing a business and would have identified the issue with contacts before he moved. You don't set up a fast food chicken outlet in a neighbourhood of mostly vegans - if being close to contacts was essential for his business plan he could have used that as an argument for not moving in the first place. So my thought is I am sorry he doesn't have the acumen to be a business owner, because he has made a very basic and obvious mistake and its all gone belly up because of skills he needs and is missing rather than it being your fault at all.
Basic business - find something people need or want and check out whether its deliverable and sustainable and you can make enough money from what they are prepared to pay for those services and/or goods. Some people do it the other way around - I have something to sell/offer to people and that's the premise of their business but unfortunately its putting the cart before the horse.
I am sorry you are going through this. Its likely he realises owning a business is not his skill set and he is more angry and embarrassed with himself and projecting that on you.

Embracelife · 15/11/2021 14:45

Beware of grass is greener moves.
Let dh go to London Mon to Fri to establish himself. He can stay in tge flat or spare room.com Mon to Friday let
Then when he is earning ££££££ you can discuss relocation or not
Dont move to follow his whims

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/11/2021 15:06

I’m not quite sure whether staying in London would have cost you as much as you already own property. However you agreed to him starting a business, he agreed to moving, so it’s by the by.

Before thinking about whether you should move back you should first settle the issue of your DH failed business (which is the cause of all this).

He should either get a remote job - or move back to London himself, Mon-Fri.
Once he’s established you can make a decision.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/11/2021 15:09

Also to add idk why majority of posters are blaming him. Studying + new business with young children wasn’t a good idea but neither was moving to a rural place where there’s be fewer opportunities for him if his business failed. Or if contacts are important. His blaming you completely is bad but neither is the majority of it his.

NuffSaidSam · 15/11/2021 15:14

Is there a compromise to be made? Could you move to another city or a London commuter town and both be happy?

If not, if he has to be London then I would want him to get a job, stay in London during the week is necessary and get established first. Sell the flat, buy a house etc. Then move everyone else down.

If he isn't happy with his life though it's quite possibly not just location related. You might find you uproot everyone and move and he's just as miserable in London as he is now. Maybe it's more of an internal struggle. Has he sought any help for how he's feeling?

Loudestcat14 · 15/11/2021 15:43

CecilieRose It's true you need to be in the right area for good state schools but waiting lists? Not in my experience. You're either in the catchment or you aren't.

OP, the only way you can do the move back is if your DH can get a full-time job. Is he prepared to wind down his business to do that? Has he put feelers out with those old contacts? I mean, lots of companies are allowing WFH set-ups – would he be happy staying where you are but working as an employee with a London-based company? What's he prepared to do to make the move back?

CheeseCheesePls · 15/11/2021 17:13

I'm a bit like you in that we also left London for family support and greener calmer lifestyle.
My dh is a selfish blamer like yours, and sometimes attempts blame me for example earning less and having less choice career wise.
But in reality we have a bigger house, nice village school kids go to, family within walking distance and a lot of outdoor activities to choose from. I would not move back if you paid me!
Funnily enough dh is currently in London and is complaining how dirty and rough it is around where we used to live. I feel like shouting I KNOW!!
London is stressful, and the commute is horrendous for most people regardless what zone you're on. All my friends I had babies at the same time have left. It's more boring outside London, but boring us good when youre bringing up a family IMHO..

RobertsRadio · 15/11/2021 17:14

So just after you gave birth to your second child your DP, the main breadwinner, decided to give up his well paid "brilliant" career where he was almost at director level and go back to studying, riiiiight.

What a brilliant decision that was.. Did he not understand that waiting until you have two young DC to provide for is really not the best time to give up a well paid, secure job to go back to school? The time to finish his degree was before he had DC, or combine it with his full time job.

He needs to swallow his pride and try to get back into his old career or find another job that pays a decent salary, but he needs to do this himself, just sitting on his arse whining and blaming you for the reckless and fiscally bad decision he made, is not fair to you and would be a huge turn-off for me. Time for him to own his mistake, be an adult and sort his career out.

Werehamster · 16/11/2021 06:04

@TractorAndHeadphones

Also to add idk why majority of posters are blaming him. Studying + new business with young children wasn’t a good idea but neither was moving to a rural place where there’s be fewer opportunities for him if his business failed. Or if contacts are important. His blaming you completely is bad but neither is the majority of it his.
But, he must have agreed to the move or they wouldn't have done it.

If he didn't think moving to the countryside was a good idea, he could have said so at the time.

It's not fair to agree to the move, move, then blame the OP for it being her idea.

MrsJackWhicher · 16/11/2021 06:26

@spotcheck

Yes, my ex husband loved to leave decision making to me and then blame me if things didn't go his way.

Just one of the reasons he's an ex

Your husband is behaving like a spoiled child.

Same here! Looking for a scapegoat because of his sense of failure. No reason at all to lose a network of contacts (other than laziness) now that everything is online -he could easily re-establish contact.
PermanentTemporary · 16/11/2021 06:40

Lots of good comments here but just a huge yy to the number of people who think running a business will be great because they'll be able to do their job without the annoying bits like other people in the office or being hassled for billing. But instead they find that it's incredibly hard work, bleak, they spend most of their time buying stationery, in the post office queue or chasing payment from clients they can't afford to piss off.

It's OK to hate being your own boss, it's not for everyone, in fact it's for hardly anyone. It's not OK to blame you for 'panicking'. You didn't panic, you made a plan and you're earning money.

Can you go full time? Is most of this actually worry about money?

Nandocushion · 16/11/2021 06:57

OP you say you "totally panicked and persuaded DP to move". Did you actually need to move, were you about to lose your home/ couldn't pay the mortgage etc? Or would you have been able to stay, be a bit cramped while he built his business in the city where his contacts were, then move to a larger/more suitable place in London in time?

I'm just wondering if this move that you had to persuade him to make was actually the reason his business hasn't succeeded, and if he had to be persuaded by you to make the move because he was worried this would happen all along.

None of which is to say the blame game is okay. But I'm wondering what his side of things would be.

Whydidimarryhim · 16/11/2021 08:13

I’m thinking what’s done is done - we can only learn from our mistakes. Blaming isn’t going to sort it.
If he can take the blame out of it can you have a sensible conversation of your ways forward - brain storm - see what comes up.
Good luck

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/11/2021 10:22

@Nandocushion

OP you say you "totally panicked and persuaded DP to move". Did you actually need to move, were you about to lose your home/ couldn't pay the mortgage etc? Or would you have been able to stay, be a bit cramped while he built his business in the city where his contacts were, then move to a larger/more suitable place in London in time?

I'm just wondering if this move that you had to persuade him to make was actually the reason his business hasn't succeeded, and if he had to be persuaded by you to make the move because he was worried this would happen all along.

None of which is to say the blame game is okay. But I'm wondering what his side of things would be.

This. What’s done is done and neither of you are completely blameless. But blame is useless now
Itsnotdeep · 16/11/2021 11:44

My ex also did this! In fact he made the decision to move out of London because he wanted a bigger house and was worried about crime etc, and then once we were out re-wrote history and told me it was my decision because he didn't like working out of London.

In fact I did move back, but alone (with the children). And don't regret moving back at all. But for me my job was always in London (I was commuting), and my sector is mostly in London, so it makes sense to be here.

My ex also works in London.

Pinkdelight3 · 16/11/2021 12:32

He needs to own his own agency in all of this and not be blaming you. Even if you instigated the move from London - which is how you frame it, but no doubt he must have agreed or it wouldn't have happened - he's still participated in every decision since then, including having a third DC which would not have been on the cards if there was any argument from him that the strategy was to get back to his career in London. He's gone along with everything at least 50-50 and so can't be furious with you about it now. He can be angry with himself and regret his decisions, and he can also be having the usual crisis of being a parent in his 40s and longing for lost youth/potential, but that's a different thing and not very useful in moving forward. He needs to own what's done, draw a line and start looking at what's achievable from here, for himself and all of you.

Uprooting the family without a proper thought-through strategy is madness so don't even get into that without a ton of research and realistic approach. In a way, you having kept the old flat makes things harder as it seems more viable to go back, but it's not a family home. If the finances stack up and it makes sense to sell the flat and him to get a good job in London then buy a family home there, then that's possibly an option. But as a PP said, I don't think this is really about location. His business plan has failed, he's not happy, and he needs to address that, maybe have some career coaching and get back into a bigger organisation if that's what will make him feel more worthwhile and satisfied. That needn't be in London, and even if it is, he could do the mon-fri thing and use the flat as a pied a terre. Or perhaps if you sell the flat, that'll ease the need for him to earn more short/mid-term while he sorts his career out without moving back to London - there are so many more remote working opportunities now, or there might be public sector roles closer to where you live now.

Essentially, although he's making it your fault and your problem, it's really his internal journey that he has to dig into and sort out for himself, albeit with your support. Anything else will just be a sticking plaster.

noirchatsdeux · 16/11/2021 14:46

@Lana07 To answer your questions:

  1. Because my parents were selfish idiots who couldn't make up their minds on which country to settle in. Myself and my two brothers were told where we were going to be living, we were never asked for our opinion. Tough shit if we were upset (which we were, continuously) by the loss of friends, pets etc...
  1. No, my parents split up 32 years ago when I was 21. My father waited until my younger brother turned 18, then left my mother on her 47th birthday for OW, who he married and as far as I know, is still married to.
  1. No, my father had the nerve to drag us back to the UK and then promptly went and got himself a high paying job abroad when I was 14. For the next 7 years we barely saw him.
Lana07 · 16/11/2021 15:21

[quote noirchatsdeux]@Lana07 To answer your questions:

  1. Because my parents were selfish idiots who couldn't make up their minds on which country to settle in. Myself and my two brothers were told where we were going to be living, we were never asked for our opinion. Tough shit if we were upset (which we were, continuously) by the loss of friends, pets etc...
  1. No, my parents split up 32 years ago when I was 21. My father waited until my younger brother turned 18, then left my mother on her 47th birthday for OW, who he married and as far as I know, is still married to.
  1. No, my father had the nerve to drag us back to the UK and then promptly went and got himself a high paying job abroad when I was 14. For the next 7 years we barely saw him.[/quote]
Do you think it's important to forgive your parents and their not so thoughtful decisions?
Lana07 · 16/11/2021 15:22

For the sake of your own peace of mind

noirchatsdeux · 16/11/2021 16:00

Lana07 No. Maybe if either of them had shown the slightest hint of being sorry. But as they haven't, no.

noirchatsdeux · 16/11/2021 16:03

As for peace of mind, I established that by going total no contact with my father 32 years ago. Don't know if he's alive, don't care. I deliberately moved to the other side of the world from my mother, haven't seen her in 12 years. That gives me both peace of mind and good mental health - neither of which I had when I had to deal regularly with either of them.

Lana07 · 16/11/2021 18:59

@noirchatsdeux

As for peace of mind, I established that by going total no contact with my father 32 years ago. Don't know if he's alive, don't care. I deliberately moved to the other side of the world from my mother, haven't seen her in 12 years. That gives me both peace of mind and good mental health - neither of which I had when I had to deal regularly with either of them.
I am sorry you have no contact with your parents.

I can't imagine not speaking to our son when he is an adult.

Do your siblings speak to your mum?

Do you have contact with them?

Piggyk2 · 16/11/2021 19:06

I don't know what the best solution is OP. If you was to go back to London you now have an additional child so that's the expense x3 in London. Do your family support you now?

I think your DH has been very unfair and you need to tell him that you supported him whe he went back to study.