Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD? Left London because of kids - DP furious

90 replies

Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 07:36

I've just had a huge scene with my DP and need advice :( Basically, after our second child was born, London had become a huge struggle - I could hardly keep down my job or even get out of our flat with a baby and toddler. At the same time, DP decided to resign from his brilliant job, continue studying and set up his own business.

I totally panicked and persuaded DP for us to move back to our home town to be closer to our family network and to reduce costs. AT the time, it seemed to make sense and we packed together and moved.

Fastforward five years... we had another DC and I'm happy in a new part-time role which is flexible and involves potential (I make-do quite happily, to be honest and salary is great). But DP keeps blaming me for wrecking his career by moving us away from London and truly isn't doing well at all. Today we've had another huge scene where he blamed me for ruining his life as he's unhappy here and has lost all his contacts in his previous network, so can't go back to London either. To be honest, for us all to return, he would need to be in employment as his business would take time to re-establish in the new location...

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? Go back again? Has anyone moved to London with three primary school aged DCs? We still have our own place there, but no schools or anything else. I feel it's unfair that I should be blamed for his situation as we took decisions together, but we can't stay in a situation where he's so miserable. Help :(

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/11/2021 09:01

Do you both own the London property? are you married?

LoveComesQuickly · 15/11/2021 09:08

He sounds like an arsehole to be honest OP. He's the one who decided to resign from his job against your wishes, and now he's blaming you! Definitely don't move back to London until you've worked through this (perhaps with counselling) and he's started taking some responsibility. Otherwise you may find that you make the move, go through all the upheaval and then split up. Getting kids into good London state schools when you're applying at an unusual time will be hard, unless you find a house very close to one.

Cavagirl · 15/11/2021 09:19

I totally panicked and persuaded DP for us to move back to our home town

Is this what you think happened?

Or is this what he tells you happened?

IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2021 09:22

So you uprooted your family to make it affordable for him to quit work, study and start his own business and now it's your fault?

It's not your fault he can't make his business successful. He wants to blame you for the move rather than admit he isn't able to cut it in business.

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2021 09:46

How very convenient for him to make his failures your fault.

ChristmasPlanning · 15/11/2021 10:59

Wow! So he decided to change from a successful career to setting up a new business - huge risk- yet now it's your fault it didn't work out?

He needs a rain check on reality

Thelnebriati · 15/11/2021 11:08

I'd challenge his blaming behaviour and focus on that, while thinking about if I wanted to stay with him or not.

'Blaming' is a personality type. People who have a blaming personality don't change without an intervention, as far as they are concerned its not them that's the problem.

Lana07 · 15/11/2021 11:18

Many men like to blame as those who do like to be right ALL the time.

I wouldn't take his words personally.

Yes, I would move back to London as a family if it's better for his career there.

I would also try to carry on finding my dream job when the children are older and more independent so I can achieve my full career potential if possible too.

noirchatsdeux · 15/11/2021 11:23

My parents moved us back and forth from the UK to Australia 4 fucking times (amongst other moves around the world) during my childhood because my father was like this. Every time we'd be settled in school, making friends, having pets and doing well we'd be off again. Frankly they ruined my childhood and it's something I will never forgive either of them for.

My experience is a lot more extreme than yours but the principle is the same - you need to put your children first. Your partner needs to stop the blame game and quickly find full time employment that is nearer his previous earning level - forget his own business, it's obviously not worked. Once he's settled in a new job you may be able to consider a move to better accommodation.

If he's not willing to do any of this - I'd be separating. I wish to God my parents had when I was around about 11...even my mother now admits it would have been better for all of us if they had.

Fairylights25 · 15/11/2021 11:26

It sounds like he is blaming you for his own failures which is very unfair.

Why not suggest to him that you are happy to move closer to London, possibly a commuter market town or similar if he can secure a job back in his old industry? Potentially this could work if you are still close enough to family that you can visit them?

Looking to the future, your children will grow up and may enjoy being closer to London, they won't be small forever. Somewhere with good schools, and close to London shouldn't be hard to find.

You both need to talk and come up with a plan, because he sounds desperately unhappy where you are now, and it does not seem sustainable to stay where you are (even if he is being unreasonable about pinning the blame) he is saying loud and clear how deeply unhappy he is. I would be looking for a compromise, and taking this seriously.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/11/2021 11:27

I'd move back provided he had well paid employment and gives up the own business dream. He cannot have it all- sorry that's life, that's parenthood.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 15/11/2021 11:32

He was almost director level when he left his job and now, he's doing everything from chasing payments to fulfilling customer orders and has had a huge pay cut.

This^ is what he’s angry about- that he’s having to work harder for less pay. And he’s taking it out on you because that’s easier than accepting he didn’t think it all through before quitting his job to set up a new business.

Call him on it.

Fairylights25 · 15/11/2021 11:32

Most families agree big decisions together. Inc moving, he was happy at the time to give it a go?
What I would be concerned about, is that you offer him the chance to go back, but for whatever reason it doesn't work out back in London, he will still blame you because it was your idea xx years ago to move out, and that has had a permanent impact on his career. Then you will be still be blamed for his failure, but with the additional load of no support, no family and having to start again.
He needs to face up to his own failures and past poor decisions. Lots of people fail when they try to run their own business, the failure rate is huge, why does he think he is different from other people? Although I would want my dh to be happy, I would want to be sure my dc were happy in the new location, and what about your job is that portable?

Can he move back to London Monday to Friday?

NellieBertram · 15/11/2021 11:34

As everyone says, he's blaming you for his failures because it's easier than blaming himself.

When he starts blaming you I'd try not to take it personally and just sympathise (don't apologise!) - "I understand how frustrating it is that your business hasn't worked out".

If you would consider moving back, that's great. Support him in finding a job that pays enough to support you all. If he asks you to help him find a suitable house and schools with places then do.
But don't take it on as your responsibility - let him do it. And don't move back unless he sorts the job, house & schools and it actually would be the right move for you and the children.

Lana07 · 15/11/2021 11:35

@noirchatsdeux

My parents moved us back and forth from the UK to Australia 4 fucking times (amongst other moves around the world) during my childhood because my father was like this. Every time we'd be settled in school, making friends, having pets and doing well we'd be off again. Frankly they ruined my childhood and it's something I will never forgive either of them for.

My experience is a lot more extreme than yours but the principle is the same - you need to put your children first. Your partner needs to stop the blame game and quickly find full time employment that is nearer his previous earning level - forget his own business, it's obviously not worked. Once he's settled in a new job you may be able to consider a move to better accommodation.

If he's not willing to do any of this - I'd be separating. I wish to God my parents had when I was around about 11...even my mother now admits it would have been better for all of us if they had.

I am sorry about your childhood experience.

Why did the move happen 4 times?

Are your parents still together after that?

Did your dad work an ok paid job after he came back to the UK from Australia?

BootsScootsAndToots · 15/11/2021 11:36

What do you want to do OP?

Personally, having left London 3 years ago, I never want to live there again.

But my time was done, we had 10 years there and we were ready. I wasn't rushed out, as it sounds like you were.

If you don't want to move, then don't. Don't give up your job, for another one of his whims.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 15/11/2021 11:39

I wouldn't go back. He made the decision to leave his job and clearly isn't prepared to make the same sort of sacrifices that you have for the benefit of your family as a whole. He sounds selfish in the extreme to me.

Lana07 · 15/11/2021 11:40

We moved back to Wales (where my husband and our son were born) from England in 2014 when our son was 7 (Year 3).

He is 14 now. We would certainly not want to disrupt his year 10 with any moves for any reason unless he finishes school in one place.

I agree friends and familiar routine can be very important for a teenager. It can be a bit easier with primary school children.

Hopefully, your move works out well for all of you.

Lana07 · 15/11/2021 11:42

We lived in England (Hertfordshire) where my husband had a job in London for 7 years 2007-2014.

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 11:53

Does he realise everyone's been working from home for the last 18 month anyway? If he's lost his contacts that's his own doing, nothing to do with location.

We are still in London but we could literally have been anywhere

Atla · 15/11/2021 11:53

It is very unfair of him to blame you, 5 years down the line. He agreed at the time.

I wouldn't be rushing to uproot yourself and the kids again if you are settled and happy.

Atla · 15/11/2021 11:54

And if he has lost his work contacts that is on him, not you!

Wotsitsits · 15/11/2021 12:44

My DH did this to me. We moved for my career. He was fine initially. 2 years later he starts bringing it up in every argument or disagreement we have. Unrelated things like leaving dirty dishes out. Telling me I was selfish and had ruined his life.

After maybe 8 months of this I finally said to him, get it all out now. This is the last time we will discuss this. If you bring it up again I'm leaving you.

Then I sat and listened while he moaned and raged. I said yes, you feel like your career fell behind. Yes you have felt lonely and unsupported. Yes we are living here now and we are not moving back to X. Yes you wonder what your life would be like if you'd stayed in X and got Y job.

Once he'd finished ranting I said and now I'm going to speak. 1. If you don't like your job you know I will always support you to get a new one. 2. You do have friends, every week you do X and Y. If you feel like you want more social time or hobby time talk to me, let's work it out. 3. You were happy to move here with me at the time. In future, when you are annoyed about something, tell me so we can fix it together. Don't ever do this to me again. Resentment kills relationships. If you let this resentment build up again over anything else ever again, our marriage will be over. Talk to me like an adult. Give me that basic respect.

It was horrible but it worked.

Next time he brought it up I said do you really want to go there? Do you want to leave me? He shut up. Never mentioned since.

Best of luck OP. Stand your ground. He's using you as an emotional punching bag and it's not on. He's an adult. Tell him so.

nocnoc · 15/11/2021 14:00

I agree with a previous poster. He’s using you as an emotional punch bag and it’s not ok. Definitely do not move. He can commute? How far is London? He can get a job and stay there during the week right? I know lots of people who do that. People live in dorset and work in London. What makes him so special that he has to have a director level job 5 mins from home? I’d say go get your job. Keep it for 6 months and then we will look at moving back. Make him make effort. You can’t solve this for him. Be wary that if you do move then if you split up he could prevent you moving back. This could be a plan so dig your heels in. Your kids are happy where they are. Don’t be bullied into moving away from your support system

Werehamster · 15/11/2021 14:08

The problem is that you can't fix this for him. He needs to sort this out for himself. But, I would be very wary of moving anywhere until he has a plan. But, I agree with the others that you need to put your foot down and tell him that he needs to stop taking this out on you as this situation isn't your fault. He took a risk with his career and it didn't pay off. That's on him, not you.