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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD? Left London because of kids - DP furious

90 replies

Justtickingboxes · 15/11/2021 07:36

I've just had a huge scene with my DP and need advice :( Basically, after our second child was born, London had become a huge struggle - I could hardly keep down my job or even get out of our flat with a baby and toddler. At the same time, DP decided to resign from his brilliant job, continue studying and set up his own business.

I totally panicked and persuaded DP for us to move back to our home town to be closer to our family network and to reduce costs. AT the time, it seemed to make sense and we packed together and moved.

Fastforward five years... we had another DC and I'm happy in a new part-time role which is flexible and involves potential (I make-do quite happily, to be honest and salary is great). But DP keeps blaming me for wrecking his career by moving us away from London and truly isn't doing well at all. Today we've had another huge scene where he blamed me for ruining his life as he's unhappy here and has lost all his contacts in his previous network, so can't go back to London either. To be honest, for us all to return, he would need to be in employment as his business would take time to re-establish in the new location...

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? Go back again? Has anyone moved to London with three primary school aged DCs? We still have our own place there, but no schools or anything else. I feel it's unfair that I should be blamed for his situation as we took decisions together, but we can't stay in a situation where he's so miserable. Help :(

OP posts:

Piggyk2 · 16/11/2021 19:11

@Embracelife

Beware of grass is greener moves. Let dh go to London Mon to Fri to establish himself. He can stay in tge flat or spare room.com Mon to Friday let Then when he is earning ££££££ you can discuss relocation or not Dont move to follow his whims

I was thinking this too. Only thing is OP needs to give a time scale in case it doesn't work out! Mean while OP isnleft with all the kids

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/11/2021 19:19

Dont go back he obviously is incapable of making good decisions. He gave up a decent job at a bad time for you hoping to set up a business and it sounds to me like he will not have any success in this venture and you will end up back at square one.

Sonex · 16/11/2021 19:25

Has he never heard of Linked In?

And hardly anyone has been working in London recently anyway!

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 19:30

He has exactly what he wants.

What he wants is someone handy he can blame for his own rashness and business shortcomings.

That person is you. No matter where you go or what he turns his hand to, that person will be you. The move and the five years away from London will always be Your Fault, and that will always be the root of all his failures.

The solution is to set him free so he can pursue all of his goals, which he will undoubtedly achieve without you forcing him to make bad decisions and lose contact with people who could be useful to him.

🙂

mathanxiety · 16/11/2021 19:32

Rule Number One of business - don't burn your bridges/ always keep in touch with people you once worked with.

Postdatedpandemic · 16/11/2021 19:36

Feck has he not heard of the Internet?
I left London 20 plus years ago and still have contacts.

mangoandraspberries · 16/11/2021 19:47

From what you have said this was a joint decision, so it's very unfair for him to blame you.

As to what can be done about it now. 5 years is a long time to then get back into a old career - is it realistic? I wouldn't move my children to a new city and new schools etc unless I knew we would definitely have the means to stay there.

Can he apply for jobs remotely? There are more now than before covid? Or apply for jobs and then commute to London M-F with the intention you all move to London permanently in day 6 months if his new job is working out?

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2021 00:46

@Justtickingboxes

This is so useful, thank you so much for your replies. I agree, unfortunately, his business hasn't worked out and he's still earning way less than he did whilst employed.

We're now in our mid forties, so we need to act fast as I think he might find it harder to return to employment if we're older.

He made a crazy decision to resign.

Is there any chance he can go back to paid employment?

Wrenflutter · 17/11/2021 05:26

Knowing he had a struggling wife and two small children to support he quit his job. Says it all really. If you and your children are happy where you are, then you would be a fool to move. He's shown his own self interests are more important than his family.

gingerpassthegin · 17/11/2021 05:26

Schools: We moved in- year and you apply via local authority website for two or three options, you’re offered a place or you laces when they come up. Children with SEND or in care might bump you down the list but kids move in London all the time so they do come up. The LA has to give you a place somewhere within a certain time limit

Original poster

Justtickingboxes · 17/11/2021 05:45

Thanks so much for your comments. At least I realise that I'm shouldn't accept all this blame, though perhaps we should have thought things through better before leaving London in a rush. At the time, without his salary and with me on reduced hours because of the kids, we were at huge financial risk and London us madly expensive

I have told DH what some of you suggested: ie we can go back once he's settled and earning enough to at least cover our costs, so then I will feel safe enough to leave my own job and move up with the kids. Our London flat has a huge mortgage on it, so accommodation isn't free.

OP posts:

Summersnake · 17/11/2021 05:50

Can’t he live in the London flat ,build his business up you stay where you are ,he visits at weekend , and when he’s earning enough,he buys a house and you all move back .

ReadyforTakeOff · 17/11/2021 06:39

To live anywhere near London you need a combined salary of around £150k assuming you want to be near a good school and live in a reasonably sized house.

If you aren't anywhere near that I would forget it as the financial pressures on him will be big.

But London is fantastic it has to be said.

ChangingStates · 17/11/2021 06:51

@Summersnake

Can’t he live in the London flat ,build his business up you stay where you are ,he visits at weekend , and when he’s earning enough,he buys a house and you all move back .

Was just thinking this. Can he move back to london and commute home at weekends? You could agree to give it a year. If at the.end of that time he is either earning enough through his business or through being re-employed that you can afford to move back to London then you do and if not he comes back. Not ideal I know but you have family support to help in the week and he would be home for weekends.

Charley50 · 17/11/2021 07:02

What sort of business did he set up? And what was he doing before? I agree with others he needs to stop blaming you and come up with some solutions.
Why did he leave his great job at that stage in your life? Your life now sounds nice, can he learn to count his blessings? Are your children happy where you are?

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