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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this a red flag or is my past making me overly sensitive

91 replies

Nedclarity · 14/11/2021 15:38

I’ve been seeing someone for the past 6 months and he’s very lovely, attentive and comes across as very reliable. He does have a past of being a bit of a Jack the lad but has changed significantly over the last 6 years or so and has focussed on his work/career, not drinking to excess etc. I have had a relationship in the past with someone who was a problem drinker and let me down regularly, he’d go out for a ‘quick drink’ after work but then go awol for an entire weekend without letting me know where he was, ruining plans etc.

Now, my current boyfriend seems to have one group/one person that he hangs out with which always seems to lead to staying out later than intended. I’d say this has happened only 2-3 times in the last 6m. Last night he went out after a day of watching sports (started at 3pm), curry and had told me several times we’d get together today since he’d definitely be home by 10pm, it wasn’t going to be a ‘big night’. We don’t live together but will always text to say we’re back home after a night out. At 1.30am I woke up and noticed he hadn’t messaged me yet so I sent him one to ask if he was still out? At 2.30am came the response ‘yep going home now xx’. Today he messaged me at 1pm saying he’d just got up and was angling to meet up.

Now, I feel really let down and my warning bells are going off but I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive after being treated so badly in the past by someone with an alcohol problem. Like I said, we don’t live together and he’s free to stay out as late as he wants but my issue is with the seemingly getting carried away and drinking so much that it ruins his plans for the next day as he’s then so hungover. He knows I have no interest in hanging out with him after a big night, I find it very off putting generally in adult men who binge on a night out, he knows my history but says he’d never treat me badly. And he hasn’t. But I still feel like he’s let me down, after saying he’d be home at a decent time so that I’d want to hang out with him today. I’m aware that this sounds really juvenile but we are both early forties! I have children aged between 7-11 and really quite into this guy but I am finding myself almost hyper vigilant because I’m thinking about his potential influence on them if we take this further (he has not met the children).

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 14/11/2021 15:41

I think having a surprise night out two or three times in 6 months is completely fine tbh.

IAAP · 14/11/2021 15:42

Be wary. He could be testing the waters.

Original poster

Nedclarity · 14/11/2021 15:48

I have a hunch he’s trying really hard to act like he doesn’t drink too much so I wonder if it would have been more than 3 times in the last 6 months if he wasn’t trying so hard. I just don’t know if my spidey senses are completely off after being so hurt in my past. This has really put me off I must admit. Getting up at 1pm on a Sunday, he doesn’t have kids so he can do that I suppose but as someone with 3 kids I’m thinking what would it have been like to have children with someone like that! Not that I want more and he doesn’t want them either.

OP posts:

Universeandeverything · 14/11/2021 15:53

How does it affect your day today? What time would you be meeting and what would you be doing?

If it spoilt going out for lunch or something or if you met him and he was grumpy and hungover then I agree I wouldn’t like it. But if your plans are the same and he’s fine and he’s good company, then that’s ok.

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 16:07

Trust your gut.

3-6 months in is when the mask starts to fall and they show who they truly are.

It's unattractive for a 40 year old man to be having all night drinking sessions.

Are his friends big drinkers?

Original poster

Nedclarity · 14/11/2021 16:23

Well we were only meant to be going for a walk, since I didn’t hear from him in the morning I went out by myself as I assumed he’d be nursing a hangover. He does know I don’t want to see him if he’s hungover even if perhaps he’d manage to be fun to be with. I just find it so unattractive I’d rather do something else without him. As it is, I was waiting for him to get in touch all morning and just feel deflated since he categorically said he’d be home by 10pm so wouldn’t be hungover today.

Most of this group of friends seem to be big drinkers. He moved away from the area 6 years ago to get away from this group, I now understand why. I’d say they are drinking buddies, not ‘proper’ friends. He does have nice friends elsewhere but this group is the one that seems to trigger these binge sessions.

If he had said to me yesterday ‘I haven’t seen these mates for ages so I think it will be a big one’ then I’d have just made other plans for today and not been that bothered. It’s the fact he seems to have lost control that bothers me, and he’ll know he has disappointed me. At least I think he knows. I haven’t been in touch with him much today as a result.

OP posts:

HaggisBurger · 14/11/2021 16:32

I think your gut is right on this one. He is a binge drinker - perhaps not a massive one. But probably more than he’s letting on knowing your sensitivity around it which I fully get. The lying in bed til 1 is deeply unattractive too I think.
Another reddish flag - moving areas to get away from big drinkers? Hmmmm. Why not er … just not go out with them. Suggests he’s struggled with alcohol a little in the past and looked at circumstances rather than his own actions iyswim …

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:34

I disagree with the posters saying 2-3 times in 6 months isn't much. That's every 8 weeks.

That's a lot for big benders. It's not like a once a year blow out.

TomAllenWife · 14/11/2021 16:37

Staying out until 2.30am is hardly a bender

OP on MN you'll be told he's totally unreasonable and should only have one shandy on a Sunday otherwise he's an alchoholic

In the real world I think you were unreasonable to text him at 1.30am asking if he was still out. You've been together 6m, if this was reversed everyone would be up in arms saying he was controlling

Shit happens, even with all the best intentions. If all he's got is a hangover that ruined your walk I'd say it's a massive overreaction

NuffSaidSam · 14/11/2021 16:40

Was it a 'big bender'? Just because he was out late doesn't mean he lost control/was paralytic.

Having a boozy late night once every eight weeks is hardly a cause for concern is it?

Pascal80 · 14/11/2021 16:40

It's a real shame you have got involved with another drinker having alreadybeen subjected to it before. You know the awful truth about being involved with an alcohol abuser. Can't you find a lovely man who doesn't drink at all? (I don't mean a clean alcoholic - I mean a man who doesn't drink?) Men in their 40s drinking themselves stupid and not keeping to agreements is pathetic and ick. Chronic habitual alcohol abuse/alcholism is a a trajectory. People don't stay the same - they either go down hill or stop or die, and it is very rare that they do stop.

He has you down and your reaction is perfectly understandable. You can do much better.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:43

@NuffSaidSam

Was it a 'big bender'? Just because he was out late doesn't mean he lost control/was paralytic.

Having a boozy late night once every eight weeks is hardly a cause for concern is it?

Considering his history, the fact he moved areas to avoid these friends, went from a 10:00pm latest 'quick drink' to sleeping in until 1pm, I'd say it's a cause for concern, actually.

If he'd never had drink problems, not so much.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2021 16:43

This wouldn't work for me at all. Sounds like he's never really grown up. I'd be moving on.

Original poster

Nedclarity · 14/11/2021 16:57

When I say a ‘walk’ we usually do a long 2-hour walk on a Sunday and then might spend the evening together if nobody has other plans, so it’s not like I’ve only missed out on a walk around the block. The point is, he knew I wouldn’t want to see him after a bender, said he wouldn’t go on one but did it anyway.

As for the text in the night, we always text when we get home as a kind of ‘hope you had a nice evening, I’m home safe’ kind of thing. He had been so adamant he’d be home by 10pm so when I hadn’t heard from him by 1.30am I wanted to know he was ok, not in a ‘you should be home by now’ way. I do the same for him as I know he worries a bit about me getting home safely so it’s just a thing we happen to do.

As for the moving, you are right but quite a few of these are family members and to be fair I think we all have a group of friends who we end up drinking a bit more than we’d like with occasionally. At least I do, but nothing like the way he drinks with this lot.

He has had a drinking problem in the past, that’s the thing. As for finding someone who doesn’t drink, I could do I suppose, the father of my children barely drinks, but I’m trying to work out if I’m overreacting or my gut feeling actually is right on this one. We do enjoy a drink together and he’s not the type who just wants to keep going, he is sensible when he’s with me and it seems also with lots of other people too. Just not this group.

OP posts:

mycatisannoying · 14/11/2021 17:00

You're his partner of only 6 months, and not his mother or keeper. Sorry. But you can't keep projecting your own issues onto him. And I don't blame you one bit for having those issues, but still ...

supercali77 · 14/11/2021 17:03

Its hard to say because noone knows whether he's hiding worse proclivities which long term would be a massive no from you or whether every now and then he goes out on a late one and misjudged time. Noone can predict which it is, all you can do is say which of his behaviours doesn't work for you right now. If it is...you dont want to be with someone who drinks full stop then there's only really one solution. But if its more that you don't want a repeat of before but some nights out are fine then I guess I'd first lay down a boundary and see how that goes. Like. If you're going out with these pals till late, I'd rather not organise to meet the following day because you tend to be hungover and I'd rather just make other plans and see you another time. So the message is clear, its one or the other with you. He doesnt get both, he doesnt have the option to drop round later or to mess up your plans.

ScrollingLeaves · 14/11/2021 17:05

Proceed with great caution

eveningbubble · 14/11/2021 17:15

You don't sound compatible for the long-term. 2-3 times over 6 months is not excessive in my opinion. But as you can see from @girlmom21s comment, she thinks it is. Different people have very different attitudes to it and yours is so against it, you won't even meet him because he has a hangover. So, no, this relationship will not work.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 17:20

@eveningbubble

You don't sound compatible for the long-term. 2-3 times over 6 months is not excessive in my opinion. But as you can see from *@girlmom21s* comment, she thinks it is. Different people have very different attitudes to it and yours is so against it, you won't even meet him because he has a hangover. So, no, this relationship will not work.

Can I just say that I don't think it would be excessive if he hadn't had a previous drinking problem and physically moved house to get away from these people.

If he is going to that amount of effort he knows he shouldn't be in that situation but can't help himself. That would worry me in terms of relapsing/lack of self control.

Original poster

Nedclarity · 14/11/2021 17:25

I have never asked him to not go on a bender. He’s free to do what he likes. He also knows that I don't enjoy seeing him with the type of hangover he gets from this sort of night out, it started at 3pm and I don’t actually know what time he did get in might be 3am or 6am who knows. The issue I have is he had the option to say ‘I’m having a big night out, let’s catch up next week’ and I’d have been totally fine with that. But instead he said ‘I’m definitely not having a big one, I’ll be home by 10pm and on Sunday we’ll spend the afternoon together’.

I do believe that only those with a history of a relationship with an alcoholic can truly understand my feelings around this. It’s not as though those are the only nights he’s had out in the last 6 months, he goes out every couple of weekends and is usually sensible, but I’m worried that he’s sensible mostly because he wants to put himself in the best light in front of me. I could be wrong.

I do enjoy a drink myself so I’m not looking for someone who is teetotal but I just find certain behaviours so unattractive.

Thanks for those with helpful comments.

OP posts:

premium77 · 14/11/2021 20:23

Sometimes I go out and convince myself that I’m only going to have one drink and then I end up staying for longer and having a couple more when I’m enjoying myself. It happens.

You sound quite anal

ScrollingLeaves · 14/11/2021 20:54

Premium77
“You sound quite anal“

Not very a pleasant thing to say to the OP who has explained her fears after having been with an alcoholic.

To be hung over and to have been out till the early hours the night before, suggests more than just one drink then a couple more.

HaggisBurger · 14/11/2021 21:11

@ScrollingLeaves

Premium77 “You sound quite anal“

Not very a pleasant thing to say to the OP who has explained her fears after having been with an alcoholic.

To be hung over and to have been out till the early hours the night before, suggests more than just one drink then a couple more.

Hear hear

premium77 · 14/11/2021 21:21

@ScrollingLeaves

Premium77 “You sound quite anal“

Not very a pleasant thing to say to the OP who has explained her fears after having been with an alcoholic.

To be hung over and to have been out till the early hours the night before, suggests more than just one drink then a couple more.

If you have concerns about being someone who is prone to a drink… don’t date an ex alcoholic. Seems pretty simple to me.

premium77 · 14/11/2021 21:22

*being with someone

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