Is this a red flag or is my past making me overly sensitive

[Nedclarity]

I’ve been seeing someone for the past 6 months and he’s very lovely, attentive and comes across as very reliable. He does have a past of being a bit of a Jack the lad but has changed significantly over the last 6 years or so and has focussed on his work/career, not drinking to excess etc. I have had a relationship in the past with someone who was a problem drinker and let me down regularly, he’d go out for a ‘quick drink’ after work but then go awol for an entire weekend without letting me know where he was, ruining plans etc.

Now, my current boyfriend seems to have one group/one person that he hangs out with which always seems to lead to staying out later than intended. I’d say this has happened only 2-3 times in the last 6m. Last night he went out after a day of watching sports (started at 3pm), curry and had told me several times we’d get together today since he’d definitely be home by 10pm, it wasn’t going to be a ‘big night’. We don’t live together but will always text to say we’re back home after a night out. At 1.30am I woke up and noticed he hadn’t messaged me yet so I sent him one to ask if he was still out? At 2.30am came the response ‘yep going home now xx’. Today he messaged me at 1pm saying he’d just got up and was angling to meet up.

Now, I feel really let down and my warning bells are going off but I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive after being treated so badly in the past by someone with an alcohol problem. Like I said, we don’t live together and he’s free to stay out as late as he wants but my issue is with the seemingly getting carried away and drinking so much that it ruins his plans for the next day as he’s then so hungover. He knows I have no interest in hanging out with him after a big night, I find it very off putting generally in adult men who binge on a night out, he knows my history but says he’d never treat me badly. And he hasn’t. But I still feel like he’s let me down, after saying he’d be home at a decent time so that I’d want to hang out with him today. I’m aware that this sounds really juvenile but we are both early forties! I have children aged between 7-11 and really quite into this guy but I am finding myself almost hyper vigilant because I’m thinking about his potential influence on them if we take this further (he has not met the children).

OP I think you just have to be aware of this trait, not get too emotionally involved until you are clearer in your mind how his drinking will affect you. It may be he is on his best behaviour and gets worse, he may not. All I can say for myself is it would be a deal breaker for me, my father was an alcoholic, my youngest brother is. It does make you more aware. I am with a partner who actually drinks less than me, and neither of us has seen the other drunk, some would hate that, we would hate it the other way around. Do what's right for you.

Well, a bottle of wine is roughly 10 units. A ‘binge’ is 6 units for women and 10 units for men. Yes, in my culture that level of drinking - especially alone - is quite shocking actually.

I’m posting here for a sense check, isn’t that what people use Mumsnet for? Not sure why some people seem to be personally offended.

I will leave this thread now, but thanks everyone for your opinion. You’ve given me lots of food for thought.

Sorry that was supposed to say a binge is 8 units for men.

@Nedclarity

Well, a bottle of wine is roughly 10 units. A ‘binge’ is 6 units for women and 10 units for men. Yes, in my culture that level of drinking - especially alone - is quite shocking actually.

I’m posting here for a sense check, isn’t that what people use Mumsnet for? Not sure why some people seem to be personally offended.

I will leave this thread now, but thanks everyone for your opinion. You’ve given me lots of food for thought.

But you're not in your culture. You're in the UK. It's quite annoying when people go to another country and impose their standards on the locals, whether it's Brits abroad or foreigners here.

The fact is that for most people in the UK, the level of drinking you describe is not problematic or a red flag. Especially for people with no commitments, such as kids. You're perfectly entitled to only want to date people who have one glass of wine with dinner or two pints at the pub, but I would say it's quite unusual for someone to never have a 'big' night out with friends or the odd night at home with a bottle of wine and a takeaway. You're filtering out a lot of people.

I suspect some people feel offended due to the realisation of of how much they actually drink and like to see it as normal.

I'm also from a place that doesn't have a big drinking culture and moved to one that does. Australia. Every occasion here is an excuse to have a big piss up.

You're not wrong in your thinking or being cautious.
40 year old men going on benders is grim to me.

Like you, I'm fine with having a drink or two on an evening out but it would be ridiculous and embarrassing to get drunk and stay out all night.

All you can do is keep your eyes open with this guy.

If your past has made you sensitive to something, that doesn't mean you have to ignore or over ride the sensitivity; that's part of who you are, now. Respect that. If you now have an emotional boundary that says you can't have a relationship with somebody who behaves in this way, then respect it. Otherwise you'll be in a relationship with someone who upsets you, and you'll feel you can't say anything. That's so disrespectful of you, to yourself!

This 100% from a previous poster @TheFoundations

It doesn't matter whether other people think you're being "controlling" or "anal" (you're not), it doesn't matter what other people's level of tolerance is for binge drinking/number of nights out per month etc. All that matters is what you are comfortable with.

I think that anyone who has been in a relationship with a problem drinker ends up fundamentally changed by the experience. I had a relationship with a binge drinker which sounds a lot like your previous experience, and as a result my tolerance for excessive drinking is very low. I now find it deeply unattractive to see anyone who is no longer in their 20's drinking to excess. Looking back I remember how disrespectful he was to me and how stressful I found it all, the lies, the disappearing act, the unanswered texts/calls, the all-day hangovers, wasted weekends, followed by the minimising of the behaviour, the attempts to gaslight me into believing that I was the one with the problem, that I was some kind of uptight killjoy etc. So I think I know how to you feel about it.

I know that I could never go back to that, I could never be in a relationship with a binge drinker again. Even with someone who ‘only’ did it once every 2 months. I wouldn’t take the chance of it escalating as the relationship moved on past the early years. I’m happy to have this boundary around alcohol and no-one is going to tell me I'm "anal" or "controlling”.

I’m not judgemental about normal drinking (I enjoy a drink myself and go out often) and I can see that you aren’t either. But binge drinking is acceptable in the UK - you need only look at the responses on this thread to see how it’s minimised and normalised.

You don’t need any of us here to tell you that you don’t have to accept anything in your life that you’re not comfortable with. If on the other hand you really like him and he ticks all your other boxes and you want to be with him, then you have a tough choice to make - bearing in mind that this may just be who he is and you can't change him.

Totally agree with @sealhouse

@Nedclarity

Well, a bottle of wine is roughly 10 units. A ‘binge’ is 6 units for women and 10 units for men. Yes, in my culture that level of drinking - especially alone - is quite shocking actually.

I’m posting here for a sense check, isn’t that what people use Mumsnet for? Not sure why some people seem to be personally offended.

I will leave this thread now, but thanks everyone for your opinion. You’ve given me lots of food for thought.

I don’t think anyone is personally offended. You posted here asking for opinions and you’re getting them.

You only seem to want the ones that confirm your own.

@RantyAunty

I suspect some people feel offended due to the realisation of of how much they actually drink and like to see it as normal.

I'm also from a place that doesn't have a big drinking culture and moved to one that does. Australia. Every occasion here is an excuse to have a big piss up.

You're not wrong in your thinking or being cautious.
40 year old men going on benders is grim to me.

Like you, I'm fine with having a drink or two on an evening out but it would be ridiculous and embarrassing to get drunk and stay out all night.

All you can do is keep your eyes open with this guy.

Nope. I've lived in ten countries - am very much aware of what the norms are in each of them. I don't think my driving is excessive and the majority of people wouldn't think four glasses of wine over an entire evening was problem drinking (it's more than I drink myself but I find wine a bit sickly and can't have more than a couple of glasses).

What's 'embarrassing' about having a few drinks? I think it's embarrassing to put some age limit on having fun, as if someone who still enjoys a drink in the pub isn't a 'real' adult. It's very small minded.

How is a bottle of wine on a Saturday night shocking???

I think this will go downhill. He doesn't sounds sensible and mature to the level you need/want. Shame as sounds like you like him. Have you spoken about it? Most likely he will get defensive

I don't think you are compatible personally. You have issues from past relationships understandably but its only been 6 months,you are hardly a partnership not living together etc.
Yes he's letting you down and that would pisse off as well but come on .
You are nagging and going on at a 40 year old man about how and who he spends his time with fgs . Far too early in a relationship to think you even have the right to do that.
If it was reversed and he was going on to you like you do him how would you feel ?

He can do what he likes.
He drinks you don't like it so why stay with him.
Get rid and move on.

If you are an adult in charge of kids, then a whole bottle of wine on your own is too much I think. I'd be fairly pissed after that.
It's the equivalent of 10 pub measures of a spirit so 10 G&Ts.

@irene9

If you are an adult in charge of kids, then a whole bottle of wine on your own is too much I think. I'd be fairly pissed after that. It's the equivalent of 10 pub measures of a spirit so 10 G&Ts.

Who is saying it's OK when you're in charge of kids?

@Inthesameboatatmo

I don't think you are compatible personally. You have issues from past relationships understandably but its only been 6 months,you are hardly a partnership not living together etc. Yes he's letting you down and that would pisse off as well but come on . You are nagging and going on at a 40 year old man about how and who he spends his time with fgs . Far too early in a relationship to think you even have the right to do that. If it was reversed and he was going on to you like you do him how would you feel ?

I think this is what irritates me about it. The feeling that she has any right to be told by a grown man what time he'll be out until. The feeling that telling her it isn't going to be a late one and then changing his mind is 'breaking a promise'. It's a really entitled attitude. He's not her long-term partner or father of her kids, he's a new boyfriend of six months with his own life and friends. And she's already trying to control him and make him feel bad about staying out late, getting pissy that he's hung over (it's none of her business) and sulking about not being texted until 1pm (it's not actually that late).

If a male friend of mine told me his girlfriend of six months, who he doesn't live with, was upset with him for staying out once or twice until 2am when he'd said 10pm, I'd advise him to dump her. It's controlling, overbearing behaviour.