Is this a red flag or is my past making me overly sensitive

[Nedclarity]

I’ve been seeing someone for the past 6 months and he’s very lovely, attentive and comes across as very reliable. He does have a past of being a bit of a Jack the lad but has changed significantly over the last 6 years or so and has focussed on his work/career, not drinking to excess etc. I have had a relationship in the past with someone who was a problem drinker and let me down regularly, he’d go out for a ‘quick drink’ after work but then go awol for an entire weekend without letting me know where he was, ruining plans etc.

Now, my current boyfriend seems to have one group/one person that he hangs out with which always seems to lead to staying out later than intended. I’d say this has happened only 2-3 times in the last 6m. Last night he went out after a day of watching sports (started at 3pm), curry and had told me several times we’d get together today since he’d definitely be home by 10pm, it wasn’t going to be a ‘big night’. We don’t live together but will always text to say we’re back home after a night out. At 1.30am I woke up and noticed he hadn’t messaged me yet so I sent him one to ask if he was still out? At 2.30am came the response ‘yep going home now xx’. Today he messaged me at 1pm saying he’d just got up and was angling to meet up.

Now, I feel really let down and my warning bells are going off but I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive after being treated so badly in the past by someone with an alcohol problem. Like I said, we don’t live together and he’s free to stay out as late as he wants but my issue is with the seemingly getting carried away and drinking so much that it ruins his plans for the next day as he’s then so hungover. He knows I have no interest in hanging out with him after a big night, I find it very off putting generally in adult men who binge on a night out, he knows my history but says he’d never treat me badly. And he hasn’t. But I still feel like he’s let me down, after saying he’d be home at a decent time so that I’d want to hang out with him today. I’m aware that this sounds really juvenile but we are both early forties! I have children aged between 7-11 and really quite into this guy but I am finding myself almost hyper vigilant because I’m thinking about his potential influence on them if we take this further (he has not met the children).

I don’t want to go out with someone who is teetotal, and I don’t see why I should. I like to have a glass of wine with dinner myself

Don't write off teetotalers! Dating someone who is teetotal isn't going to stop you having a glass of wine with dinner. And it would remove any risk of them drinking too much.

I’m British, my DH drinks a bottle of wine every night and I don’t think it’s ok either. It’s not a British thing, it’s just an excuse.

@GoodnightGrandma

I’m British, my DH drinks a bottle of wine every night and I don’t think it’s ok either. It’s not a British thing, it’s just an excuse.

You don't see the difference between 'a bottle of wine every night' and two big drinking nights in six months?

No, excessive drinking isn’t a British thing. It’s a personal thing.

@GoodnightGrandma

No, excessive drinking isn’t a British thing. It’s a personal thing.

Pub culture here means that excessive drinking in a social situation is extremely normalised in a way it just isn't in most other countries.

Nobody is saying all British people drink loads or no foreigners do - it's about the culture and what is considered acceptable. It is not seen as normal in Spain to have 8+ pints in one sitting. It is very normal in Britain. The amount that's considered acceptable is far higher than almost anywhere else I can think of.

Drinking a bottle of wine every single night would be considered alcoholism even in Britain, but a big night in the pub once every 3 months definitely wouldn't be.

No he doesn’t have kids. We’ve been close for about a year but only officially together for 6 months so it’s still early days. I will have a chat with him and see what he says.

I would be feeling the exact same OP. You want to hold him accountable to what he says and it would of been much better if he was honest about it.
How are things now? Did he seem remorseful? As in does he acknowledge it was a dick move? x

If he is due to meet you the next day then he shouldn't be getting wasted. It's disrespectful.

I broke up with the last guy I was seeing because he drank too much for me. The key words being 'for me'. He doesn't have to be an alcoholic nor does it have to be a red flag for others. What matters is if its something you are comfortable with or not.

@CecilieRose I don’t know where you’ve got any of your ideas from about what I’m like or my expectations. Like I’ve said, I go out with friends, stay out later than planned sometimes, I love doing that. I also don’t expect him to live like a family man or act like his life revolves around mine, or never ever stay out later than planned. I do expect him to think about me, though. that means not making false promises. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask that he lets me know if plans change instead of just going awol and then getting in touch once he’s sobering up and feeling a bit sheepish about his behaviour.

I don’t mean to make out that British people are all alcoholics but from my point of view (and a lot of other Europeans) binge drinking is seen as quite normal here, whereas in other countries it’s not socially acceptable at all. So we’re already coming at it from two different angles.

[quote Nedclarity]@CecilieRose I don’t know where you’ve got any of your ideas from about what I’m like or my expectations. Like I’ve said, I go out with friends, stay out later than planned sometimes, I love doing that. I also don’t expect him to live like a family man or act like his life revolves around mine, or never ever stay out later than planned. I do expect him to think about me, though. that means not making false promises. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask that he lets me know if plans change instead of just going awol and then getting in touch once he’s sobering up and feeling a bit sheepish about his behaviour.

I don’t mean to make out that British people are all alcoholics but from my point of view (and a lot of other Europeans) binge drinking is seen as quite normal here, whereas in other countries it’s not socially acceptable at all. So we’re already coming at it from two different angles.[/quote]
I'm basing them on your posts! You want someone who drinks, but you think two big pub nights in six months is unacceptable. You think staying out a bit later than planned is 'making false promises'. He slept in a single time in six months and texted you a bit later than he'd intended and this is grounds for ending the whole relationship. You've chosen to live in Britain but are holding British people accountable to your Scandinavian standards.

You have very, very high expectations, is all I can say.

@mae2014 I haven’t seen him yet but will see how he feels about it. The thing is, with my ex, if he knew he’d acted like a dick he would be SO good at patching it up and making me feel like I was being silly etc.

@Pinkbonbon you’re so right, it’s got to feel right for me regardless of what others think. It’s just I don’t trust my gut instinct about this anymore because of my past experiences so hence I’m here for a sense check. Ultimately it still boils down to how it makes me feel deep down.

Some people here have called me controlling and anal. I don’t think I am those things BUT being with someone who spirals out of control with their drinking does make you those things eventually, as you start to try to manage their drinking and you get dragged further and further down into the pit of despair. It’s eye opening once you understand how universal this is for those who are in a relationship with a drunk. You’ve reminded me that I don’t want to end up there again. I don’t expect those who haven’t been there to understand. It’s a shitty place to be, I suppose this has been extremely triggering for me and I have to decide how I am going to deal with it, for my own sanity.

@Nedclarity I’m in the “listen to your gut” camp. I don’t think you’re being controlling.

But you mentioned - almost in passing - and didn’t elaborate on “he had a drink problem in the past”. Can you say more?

Bearing in mind how he described his “drink problem” (as you didn’t experience it first hand) would probably have been minimised for your benefit…That’s a red flag right on its own, surely? Any form of a problematic relationship with alcohol is not great for you perhaps?

@CecilieRose the false promise was that he wouldn’t make it a big night, but he did. He’s had plenty of big nights out, once or twice per month, but it has spiralled out of control 3 times and rightly or wrongly that is making me feel on edge. It’s not the only time he’s slept in but it’s the first time it has meant cancelling our plans for the next day. First of many, or a one off? I don’t know. I just know I don’t feel ok about it.

I don’t hold British people accountable to European standards but I am acknowledging that this is a big difference in attitudes that we have grown up with and it means that we already have different viewpoints which complicates things, even without the issues with my alcoholic ex.

It seems my expectations are higher than some. I personally am driven, successful, active etc and don’t find it terribly attractive in a 40-year-old man to drink to excess and then waste a Sunday hungover in bed feeling sorry for themselves. Especially as he has said does not WANT to act like that but ends up there anyway. If others do, that’s totally fine by me.

It doesn't sound like you're suited really.

“Nedclarity
It seems my expectations are higher than some. I personally am driven, successful, active etc and don’t find it terribly attractive in a 40-year-old man to drink to excess and then waste a Sunday hungover in bed feeling sorry for themselves. Especially as he has said does not WANT to act like that but ends up there anyway. If others do, that’s totally fine by me.“

I think you have summed up your real feelings well here, and you have too much to lose. I personally think you are right to be wary.

But if you like him a lot, you could carry on and see how things go over the next year.

[quote Nedclarity]@CecilieRose the false promise was that he wouldn’t make it a big night, but he did. He’s had plenty of big nights out, once or twice per month, but it has spiralled out of control 3 times and rightly or wrongly that is making me feel on edge. It’s not the only time he’s slept in but it’s the first time it has meant cancelling our plans for the next day. First of many, or a one off? I don’t know. I just know I don’t feel ok about it.

I don’t hold British people accountable to European standards but I am acknowledging that this is a big difference in attitudes that we have grown up with and it means that we already have different viewpoints which complicates things, even without the issues with my alcoholic ex.

It seems my expectations are higher than some. I personally am driven, successful, active etc and don’t find it terribly attractive in a 40-year-old man to drink to excess and then waste a Sunday hungover in bed feeling sorry for themselves. Especially as he has said does not WANT to act like that but ends up there anyway. If others do, that’s totally fine by me.[/quote]
Yes, and I actually find it pretty controlling and red flaggy on your side that you call staying out a bit later than intended a 'broken promise'. A woman who posted about her boyfriend being upset she'd stayed out a bit later than she'd said would be told to leave him, for her own benefit. Telling someone you plan to be back at a certain time when you don't even live together is NOT a 'promise'. You're drip feeding now by saying the big nights out are twice a month. Your initial post made it seem as if they were very rare.

I'm also driven, successful and active, but I wouldn't expect a man I'd been dating for six months never to have a big night out with his mates because we'd made a vague plan about going for a walk the next day. I'd get on with my own plans, go for a walk on my own or do something else.

It sounds like you might be underplaying how often he does this, which makes your post quite pointless. Yes, if he does it every other week, red flag. A big night twice in six months? Definitely normal by most people's standards.

“CecilieRose”
“Yes, and I actually find it pretty controlling and red flaggy on your side that you call staying out a bit later than intended a 'broken promise“

‘A bit later’ isn’t till the early hours of the next morning.

And, if not a promise, it was a commitment to spend Sunday together in a pleasant way.
These are people in the forties, and one has children. It might be different if they were students.?

Call either one of them ‘red flaggy’ - him for being a person capable of falling back into alcoholism, her for being a person who would always feel nervous and want to keep his drinking in check - it is a relationship with at least a pink flag over it.

@mycatisannoying

You're his partner of only 6 months, and not his mother or keeper. Sorry. But you can't keep projecting your own issues onto him. And I don't blame you one bit for having those issues, but still ...

I agree. You're projecting. He's a grown man in his forties with his own friends and social life. That's not unusual.

@ScrollingLeaves

“CecilieRose” “Yes, and I actually find it pretty controlling and red flaggy on your side that you call staying out a bit later than intended a 'broken promise“

‘A bit later’ isn’t till the early hours of the next morning.

And, if not a promise, it was a commitment to spend Sunday together in a pleasant way.
These are people in the forties, and one has children. It might be different if they were students.?

Call either one of them ‘red flaggy’ - him for being a person capable of falling back into alcoholism, her for being a person who would always feel nervous and want to keep his drinking in check - it is a relationship with at least a pink flag over it.

Yes, it is! You sound so precious, for goodness sake. Have you never been out with friends and had such a good time you decide to stay longer or go on somewhere? Getting in at 2.30am on a weekend night after the pub is hardly going on a coke bender until 8am.

Not everyone over 30 is a boring square. My partner is 38 and I'm 36 and we go out fairly often, together or with other friends. We were out last weekend until gone 2am and then were up until after 3 having a nightcap at mine. Sorry you can't seem to understand that not everyone's idea of a great life is to settle down with kids and go to bed at 10pm. It doesn't make our lifestyle wrong or any less valid. Your attitude is patronising - there's nothing childish or student-like about enjoying a night out.

It's not her partner's fault that a previous ex (not even her children's father) was an alcoholic. Punishing him for someone else's actions is controlling and overbearing.

She has children, he doesn't. And as far as I understand it, he was still up for meeting on Sunday. She took the hump with him for the crime of staying out a bit later than he said he would.

She's obviously within her rights to dump him for any reason - she doesn't need to explain herself. But acting as if a man of 40 with no kids and living alone is doing something terrible by going out to the pub with his mates? Fuck that, honestly. I don't believe for a second that a childless woman of 40 posting here that her relatively new boyfriend was miffed she'd stayed out later than she said wouldn't be told to LTB and that his past and kids weren't her responsibility. I hate the double standard.

@CecilieRose you seem insistent on taking things out of context. For me a night out can be a night out with friends and coming home around 12, 1am, 2am whatever. A ‘big’ night might be later than that with the expectation that the next day is a write off. He goes out regularly, has a big night every so often. It’s all fine by me. I don’t know if he came home at 3am or 8am, I didn’t ask.

What’s not fine, for me, is the fact he’s not been in touch until after 1pm on the Sunday, knowing that we were supposed to get together and therefore left me hanging. And what’s not fine is that he’s telling me he does not want to do certain things, ie stay out late and then write off his Sunday but then he does the thing he said he doesn’t want to do. That has set off my warning bells.

As for those who are telling me we are not well matched. Well, we are so well suited in every other way. Really, really great. So that’s why it’s not as black and white as some of you seem. I don’t want to casually throw away something potentially amazing.

OP,

Ignore the goading posts.

If he drinks too much for you, that is enough to not continue seeing him.

You can stop seeing him for any reason.

Nothing controlling whatsoever about finishing with someone who drinks too much in your opinion.

People finish relationships for lots of reasons.

[quote Nedclarity]@CecilieRose you seem insistent on taking things out of context. For me a night out can be a night out with friends and coming home around 12, 1am, 2am whatever. A ‘big’ night might be later than that with the expectation that the next day is a write off. He goes out regularly, has a big night every so often. It’s all fine by me. I don’t know if he came home at 3am or 8am, I didn’t ask.

What’s not fine, for me, is the fact he’s not been in touch until after 1pm on the Sunday, knowing that we were supposed to get together and therefore left me hanging. And what’s not fine is that he’s telling me he does not want to do certain things, ie stay out late and then write off his Sunday but then he does the thing he said he doesn’t want to do. That has set off my warning bells.[/quote]
It's not out of context.

I don't know why you bothered posting. If it's not fine for you, then that's that, isn't it? Why are you asking for opinions?

I don't see anything too bad about his behaviour. Bit rude to leave you hanging, but it depends on how solid your plans were. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, or others. If it's a dealbreaker for you then what are you asking for here?

It just seems to me your lifestyles are not compatible. You're painting him as an alcoholic for being a 40-year-old with no kids who likes a drink with his mates and at the same time you're saying you don't want to date a teetotaller because you like a glass of wine yourself. I wish you the very best of luck finding this man who drinks just the right amount for you, who never ends up staying out slightly later than he said and who never does something he said he doesn't want to do, even once in a blue moon, and who is happy to date a single mother and reign in all his behaviour and social life because of someone else's kids.

Trust your own instincts. A 40yr old who goes out at 3pm and goes on the rip. Dunno... wouldn't be my cup of tea and I was a party girl back in the day. But at age 40 I'd never start drinking at 3pm or if I did I'd be home in bed at 8pm.

3pm to 2.30pm is 12 hours of drinking.

It's the fact that he wasn't upfront with you. This makes me think he's not upfront with himself.
One drink leads to another and there's no oversight.
He can't see it coming and he's no plan for how the night might end or the repercussions for tomorrow.

It's a 'throw caution to the wind'. He people pleases to pretend to the girlfriend and himself that he's not doing what he actually is doing - drinking all day with no intention of stopping until the last man has fallen.
If he had oversight he'd know at 4pm where things were going. Or else, he's so led by this other person that he's like a puppet in their hands.

He's not taking you into consideration or the context of his new relationship with you.

I don’t want to go out with someone who is teetotal, and I don’t see why I should. I like to have a glass of wine with dinner myself but 20 pints in a night, or a bottle of wine all to yourself at home on a Saturday night I find that shocking to be honest. Perhaps you think that’s normal, I guess in a lot of the U.K. that is normal but I’m from Scandinavia and drink isn’t normalised in the same way as it is over there so there’s the cultural difference too

1 bottle of wine on a Saturday night is ‘shocking’?

This is YOUR issue.