Is this a red flag or is my past making me overly sensitive

[Nedclarity]

I’ve been seeing someone for the past 6 months and he’s very lovely, attentive and comes across as very reliable. He does have a past of being a bit of a Jack the lad but has changed significantly over the last 6 years or so and has focussed on his work/career, not drinking to excess etc. I have had a relationship in the past with someone who was a problem drinker and let me down regularly, he’d go out for a ‘quick drink’ after work but then go awol for an entire weekend without letting me know where he was, ruining plans etc.

Now, my current boyfriend seems to have one group/one person that he hangs out with which always seems to lead to staying out later than intended. I’d say this has happened only 2-3 times in the last 6m. Last night he went out after a day of watching sports (started at 3pm), curry and had told me several times we’d get together today since he’d definitely be home by 10pm, it wasn’t going to be a ‘big night’. We don’t live together but will always text to say we’re back home after a night out. At 1.30am I woke up and noticed he hadn’t messaged me yet so I sent him one to ask if he was still out? At 2.30am came the response ‘yep going home now xx’. Today he messaged me at 1pm saying he’d just got up and was angling to meet up.

Now, I feel really let down and my warning bells are going off but I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive after being treated so badly in the past by someone with an alcohol problem. Like I said, we don’t live together and he’s free to stay out as late as he wants but my issue is with the seemingly getting carried away and drinking so much that it ruins his plans for the next day as he’s then so hungover. He knows I have no interest in hanging out with him after a big night, I find it very off putting generally in adult men who binge on a night out, he knows my history but says he’d never treat me badly. And he hasn’t. But I still feel like he’s let me down, after saying he’d be home at a decent time so that I’d want to hang out with him today. I’m aware that this sounds really juvenile but we are both early forties! I have children aged between 7-11 and really quite into this guy but I am finding myself almost hyper vigilant because I’m thinking about his potential influence on them if we take this further (he has not met the children).

The point is he bullshitted you. He went back on his word. And then he didn’t raise that fact or apologise.

I would be very unimpressed too.

I think the bigger problem here is that he doesn't have the foresight to see that it's going to turn into a late night/drinking session. Either he doesn't have the self control to stop it escalating into that, or he's deliberately lying to appease you. I mean, if he'd just said it looks like it might be a big night, I probably won't be up early tomorrow, then at least you know what's going on. Even if he's only messaged to tell you that at 10pm, it wouldn't be quite so bad. Keeping someone hanging around and then letting them down is pretty selfish.

I think you’re projecting due to your relationship history.

It sounds like maybe he doesn’t feel able to be honest with you as he knows you disapprove.

I think you're projecting your previous experience on him. It sounds like he went out and had a good night without checking the clock. I'd be more annoyed if the person I was out with kept checking the time and said he had to leave because he'd 'told his GF he would be home by 10'. OP as a pp said - you're not his mother - be careful you don't come across like you are.

I also think you shouldn’t have text him at 1:30am to see if he was still out.

@NuffSaidSam

Was it a 'big bender'? Just because he was out late doesn't mean he lost control/was paralytic.

Having a boozy late night once every eight weeks is hardly a cause for concern is it?

Gosh that’s me! I go on a girlie night out with my best friend once every 8 weeks, we drink (sometimes far too much) but I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not out of control and apart from that I don’t drink in between those times.

Thankfully dh doesn’t judge me or try and control my nights out or what I drink.

He’s not an ex alcoholic. I don’t police how much he drinks, when he drinks, who he’s with or how often. He’s free to do what he wants. He knows I’d rather not be around when he’s that hungover, they can last for two days and make him sweaty and moody. Is it a bad thing that I’ll rather let him get on with that himself while I see him some other time? I never asked him to be back by 10 or any specific time, in fact I said ‘it’ll probably be a late one so let’s not plan to meet up tomorrow’ but he was insistent. That’s what hurt. I have children so whilst I’d love to just get up in the morning and do whatever takes my fancy, I can’t. With three kids every day takes a bit of planning.

As for the message, he’d have text me just the same to see if I’m ok if he woke in the night and hadn’t heard from me and I would have appreciated that. We communicate a lot via text, I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I don’t believe I’m clingy. In fact I’m very independent, possibly too much so.

I go out regularly too and also have a bit too much sometimes but I don’t let people down because of my drinking and that’s the difference. I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t been in a relationship with an alcoholic to understand how it affects you but I hope you wouldn’t say some of the things you’ve written here to a friend if they confided in you.

@altmember that’s just it. A message during the night to say ‘looks like this will be later than planned’ would have been nice, then I wouldn’t have felt let down today. And I wouldn’t be worried something had happened on the way home when I didn’t hear from him (bus through dodgy area).

He has had a drinking problem in the past, that’s the thing.
Once you have a drinking problem, you always have one.

Did he let you down? If I've understood correctly, the plan was to spend the afternoon together and he text at 1pm angling to meet up....you told him not to bother because you anticipated he'd be hung over. But sounds like he was on board to carry out the afternoon as planned?

Ultimately though, it's all about how you feel and you're obviously not comfortable with it so decide what's next based on that. It doesn't matter that it wouldn't bother me. Your opinion is the only one that matters.

OP,

Listen to your gut.

He is a drinker.

He has had an issue and yet still drinks.

He chose a 12 hour session with his friends which then wrecked the plans he made with you.

These are his choices.

I wouldn't be hanging around for him.

I wouldn't want a drinker around my children either.

Listen to your gut, it is warning you.

I don't think it's unreasonable, no, and I find your attitude a bit controlling, actually. We've all had an absolutely shit, isolating year...is it so bad to stay out late having fun with friends? I went to the pub 'for a couple' with some colleagues on a weeknight and we ended up staying out until midnight and only left because the place was closing. Does that make me an alcoholic? Because I wanted to stay out with people I liked instead of going home to have a mint tea and watch some Netflix,
like I do every other night?

He didn't go on a bender when you had an early flight or important appointment the next morning, you had vague plans to maybe go for a walk. And this 'big night drinking' was 2-3 times in six months. If it were every weekend then yes, there's an issue, but it isn't at all.

I agree that if this were a man posting about a woman, people would say it was controlling. He's allowed to have a life outside you. He shouldn't have to go to bed at 10pm because you might go for a walk the next day.

If your past has made you sensitive to something, that doesn't mean you have to ignore or over ride the sensitivity; that's part of who you are, now. Respect that. If you now have an emotional boundary that says you can't have a relationship with somebody who behaves in this way, then respect it. Otherwise you'll be in a relationship with someone who upsets you, and you'll feel you can't say anything. That's so disrespectful of you, to yourself!

In a relationship, if something your partner does touches on a sensitivity, you need to feel you can raise the issue, and talk it through without fear of repercussions. You may decide that you can't be in the relationship any more, or you may decide on some sort of compromise, but if you don't feel you can raise your feelings at all, it's not a healthy relationship.

So, talk to him about how you feel. Don't tell him what to do; this is about your feelings. See what he has to say. If you get a defensive 'I've done nothing wrong' sort of response, pull back from him. What you're looking for is a 'Sorry, I didn't realise it upset you; what can we do to shift things so that we both get our needs met?' sort of approach.

The thing is, if you were to take the next step and move in together, is this what you’d want ? The answer is no, so why carry on.

I think a few later than expected nights in 6 months is fine.

I guess for me the worry would be if you lived together it might become an issue and it would seriously piss me off if there were kids involved. Especially as it would wipe out any help the following day due to a a hangover.

Sounds like his 'I'll be home by 10' was maybe for your benefit. Would you have felt better if he'd said, going out with the lads tonight, no idea what time I'll be back?

On the face of it I don’t think what he did was too bad - a night out with friends that got a bit messier than he intended. However things have to feel right to you and you’ve been hurt by a drinker in the past, so I think you’d be right to keep your antennae up.

Did he let me down? Well, we would usually get in touch in the morning to make plans. He got out of bed after 1pm, when we were meant to be heading out at about that time so yes I do feel like he has let me down. I prefer not to hang around and wait for him to maybe call and then drop everything for him once he does, if he does. That doesn’t feel ok to me.

See, this is quite similar to how things started with the alcoholic ex. Slowly, at first. Eventually he’d disappear for entire weekends. There were always excuses similar to what you’ve listed here.

‘Haven’t seen so and so for ages’
‘I had a bad day at work’
‘I had a good day at work’…then:
‘It’s no wonder I drink when you’re such a pain’
‘You need to lighten up a bit, don’t be such a bore’
‘We’re just having a bit of fun’

The next thing I know he’s asleep on the front doorstep because he forgot his key. I was at such a low point being continuously trodden on by him. Of course to everyone else he was brilliant, fun, the life and soul of every party.

He would surround himself with drinkers, not real friends, to make himself feel like he was just doing what everyone else was doing.

The worst thing is how it’s still affecting me.

I guess only time will tell with this one, if he is going in the same direction or not. I don’t think I’ll hang around to find out but thank you for your opinions.

OP,

If you put up with that level of awful behaviour before, well done for being very careful.

You are recognising a pattern so you are alert to it.

You certainly do not want to ever subject your children to this again so I would be looking at his drinking very carefully.

There is a huge difference between someone who enjoys a few drinks and someone who does 12 hour sessions on a semi regular basis.

That isn't usual for a man in his 40's if he isn't a heavy drinker IMO.

You are right to be wary.

I don't think there is any point in being upset, he is who he is.

Better you see him clearly, rather that him trying to hoover you in by modifying his behaviour.

I repeat, I really wouldn't want another heavy drinker in my children's lives if I was you.

Not saying he isn't an alcoholic (only you know him) but all the things you listed are also things said by perfectly normal people without drinking problems, except 'it's no longer I drink when you're such a pain'. Not seeing someone for ages or having a bad day at work are completely valid reasons to want to go out for a few drinks.

If I were you, I'd stick to dating teetotallers, because it seems like even normal social drinking is quite triggering for you. I would be really annoyed if someone thought of me as an alcoholic because I stayed out a bit later than planned twice in six months, especially if we weren't even living together.

@Nedclarity I totally get where you're coming from and yes it's hard for people to understand if their life hasn't been negatively impacted by someone else's drinking.
My OH is a drinker, he's calmed down a lot as he's got older but still has the occasional binge.
When he comes home he's noisy and disrupts my sleep.
He'll still be up for any plans we've made, but I'll be cranky having had little sleep, and he'll be miserable and monosyllabic, not to mention that he stinks after a binge!
So generally I cancel or cut short whatever we had planned, and then I'm the bad guy.
I've had 18 years of this, if I was every considering dating again I think any men would have to sign a non drinking pledge

Oh OP you sound lovely and really self aware.

I'm guessing he doesn't have kids? And maybe didn't have responsibilities that he had to be not hungover for?

I ask this as a really hungover woman who met friends for a nice afternoon of pizza and wine that turned into a heavy night. It's all about context. I don't have children and I'm not dating at the moment. I'm in my late 30s and visiting my home city. I'm finishing up a major research project and living in a city at the other end of the country where I don't know anyone and I'm usually in bed at 10pm and up at 4am to work. If I was seeing a great guy and we had plans today I would (probably) have taken it a bit easy because I would want to be my better self and prioritise the getting to know each other time. Especially if he had kids...I would know his time with me was carved out not so easily.

It's tricky. My old friends and those rare and messy nights are important. But I have different priorities atm. He doesn't sound like he's ready for a different way of life that means being there for you and your needs and desires in a relationship.

I don’t see him as an alcoholic but I am worried that with time it could turn into a bigger problem. I agree those are all excuses used by people who don’t have a drinking problem, that’s what makes it so hard to know what’s what until you’re too far down the line already.

My alcoholic ex was around before I met the father of my children so they’ve not been through all that with me, luckily. But yes I don’t want to bring any of that into their lives for sure. I think that’s why I’m on such hyper alert.

I don’t want to go out with someone who is teetotal, and I don’t see why I should. I like to have a glass of wine with dinner myself but 20 pints in a night, or a bottle of wine all to yourself at home on a Saturday night, I find that shocking to be honest. Perhaps you think that’s normal, I guess in a lot of the U.K. that is normal but I’m from Scandinavia and drink isn’t normalised in the same way as it is over there so there’s the cultural difference too.

‘Would you have felt better if he'd said, going out with the lads tonight, no idea what time I'll be back?’
Yes, I would because then he’d have been honest with himself and with me. I’d have known he’d probably spend Sunday in bed/be moody and hungover, so I would have made other plans and not feel like he’d let me down or lost control. I’m not upset because of how late he stayed out, I’m sad because of the knock-on effect on our plans. We don’t get to see eachother as much as we’d like so a few hours together on a Sunday is quite precious to both of us.

It’s been interesting to see how split the opinions are, some pretty disparaging things have been said about me here, but also some of you are in agreement that it’s not something you would be ok with either.

I'm sorry you feel let down OP. I know I would too simply because he didn't follow through with what he said he would do. By 10pm, if he knew he would be out later then a simple message to you to that effect would have been enough for me to think, ok great he's let me know. 6months is really not long enough to get to know someone well especially if you don't live together. If this continues, are you going to be happy with investing in your relationship? Especially when you have children and I agree that you do have to consider how they may be influenced, of course they would be.

Well I think you sound great and like a really good mum. And I say that as a UK person who definitely subscribes to the problematic drinking culture in this country (see above). It's something I don't want in future relationships though, and definitely indicative about my current situation. I'm not in a place to date and build a life with someone yet

So you're worried he's on the slippery slope of turning into your ex?
But the thing is, he currently lives by himself with no commitments or responsibilities. If he wanted to get shitfaced every weekend, he'd be doing that already without a care in the world.

All you can do is make your own plans on weekends when he's going out - tell him what you're doing and then the balls in his court to decide whether to catch up with you or not.

I just don't think it's reasonable to expect a man with no kids of his own to live his life like a family man and never do anything that doesn't revolve around you. We do have quite a big pub culture here, and I think you're going to have a hard time finding someone who never, ever ends up staying out later than planned, having a good time with friends, but if it's a dealbreaker to you then it is what it is.