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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t understand how this ended like this

76 replies

Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:07

Last weekend me and my partner of a year and a half had a huge row. The essence of this was I felt he was making minimal effort and saying he wanted a future together but not acting on that. I’d still not met his friends or family (they knew about me) and he’d not met mine despite being invited many times. He always had an excuse or reason. Trying to book anything together other than dinner was hard as he was non committal to plans together that involved more than a meal out, although we saw each other most days. Anyway it all blew up and I was upset, said I don’t feel he makes the effort to match his words and all he could say in response was he was struggling to juggle work, family and a relationship. He was crying and so my immediate response was to try and talk it over with him, asking if he was stressed, depressed, anxious etc. I asked what I could do to help, what he needed. He wouldn’t talk properly and was cold with me, as if he was annoyed I had raised any of these things I needed from him. He barely spoke. This went on for a few days, him being really off with me, not kissing me, brushing off hugs. I practically begged him not to let this go and to work on on it, told him I loved him and was there for him. Silence again. I eventually said if he didn’t want to talk about this then I needed to focus on my own future because I don’t understand what he’s doing to us but it wasn’t what I wanted. He said he loved me too and we ended the phone call and I’ve never heard from him since. I loved him so much. Not sure what I’m asking really, just so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:09

When he said family he means his parents. His dad gets low sometimes but other than that they are healthy for their age/no different to other parents that age.

OP posts:
RalphLaurenG · 14/11/2021 10:11

How long ago was the phone call?

Peanutmnm · 14/11/2021 10:12

Something sounds off OP. I know it hurts but he doesn't sound committed at all. Very odd not to have met any of his friends and family.

pictish · 14/11/2021 10:13

Don’t be sad, be glad. He’s showing you his hand here. He will string you along while punishing you for having any expectations of him. You’re getting the silent treatment. He wants you to promise to help him, he wants you to beg. He wants you to shoulder the burden of his needs exactly as you are doing.

If I were you I’d take this as an out and get shot of him immediately.

MamDancer · 14/11/2021 10:16

He wanted to present as single so kept you hidden, while promising a future together (future faking)

You were his Good Enough For Now woman

He didn't want you as part of his main life (compartmentalising)

See these things are so common, they have names!

Leave him gone, don't indulge his antics further

AnaViaSalamanca · 14/11/2021 10:18

Why do you NC and post the same thing again and again?

AliasGrape · 14/11/2021 10:18

@pictish

Don’t be sad, be glad. He’s showing you his hand here. He will string you along while punishing you for having any expectations of him. You’re getting the silent treatment. He wants you to promise to help him, he wants you to beg. He wants you to shoulder the burden of his needs exactly as you are doing.

If I were you I’d take this as an out and get shot of him immediately.

This.

He has no intention of having a proper relationship or future with you. He’s punishing you for asking more of him and keeping you in your box. I don’t know whether he’s actually ended things in his mind or he’s waiting for you to beg more, but either way you should throw this one back, he will never give you what you want/ need.

I had one like this, silent treatment because I expressed annoyance at him letting me down last minute and basically had the audacity to tell him I deserved better. I just assumed it was over and didn’t realise I was meant to be begging/ grovelling. When I didn’t play the way he expected he did eventually come creeping back but the damage was done by that point.

oviraptor21 · 14/11/2021 10:20

You said if he didn’t want to talk about this then I needed to focus on my own future because I don’t understand what he’s doing to us but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Maybe he took that as you ending it, or at least asking for some thinking time.
If you feel there is more to be said then it should be you making the first move?

Carotcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:21

@RalphLaurenG it was last Thursday.

@Peanutmnm I know, they do know about me through.

@Peanutmnm he wouldn’t even discuss Christmas plans, said he’d be seeing his family and no mention of us. We’ve had such an amazing relationship though, day to day I was so happy with him and that’s why I am totally taken aback by how this has unfolded. I was kind to him and said whatever he needed we could work on together etc etc. He just seems to have cut me out now?

Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:22

NC fail…

@RalphLaurenG it was last Thursday.

@Peanutmnm I know, they do know about me through.

@Peanutmnm he wouldn’t even discuss Christmas plans, said he’d be seeing his family and no mention of us. We’ve had such an amazing relationship though, day to day I was so happy with him and that’s why I am totally taken aback by how this has unfolded. I was kind to him and said whatever he needed we could work on together etc etc. He just seems to have cut me out now?

OP posts:
Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:23

@oviraptor21

You said if he didn’t want to talk about this then I needed to focus on my own future because I don’t understand what he’s doing to us but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Maybe he took that as you ending it, or at least asking for some thinking time.
If you feel there is more to be said then it should be you making the first move?

@oviraptor21 yes he just said that he understood what I was saying. To which I said I would much prefer to talk about things and move forwards and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and was silent. So we ended the call :(
OP posts:
Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:26

@AliasGrape how long before he came back? I also feel the damage is done now. I don’t understand it but I really couldn’t have been more caring and patient. I don’t know if I would consider it silent treatment in the typical sense but it was horrible trying to talk about things and him not saying anything back

OP posts:
VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 10:26

all he could say in response was he was struggling to juggle work, family and a relationship

So normal stuff that everyone else juggles then?

But by family he means his mostly well, independant parents (not even kids from a previous relationship like many people juggle too).

He either can't adult the most basic degree, which makes him shot relationship material, or he is not committed or invested in your relationship at all (or both).

He's not including you in his life, despite being happy to use your company & hospitality (and sex? And cooking?) nearky every day. He's keeping you separate. And hea willing apparently to let the relationship go when challenged on that (Even challenged in a sympathetic, constructive, desperate to save the relationship way like you have done).

He's not "in". Sorry.

Who.knows why. You may not get to jnow exactly why.

You're fighting to save the relationship abd he is not.

His response to reasonable expectations is v OTT and then to walk away/let it go.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 10:28

Aliasgrape is spot on too.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 10:33

I think you naturally took him spending so much time with you so regularly to mean you were in a normal, functional relationship that would move forward in the way normal relationships do (towards meeting each others family and friends, spending significant holidays together, going on hidalgo together maybe later living together, marrying etc.).

But I don't think he did. I think he's taking what suits him, likes the company etc but for reasons best known to himself, is not open to it moving forward and being a normal, full relationship.

What is his relationship history?

Is he definitely 100% single?

He apparently had no kids, but do you?

Nov910 · 14/11/2021 10:35

@Caroetcleaners I understand, I’ve had that treatment for years. It’s one of the hardest things to deal with and I’ve had some crappy relationships. It will make you feel like you’re going mad.
Basically if he’s anything like mine HE will want to do what HE wants. HE will sulk and give you the silent treatment if HE isn’t getting what he feels is right.
It’s taken me a long time to see it, sadly we have lots of memories, family meets etc..a life in a way but only on his terms for a lot of it. They are confusing calculating men who will mould your into how they want you to be.
What’s he like when you have a conversation, always off?
Your bf either needs to step up to where you are happy too or move on. It’s not easy, I’m hugely struggling but it only gets worse/harder.

Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:38

@VelvetRope212

I think you naturally took him spending so much time with you so regularly to mean you were in a normal, functional relationship that would move forward in the way normal relationships do (towards meeting each others family and friends, spending significant holidays together, going on hidalgo together maybe later living together, marrying etc.).

But I don't think he did. I think he's taking what suits him, likes the company etc but for reasons best known to himself, is not open to it moving forward and being a normal, full relationship.

What is his relationship history?

Is he definitely 100% single?

He apparently had no kids, but do you?

@VelvetRope212 yeah I think that was exactly it, I felt like we were embarking on something committed by spending lots of time together but actually it wasn’t the case, he said he wanted a future with me but the proper fabric of a relationship wasn’t there. My friend is getting married in December and I asked him in July if he would come and he said he’s have to see…I said could he not book it off work and he just said he’d try…then never mentioned it again. Stuff like that happened a lot.

No neither of us. And yes he was single. As far as I know he’s had a few short term relationships but nothing as long as this one

OP posts:
Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:41

[quote Nov910]@Caroetcleaners I understand, I’ve had that treatment for years. It’s one of the hardest things to deal with and I’ve had some crappy relationships. It will make you feel like you’re going mad.
Basically if he’s anything like mine HE will want to do what HE wants. HE will sulk and give you the silent treatment if HE isn’t getting what he feels is right.
It’s taken me a long time to see it, sadly we have lots of memories, family meets etc..a life in a way but only on his terms for a lot of it. They are confusing calculating men who will mould your into how they want you to be.
What’s he like when you have a conversation, always off?
Your bf either needs to step up to where you are happy too or move on. It’s not easy, I’m hugely struggling but it only gets worse/harder.[/quote]
@Nov910 yes that’s it, it feels so hard. Sorry you’ve experienced similar. What makes me feel confused most is that he is such a nice person, he’s quiet and kind and generous and sensitive. Yet he behaves like this, which I feel is cruel and selfish. The two sets of characteristics don’t make sense and so I sometimes feel it’s me in the wrong and I’m bringing these negative characteristics out of him.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/11/2021 10:43

You do need to focus on your own future because you don't have a future with him. Someone who bursts into tears and gives you the silent treatment when you ask why you can't make ordinary plans with him, simply doesn't want to make those ordinary plans with you. That's all there is to it.

If there was anything to work out then he wouldn't have gone silent he would have contacted you and tried to work things out. It is hard to accept that he just doesn't want a normal relationship with you, that all he wants is a very limited relationship though he may want that limited relationship a lot. But he has actually made his choice - he would rather not be with you than have a normal relationship where he has to make a bit of effort. So if you want a normal relationship you'll have to find someone else.

Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:46

@AmaryllisNightAndDay thanks, it feels so hard though and like such a waste of something that could have been great.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2021 10:47

Well it’s certainly a waste if it isn’t great.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 10:49

What makes me feel confused most is that he is such a nice person, he’s quiet and kind and generous and sensitive. Yet he behaves like this, which I feel is cruel and selfish. The two sets of characteristics don’t make sense

People are often often big weird mix of good and bad traits.

I'm sure we all know men who have some good qualities but who are shit relationship material, they are essentially bachelor types.

He sounds either incredibly highly strung/unable to adult, or not really invested in a normal relationship with you (or both).

The bottom line hs, no matter what his feelings/character, hes not offering you a normal, reasonable relationship.

VelvetRope212 · 14/11/2021 10:49

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

You do need to focus on your own future because you don't have a future with him. Someone who bursts into tears and gives you the silent treatment when you ask why you can't make ordinary plans with him, simply doesn't want to make those ordinary plans with you. That's all there is to it.

If there was anything to work out then he wouldn't have gone silent he would have contacted you and tried to work things out. It is hard to accept that he just doesn't want a normal relationship with you, that all he wants is a very limited relationship though he may want that limited relationship a lot. But he has actually made his choice - he would rather not be with you than have a normal relationship where he has to make a bit of effort. So if you want a normal relationship you'll have to find someone else.

Yep.
TillyTopper · 14/11/2021 10:53

Honestly, I think you are better off without him. If he won't commit to more than a meal how can you have a life with him without feeling you are constantly on tenterhooks? If he wanted the same things as you he would commit at least to Xmas and a few weekends away... maybe even a holiday next. But he doesn't want the same things and you are hanging on.. Dump and find someone that wants a proper relationship would be my advice.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/11/2021 10:54

It is sad, but if he only wants some parts of a relationship you can't make him want the whole thing. You need someone whose idea of a great relationship also includes the social side and making a bit of effort!