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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t understand how this ended like this

76 replies

Caroetcleaners · 14/11/2021 10:07

Last weekend me and my partner of a year and a half had a huge row. The essence of this was I felt he was making minimal effort and saying he wanted a future together but not acting on that. I’d still not met his friends or family (they knew about me) and he’d not met mine despite being invited many times. He always had an excuse or reason. Trying to book anything together other than dinner was hard as he was non committal to plans together that involved more than a meal out, although we saw each other most days. Anyway it all blew up and I was upset, said I don’t feel he makes the effort to match his words and all he could say in response was he was struggling to juggle work, family and a relationship. He was crying and so my immediate response was to try and talk it over with him, asking if he was stressed, depressed, anxious etc. I asked what I could do to help, what he needed. He wouldn’t talk properly and was cold with me, as if he was annoyed I had raised any of these things I needed from him. He barely spoke. This went on for a few days, him being really off with me, not kissing me, brushing off hugs. I practically begged him not to let this go and to work on on it, told him I loved him and was there for him. Silence again. I eventually said if he didn’t want to talk about this then I needed to focus on my own future because I don’t understand what he’s doing to us but it wasn’t what I wanted. He said he loved me too and we ended the phone call and I’ve never heard from him since. I loved him so much. Not sure what I’m asking really, just so confused and sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 09:43

@evabream

Look op it’s not a surprise is it? The signs were there and it wasn’t all ‘cooking and laughing together.’ He didn’t introduce you to his family or friends. He said he couldn’t tell workmates about you. He wouldn’t make long term plans/arrangements. Also from your other threads lots of other stuff. I don’t see how your shocked? Unfortunately breakups are shit, if you keep holding this up to the light and turning it over you won’t magically have an answer, you will just get ill and bitter. Grieve and lick your wounds and then focus totally on you. I bet a large sum of money that this man is hiding something from you and I don’t get why you’d want a future with him. I’d suggest some counselling to unpick why you’d want a future with a person that made no signs of wanting a future with you?

All the best

@evabream thanks I agree I need to work out why I was so keen to make it work with him. The signs were all there but the hope was too, in everything he said. Talk is cheap… I’m just hurting as I feel like I meant nothing to him and it’s hard to accept and understand. The signs were there though I agree. Why I expect decency from him now…he’s busy thinking of only himself which is what he always wanted anyway. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 09:46

@Smiler79

He sounds really odd op. Crying about it but not really caring enough to change or contact you. He’s got issues and isn’t into you enough. You post a lot about this , try and focus on moving on. There are genuine nice guys out there who would be proud to introduce you to everyone as they see a future with you

@Smiler79 why can’t I find those ones… I have tried. Maybe I go for the wrong thing.

OP posts:

evabream · 15/11/2021 09:47

I do get it, I’m going through a similar thing at the minute. My logical side can see all the signs but it is very hard when you’ve built up an idea of the person and the future. I probably need some counselling myself and I’m talking as much to me here as to you to tell the truth. x

Smiler79 · 15/11/2021 09:59

Could you be attracted to avoidant types? Commitment phobic guys? Can you do any reading or counselling to find out why.
I think these types can be exciting as you try to pin them down. The constant anxiety addictive in a way.

Daenerys77 · 15/11/2021 10:05

I suspect that what he's 'juggling' includes at least one other relationship.

Nov910 · 15/11/2021 10:48

@evabream completely with you on what you wrote. Very hard times

Nov910 · 15/11/2021 11:01

@Caroetcleaners
**He once said in an argument about time together (quality time doing nice things), that ‘I always answer all your phone calls!’ As if that was something I was supposed to be grateful for, I guess? confused don’t think I’ve ever said anything like that

This^^

Mine used to call me on a set day every week, at the same time. I started finding it robotic..he used to say ‘it’s mid week why wouldn’t I’ fair enough, made me feel like I was being unreasonable. Then as time went on there was the odd time I couldn’t answer, he would call straight after, and again, then message to say he’d called me. I’d a call back or respond and it became apparent he didn’t like me not almost being on call for him? Like I should know that every time he’s so the same so why want I say waiting around for him?
He also never used to have much to say so I got bored of me talking and told him it wild be easier to just catch up at the weekend.
I watched a video, they like routine, they like to know they have moulded you into doing what they want. They get offended and sulky if you don’t answer. What’s really ironic and confusing is he rarely answered the phone to his own family and would calm back when HE was ready!
Last week he called me, after 3 times (I was busy) I called back. He told me he’d tried to call, o said I knew, he made a ‘joke’ about how I was busy. We chatted/debated..I got up to do something and as soon as he knew I wasn’t 100% engaged he hung up on me!! Immediately messaging me like it was then ok.

ChangeMustCome · 15/11/2021 11:43

There are so many men about like this. I have come to the conclusion that most of those who want full commitment in a relationship did it early in life. I'm 44 OP, what age are you?
My recent experiences (bar one psycho a few years back who wanted my eldest to move out and for him to move in after 3 months), they've all been reluctant to add me into parts of their lives involving friends or family.
The recent guy who I'm still seeing.(about 6 months), who's quite good in many ways such as doesn't leave my messages hanging etc, recently let me sit in his kitchen while his dad was at the front door and didn't introduce me. I would never have done that had it been my Mum but I just thought he must have had his reasons and I drank my tea and never mentioned it!
We possibly need to either accept that we'll get less than we may be looking for and adjust to that or seek out widowers and divorced men, who have proved potentially capable of commitment, but who come with their own massive issues/kids/baggage.
Or, of course, stay single and try and enjoy life without a partner. I must admit, if this one doesn't work out I am planning to throw in the towel and get a second dog!

Triffid1 · 15/11/2021 11:51

OP - you've posted repeatedly about this. I think you're looking for a specific answer and closure. I believe that TV and movies have a lot to answer for here - in those, there's always a final answer, an explanation, an opportunity to end it on your terms. That's just not true in real life. You will never know if he actually has another girlfriend, if he's just lazy, if he's got unexplained issues - but the point really is that it's irrelevant. He was not willing to make you a proper part of his life. SO you should be thanking your lucky stars that you only wasted 18 months and not 5 years.

AlbertBridge · 15/11/2021 12:35

please just close and hide the thread rather than lashing out.

I didn't mean to lash out. It was tough love. 🤗 But I'll leave you in peace now. I'm really sorry I annoyed you. I just wish you'd realise you're worth 100 times better than this.

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 13:20

@AlbertBridge

please just close and hide the thread rather than lashing out.

I didn't mean to lash out. It was tough love. 🤗 But I'll leave you in peace now. I'm really sorry I annoyed you. I just wish you'd realise you're worth 100 times better than this.

@AlbertBridge sorry, it came across like that (or maybe I’m reading into it as I feel sorry for myself at the moment). I get what you’re saying. It’s tough I think working at home and having a lot of time to think. At the start of this year I felt so lucky and so happy and I still wake up thinking how did this unfold in this way? I know that he’s not right for me and wasn’t being fair or reasonable. I guess I wish he had messaged to just say I hope you’re ok and he was sorry. The silence after such a strange phone call genuinely makes me feel uneasy, like our whole relationship was fake to him.

I’ve just gone and analysed some more now, sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 13:21

@Triffid1

@Triffid1 yeah I think if he had cheated or moved away or met someone then it would hurt but it would make sense. It doesn’t make sense to be telling me he loves me one day and then the next being so cold and distant…just because I wanted us to progress our relationship and felt frustrated by him. It wasn’t cause for a break up, I just wanted us to chat and work things out going forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 13:23

@ChangeMustCome

There are so many men about like this. I have come to the conclusion that most of those who want full commitment in a relationship did it early in life. I'm 44 OP, what age are you? My recent experiences (bar one psycho a few years back who wanted my eldest to move out and for him to move in after 3 months), they've all been reluctant to add me into parts of their lives involving friends or family. The recent guy who I'm still seeing.(about 6 months), who's quite good in many ways such as doesn't leave my messages hanging etc, recently let me sit in his kitchen while his dad was at the front door and didn't introduce me. I would never have done that had it been my Mum but I just thought he must have had his reasons and I drank my tea and never mentioned it! We possibly need to either accept that we'll get less than we may be looking for and adjust to that or seek out widowers and divorced men, who have proved potentially capable of commitment, but who come with their own massive issues/kids/baggage. Or, of course, stay single and try and enjoy life without a partner. I must admit, if this one doesn't work out I am planning to throw in the towel and get a second dog!

@ChangeMustCome I’m 37. I think divorced is a better option than someone who has never had a relationship before, you’re right. In my vanity and naivety I think I thought I was the person who had made him want to settle down. The joke is very much on me on that front.

OP posts:

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 15/11/2021 13:23

@Smiler79

Could you be attracted to avoidant types? Commitment phobic guys? Can you do any reading or counselling to find out why. I think these types can be exciting as you try to pin them down. The constant anxiety addictive in a way.

@Smiler79 yes I think there’s something in that. How do you stop being that type?

OP posts:

RhubarbTea · 15/11/2021 13:45

Yes you need to google 'avoidant attachment' and you'll find you are basically reading about him. He ticks all the boxes.

You might have an anxious attachment style, which is why you're compelled to chase men like him. The way to heal your own attachment style is usually via longer term therapy, or by having a long term relationship with someone who is securely attached, i.e not avoidant. I wish you the best and I know how hard this sort of situation is, it can be really painful.

Nov910 · 15/11/2021 13:57

Interestingly op I attracted someone before this guy who wanted to move in with me after about 3 months, I know 1 I didn’t want to and 2 he wasn’t what I was looking for long term. This guy I felt was right, i wanted to be with him long term, I stupidly envisaged a long future due to how much we got on etc.
how do we know who were attracting?! Man 1, not avoidant, this one is..it’s like we need a degree???!!!

AlbertBridge · 15/11/2021 16:28

I guess I wish he had messaged to just say I hope you’re ok and he was sorry. The silence after such a strange phone call genuinely makes me feel uneasy, like our whole relationship was fake to him.

Sometimes you just never get closure. But I realised something a while back: CLOSURE can be rearranged to spell CU LOSER. So just think that!

Honestly he just has so many issues that his silence now totally fits his pattern. He avoids anything emotional. He'd never call you up because he thinks you'd be upset (emotions) or angry (emotions) and he'd be forced to analyse the feelings behind his behaviour (emotions). So he's going to swerve contacting you ALL DAY LONG.

lisaandalan · 15/11/2021 19:34

Could he have been married. ? X

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/11/2021 20:08

I think @Triffid1 put it well. You may never get answers. My sister said to me that my ExH had taken up more of my headspace than he was ever entitled to, and now we're over, I just didn't need to think about him any more. What good would it do? What did I have to gain from it? I've got 20 years' worth of diaries agonising about what he did X, or why was he so miserable, how could I fix him? Guess what, nowadays my diaries are all about the fun I'm having with someone new . Don't waste any more time wondering about him. If you've got time to spare, invest it in you, working out what things you can do to make yourself happier.
@AlbertBridge has a great point there about Closure = C U Loser!

Original poster

Caroetcleaners · 16/11/2021 09:23

@AlbertBridge

Sometimes you just never get closure. But I realised something a while back: CLOSURE can be rearranged to spell CU LOSER. So just think that!

@AlbertBridge this makes a lot of sense. I did spend many many hours trying to tease out of him and what was wrong and how he was feeling. In my low moments I want to be in touch precisely because he struggles expressing emotion…but I try and remember he could always have text to say hi how are you etc..and he’s not even done that.

I remember a few months in thinking it was like being with someone with very limited emotion as he was so withdrawn about closeness and there was always a huge gap between us there. Guess I hoped it would change as we got closer, and it did but only by tiny amounts.

OP posts:

Nov910 · 16/11/2021 11:06

@Caroetcleaners you may have found like mine SOME things they took on board, some they didn’t. I can’t, and can’t be bothered mentally to analyse which and why, but there’s an underlying reason that will benefit HIM. It’s sad and a horrible way to feel

noirchatsdeux · 16/11/2021 14:27

Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

You can do all the asking 'whys' until kingdom come, you won't get any answers and it won't make any difference, anyway.

The only person who can 'solve' whatever his 'problem' (and I put that in quotation marks as he may not even think he has a problem) is, is him.

evabream · 16/11/2021 17:22

@noirchatsdeux listen to this poster please. That’s it. You can tie yourself in knots forever except it won’t do anything except make you very ill. Been there done that.

Shallysally · 16/11/2021 18:28

Yes to @noirchatsdeux. It’s true, you will torture yourself looking for answers. Why doesn’t change, why doesn’t love me enough, why am I so unworthy that a chap won’t alter for me, won’t give me what I need?

The truth is, people are who they are. We need to either learn to accept them and make a life with them, or choose to step away in the hope of finding peace of mind, and maybe a person that we can be happy with.

Shallysally · 16/11/2021 19:48

I’m just chatting with a friend, I ended things with my partner on Sunday.

This was on of her messages:
I only hope you’re kind to yourself. I care you don’t overly hurt over someone who has no intention of saving you

And she is so right. At the end of the day, that is what it comes down to. We need to be as selfish as they are in order to protect ourselves from the hurt they cause us

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