I can’t understand how this ended like this

[Caroetcleaners]

Last weekend me and my partner of a year and a half had a huge row. The essence of this was I felt he was making minimal effort and saying he wanted a future together but not acting on that. I’d still not met his friends or family (they knew about me) and he’d not met mine despite being invited many times. He always had an excuse or reason. Trying to book anything together other than dinner was hard as he was non committal to plans together that involved more than a meal out, although we saw each other most days. Anyway it all blew up and I was upset, said I don’t feel he makes the effort to match his words and all he could say in response was he was struggling to juggle work, family and a relationship. He was crying and so my immediate response was to try and talk it over with him, asking if he was stressed, depressed, anxious etc. I asked what I could do to help, what he needed. He wouldn’t talk properly and was cold with me, as if he was annoyed I had raised any of these things I needed from him. He barely spoke. This went on for a few days, him being really off with me, not kissing me, brushing off hugs. I practically begged him not to let this go and to work on on it, told him I loved him and was there for him. Silence again. I eventually said if he didn’t want to talk about this then I needed to focus on my own future because I don’t understand what he’s doing to us but it wasn’t what I wanted. He said he loved me too and we ended the phone call and I’ve never heard from him since. I loved him so much. Not sure what I’m asking really, just so confused and sad.

@TillyTopper

Honestly, I think you are better off without him. If he won't commit to more than a meal how can you have a life with him without feeling you are constantly on tenterhooks? If he wanted the same things as you he would commit at least to Xmas and a few weekends away... maybe even a holiday next. But he doesn't want the same things and you are hanging on.. Dump and find someone that wants a proper relationship would be my advice.

@TillyTopper he talks about all these things all the time. A few months ago he got back from work and said he’d been thinking all day about the hotel I had sent to him and how much he wanted to go. Nothing ever gets arranged though. Similarly we have a family holiday home in the uk that we could go to anytime and he’s never been interested in that either. He talks a lot about things but we rarely do much

Stringing. You. Along.

@BobCatBob

You have a man with an ‘avoidant’ attachment style on your hands. Worth your doing some research on this as it will help you understand why this ended this way and get some closure. A good book for starters is ‘attached’ by Amire Levine or some of the podcasts by Thais Gibson.

It’s likely he will ‘come back’ after a period of silence - this will be part of a repeat cycle and it is very unlikely to change, though it may seem lovely for a while.

@BobCatBob thanks I will listen to the podcast. I’m a bit scared of him coming back as part of me knows it wasn’t ok but the other part thinks I might crumble if he re appeared. It’s been a few days now though so I think he’s gone for good.

struggling to juggle work, family and a relationship

Well, my view is that if you have to juggle those things, then the relationship with your life partner comes first, then family, then work. He seems to be having difficulty with making that commitment.

[quote Caroetcleaners]@AmaryllisNightAndDay thanks, it feels so hard though and like such a waste of something that could have been great.[/quote]
But OP don't you get that only way it 'could have been great' is if your entire relationship was based on him and his wants and needs? That is not great, it is a shit way to live and you would be walking around on eggshells trying not to trigger another marathon sulking session because you asked a perfectly reasonable question.

I'm sorry but 18 months and you haven't met anyone he cares about? He was hiding you for some reason (you say they know about you but you've probably only got his word for that)

I know how hard it can be to come to terms with, but there seems nothing about this relationship which screams 'we have a future together'

“It is sad, but if he only wants some parts of a relationship you can't make him want the whole thing. You need someone whose idea of a great relationship also includes the social side and making a bit of effort!”

This. And good for you for making your needs known. It hurts now but it would hurt a lot more to find yourself still being treated so casually a year from now. You no longer have to waste your time with him.

@PrincessPaws I’ve heard him on the phone talking about us but yeah it was shit to never have let me meet anyone and to not have taken an interest in my family or friends either, beyond asking how they were.

I feel shit today and can’t even bring myself to get out of bed.

You've dogded a bullet op.
He's showing you who he really is and doesn't value or respect you at all, let him go don't contact him keep your dignity, he wants you to beg and come running so he can play his stupid mind games with you.
Leave well alone .

@Inthesameboatatmo

You've dogded a bullet op. He's showing you who he really is and doesn't value or respect you at all, let him go don't contact him keep your dignity, he wants you to beg and come running so he can play his stupid mind games with you. Leave well alone .

@Inthesameboatatmo I don’t think it’s mind games though, I think he’d have been in touch if so. I honestly don’t think he knows how to have a relationship :( I was so excited about Christmas with him

Is he hard up OP?? You do get some nennwho genuinely are struggling but like to look as if they are doing ok— so they talk about things they would like to do ‘a lot’ but don’t actually book them. Not meeting friends/family— is it possible he has lied about something? His job, previous relatiobships etc? And knows if you meet them then it will all come out? I know someone that happened to— he simply wanted to present as something he wasn’t to impress— all a bit dad really as she wouldn’t have cared, but she did care that he lied

@tarasmalatarocks

Is he hard up OP?? You do get some nennwho genuinely are struggling but like to look as if they are doing ok— so they talk about things they would like to do ‘a lot’ but don’t actually book them. Not meeting friends/family— is it possible he has lied about something? His job, previous relatiobships etc? And knows if you meet them then it will all come out? I know someone that happened to— he simply wanted to present as something he wasn’t to impress— all a bit dad really as she wouldn’t have cared, but she did care that he lied

@tarasmalatarocks no not at all, definitely nothing like that.

Whether intentional or not, what hes done is quite cruel.

Let yourself recover and take it easy on yourself.

I'd be interested to know his relationship history.

He is showing you who he is OP. Listen to that. If you were a priority in his life, he would know that you are hurting and feeling bewildered by how your relationship has ended.
Irrespective of whether or not he wants the relationship anymore, he would, if he really cares about you, reflect on your last conversation and make contact just to check on you, to apologise, to say, hey, the ending of that conversation was odd, you were upset. Sorry it’s over, hope you will be ok.

That is a basic level of decency and emotional intelligence.
Please, set you standard higher. You shouldn’t be waiting around for him or any man.

Take time out, don’t drive yourself to distraction over this, easier said than done I know.

Men are not very good at being honest and saying they want to end the relationship, they normally opt out by acting shitty, then when you question it, skulk silenty off. Silence speaks a thousand words.
A man who really wants to be with you would move mountains. Not put you through this crap.

@Moonface123 Too true!

@Caroetcleaners In a year and a half:
He hasn’t met your friends and family despite being invited
He hasn’t invited you to meet his friends and family
He won’t go away with you
He will commit to nothing more than a meal
You call him out and he goes into sulky silence mode.

Deep down you know this isn’t right, don’t you? This behaviour is what married men do with their other woman. Either he’s in another relationship, has been from before you met him, and you’re the other woman - or he’s just not that interested.

You deserve better.

@Caroetcleaners
I know I’ve replied once but I’m replying again.
My partner (I should say ex) sounds very much like yours where he’s now ended up pushing me out of things. Even though it’s only happened a couple of times I can see the bigger picture that he is very self-centred. He’s introduced me to family and some work friends over the years equally as I have, and I thought stupidly I had a great relationship. He would be very loving and attentive..that’s eased off to where he’s now comfortable.
I watch so many videos regarding narcissistic traits that my brain is frazzled. I think the main thing to consider is if you are posting on here, equally like me watching videos something isn’t right. Issue with my partner is that he is an avoidant, these men will lead their lives how they want to and that’s very difficult when they involve us at points. It gives us the impression that they are going to commit and do more, all that happens is we are left struggling playing a yo-yo game with our emotions. Mines done the silent treatment before I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, these men want you to pander to them and give them attention, and if you don’t this is how you are treated. I’m the past as soon as I’ve messaged he’s replied, admittedly he can wait till he’s ready further prolonging the hurt. Ao if he’s anything like mine and you were to message him now you may get a response back, I would, but I’ve just realised that I’m not chasing somebody who hasn’t got the emotional behaviour to lead an adult relationship with me. It’s extremely difficult I know it is, I’m dreading Christmas without him, hard to accept the process that somebody can be like this, sadly sometimes it takes a little while to figure it all out. Feel free to pm me.

@Shallysally

He is showing you who he is OP. Listen to that. If you were a priority in his life, he would know that you are hurting and feeling bewildered by how your relationship has ended. Irrespective of whether or not he wants the relationship anymore, he would, if he really cares about you, reflect on your last conversation and make contact just to check on you, to apologise, to say, hey, the ending of that conversation was odd, you were upset. Sorry it’s over, hope you will be ok.

That is a basic level of decency and emotional intelligence.
Please, set you standard higher. You shouldn’t be waiting around for him or any man.

Take time out, don’t drive yourself to distraction over this, easier said than done I know.

@Shallysally yeah it’s exactly that… we went from buying food shops and cooking together every day, talking about work and sharing housework and being loving and laughing and so on…and that’s how he leaves things. I know on one level why be in touch but equally I’ve never ever known anyone so callous and cold, even on the phone he was vacant really, barely said anything and it’s like he just decided I was no good anymore. It wasn’t like I’d cheated or hurt him or anything like that - I’d simply said I wanted more from the relationship and he wasn’t receptive or bothered so it caused a row. And on the back of that I was suddenly no good. That’s what hurts I think, that he’s never really opened up and said sorry this must be shit for you but I can’t do this because of… whatever it is. Maybe he met someone at work or something. None of it makes any sense to me.

Argh, stop posting the same posts about this awful man!

By now, and with all the advice you've been given on your multiple threads, you should be posting things like:

The more I think about it, the more I remember crappy signs he wasn't invested.
I'm throwing myself into my work.
I've signed up for a half marathon/other scary challenge.
I'm moving house.
I'm going out with my girlfriends again this weekend.
I've lost 5lbs and I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow into a drastic new style.
I've rearranged all the furniture in my house and I'm painting one wall bright red.

Etc.

Not "why oh why did things end with a non-committal man after 18 months if him refusing to do anything coupley at all, why whyyyy."

He just wasn't that into you. He doesn't want commitment. Now you are free to find someone better who does.

The end.

Go enjoy your LOVELY LIFE.

Read The Rules books then it'll all make sense.

[quote Nov910]@Caroetcleaners
I know I’ve replied once but I’m replying again.
My partner (I should say ex) sounds very much like yours where he’s now ended up pushing me out of things. Even though it’s only happened a couple of times I can see the bigger picture that he is very self-centred. He’s introduced me to family and some work friends over the years equally as I have, and I thought stupidly I had a great relationship. He would be very loving and attentive..that’s eased off to where he’s now comfortable.
I watch so many videos regarding narcissistic traits that my brain is frazzled. I think the main thing to consider is if you are posting on here, equally like me watching videos something isn’t right. Issue with my partner is that he is an avoidant, these men will lead their lives how they want to and that’s very difficult when they involve us at points. It gives us the impression that they are going to commit and do more, all that happens is we are left struggling playing a yo-yo game with our emotions. Mines done the silent treatment before I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, these men want you to pander to them and give them attention, and if you don’t this is how you are treated. I’m the past as soon as I’ve messaged he’s replied, admittedly he can wait till he’s ready further prolonging the hurt. Ao if he’s anything like mine and you were to message him now you may get a response back, I would, but I’ve just realised that I’m not chasing somebody who hasn’t got the emotional behaviour to lead an adult relationship with me. It’s extremely difficult I know it is, I’m dreading Christmas without him, hard to accept the process that somebody can be like this, sadly sometimes it takes a little while to figure it all out. Feel free to pm me.[/quote]
@Nov910 thanks, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds really hard I’m not sure my ex did the silent treatment as such..he just wouldn’t respond during any conversation, or it would be minimal answers. I don’t think he actually knew how to express himself, despite managing to have a good job. It was very odd.

I’ve no idea if he’s narcissistic but I do now see that he’s very very selfish. When I look back I can see that nearly everything was about his schedule. That’s not to say he wasn’t often kind and caring, but no doubt about it he came first.

He once said in an argument about time together (quality time doing nice things), that ‘I always answer all your phone calls!’ As if that was something I was supposed to be grateful for, I guess? don’t think I’ve ever said anything like that to someone, it was as if the basic things in a relationship were very hard for him or made him feel he was putting himself out.

I think he’d reply if I text, like you say with yours. But I then I wonder what’s the point? I told him I loved him and I didn’t want it to end. I’m not sure he ever cared about us. Does make me wonder if he just met someone at work, the whole thing seemed so odd, so immature.

@AlbertBridge

Argh, stop posting the same posts about this awful man!

By now, and with all the advice you've been given on your multiple threads, you should be posting things like:

The more I think about it, the more I remember crappy signs he wasn't invested.
I'm throwing myself into my work.
I've signed up for a half marathon/other scary challenge.
I'm moving house.
I'm going out with my girlfriends again this weekend.
I've lost 5lbs and I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow into a drastic new style.
I've rearranged all the furniture in my house and I'm painting one wall bright red.

Etc.

Not "why oh why did things end with a non-committal man after 18 months if him refusing to do anything coupley at all, why whyyyy."

He just wasn't that into you. He doesn't want commitment. Now you are free to find someone better who does.

The end.

Go enjoy your LOVELY LIFE.

@AlbertBridge I’m sure you meant your post kindly on one level, but if I want to post and you don’t want to see it, why not just hide the thread?

People need support for different things and for different reasons. That’s not your call to make when I should be ‘over’ thinking about it. Posting has helped and if you don’t want to hear more on it - which I would understand- then please just close and hide the thread rather than lashing out.

Go enjoy your LOVELY LIFE.

This, in spades.

Make plans, change your life up for you. We get one shot.
Move into a f him mentality, don’t go down the self torture route.

He sounds really odd op. Crying about it but not really caring enough to change or contact you. He’s got issues and isn’t into you enough. You post a lot about this , try and focus on moving on. There are genuine nice guys out there who would be proud to introduce you to everyone as they see a future with you

Look op it’s not a surprise is it?
The signs were there and it wasn’t all ‘cooking and laughing together.’ He didn’t introduce you to his family or friends. He said he couldn’t tell workmates about you. He wouldn’t make long term plans/arrangements. Also from your other threads lots of other stuff. I don’t see how your shocked? Unfortunately breakups are shit, if you keep holding this up to the light and turning it over you won’t magically have an answer, you will just get ill and bitter. Grieve and lick your wounds and then focus totally on you. I bet a large sum of money that this man is hiding something from you and I don’t get why you’d want a future with him. I’d suggest some counselling to unpick why you’d want a future with a person that made no signs of wanting a future with you?

All the best