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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore…

86 replies

Poppysmummy92 · 14/11/2021 07:25

So my husband and I have been together 6 years and have 2 children (4 and 6 months), he’s 35 and I’m 29. We both have quite a low sex drive, so having sex once or twice a month is absolutely fine for us. Obviously at the beginning we were having sex all the time, but I fell pregnant really quickly into our relationship and therefore the wild sex stopped and we never really got back there.

Just before I fell pregnant the 2nd time (18 months ago) we were getting to the point where sex was a chore and we were probably down to once a month if that but again, wasn’t a huge issue as we have busy lives and other things took priority.

The last time we had proper sex was 18 months ago when we conceived our baby…my husband’s reasoning during pregnancy to not have it was that the thought of having sex with me when I was pregnant freaked him out which is fine, and obviously I’ve been recovering for the past 6 months (DS born May 2021 and were now in November) but I was ready to start having sex again probably a few months ago and started suggesting it, to which I was met with a “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t be bothered”. We laughed about it, the fact that we couldn’t be bothered anymore but it’s actually becoming quite bad now and it’s an issue for me.

Last night I suggested for the 100th night in a row it felt like that we should have sex, my partner was resistant and said he really couldn’t be bothered. We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all.

We spoke after the awkwardness and he said he just has a bad attitude towards sex now and never wants to have it, but of course I’m thinking, well it must be me, he must not fancy me like that anymore. What man rejects a naked woman who is asking to have sex?

I’m now at the point where I feel when he does try it on with me that he’s going to be forcing himself and the whole things feels scary and awkward. Our relationship apart from that is perfect, we’re very affectionate and in love and from the outside you’d never think there was anything wrong.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you get through it?! I’m wondering whether we’re ever going to have sex again!

OP posts:

NashvilleQueen · 14/11/2021 07:34

Do you actually want sex or do you feel it's something you should be doing? Just with the mutual low sex drive thing being mentioned at the beginning.

NashvilleQueen · 14/11/2021 07:37

You can't tell him to force himself into having sex.

It's an unusual situation but I think a lot depends on your motivation for wanting sex. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to have a sex life.

Marieg1990 · 14/11/2021 07:39

I can only think there is something wrong. Young healthy men not wanting sex is extremely unusual but then you read of relationships which have died sexually. It could be he doesn't fancy you, particularly if he saw you give birth, he is gay, or cheating, or has a hormonal problem.

I've not experienced a man that doesn't want sex if it is available with a willing women

Steamedhams · 14/11/2021 07:48

Might be worth a visit to the GP. When men are having issues with sex it tends to be a physical or health problem rather than an emotional one. I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions to this but I would rule out physical issues first.

DeadoftheMoon · 14/11/2021 07:52

Gay? Asexual? Whatever his issue, you'd be a fool to accept 'no sex for the rest of your life'. You're 29, not 79. Start planning your escape.

MrzClaus · 14/11/2021 07:54

"We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all."

No wonder it was uncomfortable - you told him to disregard his wishes and feelings and just force himself to have sex with you when he didn't want to. What did you expect, a sudden burst of passion? Imagine how you'd feel if you'd lost your sex drive and he said to you "well force yourself to do it and you'll be fine", you wouldn't enjoy it either!

I think you need to give him some space - you've got no respect for his boundaries, he's allowed to not want sex. That's a discussion you should be both having at a different time, not when you've forced him to have sex with you. Let him tell you what the reasoning is, why he's feeling that way and perhaps suggest some places he can look for information/help with how he is feeling.

You've both never had a high sex drive, now you're both a bit older and have got two young children, busy life's etc it's understandable why his sex drive has changed. Only you know if it's a dealbreaker for you, but forcing him to do it when he doesn't want to isn't going to make him enjoy it again.

IWillFindYou · 14/11/2021 07:57

Well, not everybody want sex, even men.
Nothing wrong wit that.
Some have lower interest in it/are asexuals.
This, every ”healthy” person wants and must have sex narrative is very toxic and damaging.

If you are lower drive also, is it so important?
Do you wrap your self-esteem around sex?
Do you think this would be a dealbreaker?

You kind of talked like sex is just something people are supposed to do.

spotcheck · 14/11/2021 07:57

Gosh

Having very infrequent sex is one thing. Being constantly rejected is a complete other thing. That is soul destroying.

The awkwardness sounds a bit off. Does he use porn?

User3152672 · 14/11/2021 07:57

It's really inappropriate that you told him he would just have to force himself. Nobody should ever be forcing themselves to do anything when it comes to sex, and you should never have said that to him.

You don't have to accept never having sex again, but there are ways to explore how this might be addressed in a loving, supportive, unpressured way. What you did what none of those things.

IStoppedBelieving · 14/11/2021 08:00

@MrzClaus

Well to be for, that is what many men do to women. Also there is advice (mostly to women) to push yourself to have sex. Many women on MN has said that they just go along with sex with their partners.

Doesn’t make any of it right.
But that is the message we get.

Sparkletree · 14/11/2021 08:01

OP if you came on here and said you didn't want sex and your DH coerced you and told you to 'force yourself' then you'd rightly be told to LTB because it's abusive.
Relationship/sex counselling might be worth a try.

Username817391920384747 · 14/11/2021 08:03

I’m sorry what?! You told him he had to “force himself” to have sex with you? Reread what you have written here because if a woman had posted that a man had said that to her there would be uproar.

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 14/11/2021 08:04

Chill out people I’m not sexually abusing my husband Jesus 🤣 he said “I can’t really be bothered” and I said “let’s just try and see if you get into it” so we did.

I didn’t put a gun to his head don’t worry 🙂

OP posts:

Eltonsglasses · 14/11/2021 08:04

I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine.

Could you just imagine if it were him who said that to you

Sharletonz · 14/11/2021 08:08

I'm fairly sure if it was a man saying to a woman just force yourself etc... The attitude would be far different.. You should respect his decision. There's lots of things you could try, sex counselling, relationship counselling, viagra etc..
Telling him to force himself isn't the way.

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 14/11/2021 08:10

Just to reiterate I didn’t tell him to force himself, wrong use of words!

OP posts:

Username817391920384747 · 14/11/2021 08:11

No one is insinuating you are sexually abusing, but when it gets to a point where you are practically begging him to have sex with you and he is having to physically force himself to have sex with you to the point where you have to stop …… doesn’t look good does it

Goshitstricky · 14/11/2021 08:13

Ffs! All this about how abnormal he is and 'What man rejects a naked women asking for sex!'

No wonder we have a problem with toxic masculinity!

Sex is not a right, if he's happy not having it then you'll have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Don't make him out the be weird or abnormal. It's ok to not want it, it's ok to also say that it's not enough for you and to leave.

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 08:23

This is a actually quite disturbing.

Your op says you told him he needed to force himself. When it's pointed out that's absolutely wrong, you change it to 'let's just try'.

He told you he didn't want to. I get rejection is difficult, but badgering someone after they have said no isn't ok.

Then the posters saying he must be ill or gay or cheating? Is that what we say to women who go off sex? You must be gay or ill?

There absolutely could be a health reason for it. But it's not a given.

The conversation needs to be had away from you trying it on with him. Away from any pressure to see if he wants to pursue a GP visit or counselling. If he doesn't the options, are an open marriage or you accepting a sexless marriage or splitting.

Its absolutely not ok for him to try and force you to stay in a sexless marriage whe it's not what you want. But you have choices here too.

I would suggest counselling to see if you can get to why he thinks he feels like he does. Does he think there's something wrong.

Any way forward needs to be separate from times, where you are pushing for sex.

bleachedgusset · 14/11/2021 08:28

@Poppysmummy92

Chill out people I’m not sexually abusing my husband Jesus 🤣 he said “I can’t really be bothered” and I said “let’s just try and see if you get into it” so we did.

I didn’t put a gun to his head don’t worry 🙂

Hahha. My husband never wanted sex when I was pregnant either as it freaked him out and it took us a long time to find our pace again when the kids were born. He never seems that fussed about sex but once he gets going he's great, so I understand! Maybe you need a couple of nights away together where there are no distractions. Sex starts in the mind and although there's a lot of love and affection day to day (same in our marriage) sometimes being somewhere else and just hanging out together helps.

Iwonder08 · 14/11/2021 08:28

OP, ignore the nonsense about normality of not wanting sex. If it is important to you then raise it with him(not in the bedroom). Talk to him with no pushing or accusations, explain it is something you value and you are keen to understand why he doesn't want it. If he doesn't have any desire then I would go to GP. If it is tiredness /wrong timing then you can discuss how to approach it. It would be wrong to ignore your absolutely healthy desire to have sex with your own husband.

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/11/2021 08:29

Ignore the detractors, OP.

If you were in your late 50s or 60s and had been together for donkeys, I would probably accept the lack of sex as just one of those things.

But a man in his 30s who doesn't want sex with his DW? That's very strange.

My initial though was that he's getting it elsewhere or he's gay or possibly into fetish porn. Whatever his reason, you are a young woman and you have a lot of life to go to waste it in a sexless marriage.

But in the end, no-one on here can give you the reason for him refusing sex. I would suggest counselling or ending the relationship.

Original poster

Poppysmummy92 · 14/11/2021 08:30

I’d just like to add that my OH isn’t a shy retiring wallflower who waited until marriage, this is a guy who refers as himself as “top shagger”!! I think you all assume he’s this innocent party who is being pressurised everyday into sex, that really isn’t the case!

OP posts:

IknowwhatIneed · 14/11/2021 08:31

I've not experienced a man that doesn't want sex if it is available with a willing women

That’s nonsense - so many women live in sexless marriages, many men don’t want sec with their wives for a wide variety of reasons.

OP it’s not unreasonable to want to have sex in your marriage. My marriage started with lots of sex, which then dwindled and then became non-existent, my advice to you would be for you both to seek help earlier rather than later. The GP for a physical health check, and maybe psychosexual therapy at some point. I often wonder if we had sought help earlier we might not be in the place we are now, where I’m separating from my husband after a very long time of no sex.

Not being desired and wanted by your partner, sex being off the table is so utterly soul destroying in every sense of the word - it’s worth trying to fix it if possible. If he won’t seek help, or doesn’t see it as a big issue you will need to decide if you’re happy not having sex (which it sounds like you’re mot). If you’re not happy you’ll need to impress on him that this matters to you and how that might impact your relationship.

My honest advice would be to tackle it and not let it drift so far that you have no way back.

Username817391920384747 · 14/11/2021 08:34

@Poppysmummy92

If this truly is the case OP, then you need to dig deeper as to why at such a young age he has decided he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. At 29 years old with so much life ahead of you, I can see why this is distressing. It would be a dealbreaker for many people.

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