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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore…

86 replies

Poppysmummy92 · 14/11/2021 07:25

So my husband and I have been together 6 years and have 2 children (4 and 6 months), he’s 35 and I’m 29. We both have quite a low sex drive, so having sex once or twice a month is absolutely fine for us. Obviously at the beginning we were having sex all the time, but I fell pregnant really quickly into our relationship and therefore the wild sex stopped and we never really got back there.

Just before I fell pregnant the 2nd time (18 months ago) we were getting to the point where sex was a chore and we were probably down to once a month if that but again, wasn’t a huge issue as we have busy lives and other things took priority.

The last time we had proper sex was 18 months ago when we conceived our baby…my husband’s reasoning during pregnancy to not have it was that the thought of having sex with me when I was pregnant freaked him out which is fine, and obviously I’ve been recovering for the past 6 months (DS born May 2021 and were now in November) but I was ready to start having sex again probably a few months ago and started suggesting it, to which I was met with a “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t be bothered”. We laughed about it, the fact that we couldn’t be bothered anymore but it’s actually becoming quite bad now and it’s an issue for me.

Last night I suggested for the 100th night in a row it felt like that we should have sex, my partner was resistant and said he really couldn’t be bothered. We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all.

We spoke after the awkwardness and he said he just has a bad attitude towards sex now and never wants to have it, but of course I’m thinking, well it must be me, he must not fancy me like that anymore. What man rejects a naked woman who is asking to have sex?

I’m now at the point where I feel when he does try it on with me that he’s going to be forcing himself and the whole things feels scary and awkward. Our relationship apart from that is perfect, we’re very affectionate and in love and from the outside you’d never think there was anything wrong.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you get through it?! I’m wondering whether we’re ever going to have sex again!

OP posts:
FabulousMrFifty · 14/11/2021 19:59

Not read the entire thread, Do you if is is getting morning erections.

Could he suffering from lower than expected T levels for someone of his age ?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

Bobbypin55 · 30/03/2024 04:27

This is what myself and my husband are going through atm, I’m 30 and he’s 33.
Does he work crazy hours? If my hubby has been working a lot that can affect our sex life!
I would definitely suggest booking a hotel out of town if you have a reliable babysitter? It sounds like you need time to be yourselves and not mummy and daddy.
Or even just a meal out for a couple of hours just to regain yourselves as a couple! Good luck I hope you both sort things out in that department.

Hope this helps. Some of the comments in here are awful it doesn’t mean your OH is gay or ill it’s actually pretty normal to lose sex life but you can easily rebuild it and spice up your relationship.

Bobbypin55 · 30/03/2024 04:30

SunflowerTed · 14/11/2021 10:20

@Nyxly

This is a actually quite disturbing.

Your op says you told him he needed to force himself. When it's pointed out that's absolutely wrong, you change it to 'let's just try'.

He told you he didn't want to. I get rejection is difficult, but badgering someone after they have said no isn't ok.

Then the posters saying he must be ill or gay or cheating? Is that what we say to women who go off sex? You must be gay or ill?

There absolutely could be a health reason for it. But it's not a given.

The conversation needs to be had away from you trying it on with him. Away from any pressure to see if he wants to pursue a GP visit or counselling. If he doesn't the options, are an open marriage or you accepting a sexless marriage or splitting.

Its absolutely not ok for him to try and force you to stay in a sexless marriage whe it's not what you want. But you have choices here too.

I would suggest counselling to see if you can get to why he thinks he feels like he does. Does he think there's something wrong.

Any way forward needs to be separate from times, where you are pushing for sex.

The OP says she used the wrong choice of words. She probably said it in a jokey way. Give her a break and try and be kind. We don’t all live our lives by a law manual

She’s just someone whose looking for help what a nasty comment, love spreads love

Namechangeforthisonly10 · 30/03/2024 08:25

This is a zombie thread although it would be nice to hear back from @Poppysmummy92 how things went?

Original poster
Poppysmummy92 · 30/03/2024 10:03

Some of the comments on this are wild!

I can report that myself and my non gay husband are still happily together 🤣

We have both realised we find it hard to get in the mood in our home environment, with young children there’s always just something on your mind or something more important to focus on. We however have had lots of good times when we’re away from the children on weekends or nights away as we’re in a completely different mindset.

So it’s ok! We’ll have our time again with an active sex life, it’s fine that this is not the time. We’re both happy and comfortable with how we work as a couple and look forward to a few years time when we can be at it like rabbits again 😅

Thanks for all the constructive messages and I hope this comment has helped someone who stumbles across this thread!

OP posts:
Bobbypin55 · 30/03/2024 10:08

Poppysmummy92 · 30/03/2024 10:03

Some of the comments on this are wild!

I can report that myself and my non gay husband are still happily together 🤣

We have both realised we find it hard to get in the mood in our home environment, with young children there’s always just something on your mind or something more important to focus on. We however have had lots of good times when we’re away from the children on weekends or nights away as we’re in a completely different mindset.

So it’s ok! We’ll have our time again with an active sex life, it’s fine that this is not the time. We’re both happy and comfortable with how we work as a couple and look forward to a few years time when we can be at it like rabbits again 😅

Thanks for all the constructive messages and I hope this comment has helped someone who stumbles across this thread!

I’m so glad you’ve both been able to sit down and sort things, yeah the comments are disgusting people clearly don’t know how to help or give advice in a kind manner! Ridiculous comments!
honestly though it’s more normal than you think there’s a few forums similar to this one!

K8ate · 30/03/2024 15:18

IStoppedBelieving · 14/11/2021 08:00

@MrzClaus

"We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all."

No wonder it was uncomfortable - you told him to disregard his wishes and feelings and just force himself to have sex with you when he didn't want to. What did you expect, a sudden burst of passion? Imagine how you'd feel if you'd lost your sex drive and he said to you "well force yourself to do it and you'll be fine", you wouldn't enjoy it either!

I think you need to give him some space - you've got no respect for his boundaries, he's allowed to not want sex. That's a discussion you should be both having at a different time, not when you've forced him to have sex with you. Let him tell you what the reasoning is, why he's feeling that way and perhaps suggest some places he can look for information/help with how he is feeling.

You've both never had a high sex drive, now you're both a bit older and have got two young children, busy life's etc it's understandable why his sex drive has changed. Only you know if it's a dealbreaker for you, but forcing him to do it when he doesn't want to isn't going to make him enjoy it again.

Well to be for, that is what many men do to women. Also there is advice (mostly to women) to push yourself to have sex. Many women on MN has said that they just go along with sex with their partners.

Doesn’t make any of it right.
But that is the message we get.

So are you saying he should or shouldn’t just go along with it as you didn’t actually say.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 18/07/2024 10:09

Sexless relationships are a thing... people live with it.

Scoobydoo1 · 15/02/2025 18:08

Sexless marriage. When we first me like many we had sex often and then with the kids this filtered to once a month. For some time it then extended more like 2/3 times a year. Now we haven’t had sex for over a year and every time we plan something, like go away (without kids) or date night he is eager tells me everything he is going to do etc etc and then boom. My neck hurts, my knee hurts or something else and won’t happen. I’m sick of being rejected!

LoveLifeBeHappy · 26/02/2025 20:42

Scoobydoo1 · 15/02/2025 18:08

Sexless marriage. When we first me like many we had sex often and then with the kids this filtered to once a month. For some time it then extended more like 2/3 times a year. Now we haven’t had sex for over a year and every time we plan something, like go away (without kids) or date night he is eager tells me everything he is going to do etc etc and then boom. My neck hurts, my knee hurts or something else and won’t happen. I’m sick of being rejected!

Having children changes everything. You're exhausted, overworked, and juggling a thousand tasks. For parents with young children and full-time jobs, sex naturally moves down the list of priorities.

Honestly, I’d rather get a good night’s sleep.

Over time, one partner gets used to being rejected and eventually stops trying. Before you know it, they no longer crave sex and start filling the void with other things. It just becomes awkward.

AlexandrinaH · 27/02/2025 00:41

LoveLifeBeHappy · 18/07/2024 10:09

Sexless relationships are a thing... people live with it.

But they don’t have to.

Thank you for updating, OP. It’s good to see you are happy.

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