Husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore…

[Poppysmummy92]

So my husband and I have been together 6 years and have 2 children (4 and 6 months), he’s 35 and I’m 29. We both have quite a low sex drive, so having sex once or twice a month is absolutely fine for us. Obviously at the beginning we were having sex all the time, but I fell pregnant really quickly into our relationship and therefore the wild sex stopped and we never really got back there.

Just before I fell pregnant the 2nd time (18 months ago) we were getting to the point where sex was a chore and we were probably down to once a month if that but again, wasn’t a huge issue as we have busy lives and other things took priority.

The last time we had proper sex was 18 months ago when we conceived our baby…my husband’s reasoning during pregnancy to not have it was that the thought of having sex with me when I was pregnant freaked him out which is fine, and obviously I’ve been recovering for the past 6 months (DS born May 2021 and were now in November) but I was ready to start having sex again probably a few months ago and started suggesting it, to which I was met with a “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t be bothered”. We laughed about it, the fact that we couldn’t be bothered anymore but it’s actually becoming quite bad now and it’s an issue for me.

Last night I suggested for the 100th night in a row it felt like that we should have sex, my partner was resistant and said he really couldn’t be bothered. We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all.

We spoke after the awkwardness and he said he just has a bad attitude towards sex now and never wants to have it, but of course I’m thinking, well it must be me, he must not fancy me like that anymore. What man rejects a naked woman who is asking to have sex?

I’m now at the point where I feel when he does try it on with me that he’s going to be forcing himself and the whole things feels scary and awkward. Our relationship apart from that is perfect, we’re very affectionate and in love and from the outside you’d never think there was anything wrong.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you get through it?! I’m wondering whether we’re ever going to have sex again!

Thoughts:
1 How did you ask? Its strange IMO to ask for sex it's better if you just start kissing and naturally progress
2 You say both of you have low sex drives and that's standard for you but do you think it's possible you just never really fancied one another hugely?

Not everyody wants or likes sex.
That’s totally okey. Nothing wrong with that.
No need to go shaming them.

Is this a dealbreaker for you?
I mean, you van’t go on and keep pestering him for sex.
That is not right.

For many people, men and women, once they’ve had their children they go off sex (ie the urge to have sex is linked to reproduction and when thats been fulfilled the desire goes). Perhaps that’s what’s going on here? If you’ve both always had low sex drives anyway it’s only going to get worse as you both get older. It depends whether you can accept and live with that or not.

@SunshineInMyTea
That's a bit simplistic isnt it? It's not totally okay to marry someone under the pretense of enjoying sex only to withdraw sex after marriage without in depth discussion

Couple of things -

We’ve spoken loads about the lack of sex, it’s not a new thing and we’ve both said we need to make more of an effort. So I’ve been doing that and making more effort but he hasn’t. When I asked last night what puts him off he said it’s hard work and it feels like someone asking him to run a 5k

I’ve tried to naturally start things but he just laughs and thinks it’s abit of banter when I try act “sexual” so it stops it in its tracks. It’s gone past the point of it happening naturally so I have to ask “do you want a blowjob?” Very romantic I know!!

Physically we’re both fine. We’ve both put on abit of weight but nothing major and nothing I would think would stop us from having sex.

Me personally I still feel sexually attracted to him and always have. I can’t speak for him but there was a time where he couldn’t keep his hands off me and he’s still very kissy and cuddly, more so than me.

He has said as a joke (I think) that because of the weight gain and me not looking like I did when I was 23 anymore after 2 kids he doesn’t look at me and want to rip my clothes off. Take this sentence with a pinch of salt it’s not as bad as jt sounds. But still, I’m a very normal size 12 person, surely this wouldn’t be the route cause as I’m sure you don’t have to be a size 8 to be sexually attractive.

I can stay in a relationship that has less sex, ie once a month. But I can’t stay in one that’s sexless no.

How do you do his comments about your body/ weight as anything but an insult or out and out nastiness?!

[quote JollyJoon]@SunshineInMyTea
That's a bit simplistic isnt it? It's not totally okay to marry someone under the pretense of enjoying sex only to withdraw sex after marriage without in depth discussion[/quote]
Simplistic?
No, not at all.

People change.

OP didn’t say that the husband has married in false pretense.
Marriage isin’t some torture chamber, where you are forced to have sex.
That’s illegal.

I think it’s probably going to take some counselling to fix this. Sex has become an “issue” for you both. I suspect it will damage you relationship in the long run if it doesn’t get resolved one way or the other. It’s ok saying “we can have a sexless relationship” but only if both parties are totally happy with that. You aren’t happy, so would he be willing to find out what’s going wrong?

Your op says you told him he needed to force himself. When it's pointed out that's absolutely wrong, you change it to 'let's just try'.

Exactly! You can tell someone they need to force themselves to have sex ffs. Sometimes people go off sex, whether that's because he's not attracted to you anymore, or he just doesn't want sex at all doesn't matter, you you leave him if you're not happy, or try counselling, but you can't tell him to force himself!

Just read your update and he sounds a bit..
Unpleasant? It almost sounds like he has contempt for you IMO. It sounds like he has the control in this dynamic and you should get back the upper hand. In your situation I would open a conversation about wanting an open marriage and see where the discussion takes you

Forgat to take the @ out, I realise the question wasn’t for me.

My first thought would be he’s getting sex elsewhere.

He has said as a joke (I think) that because of the weight gain and me not looking like I did when I was 23 anymore after 2 kids he doesn’t look at me and want to rip my clothes off. Take this sentence with a pinch of salt it’s not as bad as jt sounds. But still, I’m a very normal size 12 person, surely this wouldn’t be the route cause as I’m sure you don’t have to be a size 8 to be sexually attractive.

To some men there are very rigid mold the women have to fit to be attractive to them.

You’re also younger than him, pretty young when you met.
Maybe you ”aged out”.

I’m not being mean.
It’s just some men want very young(looking), very slim….etc looking women.
I’ll just leave it at that.

He’s definitely not getting it elsewhere, he works from home so we’re together 24/7. Unless he’s meeting someone else in the 20 min trip to the shop to grab some milk he doesn’t go anywhere really unless it’s with me or the kids!

I think therapy might be a good shout everyone who has suggested it….funnily enough there’s a sex therapist who has started up near us I saw flyers the other day. Maybe I’ll get him some sessions for Christmas!

@OuchWhatWasThat

He has said as a joke (I think) that because of the weight gain and me not looking like I did when I was 23 anymore after 2 kids he doesn’t look at me and want to rip my clothes off. Take this sentence with a pinch of salt it’s not as bad as jt sounds. But still, I’m a very normal size 12 person, surely this wouldn’t be the route cause as I’m sure you don’t have to be a size 8 to be sexually attractive.

To some men there are very rigid mold the women have to fit to be attractive to them.

You’re also younger than him, pretty young when you met.
Maybe you ”aged out”.

I’m not being mean.
It’s just some men want very young(looking), very slim….etc looking women.
I’ll just leave it at that.

Yep I’ve heard that a lot of times before as well. It’s very narrow minded of them but it’s certainly a thing.

@IStoppedBelieving
Nobody said marriage was a torture chamber and he is forced to have sex that's you projecting.
Marriage does involve looking after your partner though, and sexual fulfillment is important to most people along with the validation it brings. Nobody expects her DH to have sex with her but I expect him to have an open conversation in which he tells her exactly how hes feeling and options like an open marriage or him pleasuring her are discussed. I also dont expect him to make snide comments about the state of his wife's body.

I really really don’t want to make him out to be awful as he’s not he’s a wonderful husband and dad…but I think I agree!! I always remember when we first met that he said I ticked the boxes for him as he was looking for someone abit curvier and who had meat on their bones (I was a size 10) at the time. I remember thinking blimey if he thinks I’m curvy at a slim size 10 then I’ve got no hope when I’m older.

I really don’t want to think the reason behind him not wanting to have sex with me anymore is because I’m now 1 dress size bigger than normal as that’s very worrying. But if it is that, how on earth do I get round that! I don’t think he’d ever admit it was that either, he always tells me I’m pretty and sexy etc but you just never know….

I’d be thinking he is either getting it elsewhere or else he has got too used to porn/wanking.

I’d be very, very disappointed by the comments about you not looking like you did when you were 23 - why is that necessary to say to you? It’s essentially negging you - for what end? To make you doubt yourself?

The banter being used around any sexual activity also sounds like a derailing tactic - or at the very least, incredibly immature and what you’d expect to see/hear on The Inbetweeners or something

Well he doesnt sound like the worst man in the world but if my DP said "because of the weight gain and me not looking like I did when I was 23 anymore after 2 kids he doesn’t look at me and want to rip my clothes off" I would be really really hurt.

To add, hearing that he’s said things like ‘liking more meat on bones’ and that he’s a ‘top shagger’ makes him sound like a cringeworthy ‘lad’. 🙄

[quote JollyJoon]@IStoppedBelieving
Nobody said marriage was a torture chamber and he is forced to have sex that's you projecting.
Marriage does involve looking after your partner though, and sexual fulfillment is important to most people along with the validation it brings. Nobody expects her DH to have sex with her but I expect him to have an open conversation in which he tells her exactly how hes feeling and options like an open marriage or him pleasuring her are discussed. I also dont expect him to make snide comments about the state of his wife's body.[/quote]
Alright.

Bit if one doesn’t want it then that’s about it.
”Looking after” your partner also includes bodily autonomy, pushing someone, anyone, to have sex is a horrible thing to do.
Having sex you don’t want is soul crushing.
Many know that this is a dealbreaker, so he could be just sad to know this could be end of marriage.
Person can truly and deeple be in love with someone and not want sex and them to just leave because that is a huge blow.

Children definitely change relationships also so do habits

If you had got into habit of not having sex because of children and the stresses and exhaustion that brings it might be hard for him to get out of that mind set

I think you need to step back and perhaps at night just give him a cuddle for a while and make that a habit for a bit

Show him a bit more affection in and out of the bedroom

Basically take it very slowly but don't make a issue out of it and with time hopefully that becomes more your normal and slowly sex will creep back in

I wouldn't panic OP I'd say what your going through it perfectly normal within some relationships after children

As the kids get older your old relationship with your husband will slowly start to come back x

This may be connected to you having children. Did he watch the birth?
Some men just can’t see to switch that sexual switch back on after that and see you as a wife and mother but not as a lover.

It is likely to need counselling to try to undo that.

I second everyone who suggested some counselling / sexual therapy. In addition it’s always worth getting a blood test to check his hormone levels etc - just to rule out anything physical.

As it seems to have started and declined around having kids, then it’s logical to start there: that parenting may have really done a number on his libido. Keeping up a healthy sex life with little ones is HARD - you’re basically permanently exhausted. But what’s obviously more concerning is that he seems to have lost desire for it completely. I’m sure that’s more common than we think, you just don’t tend to hear about it. But he has to be willing to, not only attend but to put the work in, to actually want things to improve.

What’s not OK here is his comments on your youth or body. I know you say to take it with a pinch of salt - but no. That’s not a joke and it’s not funny. To say that to your wife, mother of your children and someone you love is beyond the pale. Based on that I would be taking this relationship one very careful step at a time.