Husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore…

[Poppysmummy92]

So my husband and I have been together 6 years and have 2 children (4 and 6 months), he’s 35 and I’m 29. We both have quite a low sex drive, so having sex once or twice a month is absolutely fine for us. Obviously at the beginning we were having sex all the time, but I fell pregnant really quickly into our relationship and therefore the wild sex stopped and we never really got back there.

Just before I fell pregnant the 2nd time (18 months ago) we were getting to the point where sex was a chore and we were probably down to once a month if that but again, wasn’t a huge issue as we have busy lives and other things took priority.

The last time we had proper sex was 18 months ago when we conceived our baby…my husband’s reasoning during pregnancy to not have it was that the thought of having sex with me when I was pregnant freaked him out which is fine, and obviously I’ve been recovering for the past 6 months (DS born May 2021 and were now in November) but I was ready to start having sex again probably a few months ago and started suggesting it, to which I was met with a “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t be bothered”. We laughed about it, the fact that we couldn’t be bothered anymore but it’s actually becoming quite bad now and it’s an issue for me.

Last night I suggested for the 100th night in a row it felt like that we should have sex, my partner was resistant and said he really couldn’t be bothered. We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all.

We spoke after the awkwardness and he said he just has a bad attitude towards sex now and never wants to have it, but of course I’m thinking, well it must be me, he must not fancy me like that anymore. What man rejects a naked woman who is asking to have sex?

I’m now at the point where I feel when he does try it on with me that he’s going to be forcing himself and the whole things feels scary and awkward. Our relationship apart from that is perfect, we’re very affectionate and in love and from the outside you’d never think there was anything wrong.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you get through it?! I’m wondering whether we’re ever going to have sex again!

We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine.

Really? You said that? You pressured him that much?! No wonder it was shit. Not really acceptable and if he feels pressured you won't get anywhere, that isn't how it works.

Just read your later clarification.

I think a serious chat is needed and you can actually buy self help books for this but both of you need to be ready. Sometimes it's just having young kids that destroys sex!

It's pretty common for men to go off sex in a long term relationship. A sex therapist told my friend that around a third of their clients who've lost their sex drive are men. Viagra doesn't restore desire and doesn't help if you don't want sex; it just helps with the mechanics if a man wants sex but has erectile dysfunction.

You may find this current Sexless marriage thread helpful.

This Relationship Doctor article on preventing a sexless relationship is useful too - the podcast is worth a listen and is only 10 minutes or so.

I think you were sensible to talk about making an effort to have sex even if he didn't fancy it as, from what you've said about your relationship, it sounds like you talk frankly and with a bit of banter. Only you know the way it was really said and meant. Sometimes a couple can get out of the habit of having sex, but with a bit of effort can restart it - the podcast talks about this and the sex therapist discusses some possible interventions.

@User3152672

It's really inappropriate that you told him he would just have to force himself. Nobody should ever be forcing themselves to do anything when it comes to sex, and you should never have said that to him.

You don't have to accept never having sex again, but there are ways to explore how this might be addressed in a loving, supportive, unpressured way. What you did what none of those things.

Very Harsh

@Nyxly

This is a actually quite disturbing.

Your op says you told him he needed to force himself. When it's pointed out that's absolutely wrong, you change it to 'let's just try'.

He told you he didn't want to. I get rejection is difficult, but badgering someone after they have said no isn't ok.

Then the posters saying he must be ill or gay or cheating? Is that what we say to women who go off sex? You must be gay or ill?

There absolutely could be a health reason for it. But it's not a given.

The conversation needs to be had away from you trying it on with him. Away from any pressure to see if he wants to pursue a GP visit or counselling. If he doesn't the options, are an open marriage or you accepting a sexless marriage or splitting.

Its absolutely not ok for him to try and force you to stay in a sexless marriage whe it's not what you want. But you have choices here too.

I would suggest counselling to see if you can get to why he thinks he feels like he does. Does he think there's something wrong.

Any way forward needs to be separate from times, where you are pushing for sex.

The OP says she used the wrong choice of words. She probably said it in a jokey way. Give her a break and try and be kind. We don’t all live our lives by a law manual

I feel for OP getting all these comments! Clearly she didn't mean she wanted him to force himself to sex with her. Wow. Read her comments.

I'm totally bemused by him stating that he's 'Top Shagger'.

Have you tried asking him whether he's still interested in sex in general?

What even is a top shagger?? Ew. And he's more like a ghost shagger or crap shagger. And what he said about you is completely not on and would turn me off.

I wouldn't continue a relationship where I had to beg for sex and be told he couldn't be bothered or be insulted about my looks.

He's either asexual, gay, not attracted to you, into some other stuff or something. But you're a healthy young woman and should be in a relationship with someone who wants you and desires you.

Right, based on your updates...I'll ask again.
Does he watch a lot of porn?

Could you not go back to basics? Lie in bed together. Touch each other. As in hugs, nice tickles etc. And build up to foreplay, over time maybe.

Do you ever go out together? Dress up. Take each out and learn to fancy each other again. Away from the shackles/day to day stuff, which can take over. Auto pilot.. Groundhog Day even.

We spoke and I said that it was betting abit silly now and he’ll just have to force himself as once he gets into it he’ll be fine. So he gave in and OMG it was shocking, awkward and we stopped after a few minutes as it was just so uncomfortable and not enjoyable at all. I could tell he didn’t want to and he wasn’t into it at all

He'll just have to force himself????

Why are you 'omg' about the fact that it was shocking and awkward. I don't think he could have made it any clearer that he didn't want to have sex, yet you brought it up for 100 nights in a row (figure of speech I'm assuming but I'm guessing it was a lot).

What does he enjoy in bed? Are you affectionate and flirty with each other outside of the bedroom? As in, do you speak or tough each other in a sensual or sexual way that doesn't always lead to sex? The window to do that might be a lot smaller with kids around though. What does he do for a living? Anything particularly stressful or tiring? How are things in the relationship outside the bedroom.

Unless you want to pressure your husband into sex, which would be bad for both of you, you may need to accept that his sex drive is lower than yours or that sex in this relationship is finished for him. How often would he have sex if it were now up to him?

Touch each other*

I agree that it's very weird he would call himself a 'top shagger'; he's not even a mediocre shagger, it's been 18 months.

There's definitely something else going on here. Maybe he's desensitised himself with porn, maybe he watched you give birth and now you're just 'mum' to him, maybe he is shallow and wants to shag 23 year olds for the rest of his life instead of growing up. Whatever it is, you're only 29, your sex life shouldn't be dead in the water at this stage.

Hes just not that into you. Sorry op.
You have 2 choices...1, stay and accept a sex less relationship or 2, leave and move on.
I know which id choose.

I don't think it's you, it sounds to me as if he's just not really into sex. Some people aren't.
I have a zero sex drive and just went along with it to try and save my marriage. But after the menopause I could no longer keep up the pretence, I really loved my husband and wanted to stay married but he left not surprisingly.
He wanted it every night.
Some people just don't need sex. its up to you what you do about it.

Does he do any exercise at all? You mention his comment about sex being like a 5K run & mention him only leaving the house to fetch milk.

Does he run? Go to the gym? Is it as simple as he really is unfit?

Some exercise, as well as being essential for his health would help to improve his sex drive.

I don't think he's got a healthy attitude towards sex anyway. Sounds like some sort of Madonna/Whore complex - sexy young woman, fine, but not up for a MILF. I suspect since he's seen you as a mother he can't see you in a sexual way. This is his issue, maybe you can see something in his relationship with his own mother that is unusual in his childhood? It could be deep-seated. You think neither of you have a high sex drive, but you say you were at it lots before you got pregnant. Now he has switched off, at some point he may switch back on, but it might not be for you unfortunately. I'd say he needs the counseling to unpick this.

I think men/husbands not wanting sex is extremely common and that women/wives have been blamed for lack of sex drive, frigidity etc since forever. It is certainly raised almost every day as an issue on MN.

He calls himself a top shagger?
of what?

Having read the whole thread it doesn’t sound like there is much you can do to improve your situation. If he gets hard and wanks, he has got a sex drive. He has basically said that he only gets off on young, slim women, or have I got that wrong? Some people have a type and that’s that. If you decide to split or have an open marriage you will find that there are many, many men that would love to have sex with you. Decide if you can live in a sexless marriage (you don’t have to rush into a decision). Good luck.

Would he be happy with opening up your relationship so you could have a fwb once a month?

This resonates. It does sound like he could be one of those men who prefer very slim women and even the slightest weight gain might make you less attractive in his eyes? I've experienced one of those. It always made me slightly dubious as to why he liked me very, very slim. I wondered if he was attracted to a more 'boyish' figure, or to the 'young' figure. Either is not good when you're looking at a long-term, mature relationship.

I hope I'm wrong in your case.

I think some sex therapy or counselling would help you both here. Also, from a man's point of view there are some frightening attitudes to male sexuality on display in this thread. Men only go off sex for physical reasons?! He must be gay if he doesn't want to have sex?! Astonishing