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Original poster

This is odd, isn't it?

109 replies

mycatisannoying · 12/11/2021 16:58

I've recently had a couple of dates with a guy I met online. It was going fairly well, and he certainly makes an effort, although his over-keenness was a slight red flag at the back of my mind. I'm an experienced online dater - and have strict boundaries - so I know the signs. Still, it was very early days, and I was happy to just take it easy and see how it went. He's good company.
He has just messaged me with a photo of a Christmas present to himself, which was some nice clothing. In the background of the photograph/room, I saw a woman's high heel shoe. Or actually, more like a heeled strappy sandal, the likes of which you probably wouldn't buy here at this time of year. Now I do know he's single, as he lives close to me. And they're not for his own usage, as he's big built and they'd never fit in a million years!

I jokingly questioned it, and he said that he's sending them as a special request to a female friend overseas (he lived in the same country for years). He bought them, I think, although I could be wrong on that. I guess it is possible that she's an ex who visited and left them behind.

I just feel slightly weirded out by this. Sending a woman shoes (and it was just the one, in the photo) seems like overstepping to me, but I don't know if OLD has made me naturally cynical. Or if I'm feeling this way because my spidey senses had been slightly tingling already.

What would you make of it? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 00:41

Oh, he was bothered alright! There was a lot more to the message than that.
But yes, there was an oddness to him for sure. It just took me two dates to realise that it wasn't just endearing quirkiness. Could have been worse I guess!
To be fair, he had previously mentioned this Oz woman with whom he exchanges gifts. I think she was 'the one who got away'.
Still bloody odd though!

Thanks again everyone. I have really enjoyed reading your perspectives Star

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 13/11/2021 01:07

Just the oddest situation! ‘She loves her heels from Next’ - just whaaaat? I’d bin a new guy off for that alone. He’s gone out shopping an old flame…. Fuck that.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 01:10

I know! I could almost understand if it were Louboutins! Wink

OP posts:
Sattherelikealemon · 13/11/2021 01:14

No sod that if there was love bombing. Also sending heels to an ex is a bit over the line for me. Plus yeah, Next?! Not being funny but does anyone love Next gear that much?

JollyJoon · 13/11/2021 06:12

Loving heels from Next? "She loves her Primark knitwear" 🤭

girlmom21 · 13/11/2021 07:34

Ouch - that's gonna be an expensive parcel to send!

strawberrysummer19 · 13/11/2021 07:41

@mycatisannoying firstly what strange couple of comments you have received from some - you've come on here asking advice girl to girl and some people have said your the one being strange?!

Away my thoughts are that the shoes have been left form someone that's been over
I bet there's another shoe next to it somewhere and he hasn't tidied up

I wouldn't say it's completely done but just be wary. Like you say you've only had a couple of dates and haven't been there yet but he's definitely had someone over IMO

His response may have been a lie but as if he's going so say the truth and risk you not wanting to see him anymore

I guess you'll never know the truth but sending to a friend overseas ? Don't think so!

Guess time will tell? X

Suprima · 13/11/2021 07:47

@peridito

important to be able to tune in to how we feel at any given moment. What do we want/need? What are our boundaries? This is a good way to navigate our way through life, being true to ourselves and what we want etc no disagreement with that .

I think the aspect that concerns me is that you meet someone ,things seem fine but you have some doubts .And you are certain you are right to have those doubts because your gut instinct has kicked in .Your doubts might be misplaced,further investigation and talking would be my way to go .

As for "binning" another human being after two dates because you're not a 100% convinced by him/her and believe you might do better ...words fail me .

I wonder why we bother with trials and juries ,surely two meetings between someone with developed spidey senses and job done .

Two dates! Two dates!!

Women don’t owe anyone anything

If something is off, it’s off- onto the next.

Women do not need to stay with men if they do not want to.

sandy354 · 13/11/2021 07:50

Something is definitely off. Even sending a package to "an old flame" would be a red flag to me.

However....I think the shoe looks new - shoes from next don't typically come in a box. Also, am I the one that thinks the other shoe could be right next to it and we just can't see it

Best case, he's being honest but even then he sounds weird so after 2 dates I'd be running a mile

Libelula21 · 13/11/2021 08:20

There’s absolutely no reason for the shoes to not be still in the box.

That’s as much as I would have expected for Christmas from my late partner, and I’d never have expected him to send me all that halfway round the world. He’d have sent me an e-voucher!

And my late partner would have struggled to be comfortable with ‘an old frame’ sending that halfway round the world to me.

Still, maybe it’s just the way he is. Does he lovebomb everybody, for ever?

peridito · 13/11/2021 08:27

Personally I think his explanation sounds believable .It's a jokey thoughtful present from someone who's very messy .

But I'd certainly be concerned about his apparent ongoing feelings for an ex .

As for women not owing anyone anything and on to the next ...of course you shouldn't feel you have to stay with someone but the description sounds so brutal .I hope the execution is kinder than the description ,it's another human being in the equation not a coat .
Courtesy if not kindness should surely be "owed" .

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 08:37

Perdito, we have parted on good terms, as we're practically neighbours after all.
So no need to worry about him, hey ... Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 08:39

And a pair of high heel shoes isn't a jokey gift. I'm sorry, but your judgement seems off with this whole thing.
You're the only one who doesn't find his behaviour odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 08:43

Oh, and he is adamant that he is going to leave a Christmas present for me by my door.
I pointed out to him that this wasn't appropriate in the circumstances, but he is 100% going to ignore my boundary. I already know it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 08:44

He has already bought it, which is odd enough in itself after two dates. And extremely presumptuous.

OP posts:
Greyeverywhere · 13/11/2021 08:44

@Almostmenopausal

Maybe I am as I've been messed about a lot however he'd been telling me about how he hadn't even looked at another woman for months and months. There were other red flags too tbh

IndecentCakes · 13/11/2021 08:57

I would not want a relationship with someone who bought shoes for their ex, quite an intimate gift, really. And clearly he's spending over £100 on all this, No 7 is fairly expensive and then you have the postage.
No idea about the 'explanation'. Does sound weirdly worded and surely you can buy Ian Rankin's works, along with some of the other stuff too, in Australia or order from Amazon?

TheFoundations · 13/11/2021 09:00

People have simply suggested that OP exit the relationship, @peridito. Nobody has mentioned how, or how much kindness should be involved.

Sounds like those 'spidey senses' were worth listening to and respecting after all, OP. Sounds like you're definitely better off moving on from this one.

Getbehindme · 13/11/2021 09:01

@TheFoundations

Spidey senses don't get piqued in healthy relationships, regardless of who is right or wrong. You don't stay with someone when you feel you can't trust them, even if the fact is that you can. Feelings are the priority. If you put being right as the priority, you end up with someone who's good for you on paper, but that you potentially feel bad to be around.
I do love your posts The Foundations. One thing I wonder though, if you don't mind me asking - what if all your feelings have been impacted by a previous relationship. So my b trust was betrayed, it's plausible that I'm going to feel uneasy about a lot of things going into another relationship.

Now, I'm not ready for that at all, so I know I have to continue working on this but it's still likely to crop up no matter what work I put in.

So your responses are great, but seem so absolute that I don't think there's space for this grey area.

Sorry for the derail OP.

FWIW you've probably done the right thing. His response is plausible but it seems like hard with. I hope you get to see the full parcel!

MamDancer · 13/11/2021 09:06

Clearly Sydney is a barren wilderness with no shoe shops, book shops or internet access.

TheFoundations · 13/11/2021 09:14

@Getbehindme

Yes, it's a funny one, isn't it. But whatever you feel, you still have to respect the feelings. You might be super sensitive to signs of anger if you've been in a relationship with somebody who got violent. You might be sensitive to it even if the other person is just pissed off because it took them half an hour to find a parking space. But if you're sensitive to it, you're sensitive to it. Whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. The key is to not throw yourself into the path of things that upset you. So, if you meet someone highly strung and you're sensitive to anger, that's incompatibility. Nobody has done anything wrong, and everybody is being true to themselves, but it's just not a good idea to be close to that person, and you'd need to look for someone a bit more bovine in their temperament.

It's the same with anything; if you're scared of frogs, don't live in a house by a pond. The frogs aren't doing anything wrong, they're just not good for you, personally, to be around.

If the same thing bothers you in every partner (everybody seems too angry for you to deal with, for example), that's the time to look to yourself, and perhaps talk to a professional. But if it's a one off thing, like OP's situation, then trusting your own instincts is the healthiest thing to do.

And yes, I am pretty absolute about it, because putting up with feeling uncomfortable because you think that you're 'wrong' to be uncomfortable is simply... uncomfortable! And nobody should allow an ongoing feeling of 'uncomfortable' in their life. We all need to be responsible for only putting ourselves in comfortable places, as much as we can, as often as we can.

I'm sorry for the derail too, OP. I was directly asked, and I think it's relevant to some of the posts on the thread, if not your specific situation.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 09:22

No problem at all! I'm glad my post has opened up some discussion, and if it's helpful to folks then so much the better!

@TheFoundations for all that we have got off on the wrong foot, I do absolutely agree with you about instinct and the importance of listening to it. For what it's worth!

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 13/11/2021 09:36

In the picture it looked like one shoe on a white shoe box so I assumed it was like that to take a picture.
His explanation didn't sound strage to me either. Yes she could buy her own shoes but that's not really the point of a pressie is it. The point is to buy things someone would like then wrap/send them. So I didn't think the gift choices or message from him as particularly strange at all.
Although now youve ended it it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. As you say you did what you wanted you were having doubts before shoegate so that's that.

TheFoundations · 13/11/2021 09:45

@mycatisannoying

I appreciate you saying so. I probably wasn't phrasing it very well to start with; I have very strong feelings on the subject!

Monalotmoore · 13/11/2021 09:48

@mycatisannoying

He has already bought it, which is odd enough in itself after two dates. And extremely presumptuous.
A pair of black strappy sandals by any chance? lol