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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is odd, isn't it?

109 replies

mycatisannoying · 12/11/2021 16:58

I've recently had a couple of dates with a guy I met online. It was going fairly well, and he certainly makes an effort, although his over-keenness was a slight red flag at the back of my mind. I'm an experienced online dater - and have strict boundaries - so I know the signs. Still, it was very early days, and I was happy to just take it easy and see how it went. He's good company.
He has just messaged me with a photo of a Christmas present to himself, which was some nice clothing. In the background of the photograph/room, I saw a woman's high heel shoe. Or actually, more like a heeled strappy sandal, the likes of which you probably wouldn't buy here at this time of year. Now I do know he's single, as he lives close to me. And they're not for his own usage, as he's big built and they'd never fit in a million years!

I jokingly questioned it, and he said that he's sending them as a special request to a female friend overseas (he lived in the same country for years). He bought them, I think, although I could be wrong on that. I guess it is possible that she's an ex who visited and left them behind.

I just feel slightly weirded out by this. Sending a woman shoes (and it was just the one, in the photo) seems like overstepping to me, but I don't know if OLD has made me naturally cynical. Or if I'm feeling this way because my spidey senses had been slightly tingling already.

What would you make of it? Confused

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 12/11/2021 21:22

@peridito

TheFoundations might be an idea for you to have a look at why you think "spidey senses" are to be relied on and the implications of doing so .
Because they are our true feelings; a representation of what's going on for us at any given moment. The implications are that you allow yourself to be who you really are, you develop self confidence and self respect, and have a happier life as a result.

I spent a while in counselling after an abusive relationship, and I learned why not relying on spidey senses is a bad idea. They're like signposts; ignore them at your peril.

Libelula21 · 12/11/2021 21:38

I deeply regret not trusting my spidey senses in the past. I remember driving away from my future ex’s house, in the very early days of dating, and I involuntarily spoke to myself, addressing myself by name: “No. No, X. Don’t do this.”

I continued into the relationship and it was one of the most stupid decisions I’ve ever made.

Sattherelikealemon · 12/11/2021 21:39

I had a thread regarding dating and boundaries and a good piece of advice was to run my suspicions past a 3rd party before reacting. So that is what the OP is doing. He's offered a semi-plausible excuse and she wants to see if others think it sounds like toss. What's wrong with that?

OP, I know it's tough in these early stages when something comes up that raises a flag but it you're not 100% certain it's not innocent so don't want to chuck something away that could be good, but it's awkward to keep asking. I totally understand you asking MN on this one.

However, sorry but I'm not sure why he would be sending those to Sydney? I'd have thought they were easy enough to get there, or order online for a present, they don't look to be particularly special shoes. Did he give a reason why his friend had asked for those ones from here?

Also, I agree, I'd have thought they'd be still in the box or bag, not strewn around.

Learning from a recent mistake of mine, where I let something boundary related stew until I blew up and there was actually an explanation, I might give him a call and ask outright 'Steve, I know it's very early days but we have said we were exclusive. Not accusing you of anything but it's a bit unusual that you have one woman's shoe on a pile of paperwork in your house rather than in a box to send. Would you be able to let me know what's happening there, please?'. If you're not satisfied with the outcome, fine, go with your gut but at least you've laid out your full concern. He might show you the box wrapped up with a postage label to Australia on.

TheFoundations · 12/11/2021 21:43

He's offered a semi-plausible excuse and she wants to see if others think it sounds like toss. What's wrong with that

If someone you've been dating 3 minutes offers a semi plausible excuse for questionable behaviour, you don't get into a relationship with them. There shouldn't even be questionable behaviour at this stage. And if OP isn't sure if it's questionable or not, that means she's questioning it.

Lilolily · 12/11/2021 21:45

Post the photo!

BruiserWoods · 12/11/2021 21:47

I think you were supposed to see the shoe. He wanted to know if you'd trip over yourself to be cool girl or whether you would gaslight yourself for him that he's not up to something that would turn you off.

EllenBrody73 · 12/11/2021 21:51

I've been chatting to a guy online for a couple of weeks, arranged a date, he then asked if I wore heels and what size feet I had? I guess he may have a foot fetish!

NewlyGranny · 12/11/2021 21:51

Trophy, fetish or gf/wife with stuff all over the house. Must be one of those - that's not waiting to be wrapped and sent!

Monalotmoore · 12/11/2021 21:53

@Lilolily

Post the photo!
See page 1.
Sexytimeusername · 12/11/2021 21:54

@mycatisannoying

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. We both described our approach to dating as monogamous. I dunno. It just seems strange to me. The shoe was lying in its own on top of some paperwork.
Did you believe that?
peridito · 12/11/2021 22:00

TheFoundations - I'm glad that counselling helped you .I don't want to minimise your experiences but I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that going with your "spidey senses" /?gut instinct will allow yourself to be who you really are, develop self confidence and self respect, and have a happier life as a result
But I don't ,in the first instance think "spidey senses" *are our true feelings; a representation of what's going on for us at any given moment^
In my book they could be tingling because someone has misinterpreted something ,allowed preconceived ideas to dominate etc .
Not to say that a gut response is always an incorrect one ,just that it's not necessarily one that has anything to support it .

TheFoundations · 12/11/2021 22:07

@peridito

We disagree. Not to worry.

MaeveDidIt · 12/11/2021 22:19

He’s not a very good liar, plus he’s a bit thick to include it in the photo.

Ignore the brow beater OP.

me4real · 12/11/2021 22:26

@peridito It's arguably important to be able to tune in to how we feel at any given moment. What do we want/need? What are our boundaries? This is a good way to navigate our way through life, being true to ourselves and what we want etc.

Women's feelings are minimized/dismissed when they can be very useful in protecting us.

The thing is that after just a couple of dates someone has nothing to lose by binning a bloke if they have doubts and everything to gain from binning quickly if he shows signs that he might turn out to be some sort of bad'un. On to the next.

Constellationstation · 12/11/2021 22:30

It seems so bizarre, why is a lone shoe just living amongst some paperwork like that. It doesn’t look like someone’s kicked it off and it doesn’t look like he’s about to send them anywhere. I think it’s a red flag, but I don’t know what it all means!

peridito · 12/11/2021 22:39

important to be able to tune in to how we feel at any given moment. What do we want/need? What are our boundaries? This is a good way to navigate our way through life, being true to ourselves and what we want etc no disagreement with that .

I think the aspect that concerns me is that you meet someone ,things seem fine but you have some doubts .And you are certain you are right to have those doubts because your gut instinct has kicked in .Your doubts might be misplaced,further investigation and talking would be my way to go .

As for "binning" another human being after two dates because you're not a 100% convinced by him/her and believe you might do better ...words fail me .

I wonder why we bother with trials and juries ,surely two meetings between someone with developed spidey senses and job done .

TheFoundations · 12/11/2021 22:46

Spidey senses don't get piqued in healthy relationships, regardless of who is right or wrong. You don't stay with someone when you feel you can't trust them, even if the fact is that you can. Feelings are the priority. If you put being right as the priority, you end up with someone who's good for you on paper, but that you potentially feel bad to be around.

Greyeverywhere · 12/11/2021 22:53

I would definitely be suspicious of this.
I had someone who I was talking to for a long time send me a screenshot of his phone where my photo was used as his screensaver (he was apparabtly showing me how important I was to him and that he wasn't interested in any other woman) only he forgot to delete his tinder and pof app icons off the front page screen. So clearly he was talking to or dating other women!

me4real · 12/11/2021 23:09

As for "binning" another human being after two dates because you're not a 100% convinced by him/her and believe you might do better ...words fail me .

You know I just mean not seeing them again/dumping. I don't owe some random bloke I've met twice anything.

Almostmenopausal · 12/11/2021 23:16

@Greyeverywhere

I would definitely be suspicious of this. I had someone who I was talking to for a long time send me a screenshot of his phone where my photo was used as his screensaver (he was apparabtly showing me how important I was to him and that he wasn't interested in any other woman) only he forgot to delete his tinder and pof app icons off the front page screen. So clearly he was talking to or dating other women!
I kept my POF app on my phone for a while into my last relationship. I never went on to it I just forgot to delete it 🤷🏼‍♀️ You sound ever so slightly paranoid....
mycatisannoying · 13/11/2021 00:06

Look, as explained in my OP, there were other red flags. Lovebombing in general being the main one. I was already having niggles before the shoe!
I have ended things now. Here's his explanation. I don't know if it's plausible or not, but what's done is done. I have made the right decision for me, which I generally always do.

So I think you have doubts because of a pair of high heels. Tomorrow they go in a Christmas parcel with the latest Ian Rankin, two packs of After Eights and variety of Boots no 7 to an old flame in sydney; we always swap pressies and she loves her heels from Next, just in time for the Summer party season.

OP posts:
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 13/11/2021 00:13

Who does he live with? Wife? Girlfriend?

me4real · 13/11/2021 00:16

It's also kind of goady of him to talk about an 'old flame' when you are dumping him.

@mycatisannoying As there've been other red flags you've definitely done the right thing. x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 00:21

It's also kind of goady of him to talk about an 'old flame' when you are dumping him.

Exactly what I thought! Bleurgh. Bullet dodged.

Pascal80 · 13/11/2021 00:36

@mycatisannoying

Look, as explained in my OP, there were other red flags. Lovebombing in general being the main one. I was already having niggles before the shoe! I have ended things now. Here's his explanation. I don't know if it's plausible or not, but what's done is done. I have made the right decision for me, which I generally always do.

So I think you have doubts because of a pair of high heels. Tomorrow they go in a Christmas parcel with the latest Ian Rankin, two packs of After Eights and variety of Boots no 7 to an old flame in sydney; we always swap pressies and she loves her heels from Next, just in time for the Summer party season.

Hi language is very odd. A man starting a sentence with ''So'' (shudder). ''She loves her heels from Next'' - what man talks like that?

I would guess by the things he is buying he is late forties to mid fifties. What man would buy Boots no 7 to post to the other side of the world, and how would he know what no 7 make-up to choose? It's not great stuff anyway. Next is just a chain store and is online in Australia like it is here. I will cost him a bomb to send that stuff to Australia. Very odd man tbh and if that's his explanation after being dumped, he doesn't sound the least bit bothered.