Argument with bf - am I catastrophising?

[hothead323]

I've been with my bf for 7 months, he is 32 and I am 31. We have different personalities - I am more outgoing and sociable whereas he is more reserved and quiet. This has worked well for us so far as we balance each other out.

I am quite opinionated and we don't necessarily agree on everything, and that's ok - we are all entitled to our opinion and it's ok to agree to disagree.

The thing is, where I am quite opinionated and passionate about certain topics and he is sensitive, he can perceive me as being angry when I'm not. This happened during a phone call this evening - we disagreed on an issue, I stated why I think differently to him etc, he thought my tone was angry and took offence. I wasn't angry, but him thinking that I was angry MADE me angry because i didn't feel I had given him any reason to feel this way and I feel like we should be able to have a grown up debate without it becoming such a big thing. We sort of resolved the issue via whatsapp (with me instigating this - he just said 'forget about it') by agreeing that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other - I need to calm down and chill out a bit and he needs to not take everything so personally - but I'm now awake and questioning everything. I am hoping this is only a slight incompatibility that we can overcome as everything else in the relationship is good, but I am a big worrier and hate conflict and now I'm worried it could be the end of the relationship.

I am due to see him on Saturday night but this whole exchange has left me feeling very uncomfortable (as I said, I hate conflict) and I am considering suggesting to him that I pop over this evening (Friday) just for 30 mins for a quick chat and to clear the air.

What do you think?

Opinionated and passionate, or are you trying to convince him you're right.

I detest when people try and 'debate' when actually they are trying to convince others that they are right. It's really really patronising.

Sounds like he is a sensitive flower who doesn't like opinionated women or interesting conversation. I'd find it irritating to say the least

No, just providing evidence that supports my opinion and why I disagree with his. As I said, it's ok for us to disagree.

In any case, what do you think I should do going forward? Message to ask if I can pop over tonight or leave it? I hate this uncomfortable feeling that is lingering now and would like to clear the air asap.

@rattlemehearties

Sounds like he is a sensitive flower who doesn't like opinionated women or interesting conversation. I'd find it irritating to say the least

I should probably take some responsibility too - I definitely think he could do with getting a grip and not being so sensitive but I could probably say things in a nicer way/tone.

@fallfallfall er how is me expressing my opinion bullying? And surely if I was a bully I wouldn't want to make things right now? As I stated in mu OP 'we don't necessarily agree on everything, and that's ok - we are all entitled to our opinion and it's ok to agree to disagree' - do those sound like the words of a bully?

Perhaps he doesn't want to debate things?
Some people are more likely to want to, bit it can get a bit wearing, tbh.

@CatonMat he was the one that brought the (controversial) topic up, not me.

What do you think I should do going forward? Suggest going over tonight for a chat and to clear the air or leave it?

But trying to change someone's opinion can sometimes come across as thinking yourself superior.

I used to date someone who was very bright, very eloquent, and loved to debate. But underneath it was the assertion that he was smarter. He liked to use his intelligence and his ' passionate opinions' to beat people with.

Some people don't want to have to defend their opinions. Why should they? Someone trying to poke holes in others opinions is basically saying that they are too thick to think it through, but luckily you can show them the error of his ways.

Yeech

yes actually it does. sorry it's really tiresome to deal with people like you.
meet someone else who likes to "debate".

you want to make up now because you know you crossed the line.

@spotcheck just because your ex was like that, it doesn't mean I am. As I said, it is ok to disagree.

@fallfallfall thanks for your input

Why not ask him if you can have a chat on the phone, maybe?
You could clear the air and hopefully put it behind you.

I've met lots like my ex.

Some people are observers. They have opinions, and are interested in other people's opinions, but have no wish to defend or debate.

You're opinionated. 'I am just Providing evidence that supports my opinion' - yikes, sounds draining, he probably wants a good chat and laughter, not supporting every sentence with Harvard style references.

Many people don't like to debate. I do a lot of that at work, I don't want to do that with friends; I want a light hearted s conversation.

Hm regarding going over tonight ... He will probably think you're going to go over to explain 'why you were right' and he just wants an easy life. Are you guys talking now or is there some awkwardness in the air?

I already posted but I'm intrigued by the other replies. Ultimately you're incompatible. It's okay to enjoy debate and intelligent discussion. But he obviously doesn't enjoy it. Find someone who does and appreciates your chat.

Well, to answer your question, you have to consider his feelings. You "popping over" could come across too aggressive. I'd leave it until Saturday but keep up the normal level of conversation in the meantime. If you "pop over" you're turning it into a bigger deal than you're claiming it is.

That said, you said you're "passionate and opinionated" about certain topics. Most people are, but not everyone goes around debating topics all the time.

You stating your reasons for disagreeing isn't "agreeing to disagree", it's putting your point forward and can come across as trying to bully the person into agreeing with you.

A better tactic is to say "Mmm, well, I'm not sure I agree with that. We can talk about why if you like otherwise lets talk about something else".

I have a friend who I disagree with on a lot of topics. We just don't discuss those topics because we know they get heated or upset the other person. THAT'S agreeing to disagree, we both know where we stand on certain topics, and neither person is expressing why "they're right" because you're entitled to your opinion just as I am to mine.

In fact.. sometimes one or the other of us will laugh and say "nope, not going there!" and we move on.

And argue all night.

Hating conflict and being confidently opinionated are somewhat at odds with each other..

Is everything always a debate with you? Sounds exhausting, and quite the opposite of someone who claims they hate confrontation.

You sound like hard work honestly

Personally I would just leave it and agree to disagree

@CatonMat he phones every night anyway and when we ended the conversation he said he would call me tonight. I always think that talking things over face-to-face is best?

@laurenGame It wouldn't be to convince him of my opinion - that conversation is over. It would just be to clear the air. I don't think there's any awkwardness - the text conversation ended with him saying 'it is likely there is a bit of both of us in this', me agreeing and asking to disagree and move on, him saying 'i think that is best' and us both saying goodnight. I suppose I would just like to see him to make sure everything really is resolved - communicating via message isn't ideal.

@sykadelic yes, I think you are right - we need to learn to leave these topics alone. It's still reasonably early in the relationship and we are still getting to know each other and how to deal with these things...if he doesn't want to dump me after tonight!

@Aquamarine1029 no not everything is a debate with me but I will state if I fundamentally disagree with someone on issues such as gay people, finding programmes/films that poke fun at disabled people funny, racism etc.

Message to ask if I can pop over tonight or leave it? I hate this uncomfortable feeling that is lingering now and would like to clear the air asap.

This is actually the most important sentence in the whole thread to me, this feeling of urgency to 'deal with this' because you can't sit with the discomfort of you and him having different feelings about something.

You also say you're a big worrier and hate conflict. This is a sign of an anxious personality, whereas he sounds like he's more of an avoidant personality ("let's just forget about it"). Ultimately that is an incompatibility, but it's not an unsolvable one if both of you are willing/able to recognise your own tendencies and work through issues in a peaceful way.

But you can't work through issues in a peaceful way if you're all worked up. So calling him to meet a day early is a terrible idea. It will make him feel pressured and add more drama to everything on your end.

The best thing to do would be for you to use the extra day to first do something pleasant for yourself that takes your mind off the problem and will help you get into a more relaxed state - take a bath then watch a funny movie or whatever you like to do. When you feel calmer, you can consider how to talk to him about your feelings in a way that is open and interested in his feelings too.

If you don't think there's any way you can stop thinking about this and waiting an extra day to talk to him will make you even more frantic, that's actually a sign that you have a real anxiety issue that probably needs discussing with a professional.

@CheekyHobson yes you are absolutely right - I do have an anxious personality and that is why I am finding this all so uncomfortable. I wouldn't say my bf is avoidant - probably more secure. He definitely doesn't feel the need to resolve things as quickly as I do though - he is able to take his time to think about things. The anxious part of me really just wants to go round to his to see him to get reassurance I suppose. We have agreed to disagree, move on and I have apologised. so I suppose there's not much more I can do? Sitting in this anxiety is torturous though.

Oh, just seen this.

the text conversation ended with him saying 'it is likely there is a bit of both of us in this', me agreeing and asking to disagree and move on, him saying 'i think that is best' and us both saying goodnight. I suppose I would just like to see him to make sure everything really is resolved

Yep, he acknowledged that you're both different and there's a bit of both of you in the conflict. That's good. You agreed and said can we agree to disagree. That's also good. He said yep, that's best and you both said goodnight. So you both took a bit of responsibility and moved on. It's resolved.

You now wanting to "check" whether it's really resolved is your anxiety kicking in.

There's no need to phone him and have another discussion about something you already agreed, unless you are not happy with the agreement already made. So, ask yourself, do I actually want something other than to agree to disagree? Do I actually want him to say that he's thought about what I said and he reckons I'm right?

If he's relaxed and happy to see you when you meet up, that's your sign that everything is resolved for him.