Argument with bf - am I catastrophising?

[hothead323]

I've been with my bf for 7 months, he is 32 and I am 31. We have different personalities - I am more outgoing and sociable whereas he is more reserved and quiet. This has worked well for us so far as we balance each other out.

I am quite opinionated and we don't necessarily agree on everything, and that's ok - we are all entitled to our opinion and it's ok to agree to disagree.

The thing is, where I am quite opinionated and passionate about certain topics and he is sensitive, he can perceive me as being angry when I'm not. This happened during a phone call this evening - we disagreed on an issue, I stated why I think differently to him etc, he thought my tone was angry and took offence. I wasn't angry, but him thinking that I was angry MADE me angry because i didn't feel I had given him any reason to feel this way and I feel like we should be able to have a grown up debate without it becoming such a big thing. We sort of resolved the issue via whatsapp (with me instigating this - he just said 'forget about it') by agreeing that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other - I need to calm down and chill out a bit and he needs to not take everything so personally - but I'm now awake and questioning everything. I am hoping this is only a slight incompatibility that we can overcome as everything else in the relationship is good, but I am a big worrier and hate conflict and now I'm worried it could be the end of the relationship.

I am due to see him on Saturday night but this whole exchange has left me feeling very uncomfortable (as I said, I hate conflict) and I am considering suggesting to him that I pop over this evening (Friday) just for 30 mins for a quick chat and to clear the air.

What do you think?

@CheekyHobson thank you so much for rationalising with me, understanding me and talking me down. I actually feel a bit teary because you have been so kind and understanding. I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to reply

@CheekyHobson seeing him would only be seeking extra reassurance that we are ok - nothing to do with getting him to agree with my opinion. I haven't been anxious so far in this relationship but I suppose attachment styles only get activated when difficulties arise.

So I suppose there's not much more I can do? Sitting in this anxiety is torturous though.

Oh, yes, sitting in anxiety can be torturous! It's because your nervous system is highly activated and you have a whole lot of nervous energy whizzing around your body so you feel like you need to DO something (and the something is NOT to call him!) to burn it off or calm yourself down.

You know yourself best... do you like to run? Swim? Dance? Do something to release energy? Or would you rather try to calm your body down through chilling - have a bath, take a peaceful walk while listening to music, watch a funny movie? Whatever sounds like the MOST appealing thing. Do it now. That's self-care, and it's really important (and usually neglected) for people who have anxiety.

@CheekyHobson thank you

thank you so much for rationalising with me, understanding me and talking me down. I actually feel a bit teary because you have been so kind and understanding. I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to reply

You are so welcome, ask me how I know what you needed LOL

@CheekyHobson haha you have my utmost respect for being able to manage your anxious attachment style - it is such a curse! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[quote hothead323]@CheekyHobson seeing him would only be seeking extra reassurance that we are ok - nothing to do with getting him to agree with my opinion. I haven't been anxious so far in this relationship but I suppose attachment styles only get activated when difficulties arise.[/quote]
But he said it's all fine and you going over in person to 'clear the air' just doesn't paint you in a cool mode.

It sounds like it's ended well and he there's no tension, which is great. What will you exactly say on Friday night ? Just not a good idea I don't think.

I understand the anxiety and I had something similar when started going out with DP.
We had an argument and next day we were nice to each other, I went back to my house and didn't hear from him all day (unusual).
It was awful and I wanted to call and clear the air etc as my anxiety was worrying me (I really really liked him) but I knew how it would come across.
So I went for a run and he messaged me in the evening and we saw each other and that was it Sometimes it is best just to move on and it's not worth going on and on about some disagreement.

@laurenGame I don't have a 'cool mode' haha. Thank you, I don't think I will suggest going over now I have read yours and CheekyHobon's replies. I'm glad you were able to work things out with your DP. I (in a moment of anxiety) sent him a message apologising for my part in the argument as I realised I hadn't actually said sorry, this is after we said goodnight. Totally not cool mode, right?! But I did want to apologise and ackowledge his feelings. Ugh I hope that hasn't messed things up.

However, i will leave him alone now and wait for him to contact me.

,I wouldn't be messenging him, or popping over, you are being irritating about the way you view all things, as though you are some counsellor. Its a relatively new relationship that you are in, and you may well spoil it,if you keep pushing things,that you wan't done your way,

Some sensible people can get on fine, despite being of different temperaments, other don't fare well, if they don't stop and think about the different ways of people..

haha you have my utmost respect for being able to manage your anxious attachment style - it is such a curse! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

@hothead323
I know you said 'curse' flippantly but it truly can feel like something that someone else did put on you and you have zero control over, but it's really, really not!

You can get to understand where the anxiety came from, change your thinking and brain patterning and learn how to form secure attachments. Through the power of your own intelligence and willpower, you can kill the witch who cast that curse, because she only lives inside your brain.

I don't manage my anxious attachment, because it's gone. But I can recognise it when I see it in someone else right away :-)

@1forAll74

,I wouldn't be messenging him, or popping over, you are being irritating about the way you view all things, as though you are some counsellor. Its a relatively new relationship that you are in, and you may well spoil it,if you keep pushing things,that you wan't done your way,

Some sensible people can get on fine, despite being of different temperaments, other don't fare well, if they don't stop and think about the different ways of people..

Can you explain what you mean? I am just trying to make things better

@CheekyHobson

haha you have my utmost respect for being able to manage your anxious attachment style - it is such a curse! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

@hothead323
I know you said 'curse' flippantly but it truly can feel like something that someone else did put on you and you have zero control over, but it's really, really not!

You can get to understand where the anxiety came from, change your thinking and brain patterning and learn how to form secure attachments. Through the power of your own intelligence and willpower, you can kill the witch who cast that curse, because she only lives inside your brain.

I don't manage my anxious attachment, because it's gone. But I can recognise it when I see it in someone else right away :-)

Clearly I have a lot to learn...believe it or not I actually used to be worse than this! I do have some way to go though, definitely.

[quote hothead323]@CheekyHobson yes you are absolutely right - I do have an anxious personality and that is why I am finding this all so uncomfortable. I wouldn't say my bf is avoidant - probably more secure. He definitely doesn't feel the need to resolve things as quickly as I do though - he is able to take his time to think about things. The anxious part of me really just wants to go round to his to see him to get reassurance I suppose. We have agreed to disagree, move on and I have apologised. so I suppose there's not much more I can do? Sitting in this anxiety is torturous though.[/quote]
See I really wouldn't go dashing over tonight it adds unnecessary drama and I don't think will help. He's more likely to think you're hard work and it's just not working.

I wasn't angry, but him thinking that I was angry MADE me angry because i didn't feel I had given him any reason to feel this way

This is the part where you crossed the line into being unreasonable, IMHO. Clearly something you said or did made him perceive that you were angry. That doesn't mean that his perception was correct, or that you were wrong to say/do whatever it was. But this can only be solved by better communication, and angrily telling him "You're wrong!" when he says you seem angry isn't accomplishing anything positive. If he's perceiving you as angry when you aren't, and that perception bothers you, then that's something you'll need to address jointly. You can't just shout him down and expect anything good to come of it.

@PurpleOkapi thank you for your advice. How would you suggest going about addressing him thinking I'm angry when I'm not jointly?

I like to debate, I'm very opinionated and like to discuss things. If there is a difference of opinion I like to argue it out with logic, reason and facts and like you like to be proved wrong and can accept I'm wrong or my thinking is off, but I'm not going to lay down. I find it fun, interesting and a entertaining to argue. Some don't and some will see you as opinionated, think you are right when sometimes maybe you just want to be proved you're wrong.

You might just have to understand you are not going to get this from your boyfriend and seek it elsewhere. I have a friend who says he just doesn't argue with his wife, he won't do it. I'd find this infuriating.

My ex would also accuse me of shouting when I wasn't, she wasn't allowed to voice her concerns growing up, neither was the mum or kids. It was the dads way only.

You look at our family and the way we communicate she thinks we are arguing and shouting at each other but it's just verbal sparring with lots of gesticulating.

Either realise you're not going to get this from him and don't bother even entering into a debate or argument as he's not interested or realise he's just not for you because for me I would find it unattractive. I need to have that debate / argument at times. Especially when somebody says something I completely disagree with.

If you don't mind me asking what was the debate about?

Well, you could start by calmly asking him why he thought you were angry. Maybe because your tone was animated, or you were talking fast, or you said something that could be perceived as insulting to whomever you were disagreeing with. Now, this absolutely doesn't mean that you need to stop doing whatever made him think that. But at least you can have a conversation about it. You'll know that doing that thing makes him think you're angry when you're not, and he'll know that you doing that thing doesn't necessarily mean you're angry. That's more information than either of you has about the other right now.

Though I think at this point, you should leave it go for a while. Definitely don't turn up just to discuss it.

Yes i was going to ask what the debate was about...

If he randomly stated something really controversial that you felt you really had to defend (you mentioned gay and disabled people in one of your posts?) Then its reasonable to a certain extent, but if said something like 'asda is better than tesco' or 'sean connery was a better bond than pierce brosnan' and you turned it into a debate and went at him with 'evidence' to back up your opinion, then that would be pretty tiring for him.

What sort of things are you arguing about? Because if it’s stuff that will potentially affect parenting decisions / decisions if you live together I’d just walk away to be honest as you aren’t compatible.

I would leave it, but I would also be more mindful of how I spoke to him in the future. Also, a big red flag in your post is you saying he MADE you angry. Being angry and how you portray that is a CHOICE, you are an adult, no one makes you do anything. Your anxiety about this suggests that on some level, you know you went too far. Perhaps have a look for some books/advice on anger management and communication skills?

I don't think you balance each other out , I think he's just been too scared to speak up until now .
You both need to find like minded partners.

Op i also have an anxious attachment style which is much better now and a passion for debate. In the early days me and my partner had similar issues, hes a lot more laid back and it took a while for me to realise that some people really don't view 'debate' in the same terms I did. Its partly because once I get into a topic I'm passionate about i stop 'feeling' and start going into a cooly rational mode. I barely stop for a second to hear how someone else might be feeling. I listen to their counter argument and pick holes if I see them. In reality I should just join a debating society. After a few of these and me realising he would shrink back afterwards i asked, and he told me it felt patronising, cold, and sometimes contemptuous. It doesn't mean I am those things, im not, i can handle the same in return and just feel energised by a good debate, but that's sort of irrelevant if the person you love feels like its an assault on the senses.

I don't do that any more, if we get into a big topic, I will take a position on it but less like a dog with a bone. If it seems we can't agree, we agree to disagree and thats the end of it.

As for anxious. Yep I also fretted why it felt unresolved and wanted to resolve ASAP. Thats also changed

I echo the advice to not reopen what has happened especially if you are going to add in opinions about your respective psychologies. Which would involve a lot of judgement by you about him and for your part come across as minimising your own behaviour.

For a lot of people red flags start waving about people who describe themselves as opinionated and passionate these days. We all have opinions you are not special in that respect. Passionate means you are going to vocalise and promote your POV and become upset or animated when someone doesn’t agree with it. Which is why you ended up debating or in his eyes arguing. Whether your are debating or arguing you need to learn to stop when someone tells you that they don’t want to play. He told you that and you went on. That’s berating someone and disrespecting boundaries.

Another red flag is someone who becomes angry and then excuses that as being anxiety. Or uses anxiety as a reason to push another person into something they don’t want to do. In this case go over with you what happened. He has told you he doesn’t want to do that. And you aren’t respecting it.

You are feeling anxious because you should. You know he didn’t like the way the discussion went and that he didn’t like your anger when he asked you to stop. It’s put your relationship at risk. You are worried he is seeing you in a new light and it’s not compatible with who he is.