Why am I such a fucking idiot

[Mug101]

I'm not feeling sorry for myself but how has my life got to this. I do everything, everything, but it's never good enough.

Today I went back to work after some time off sick, it felt good to be back. Been up since 6am got LO ready and sent to breakfast club, got into work for 8. I finished at 1, got home got the bathroom and it absolutely stank and there was water around the bottom opened the lid and it was full of OHs shit that he didnt flush (he does this all the time), had to clean it as I needed to go. Next batch cooked lunch and dinner for 2 days, cleaned and vacuumed the whole place, cleared the leaves front the front garden,plus loads more chores then showered up and went and got LO from nursery. Got back changed and fed him, OH got up, ate what I made didn bother asking me about my first day back, he was just then glued to his phone on tiktok even when LO was there right in front of him he didnt bother with him. He then got ready after a bit to go work and as he was leaving came towards me his nose leaked blood all over my hair and clothes, he lied and said no but he did so I had to shower again.

OH came back from night shit at 7.30am and briefly saw him as me and LO were leaving this morning. He usually showers, eats, then sleeps till he has to go work again, Usually 11pm. This is what he does all the time . He went to his second job at 5pm and finished at 10pm. Came back ate took a shit , I briefly asked him about getting the toilet fixed as I noticed it leaking since yesterday. He replied 'what do you want me to do about it?' It just pissed me off so bad, I do everything when I ask for help with the smallest of things its made to be like I asked for the fucking world. So then I dont bother asking him. Everything falls to me, and I feel like I'm breaking down. I didnt actually sit down for a proper rest till 9pm today.Even during my sickness I was doing everything, there was no rest for me. I'm just drained and need some help but have no one to ask.

OH will use work as a reason to get away with doing stuff. When I ask a simple question it's always I'm tired or I've just come back from work or just what are you starting something. I can never ask him for anything, cz it's made it to such a big deal.

Your partner’s behaviour is grim, disrespectful and lazy.

Is that the example you want to set your child?

You and your child deserve better.

I have been there. STOP stressing. the small stuff that's how I survived family life, it's Your life as well. Why oh why did you clear the leaves!!!

Sending love and a hand hold

Who Op WHO are you trying to please? He isn't bothered. Look after yourself and your child then everything else is bollocks isn't it?

Your life would be, at a minimum, 50% easier without him. He does nothing for you. Get rid of the disgusting, filthy slob.

This is going to sound odd but do you have OCD? I say that because I’m very familiar with it and read it between the lines of your text. Please don’t anyone be offended.

You don’t get any extra brownie points soft being a martyr. Your life sounds grim

@Arabelladrinkstea thank you. I needed that and a hug

OP why do you do so many chores? Do they all absolutely have to be done.

As much as your OH doesn't sound that supportive in fairness a job from 5-10pm and night shift (second job) to 7.30am basically leaves him very little time to sleep and get any downtime & night shifts also mess up your sleeping pattern etc.

Do you have any support? Sometimes it's better to just retain your sanity and leave the house a bit messy? Can you get a cleaner once a month to help?

He's going to hate his custody days.

Why doesn't he flush the toilet?

@Aquamarine1029

Your life would be, at a minimum, 50% easier without him. He does nothing for you. Get rid of the disgusting, filthy slob.

This is a bit harsh! He works 12-13 hours / day, that's pretty gruelling.

Sounds like lots of the tasks OP is doing are optional. For example, on a day I'm batch cooking, I wouldn't clear leaves & clean the whole house on the same day?

The house doesn't need to cleaned every day. I touch up bathrooms and kitchen every other day, but other rooms generally don't need doing every single day. Same with vacuuming. I'd rather live with dust than stress like OP is 😩

@Disabrie22 no not offended. Thank you for highlighting this. I dont have OCD as far as I'm aware. I hate feeling dirty or unclean or being around mess especially in my own house. I do vaccume most days and clean kitchen and toilet everyday, spray and clean often throughout the day. I hate the idea of people thinking I'm dirty or unclean, not that I get any visitor as I dont have many people in my life. However I have a routine in my head and a timeframe that I need to aim to get things cleaned by. The house i live in quite an old house and needs TLC but we dont have the funds so I try to keep it homely by keeping it clean and habitable.

@pansypotter123 I have no idea, I've spoken to him about this so many times and even had arguments but he still does it. I dont get how you can forget to flush your shit

That cleaning routine sounds a little rigid and controlling.

@daffodils123

OP why do you do so many chores? Do they all absolutely have to be done.

As much as your OH doesn't sound that supportive in fairness a job from 5-10pm and night shift (second job) to 7.30am basically leaves him very little time to sleep and get any downtime & night shifts also mess up your sleeping pattern etc.

Do you have any support? Sometimes it's better to just retain your sanity and leave the house a bit messy? Can you get a cleaner once a month to help?

He still has a life and managed to go to the gym. He chooses to spend any spare time he has tiktok sleeping or every so often gym. I don't get the time for this because when I ask him to keep LO it's never the right time for him. He chooses to do that second job, so I dont bother him

Gross, he sounds vile 🤢

I did the leaves because there was so much as we were coming back from nursery that LO had been slipping on the leaves as he tried to climb up the steps. I had asked OH once before to do it he hasnt bothered, just like the kitchen drain that's been blocked over a month, with crap that he doesnt scrap into the bin. I've explained this before and have even spent ages gagging and cleaning the outside drain numerous times but just doesn't do anything.

So you as a household don’t ‘need’ him to have a second job? He’s doing it just to get away OP?

Does he bring any joy, friendship, support, or happiness to your life or your child's? It does not sound like it at all.

@DartmoorChef . No he doesn't, I plan everything I have to make the fun even when I'm not enjoying myself I have to pretend. I had to even pay for my birthday night away which he said was his treat but still hasn't paid me back.

I'm 34 and like to think I behave and act my age. OH on the other hand is 36 but has the mental age of a 13year old. I struggle to have an adult conversation with him. Infact having conversations about topics where we have a difference of opinion always leads to him sulking and creating a hostile environment.

What is his excuse for not flushing

You have to both sit down and go through what needs doing. He should at the very least flush the toilet.

However, you work 5 hours so have a few hours a day to do normal house stuff. Hoovering every day is excessive and completely unnecessary for example. There isn't that much stuff to do when there is just the 3 of you and one of them is mostly out or asleep. Cleaning the house once a week from top to bottom is ample and a little sweep in the kitchen when it needs it. The other places can surely not get that dirty every day?

Call a plumber to fix stuff. Work out why he needs two jobs and if so can you get some help?

If you insist on hoovering every day then get an irobot that you can set when you're at work. Batch cooking is good and it means you don't have to cook every day.

Regarding the rest of your relationship..if you can't even converse...

You need to bin him off.
The level of respect this man has for you is not even cleaning his own shit literally.

You will have more time, a clean home and a break on his contact days with your child. Why the hell are you still here what does this useless sack of shit bring you. I've had one of these and trust me when I lay in Mt clean bed at night or go to my lovely clean toilet and have the freedom to go more places and do things because of set contact days. And when I check my bank account I'm so pleased that I ditched the biggest thing that weighted me down. You deserve a life too remember this you are not just a partner and a mother you are a person. You design your life. Now change it

It sounds like you don't like him much. To be honest in marriage when you have a mis match in cleanliness standards it will cause problems. Either accept it and do what you need to do or kick off about it and live with constant fighting or separate.

It sounds like your DH works alot of hours, two jobs and night shifts are tough.

You will NEVER be satisfied by how much your DH contributes so either accept that or leave. Leopards and people rarely change their spots.