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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I such a fucking idiot

76 replies

Mug101 · 11/11/2021 23:28

I'm not feeling sorry for myself but how has my life got to this. I do everything, everything, but it's never good enough.

Today I went back to work after some time off sick, it felt good to be back. Been up since 6am got LO ready and sent to breakfast club, got into work for 8. I finished at 1, got home got the bathroom and it absolutely stank and there was water around the bottom opened the lid and it was full of OHs shit that he didnt flush (he does this all the time), had to clean it as I needed to go. Next batch cooked lunch and dinner for 2 days, cleaned and vacuumed the whole place, cleared the leaves front the front garden,plus loads more chores then showered up and went and got LO from nursery. Got back changed and fed him, OH got up, ate what I made didn bother asking me about my first day back, he was just then glued to his phone on tiktok even when LO was there right in front of him he didnt bother with him. He then got ready after a bit to go work and as he was leaving came towards me his nose leaked blood all over my hair and clothes, he lied and said no but he did so I had to shower again.

OH came back from night shit at 7.30am and briefly saw him as me and LO were leaving this morning. He usually showers, eats, then sleeps till he has to go work again, Usually 11pm. This is what he does all the time . He went to his second job at 5pm and finished at 10pm. Came back ate took a shit , I briefly asked him about getting the toilet fixed as I noticed it leaking since yesterday. He replied 'what do you want me to do about it?' It just pissed me off so bad, I do everything when I ask for help with the smallest of things its made to be like I asked for the fucking world. So then I dont bother asking him. Everything falls to me, and I feel like I'm breaking down. I didnt actually sit down for a proper rest till 9pm today.Even during my sickness I was doing everything, there was no rest for me. I'm just drained and need some help but have no one to ask.

OH will use work as a reason to get away with doing stuff. When I ask a simple question it's always I'm tired or I've just come back from work or just what are you starting something. I can never ask him for anything, cz it's made it to such a big deal.

OP posts:
Sexytimeusername · 12/11/2021 08:12

Also meant to ask, does he frequently have nosebleeds? If so I'd suspect he's on something to keep him awake through night shifts.

Sunflowerfieldsofgold · 12/11/2021 08:14

he can flush the loo at 36, he doesn’t want to

The leaving of the shit for you to find is deliberate,.
Its literally showing you what he thinks of you.
Get rid!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 12/11/2021 08:16

Op I am not going to join in blaming you because you want to a clean an tidy house.
This is what stands out to me-
Your husband respects you so little he expects you to flush his shit
He doesn't even ask you about your first day back at work because he doesn't care
Those 2 things would make me stand back and wonder what exactly this relationship is bringing to my life .
I think you are better than this.

Monalotmoore · 12/11/2021 08:16

How did you actually get together? I'm sure none of this was what first attracted you to him. Was he the complete opposite until you got together?

Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 08:46

@Sexytimeusername
Yes he has the nose bleeds pretty much all the time. I dont think hes taking drugs. He does take lots of supplements or whatever they are for weight loss that he regularly buys online.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 08:56

@Salayes I think your right. I do tend to clean more when hes come back home as hell just leave mess or crumbs everywhere. He makes more mess than LO.

I like leaving the house nice and clean when I leave to go out so when I come back its welcoming and somewhere I want to be. But usually i come back and the front room has his shoes and clothes left on the floor shoes in front of the shoe cupboard and just mess in the kitchen. I then start tidying so I can relax in a clean home otherwise I feel like I'm living in a mess. I've tried leaving his stuff and telling him to do it just nothing happens and it stays there for months

OP posts:
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 12/11/2021 08:57

Hot teabags straight into a bin does make a bin steamy and creates bin juice. Not sure how they equates to OCD?

The OP has a stringent cleaning routine yes, but my guess it's because the bloke is a disgusting slobby cocklodger. Get rid of him.

Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 09:12

@boomboomshakalakalakaboom

I think if your DH wasn't so unsupportive, unhygienic, disrespectful and self absorbed you wouldn't be developing this potentially problematic cleaning behaviour. I think he shuts you down and doesn't listen to you or puts you down verbally, rather than have a huge row and kick him out, you're putting your energy into the environment.

I would get some counselling and make steps to think about leaving this man. He is utterly gross. If my partner took on an extra job to get away from me I would be heartbroken. How did it make you feel OP? Pause for a minute and think how his behaviour makes you feel not how it means you have extra tasks to do.

Yeh you have got that first part spot on. That is what I'm doing.

Truthfully I prefer it when hes gone to work, I feel like the environment isnt tense. It's just me and LO and he doesn't seen to ask for him. Some days we wont see him for 2 days at a time as me and LO are out the house before he comes in but LO doesnt ask about him or mention him. When I have asked LO on the odd occasion wheres daddy he replies 'sleeping' because that's what he sees. He has also started saying thing like smelly daddy socks when he sees his anything of his dads. This has now changed to 'smelly daddy' he call him that. Initially I've tried to stop him but now I dont anymore as LO associates the dirty socks as his dads socks. I kind of hoped that LO shaming him would make him consider making small changes but he hasn't and will tell me to tell LO to stop calling him that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 09:22

@Monalotmoore

I was a lost soul, i really was didnt really have family. I remember thinking we has so many similarities in our upbringing and life experiences so far. But looking back he was molly coddled and allowed to do anything because his mum left when he was young and he was brought up by his grandparents who felt so guilty they allowed him to do as he pleased. I on the other hand was brought up by a single parent with 5 kids and had to pretty much grow up very quickly, we had to look after ourselves, and had very little money but appreciated all the thing we did have.

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/11/2021 09:23

Sounds like you have outgrown him tbh.
What do you want your life to be like?

Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 09:32

@Monalotmoore
He made it out like he had a similar upbringing. I remember when I first asked about his mum his words were 'shes no longer with us'. Later I found out she was alive he just chose to have has no contact with her. I asked him what hed said that he replied 'well you presumed she was dead I never said she was' knowing full well that he chose to make me think that which his choice of words. He likes to believe that he has this intelligence that others dont. Sorry off point again

When we met he was the most doting and charming person I've come across, I remember feeling overwhelmed with it at one point, then thought maybe this is because I'm not used to people being loving toward me.

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 12/11/2021 09:56

Your partner doesn’t sound great. The concern for crumbs and tea spoons and steam is a sign that you’re under a lot of stress and really don’t like your partner. Perhaps you can be kind to yourself about how tidy things need to be before you can take a break. Otherwise you get stressed because you have no time and because you’re stressed you feel everything has to be tidy so you’re in control but then you have no time and you get more stressed and tidy more and it gets stuck in a loop. If you could look around and if it’s safe and relatively uncluttered then prioritise spending a short time doing something pointless, like walking round the block with baby or messaging some friends or whatever rocks your boat. I know it feels like you can’t but try to distract yourself from concentrating on how clean it is.

Sunflowerfieldsofgold · 12/11/2021 10:03

[quote Mug101]@Monalotmoore
He made it out like he had a similar upbringing. I remember when I first asked about his mum his words were 'shes no longer with us'. Later I found out she was alive he just chose to have has no contact with her. I asked him what hed said that he replied 'well you presumed she was dead I never said she was' knowing full well that he chose to make me think that which his choice of words. He likes to believe that he has this intelligence that others dont. Sorry off point again

When we met he was the most doting and charming person I've come across, I remember feeling overwhelmed with it at one point, then thought maybe this is because I'm not used to people being loving toward me.[/quote]
Classic lovebombing Op.
If it feels overwhelming thats because it is.
He used charm to manipulate you, if you had seen what he was really like -an absolutely vile, filthy pig you wouldnt have touched him with a bargepole.
You are not being fussy about the house, hes deliberately being messy and leaving the toilet unflushed as signs of contempt for you.
Dont spend ages wishing he will change, this is who he really is.
Again get rid!

FixTheBone · 12/11/2021 10:03

Not sure this is anyone's 'fault' but that you've both fallen into patterns of work and family life that are unsustainable long term.

Both of you are going to burn out without massively restructuring the way your lives are running.

Passing like ships in the sea for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening is no way to maintain a relationship. You both need to sit down (easier said than done) and work out from scratch what your ideal (realisitic) situation would look like and start to make changes that head you in that direction.

Sakurami · 12/11/2021 11:18

I wouldn't like to live with either of you op. My parents are spotless, their home is beautiful and like a show home but it isn't relaxing because you know everything has to be spotless all the time. Even a weekday meal has matching tableware and candles and although beautiful, it stressed me out when living there as a teenager and visiting with my kids.

However, I have some friends whose houses are so cluttered and could be cleaner and I couldn't live there either. Mess stresses me out but there are times every week when my house gets messy because I'm busy or prioritise other things and that's fine.

However, I couldn't live with someone who not only didn't help, but created mess.

What was your relationship pre kids? What is good about him? Is it worth trying to work it out or is it time to split?

Pastryapronsucks · 12/11/2021 11:30

I was brought up on the belief that a clean tidy home equaled respectability and being a 'good' parent.

I was a teenage mum with my first child and had a completely dysfunctional partner. I got a bit obsessed with cleaning as a way of proving myself competent, worthy and controlling at least one part of my life. I think it probably the similar with you.

I would suggest some counselling or a scheduled talk to air your views and how seriously you are being effected to the point you are considering ending your relationship. From what it sounds like you would be happier without him. Good luck however it pans out.

Naunet · 12/11/2021 11:33

What is the point of him? Literally, what is the point of being with him? What does he bring to this relationship?
Maybe ask him that question, ask him what he thinks you get out of being with him.

QforCucumber · 12/11/2021 11:35

Why are you still with him? What joy and happiness does he bring to your life?

OnyxOryx · 12/11/2021 11:49

@Megalameg

I know this is mumsnet so the majority of the posts will simply support you and trash the man but tbh your behaviour does seem like OCD or some other mental disorder. You vacuum and clean the toilet everyday? And you hate the idea of people thinking your unclean? I’m sorry but this isn’t normal or healthy behaviour - toilets do not need to be cleaned everyday and you really shouldn’t have to vacuum everyday either unless you own 15 dogs or something.

I’m not meaning to be rude but I really think you should see and tell a health professional about this and maybe they can get you some help because this really does sound like OCD or some other disorder.

Until you do this it’s hard to comment on OH’s behaviour because you see it through what seems to be a quite neurotic Lense.

It sounds like someone who feels they have no control over their own life trying to gain some control the only way they can, by cleaning and ordering the home.
OnyxOryx · 12/11/2021 11:58

[quote Mug101]@Sexytimeusername
Yes he has the nose bleeds pretty much all the time. I dont think hes taking drugs. He does take lots of supplements or whatever they are for weight loss that he regularly buys online.[/quote]
You know what they used to use for weight loss years ago? Amphetamines. Then they were banned because it's an addictive drug.

QforCucumber · 12/11/2021 11:58

@Megalameg we don't have dogs but run the hoover round downstairs every day, it takes under 5 mins. We have a toddler, and crumbs follow him like magnets, its much preferable to not have those stuck to your socks when walking around the house.

Vapeyvapevape · 12/11/2021 12:05

Also meant to ask, does he frequently have nosebleeds? If so I'd suspect he's on something to keep him awake through night shifts

This was my thought too.

Vapeyvapevape · 12/11/2021 12:06

Or steroids

Shoxfordian · 12/11/2021 12:08

Your partner is not on your team
What does he contribute other than money? He should be making your life better not worse

Rainbowheart1 · 12/11/2021 12:15

Well there isn’t anything you can do about your DH apart from leave him, he won’t change. You can accept that or not.

If you decide your happy to accept him as he is, I would start looking at yourself. You need to address your worth. Yes you clean for your child, and I’m sure that’s great, but I’m also sure he wouldn’t want you to do it to a standard where it makes you miserable or leaves no life for yourself. No child would want that.

P.s join a gym, get a hobby, be selfish.