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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I such a fucking idiot

76 replies

Mug101 · 11/11/2021 23:28

I'm not feeling sorry for myself but how has my life got to this. I do everything, everything, but it's never good enough.

Today I went back to work after some time off sick, it felt good to be back. Been up since 6am got LO ready and sent to breakfast club, got into work for 8. I finished at 1, got home got the bathroom and it absolutely stank and there was water around the bottom opened the lid and it was full of OHs shit that he didnt flush (he does this all the time), had to clean it as I needed to go. Next batch cooked lunch and dinner for 2 days, cleaned and vacuumed the whole place, cleared the leaves front the front garden,plus loads more chores then showered up and went and got LO from nursery. Got back changed and fed him, OH got up, ate what I made didn bother asking me about my first day back, he was just then glued to his phone on tiktok even when LO was there right in front of him he didnt bother with him. He then got ready after a bit to go work and as he was leaving came towards me his nose leaked blood all over my hair and clothes, he lied and said no but he did so I had to shower again.

OH came back from night shit at 7.30am and briefly saw him as me and LO were leaving this morning. He usually showers, eats, then sleeps till he has to go work again, Usually 11pm. This is what he does all the time . He went to his second job at 5pm and finished at 10pm. Came back ate took a shit , I briefly asked him about getting the toilet fixed as I noticed it leaking since yesterday. He replied 'what do you want me to do about it?' It just pissed me off so bad, I do everything when I ask for help with the smallest of things its made to be like I asked for the fucking world. So then I dont bother asking him. Everything falls to me, and I feel like I'm breaking down. I didnt actually sit down for a proper rest till 9pm today.Even during my sickness I was doing everything, there was no rest for me. I'm just drained and need some help but have no one to ask.

OH will use work as a reason to get away with doing stuff. When I ask a simple question it's always I'm tired or I've just come back from work or just what are you starting something. I can never ask him for anything, cz it's made it to such a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 02:04

@Sakurami some really useful stuff which I will consider.

I work full time 8 hour days. Some of the cleaning is unnecessary, you're right. Other places not get dirty. OH is just a mess and will use every utensil and work surface even when making a cuppa, and wont bother clearing up properly. There'll be suger sprayed everywhere, milk droplets, ring marks, tea bags straight in to the bin which makes the bin steamy. Then he'll leave the spoon on the edge of the sink instead putting it in, and leave tea marks over the sink top.

I'll call a plumber myself and I'll also call the garage to get my light fixed, I asked him a month ago. I always get robbed blind that's the only reason I ask him to call up for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 02:16

@Starblind19

You are so spot on with the clean bed and toilet. On sundays I change sheets and do all bath and bedding, and batch cook some meals so I can relax in the evening and not worry about dinner. Oh comes home early and uses the just cleaned bathroom and sleeps in the made bed with fresh sheets Ive put on and it pisses me off because he doesn't deserve it. Before he met me he never used to change his sheets.

Thanks for the push. I'm slowly gathering things that I need.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 12/11/2021 02:22

OP why do you do this? I seriously don't understand why anyone would

Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 02:26

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness

I've started to let a lot of things slide because im sick of the arguments that he starts just by saying 'why are you starting something' when I've asked if he can put his lunchbox away or put work clothes away and not on the sofa.

I totally understand that night shifts are hard in most places. OH works in a service station and has told me many times he likes it as it's not busy and spends most of his time on FB or watching Tiktok videos.

I've spoken to him about getting a 9-5 job but he says it will be more demanding so doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 12/11/2021 02:30

The OP is distressed when the bloke doesn't flush the toilet and knowingly leaves literal shit for her to clean up. And she's asked if she has OCD?!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
@Mug101 he's filthy and has zero respect for you.

Original poster
Mug101 · 12/11/2021 02:33

@Monty27 if you mean the cleaning, I dont know I think after I had LO I just wanted everything to be clean and nice for him. I remember giving him a bath everyday a newborn which was totally unnecessary in hindsight but I don't know maybe somewhere in my brain i paired cleanliness with being healthy and well. I don't recall being this bad before I had LO.

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 12/11/2021 02:41

There's a mismatch between your thread title and contents. Why do you think you are the problem? This is such a bad atmosphere for bringing up your child. What's the housing set up, can you kick him out? Or can you and your kid leave?

Weatherwax13 · 12/11/2021 02:44

@Mug101 you're not "being this bad"
You want a clean home for your child and you're a conscientious mother. That's completely normal.

Alexandria94 · 12/11/2021 02:47

Yep, not flushing his crap would be it for me. I've put up with a dirty, disrespectful husband and am very glad that he is now an ex. I'm a similar age to you and I couldnt and wouldnt put up with it now. The rubbish left everywhere, wet towels on the sofa or bed, dirty work clothes on top of clean washing, crap all over kitchen counters, nail clippings in my car(?!). He was a handyman and would leave simple maintenance jobs around the house for months on end. Never said thanks. They could be brothers.

One thing I can say though is that he would never leave his shit for me to walk in on. And he had very, very low standards. This man doesnt respect you one bit.

nzeire · 12/11/2021 03:03

I feel sad reading this :(
Darling, you deserve better. If he can flush the loo at 36, he doesn’t want to

Megalameg · 12/11/2021 03:52

I know this is mumsnet so the majority of the posts will simply support you and trash the man but tbh your behaviour does seem like OCD or some other mental disorder.
You vacuum and clean the toilet everyday? And you hate the idea of people thinking your unclean?
I’m sorry but this isn’t normal or healthy behaviour - toilets do not need to be cleaned everyday and you really shouldn’t have to vacuum everyday either unless you own 15 dogs or something.

I’m not meaning to be rude but I really think you should see and tell a health professional about this and maybe they can get you some help because this really does sound like OCD or some other disorder.

Until you do this it’s hard to comment on OH’s behaviour because you see it through what seems to be a quite neurotic Lense.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2021 04:13

@Weatherwax13

The OP is distressed when the bloke doesn't flush the toilet and knowingly leaves literal shit for her to clean up. And she's asked if she has OCD?! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. *@Mug101* he's filthy and has zero respect for you.
No, she was asked about OCD because of comments like tea bags straight in to the bin which makes the bin steamy

He sounds pretty foul not flushing the loo. But OP's standards sound unreasonable. Particularly when he's working 12-14 hours, including overnight.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/11/2021 04:18

I read your posts looking for the part where you have been an idiot?
You are not an idiot but you will be miserable if you stay with this man.

Graceandfrankie · 12/11/2021 04:30

OP, I think you need to reevaluate what you do. You have a partner who works two jobs, including a night shift, which is really really demanding, no matter how little they do around the house. You then make things worse for yourself by doing so many jobs. Do they really need to be done every day? Maybe take it down to every other day to see if it eases the burden?

In the meantime, you need to have a serious talk with him about responsibilities and family time.

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2021 04:37

So does his second job get paid into a family account for everyone?
If not, he earns extra money for him, does fuck all at home or for the baby EXCEPT he does manage to create a lot of extra mess for you. Seems like it would be easier without him…

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/11/2021 04:39

I don’t understand why you are still in a relationship with him. Time to end it, move on and show your LO that you still have sone self respect.

Waahingwashingwashing · 12/11/2021 05:02

Your partner needs to flush.

But he’s doing 2 jobs and one of those is a night shift. That’s seriously knackering

What’s wrong with putting the tea bag steaifht in the bin?

Yutes · 12/11/2021 05:08

He sounds worse than another child op.

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2021 05:16

@Waahingwashingwashing

Your partner needs to flush.

But he’s doing 2 jobs and one of those is a night shift. That’s seriously knackering

What’s wrong with putting the tea bag steaifht in the bin?

That’s only relevant to the op if she sees some of the money from the second job! And even then if my dh said I’d like to take a second job, the money would be joint, but you’d have to do everything around the house as I’d be knackered, I wouldn’t even have to think before saying no deal thanks, I need us to be a team at home so I cannot support that plan.
Bananalanacake · 12/11/2021 07:09

You say he didn't pay you back for your birthday meal but I hope he pays towards food and bills.

Wiredforsound · 12/11/2021 07:15

You deserve so much more. I’d just leave him. I couldn’t put up with that. Nobody should have to.

billyt · 12/11/2021 07:23

Doesn't matter how many hours he works. It takes seconds to flush a toilet. He's just a filthy animal. Sounds like he doesn't care about you or your LO Mug101.

As they say, life is too short and you only get one. Please don't waste it with the lowlife.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/11/2021 07:31

[quote Mug101]@Monty27 if you mean the cleaning, I dont know I think after I had LO I just wanted everything to be clean and nice for him. I remember giving him a bath everyday a newborn which was totally unnecessary in hindsight but I don't know maybe somewhere in my brain i paired cleanliness with being healthy and well. I don't recall being this bad before I had LO.[/quote]
It does sound like you're edging into OCD territory there OP - you're feeling a compulsion to clean and tidy, rather than making a choice to do so. I believe I've read before that OCD can first start during pregnancy / newborn stage. Could you seek some help with that? You can self refer online in most areas for CBT.

That aside, your partner is completely unengaged with you and your child and is letting you carry all the mental load. As for not flushing the toilet - that seems like a very passive aggressive act of disrespect. "Fuck you @Mug101, I can't even be bothered to pull this tiny handle. You can just deal with my shit. Literally."

Was he better before you had your DS? Is the 2nd job something he took on during your mat leave - could he now drop it? He is working a LOT of hours and night-shift with a boring job is way more tiring than day shift with something engaging, trust me on that.

It's his lack of engagement with DS, and his stonewalling you when you ask him to do something which would really concern me most. I would personally be getting out tbh.

boomboomshakalakalakaboom · 12/11/2021 07:39

I think if your DH wasn't so unsupportive, unhygienic, disrespectful and self absorbed you wouldn't be developing this potentially problematic cleaning behaviour.
I think he shuts you down and doesn't listen to you or puts you down verbally, rather than have a huge row and kick him out, you're putting your energy into the environment.

I would get some counselling and make steps to think about leaving this man. He is utterly gross. If my partner took on an extra job to get away from me I would be heartbroken. How did it make you feel OP? Pause for a minute and think how his behaviour makes you feel not how it means you have extra tasks to do.

Salayes · 12/11/2021 08:07

If he’s not a complete asshole then it sounds like he is rebelling against your constant cleaning by being deliberately messy and disrespectful- no one forgets to flush their own shit, he’s making a statement with that and with creating extra mess wherever he goes. You are manically cleaning to try and get some control back - both of you are trying to gain control in that way it sounds like.

However, if he’s always been a slob since you met him then it could be he just doesn’t care what sort of state he lives in (or you and his child). It also sounds like he deliberately dripped blood on you when he had a nose bleed? That’s disgusting and makes a big statement about what he thinks of you - particularly if he knows you have this hang up about being clean.

I do think you are cleaning too much but i can understand why if you’re living with someone who treats you and the house this way.

Are there any good points about your relationship?

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