Partner sticking up for my abusive ex

[CatalinaCasesolver]

My ex and father of my child was horribly abusive particularly throughout my pregnancy.

We split before baby was born and I kept up with contact for the sake of the child but as baby was EBF I was there with her in those early days. Anyway in continuation of his abuse when baby was just a few months old he took me to court, attempting to take her from me completely, citing all sorts of horrible lies.

This was obviously a terribly traumatic time as a new mother and had a significant impact on my mental health.

Things did not go as he had hoped and he ended up seeing baby in contact centre because the judge saw he is abusive. We are now some years down the line and he sees his child regularly but he is still the arsehole he always was and I do not like interacting with him but do it because I have to. Things tick along but we occasionally get into disagreements as he is arrogant, condescending and pompous towards me and occasionally I bite.

Anyway my issue here is that my current partner (5 years) always always sticks up for him. Sometimes I actually just want to let off steam and say some petty things about what a twat he is, sometimes I am genuinely upset by interactions that take me back to my trauma.

My partner is a dad himself and coparents with his ex but his child is a lot older than mine and he doesn't have the same experience as me. It feels like he is taking my anger towards my ex as a personal insult to him some how and is defensive in his favour, which is just bizarre.

I don't talk about my ex a lot but when I do i expect my partner to be supportive like my friends and family are. Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

This feels to me like a betrayal as he is invalidating my experience and even, dare I say, questioning it?!

I feel let down and don't know how to get past this. Am I over reacting here?

So you swapped one pricknfor another one?

Why are you with anothet awful man who hasn't your back?

Why are you with someone who sides with someone, who has in the past hurt you, and continues to upset you?

Why are you with him?

You are continuing to puck shit men.

Why?

Stop trying to figure out why the man you are with doesn't have your back and focus why your bar is so low that you would continue to be with him.?🤷‍♀️

Hmmm, I dunno. Maybe he's fed up hearing about what a twat your ex is. When was the last time you complimented HIM?

Wow straight to the point there!

The thing that gets me is that he's fab in all other ways, I'm hyper aware of red flags and abusive behaviours and he definitely doesn't have any of those.

But you're right what he is doing here is not nice.

OP - you don’t need to be in a relationship with your bf if you don’t feel like he adds to your life.
However, I will say that you do seem to be quite affected and still angry at your Ex. And the Ex seems to be almost a third person in your new relationship.
In your place - I’d keep the venting to your family, or friends if they are Ok with that. And I’d keep your relationship with this - or any other future Bfs to the life you share with them.

He is not invalidating your experience. He may have a different take on some things as he is a coparenting father. You have the right to your feelings, and so does he have a right to his reactions.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Hmmm, I dunno. Maybe he's fed up hearing about what a twat your ex is. When was the last time you complimented HIM?

I always compliment him, we are usually very kind to one another. I do wonder if he feels insecure about his own parenting and is being defensive because he feels in slagging all dads off in some way? I dunno

@MMmomDD

OP - you don’t need to be in a relationship with your bf if you don’t feel like he adds to your life. However, I will say that you do seem to be quite affected and still angry at your Ex. And the Ex seems to be almost a third person in your new relationship. In your place - I’d keep the venting to your family, or friends if they are Ok with that. And I’d keep your relationship with this - or any other future Bfs to the life you share with them.

He is not invalidating your experience. He may have a different take on some things as he is a coparenting father. You have the right to your feelings, and so does he have a right to his reactions.

I'm generally not angry at my ex and just get on with it but we had an argument for the first time in maybe a year this week so it has been a topic of conversation.

Red flag, OP. He is taking the side of the man who abused you. How much more of a red flag do you need?

But why are you letting off steam about about ex to him? Talk to a friend. I don't think it's fair on your partner to offload that. I don't hear he's taking his side in your post, I hear him it not giving an opinion. Yes, he should be supportive in your life but this is one thing I don't think he should get involved in. He sounds like he's stepping away to let you sort it.

If you want more from him, he's prob not the man for you. If this was a man offloading about an abusive ex wife, I don't think mumsmet would be telling to put up with it.

I really don't think it's fair to moan about exes yo new partners. I've had this and I refused to be part of the weird triangle it was creating.
I think this is one thing you have to sort yourself and speak to close friends who know the history.

@Lifewith

But why are you letting off steam about about ex to him? Talk to a friend. I don't think it's fair on your partner to offload that. I don't hear he's taking his side in your post, I hear him it not giving an opinion. Yes, he should be supportive in your life but this is one thing I don't think he should get involved in. He sounds like he's stepping away to let you sort it.

If you want more from him, he's prob not the man for you. If this was a man offloading about an abusive ex wife, I don't think mumsmet would be telling to put up with it.

Because we live together and are engaged, therefore he is soon to be step dad of my child and is my best friend. So what I'm supposed to not discuss anything to do with my ex and child with him?

Sometimes you just need to offload onto your girlfriends. You can't get EVERYTHING you need from a man.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Sometimes you just need to offload onto your girlfriends. You can't get EVERYTHING you need from a man.

This . A 100%

i think its a red flag, but one that can possibly be resolved... you need to be tackling this head on, ask him why he never backs you up, and why he keeps seeming to support your exes abusive behaviour towards you.

If you don't like the answer, or he thinks your exes behaviour is acceptable, you know this relationship is dead in the water and you should run a mile before you commit to marriage.

Yes of course discuss things but this emotive stuff attached to your ex, no.
It's not for to your current partner to absorb this for you. He is trying to give it back to you from what I can read.he can still support you with this, but dragging up the past and expecting him to take it all in is not fair

To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

So he stated a fact and you accuse him of siding with your ex? Maybe he doesn't want to get dragged into your dramas with your ex. Maybe he's had enough dramas in his own separation. Does he tend to vent to you about his ex? A neutral counsellor might be best for you to discuss your issues with ex as they have no role in your life.

It sounds like you have unresolved trauma OP. Which is fair enough, your partner can't magic that away by slagging off ex with you. If that's what you are wanting from him.
I mean that from an understanding perspective as I've had to deal with a lot of stuff too away from my partner.

Actually, it's not his place to slag off your child's father. To do so risks the relationship he has with your child, and potentially you

Is he defending your ex, or is he just not joining in the rant. There's a difference

He hasn't sided with anyone here OP. Him not agreeing with you doesn't mean he disagrees. He just doesn't have enough of an emotional investment to get worked up. He's right - he wasn't there so he doesn't know. It's probably also actually a good idea for him to remain neutral to assist with facilitating contact should they need arise.

Have a rant to somebody who was there. Your mom or a sibling or a friend. Someone who saw first hand what your ex put you through.

@baileys6904

Actually, it's not his place to slag off your child's father. To do so risks the relationship he has with your child, and potentially you

Is he defending your ex, or is he just not joining in the rant. There's a difference

He has defended him in the past and readily admits he has. And when I say slagging off my ex I mean privately and not often, just when for example he says something really arsey and pompous to me on WhatsApp.

Block him on what's app if he is being abusive. Communicate only via email

I would stop discussing it with him (new partner)then if that is happening. Keep it separate and have support from a good friend.

But why are you letting off steam about about ex to him? Talk to a friend. I don't think it's fair on your partner to offload that.

Probably one of the most unrealistic & unreasonable things I've seen written on this forum.

I don't like the sound of your partner op.

A man who knows that this man abused you during your pregnancy, took you to court to try to take primary custody of your child off you on malicious, false accusations, abd continues to verbally abuse you using what minimum contact you have to facilitate a relationship with his child (legally he's obviously been given it bit morally he doesnt deserve it).. .. and doesnt support you and categorically label yoyr your as what he is; is simply not a good partner.

It sounds like he let's make solidarity or chipmpn shoulder stuff or I don't don't what, override what should be straightforward support and loyalty and acknowledgement of what is right.

I could not think f him as a good partner, I'm afraid, on spite of his other apparent good qualities.

@Lifewith

I would stop discussing it with him (new partner)then if that is happening. Keep it separate and have support from a good friend.

Shouldn't have to.

It's part of her life, its part of her psst bit ongoing.

It's part of the package.

Its what decent partners do for each other.

• male solidarity or chip on the shoulder stuff