Partner sticking up for my abusive ex

[CatalinaCasesolver]

My ex and father of my child was horribly abusive particularly throughout my pregnancy.

We split before baby was born and I kept up with contact for the sake of the child but as baby was EBF I was there with her in those early days. Anyway in continuation of his abuse when baby was just a few months old he took me to court, attempting to take her from me completely, citing all sorts of horrible lies.

This was obviously a terribly traumatic time as a new mother and had a significant impact on my mental health.

Things did not go as he had hoped and he ended up seeing baby in contact centre because the judge saw he is abusive. We are now some years down the line and he sees his child regularly but he is still the arsehole he always was and I do not like interacting with him but do it because I have to. Things tick along but we occasionally get into disagreements as he is arrogant, condescending and pompous towards me and occasionally I bite.

Anyway my issue here is that my current partner (5 years) always always sticks up for him. Sometimes I actually just want to let off steam and say some petty things about what a twat he is, sometimes I am genuinely upset by interactions that take me back to my trauma.

My partner is a dad himself and coparents with his ex but his child is a lot older than mine and he doesn't have the same experience as me. It feels like he is taking my anger towards my ex as a personal insult to him some how and is defensive in his favour, which is just bizarre.

I don't talk about my ex a lot but when I do i expect my partner to be supportive like my friends and family are. Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

This feels to me like a betrayal as he is invalidating my experience and even, dare I say, questioning it?!

I feel let down and don't know how to get past this. Am I over reacting here?

There is a lot of projection on this thread.

OP my DP has an abusive ex. He went though the family court and got what he asked for and a bit more.

During the process his ex was sending him abusive messages and threats. I told him I couldn't mental deal with it so he needed to offload on someone else. My DP did and in the process managed to get some practical help from a couple of the people he offloaded onto in how to deal with some of the shit she was causing.

Your DP isn't invalidating you, he simply is unable to turn around to you and say I can't deal with all the shit you are dealing with from your ex. It is outside the ream of things I can mentally cope with.

You need to stop testing him.

There are people - colleagues, acquaintances and neighbours - around you who are in the same/similar situation to you who you can talk to you just haven't found them yet so you need to talk to more people. They will validate you, share their experiences with you and you can help each other.

You will still be able to share with your DP but it will be more like "Ex did this shitty thing on Monday. I spoke to Liz and her ex did it as well. The way she dealt with it was x, y and z so he left her alone. " Or "You know the shitty thing ex did on Monday. Well I spoke to Liz about it...."

I left an abusive marriage while pregnant 10 years ago. I went through private law proceedings which the ops sound similar to. The abuse isn't really subjective if the contact awarded was supervised. That's some really serious evidence there. I'd be pretty fucked off if my partner down played that stuff in any way. I had a partner 4 years ago who downplayed it and it was a nasty nasty thing to do.

@altmember

There's three sides to every story, and your partner is only hearing yours.

The court heard both and decided not only that op's child should remain in her primary care, but that her ex should have supervised contact.

That's definitive.

Oh and he is actually hearing her exs side tbrough his ongoing verbal.abuse of her, which says everything you nedd to know about him (on top of the damning court judgement) ..... if he really thinks op is not telling the truth, why is he marrying her abd making her a step parent to his child.

He sounds like a misogynist and apologist for male abuse
I'd be interested to know the full story from his ex as to why their relationship broken dow.

Last time I checked, your partner is meant to have your back, but according to this thread, my bar is too high. 🙄

Have you ever called him out on his reaction OP? What does he say his reasons are?

I don't talk about my ex a lot but when I do i expect my partner to be supportive like my friends and family are. Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

@CatalinaCasesolver I’m so sorry for the trauma and ongoing abuse that you have been through.

I think the way your partner responded would be typical of someone who hardly knows you. But a partner of 5 years! No, his response is not ok. He has known you for 5 years. There is evidence of what you went through. When you experience any abusive, or upsetting behaviour from an interaction from your ex; your partner should show you empathy, love and concern for your wellbeing. He did none of that. How hard is it to hug the person that you love and reassure them that everything will be alright?

You don’t talk about your ex often so it can’t be that he’s overwhelmed with hearing about it all the time.

You are still dealing with this abusive ex because he is the father of your child. This must be very difficult for you and a bit scary too. It is not as if you are dredging up a past that has moved on. He is very much still a part of your and your child’s life and he still poses a threat. These types of abusive people never change. You absolutely do need your partner of 5 years to have your back. Otherwise, how can you trust him in the future if something bad happened. What guarantee do yo have that he would be there for you or back you up in the future if he can’t do that now.

My wife and I went through similar, though it was my abusive ex wife, and my wife getting into it. My ex is diagnosed NPD, and would regularly try and rope me back in. I had adopted no contact and parallel parenting. Some of the things my ex wife would say were absolutely atrocious, even things about my current wife. I ignored it. Did not respond. My current wife would get all worked up, and then get pissed at me when I would ask her why she was engaging with my ex? Why respond? Why get worked up?

My point was that we had no control over my ex wife and how she behaved. The things she said. She was acting exactly as we would expect her to act. The only people we had control over were ourselves.

Likewise, my wife has a very abusive ex husband, physically, sexually, financially, emotionally. They had been divorced six years when we met, and she would still get roped into engaging him, get really pissed off, and it put me in such an awkward position. Yeah, the guy is a dick, but we already knew that. There was no reason to keep engaging. It got exhausting being supportive for situations that she unnecessarily engaged in.

Yeah, I was accused of taking her, and my exes side of things when after a while I would ask my wife why in the hell is she always taking the bait from these two people? Why was she letting herself get dragged back into their drama spheres? Why was she even responding?

I've just skin read the above quote again and he strikes me as mulishly, intentionally , almost defiantly choosing to cop out/zone out/be "neutral" when the facts of the court case, your ex's ongoing verbal abuse etc are known ..... that is not the behaviour of a kind person, let alone a life partner.

Something is eating him about it, he has an issue somewhere about this; and it causes him not to not even acknowledge what you've been through and continue to deal with, acknowledge the fault etc., let alone be supportive.

It's not a way any decent partner I've observed in my experience acts; they don't have to be fawning or completely one side; they just see the facts, realise the other person is an asshole/dickhead/whatever abd harassing their partner/causing her stress, abd they are sympathetic.
That's all anyone needs, a bit of sympathy and support; when someone has abused or mistreated you, it helps hugely if people acknowledge that and support you. Hes not acting the way I'd expect or have seen decent partners acting.

So I'm not quite sure why you should be involving involving heavily in your child's life; a child who would have been taken from you if your ex had succeeded, something your partner appears to not even acknowledge, or could buying propert with him, or cooking for him, or any other couply/family thing. He doesbt really merit it, sorry.

Unless you really want more kids etc why even bother moving in together and marrying, why not just keep seeing him, and see how things unfold further with his odd behaviour.

@samyeagar

My wife and I went through similar, though it was my abusive ex wife, and my wife getting into it. My ex is diagnosed NPD, and would regularly try and rope me back in. I had adopted no contact and parallel parenting. Some of the things my ex wife would say were absolutely atrocious, even things about my current wife. I ignored it. Did not respond. My current wife would get all worked up, and then get pissed at me when I would ask her why she was engaging with my ex? Why respond? Why get worked up?

My point was that we had no control over my ex wife and how she behaved. The things she said. She was acting exactly as we would expect her to act. The only people we had control over were ourselves.

Likewise, my wife has a very abusive ex husband, physically, sexually, financially, emotionally. They had been divorced six years when we met, and she would still get roped into engaging him, get really pissed off, and it put me in such an awkward position. Yeah, the guy is a dick, but we already knew that. There was no reason to keep engaging. It got exhausting being supportive for situations that she unnecessarily engaged in.

Yeah, I was accused of taking her, and my exes side of things when after a while I would ask my wife why in the hell is she always taking the bait from these two people? Why was she letting herself get dragged back into their drama spheres? Why was she even responding?

Thing is, he's not "just" potentially frustrated and zoned out with op reacting to her ex's verbal abuse (which if it was all the time, you might understand, but op says it's not) ....

He's being purposefully neutral, and denying the truth and validity of op's account of the past court case.

That's something else.

I'd be annoyed as well, I don't want my partner to be neutral, I want him in my corner! Perhaps it is a bit too close to home for him however, with his own situation.

@VelvetRope212

Excellent posts.

OP, I don't think you really know this man.

I think he is very PA withholding support.

How your Ex treated you is not up for discussion or interpretation.

The courts ruled and he had to have supervised contact.

Heavy shit.

I think you should really think about your relationship with this man.

If he cared about you/your child, he would be appalled on your behalf.

But he is behaving like you haven't sufficiently convinced him.

I think he's a prick.

I don't get involved in my partner's past. I dont take sides I wasn't there and haven't heard the evidence from both sides. It seems unfair for require a partner to always take your side. I personally have no issues with their ex I judge people how I see and experience them.

*Thing is, he's not "just" potentially frustrated and zoned out with op reacting to her ex's verbal abuse (which if it was all the time, you might understand, but op says it's not) ....

He's being purposefully neutral, and denying the truth and validity of op's account of the past court case.

That's something else.*

That is entirely possible, though after five years together, I would imagine there has been plenty of validation of the OP's experiences with her ex over those years. Maybe not though.

To me, I could see her partner, at least internally feeling like...here we are five years down the road, and still having to deal with this shit?

I mean, everybody knows the dickhead ex is not going to change. That is the constant here. He will continue to be his arrogant, pompous, nasty self till the day he dies.

The only way to change the dynamic is to keep putting effort in and not letting the ex bait you into frustration and anger.

@samyeagar

*Thing is, he's not "just" potentially frustrated and zoned out with op reacting to her ex's verbal abuse (which if it was all the time, you might understand, but op says it's not) ....

He's being purposefully neutral, and denying the truth and validity of op's account of the past court case.

That's something else.*

That is entirely possible, though after five years together, I would imagine there has been plenty of validation of the OP's experiences with her ex over those years. Maybe not though.

To me, I could see her partner, at least internally feeling like...here we are five years down the road, and still having to deal with this shit?

I mean, everybody knows the dickhead ex is not going to change. That is the constant here. He will continue to be his arrogant, pompous, nasty self till the day he dies.

The only way to change the dynamic is to keep putting effort in and not letting the ex bait you into frustration and anger.

Well op can tell.us if thers been plenty of validation from him.

One things for sure, referring to that court case and saying "I wasnt there, I dong k ow what happened" or whatever the exact words were; is the opposite of validation, its actually doubting, verging on denying op's account of the court case; one he not only lost but was given restrictions on his access due to his behaviour.

That's far beyond thinking or saying "not this shills again, he's not going to change, why are you letting him end you up?" Etc.
As I said above; what he said is something else entirely.

You couldn't be human and not be hurt, angered, demoralised, your trust in someone affected by that, given what you'd have been through as op.

*one he (the man still abusing op) not only lost but was given restrictions on his child access due to his behaviour.

Op I don't feel your partner deserves your commitment and investment, I'd put it on the back Burnet at the very least.

Your conflict with your ex makes him feel guilty because he know he acted badly towards his ex.

He's basically told you he approves of your ex's behaviour and will do the same to you if you get pregnant to him.

Do not get pregnant to him.

Uugh - burner.

I mean, everybody knows the dickhead ex is not going to change

Dickhead is a rather mild word for a man who abused his pregnant partner, and then tried to take primary care of her child off her with false and malicious accusations; that would cause any mother the most intense fear, horror, distress etc. and it probably went on for months. He didn't care about even the effect on her parenting, or on his child; he's not just a dickhead

Look at the lengths he went to to punish op for leaving following his abuse; he's sociopathic verging on psychopathic. It's It's shame he was granted access at all, and eso unsupervised now. Access is supposed to ve for the benefit of the child .. what benefit is there in having contact with an abuser like tha The court system may have helped op with the initial case, but has failed her and her child since.

@CatalinaCasesolver My experience is that there are some men who (without knowing it themselves) are automatically Male Rights Activists, they will almost always take the side of men in everything.

It's infuriating and of course means they can't empathize with women's experience of abuse etc.

I couldn't be with one like this again.

And yes it is a red flag that he might end up the same, but is also annoying in and of itself.

@Mouseonmychair

I don't get involved in my partner's past. I dont take sides I wasn't there and haven't heard the evidence from both sides. It seems unfair for require a partner to always take your side. I personally have no issues with their ex I judge people how I see and experience them.

Well a court of law heard evidence from both sides and not only dismissed his malicious case but denied him unsupervised access to his own child.

No evidence or judgement needed on your behalf.

If you don't draw conclusions from that ...... something is not functioning correctly, and I'd wonder at the reasons behund that dysfunction.

I personally have no issues with their ex I judge people how I see and experience them

Is their ex using child contact communication to verbally abuse them?

Anyway why refer to your situation, you relationship your partner's ex in the first olace; this thread is about ops situation and ex. Unless yours is identical or extremely similar; what's the relevance.

I mean, everybody knows the dickhead ex is not going to change. That is the constant here. He will continue to be his arrogant, pompous, nasty self till the day he dies.

The only way to change the dynamic is to keep putting effort in and not letting the ex bait you into frustration and anger.

@samyeagar The Op’s situation is not simply dealing with a dickhead ex trying to get a rise out of her. It is far more serious than that and simply not letting the ex upset or frustrate you is not going to change the dynamic.

Court ordered to only being able to see your child under supervised access is because that parent is viewed as a risk to that child and is regarded on some level as dangerous.

The Op isn’t dealing with a dickhead ex, she is dealing with a dangerous and abusive ex who tried to use their child to punish her.

Too many women and children are murdered in the act of leaving or after they have left an abusive male partner. This happens so often in so many countries that it is absolutely unbelievable to trivialise the threat that women and children face when they have left an abusive man.

The last thing they need is for the people closest to them trivialising their situation and that includes an intimate partner you are engaged to and have been with for years.

@VelvetRope212 You have said a lot of good stuff, hopefully it helps the Op.