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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner sticking up for my abusive ex

95 replies

CatalinaCasesolver · 11/11/2021 14:48

My ex and father of my child was horribly abusive particularly throughout my pregnancy.

We split before baby was born and I kept up with contact for the sake of the child but as baby was EBF I was there with her in those early days. Anyway in continuation of his abuse when baby was just a few months old he took me to court, attempting to take her from me completely, citing all sorts of horrible lies.

This was obviously a terribly traumatic time as a new mother and had a significant impact on my mental health.

Things did not go as he had hoped and he ended up seeing baby in contact centre because the judge saw he is abusive. We are now some years down the line and he sees his child regularly but he is still the arsehole he always was and I do not like interacting with him but do it because I have to. Things tick along but we occasionally get into disagreements as he is arrogant, condescending and pompous towards me and occasionally I bite.

Anyway my issue here is that my current partner (5 years) always always sticks up for him. Sometimes I actually just want to let off steam and say some petty things about what a twat he is, sometimes I am genuinely upset by interactions that take me back to my trauma.

My partner is a dad himself and coparents with his ex but his child is a lot older than mine and he doesn't have the same experience as me. It feels like he is taking my anger towards my ex as a personal insult to him some how and is defensive in his favour, which is just bizarre.

I don't talk about my ex a lot but when I do i expect my partner to be supportive like my friends and family are. Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

This feels to me like a betrayal as he is invalidating my experience and even, dare I say, questioning it?!

I feel let down and don't know how to get past this. Am I over reacting here?

OP posts:

me4real · 12/11/2021 01:18

It seems unfair for require a partner to always take your side

@Mouseonmychair The whole point of having a partner is that they are largely on our team in life. I mean, if OP was doing something 100% wrong when it came to her ex then that'd be different and a partner might say something in support of her abusive ex boyfriend (!) but it doesn't seem like she is.

Sakurami · 12/11/2021 01:23

You don't have to take your partner's side in things that you disagree with just because they're your partner, but in this case what is there to disagree with? He's been with you for 5 years, the court has decided etc. At the very least he should listen and say that there is nothing you can do so not much point going on about it.

My bf is pretty neutral but honest. He listens when I speak about my ex but doesn't keep the conversation going which is fine. But he definitely doesn't dismiss it. We disagree on stuff and that's fine. But you can't disagree about someone's experience with abuse!

Weatherwax13 · 12/11/2021 01:43

I wasn't there so I don't know jesus, no wonder you're hurt OP. I'd be very wary of anyone - let alone my own bloody partner - who responded like that, having heard that I'd suffered abuse..
As for not overloading him and "talking to your girlfriends " Words fail me. What the hell is the point of having a bloke if he has to be protected from your emotions and not burdened with your experiences? Answer: there isn't a point. Better off without.
He either doesn't believe you, which even without the overwhelming evidence, he should. Because he's your partner and you told him.
Or he has a real chip on his shoulder, for reasons we don't know, and you're copping it.
Either way, it's not good at all. I'd be bloody furious in your place.

Pesimistic · 12/11/2021 01:47

I think he is one of those men that think men can do no wrong and it must have been your fault why he treated you that way, and I think your right when you say hes feeling insecure about his parenting and perhaps how he co parents or how he treated or treats his ex, I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was 'crazy' or 'hardwork' either. Massive red flag, he's a woman hater.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 12/11/2021 03:16

I've had personal experience of EXH doing this to me. I completely understand why it's a very sore spot for you. The distress and heartache from that, the nights I dreaded to close my eyes because I knew I'd start thinking about what he'd said... It was simply the cruellest thing anyone has ever done to me. The lies were disgusting and used to make me physically sick. Plus you are trying to get over an abusive relationship while all this is going on.

I also still have to communicate with this person, which is hellish.

You have all the sympathy from me

rrhuth · 12/11/2021 03:22

@CatalinaCasesolver

Wow straight to the point there!

The thing that gets me is that he's fab in all other ways, I'm hyper aware of red flags and abusive behaviours and he definitely doesn't have any of those.

But you're right what he is doing here is not nice.

He is waving a massive red flag of sticking up for your abusive ex

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2021 03:31

I was going to say maybe you rant about him a bit, but I see the engaged bit. Don’t get married to someone who is choosing to believe a complete stranger over you when he is supposed to know and love you (not to mention the court result!) That can only end badly.

PurpleOkapi · 12/11/2021 06:04

Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

I don't see what he did wrong here. He didn't witness whatever it was, so had nothing to contribute. Maybe he'd have had more to say if he'd seen the court papers, or maybe he wouldn't have, but you knew he hadn't seen them, so why does this matter? You seem to want him to blindly agree with everything you say, while he's understandably reluctant to express an opinion without knowing the facts. It seems like you're subconsciously relying on him to validate your opinions and decisions by agreeing with them, and that's not fair to either of you.

1MillionDollars · 12/11/2021 06:10

So what I'm getting is....

If he doesn't agree with you that the ex is a dick, you don't like it.

My ex would moan about things her ex did, she would show me messages and sometimes i would agree and other times tell her she was wrong/didn't need to speak to him like that/say that.

Now that I'm the ex I can fully see how she behaved with him and I can see his side of the story more.

I don't know your situation and maybe your boyfriend feels that there is always two sides to a story.

Stop involving him in your drama. Deal with it yourself. I did 12 years of being involved and trying to be supportive in my ex's dramas with her ex and children. It's draining.

Mouseonmychair · 12/11/2021 06:59

@PurpleOkapi

Absolutely correct. I don't see this as sticking up for the OP's ex it is remaining neutral which seems s perfectly sensible thing to have done. But of course will be branded on here a woman hater which seems completely wrong.

Indoctro · 12/11/2021 07:06

He is maybe sick of hearing you go on about him

Maybe doesn't believe what you say after all there is your side , his side and the truth somewhere in the middle

Maybe he thinks it's not a nice personality trait to hear you being unkind about another person, maybe best to keep thought to yourself if they aren't nice

I would find it pretty uncomfortable to hear a prayer slating another person constantly

frazzledasarock · 12/11/2021 07:08

If a man I was in a relationship with stuck up or sympathised with abusive ex that would be a massive red flag for me.

I do sometimes off load and talk about ex to my DH, when he’s done something new and particularly nasty. And DH always is my back. Of course your husband/partner should have your back. What’s this rubbish of ‘you can’t expect it from a man’?

I would not be committing further to your boyfriend. He doesn’t have your back, he empathises with your abusive ex. If you split up he’ll use the same strategies your ex did because the two of them using the same accusation gives the accusations more weight.

This won’t end well.

1MillionDollars · 12/11/2021 07:49

@frazzledasarock

He's not sticking up for an abusive man he is just being rationale. He wasn't there he doesn't know the facts and by the looks of it just doesn't want to get involved.

The OP appears maybe in certain circumstances for him to just agree he is a dick to cement her way of thinking and to just agree.

It is the boyfriends right to express that he just doesn't want to be involved with all this stuff. It's her choice to decide he is not supportive enough. Who is right or wrong.

1MillionDollars · 12/11/2021 07:52

My ex claimed her ex was abusive. I believed her as he can be a bit of a dick. But let me tell you now I feel for her ex and she is no angel either, so what kind of things did she do in that relationship?

I've been at the end of days and days of silent treatment from her, did she do that with her ex.

BruiserWoods · 12/11/2021 07:56

Echoing whats been said but why would you do this to yourself? New "partner" sides with yr abusive x ????

Ourlady · 12/11/2021 08:00

Is he the type of person who doesn't call anybody and sees the best in everybody.
Would he be more vocal if you had an argument with anyone other than your ex or would you get the same reaction?

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2021 08:59

[quote 1MillionDollars]@frazzledasarock

He's not sticking up for an abusive man he is just being rationale. He wasn't there he doesn't know the facts and by the looks of it just doesn't want to get involved.

The OP appears maybe in certain circumstances for him to just agree he is a dick to cement her way of thinking and to just agree.

It is the boyfriends right to express that he just doesn't want to be involved with all this stuff. It's her choice to decide he is not supportive enough. Who is right or wrong.[/quote]
He knows there was a court case and the abuse proven. He is sticking up for an abusive man. And ‘I wasn’t there so I don’t know’ is just code for I think you are making it up. That’s not marriage material.

me4real · 12/11/2021 17:29

Maybe doesn't believe what you say after all there is your side , his side and the truth somewhere in the middle

@Indoctro Not really, sometimes one person is genuinely the victim and the other is the perpetrator.

timeisnotaline · 13/11/2021 00:13

@me4real

Maybe doesn't believe what you say after all there is your side , his side and the truth somewhere in the middle

@Indoctro Not really, sometimes one person is genuinely the victim and the other is the perpetrator.

And should you really marry someone who has that approach? I wouldn’t.

PurpleOkapi · 13/11/2021 01:38

Crazy thought: someone having abused an ex-partner doesn't mean that person is automatically 100% wrong in every other thing they say or do, before or since. The fact that OP's ex was abusive in the past, or even in the present, doesn't mean OP is 100% in the right every time they have a disagreement. Real life, and real people, are more complicated than that.

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