Partner sticking up for my abusive ex

[CatalinaCasesolver]

My ex and father of my child was horribly abusive particularly throughout my pregnancy.

We split before baby was born and I kept up with contact for the sake of the child but as baby was EBF I was there with her in those early days. Anyway in continuation of his abuse when baby was just a few months old he took me to court, attempting to take her from me completely, citing all sorts of horrible lies.

This was obviously a terribly traumatic time as a new mother and had a significant impact on my mental health.

Things did not go as he had hoped and he ended up seeing baby in contact centre because the judge saw he is abusive. We are now some years down the line and he sees his child regularly but he is still the arsehole he always was and I do not like interacting with him but do it because I have to. Things tick along but we occasionally get into disagreements as he is arrogant, condescending and pompous towards me and occasionally I bite.

Anyway my issue here is that my current partner (5 years) always always sticks up for him. Sometimes I actually just want to let off steam and say some petty things about what a twat he is, sometimes I am genuinely upset by interactions that take me back to my trauma.

My partner is a dad himself and coparents with his ex but his child is a lot older than mine and he doesn't have the same experience as me. It feels like he is taking my anger towards my ex as a personal insult to him some how and is defensive in his favour, which is just bizarre.

I don't talk about my ex a lot but when I do i expect my partner to be supportive like my friends and family are. Today for example I was saying something about my ex and he just sat in silence, I then asked him why he was silent and he just said he had nothing to say. I then said well if you saw what he wrote on the court papers you would! To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

This feels to me like a betrayal as he is invalidating my experience and even, dare I say, questioning it?!

I feel let down and don't know how to get past this. Am I over reacting here?

@VelvetRope212

But why are you letting off steam about about ex to him? Talk to a friend. I don't think it's fair on your partner to offload that.

Probably one of the most unrealistic & unreasonable things I've seen written on this forum.

Not at all. Why is that unrealistic? My reality is just fine thanks

@VelvetRope212 no its not actually. Being a partner doesn't mean you are a dumping ground

*To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

So he stated a fact and you accuse him of siding with your ex?*

A fact that implies op could be lying (!)

Yet court saw through her ex and his malicious, frankly sinister attempt to abuse her through the courts and take her child off her whoch backfired into supervised contact for him ..... proves ops ex is a liar, not her.

If she's good enough to be his partner (soon to be wife?) •and step parents to his kid/s; why is she not good enough to believe she's truthful about any incident with her proven liar and abuser ex?

It shouldn't be a conversation, it's a given her ex is a hjgky abusive, dishonest individual... there shouldn't be any doubt. There's something something quite right with him.

This is fundamental.

I wouldn't be marrying him or making him my kids step parent op.

[quote Lifewith]@VelvetRope212 no its not actually. Being a partner doesn't mean you are a dumping ground[/quote]
This is not being a dumping ground.

This is normal discussion of issues while in a relationship.

The lack of realism on this thread is almost comical.

Yes again we get the contrary and critical of op for the sake of it posters on MN. Honesty some posters on here should be fkg ashamed of themselves. You re-victimise women posting on her.

@VelvetRope212

*To which he replied "I wasn't there so I don't know".

So he stated a fact and you accuse him of siding with your ex?*

A fact that implies op could be lying (!)

Yet court saw through her ex and his malicious, frankly sinister attempt to abuse her through the courts and take her child off her whoch backfired into supervised contact for him ..... proves ops ex is a liar, not her.

If she's good enough to be his partner (soon to be wife?) •and step parents to his kid/s; why is she not good enough to believe she's truthful about any incident with her proven liar and abuser ex?

It shouldn't be a conversation, it's a given her ex is a hjgky abusive, dishonest individual... there shouldn't be any doubt. There's something something quite right with him.

This is fundamental.

I wouldn't be marrying him or making him my kids step parent op.

Thank you

@VelvetRope212
Whoah there, don't f**King shame me. You don't know my experiences or my life and how dare you presume things. I can reply on a forum to the OP how I feel.
So back off.

Op I am not beo being critical of you as it sounds a very difficult situation. My remedies were from the info given. I don't know the ins and our of your life's and I certainly wouldn't victim blame.
I hope you find a way forward

Replies, not remedies!

Op, I don't think you're in the wrong at all, abd I'd carefully examine your relationship wity this man, and i wouldn't be escalating your commitment to him.

Do you have any assets? Hd starts to get a claim on them from the minute you're married. Not so great if you end up divorcing because this and any other issues scupper the relationship in future.

The very best of luck to you anyway.

What your ex tried to do to you and your child is evil, I'm.so glad justice prevailed for you. You need to practice grey rock and utterly minimise any impact he has on you, as he's still trying to abuse you. Thete should only be chlld arrangements, that's it. Perhaps see women's aid or rights of women about recording for a harassment case against him, you shouldn't have to put up with this abuse and constantly try not to bite back.

@Lifewith

Op I am not beo being critical of you as it sounds a very difficult situation. My remedies were from the info given. I don't know the ins and our of your life's and I certainly wouldn't victim blame. I hope you find a way forward

Thank you

@VelvetRope212

Op, I don't think you're in the wrong at all, abd I'd carefully examine your relationship wity this man, and i wouldn't be escalating your commitment to him.

Do you have any assets? Hd starts to get a claim on them from the minute you're married. Not so great if you end up divorcing because this and any other issues scupper the relationship in future.

The very best of luck to you anyway.

What your ex tried to do to you and your child is evil, I'm.so glad justice prevailed for you. You need to practice grey rock and utterly minimise any impact he has on you, as he's still trying to abuse you. Thete should only be chlld arrangements, that's it. Perhaps see women's aid or rights of women about recording for a harassment case against him, you shouldn't have to put up with this abuse and constantly try not to bite back.

Thanks, no assets really, we are saving for a house deposit but this will be 50/50.

Maybe he's taking it as a personal insult because he sees some of his own behaviour towards his ex in the way your ex treats and treated you? Or maybe he just thinks your the crazy ex wife.

@Thatsplentyjack

Maybe he's taking it as a personal insult because he sees some of his own behaviour towards his ex in the way your ex treats and treated you? Or maybe he just thinks your the crazy ex wife.

I do think there is some truth in this, that he just thinks I'm the crazy ex.

What you described, does not qualify as him either, taking Ex's side, defending EX or, invalidating your experience.

He's right; he wasn't there, he doesn't know what EX put in court papers; he knows you had a bad time but he does NOT know all the incidents and instances of the abuse. Or want to. It hurts him too.

How do you think DP feels when you go on and on about EX and that horrible time (that has nothing to do with him). He loves you, he hates to think of you being hurt. He is NOT AN ABUSER LIKE EX but the poor guy is still getting all the flak and anger and misery of your past recycled in his face as if there's some collective manguilt he has to atone and compensate for. He can't win.

    Don't  let  your   focus on toxic  EX get between you and  poison your  new relationship  like he poisoned your old one.  EX is just not worth it.

  Face the fact, you have been wounded and scarred by your past.

Accept yourself as you are, own your own burdens and don't blame /accuse DP because he can't carry them for you . It's not DP's job.

DP isn't superman, and he isn't perfect, nobody is. It's OKAY for both of you to be less than perfect.

May be he is being submissive because he does not want to fuel your emotions and hatred for this man any more than you already am - if he stays quiet and non judgemental perhaps he thinks he is calming the situation and not getting into a rant about your ex.
He may feel your ex in encrouching in your relationship and wants to limit the time spent talking about him.
It is a shame these vile ex's have to remain in our lives due to contact with children - wouldn't it be great if you could just cut all ties

I could understand a stance of not wanting to get involved to some extent...but I would personally have a very low tolerance for a partner behaving in a way which tried to invalidate my feelings regarding past abuse. Or for a coward who took my abusive exs side either because he was frightened of him or because he maybe even wanted me to feel as if I was in so way responsible for having been abused.

After a five year relationship I don't think it's too much to ask for a partner to say 'he did what? What a cunt. You don't deserve that. I love you and you know I'm here for you and have your back'. It's not asking for much.

He sounds cold as fuck. Dont marry or combine finances with this guy for anything.

There's three sides to every story, and your partner is only hearing yours.

You went from one abusive prick to another. Marrying this useless twat will be the biggest mistake of your life.

You have every right to slag off your ex! Carry on if it makes you feel better!! If this is the one bone of contention then vent to your family & friends to get support for that? Xxx

From the example given, he is not invalidating your experience. He’s just not prepared to offer an opinion on something he doesn’t understand.

You demanded an opinion on a situation and because it wasn’t one that you expected, so you’re being dramatic.

Your exchange with him sounded like it was a test.

Could it be that he just doesn’t want to get involved? Some people don’t agree with bad mouthing exes which it seems like you do a lot of? My ex is horrible and doesn’t see my kids at all but whenever I speak to my mum about him she does the same just stays quiet or says “oh”

Is it a full moon? Some of these comments?! Any son of a bitch that defended an abusive ex of mine would be an ex so fast his head would spin!

If he doesn't see anything wrong with the way your ex treated you then that tells me he wouldn't have a problem treating you the same way

@EKGEMS no full moon, just the usual excuses for awful male behaviour, whilst criticising the OP🙄

@billy1966 Gotcha