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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m trapped with a man I don’t love

87 replies

MaggienLola2 · 10/11/2021 13:38

OP posts:

MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 14:04

In a lift? In a traffic jam?

Original poster

MaggienLola2 · 10/11/2021 14:24

I’m sorry I’m new to this and have written this post 3 times and it hasn’t posted.

Anyway I will try again here, a bit of background

I’m 55 and lived with my partner for 18 months, we have bought this house together and renovated it and it’s beautiful but I’m very unhappy.
4 weeks after we moved in his 25yr old son asked to move in as it wasn’t working out at his mums as she wouldn’t let his girlfriend stay the night more than twice a week ( I think that’s fair enough) so the next weekend he moved in and the girlfriend was with him and she has been here ever since without asking if this was ok ! I mentioned it to my partner and he said he didn’t mind but I said well I bloody well do but nothing was ever said about it and they have just carried on. They are at it like rabbits every night and you can hear everything, my partner just laughs it off. I find it so disrespectful. They are in the process of buying a place and should be moving in a few weeks time . For me though the rot has already set in and I’ve been made to feel like a lodger in my own house.

My partner works hard and is self employed he has some kind and generous qualities but some horrible ones too.
He buys me little gifts of chocolate,wine and flowers but it doesn’t make up for the fact that him and his son have taken me for granted and I feel really pissed offf by the whole situation I just don’t want to here anymore.

My partner drinks large amounts at the weekends and social occasions even family bbqs when the grandchildren are around, he becomes loud mouthed know it all and swears constantly in front of them. I don’t like that it’s awful.
He always grabs my boobs when I walk past or just sat chilling on the sofa, I tell him I don’t like it he will stop doing it for a while but then will start doing it again. We haven’t had sex for over a year and that suits me as it was always bad one sided sex and just kissing him goodnight now makes me cringe.

I want to sell up and rent somewhere by myself as this relationship has run it’s course but I feel so cruel doing this to him as this house is his pride and joy and I know he will be gutted. He tells me he loves me but it’s not the way I think love should be with some of his actions and I just don’t love him anymore.

I don’t know what I’m asking but some advice or clarity on my situation as I’m in such a bad place with all this I don’t like the sad unhappy person I’ve become.
Sorry it’s long but thank you for reading this far .

OP posts:

TowandaForever · 10/11/2021 14:27

Not sure why you feel conflicted. He's awful and your first responsibility is to yourself.

TowandaForever · 10/11/2021 14:28

Not saying it won't be difficult you can do this op!

Original poster

MaggienLola2 · 10/11/2021 14:31

I forgot to mention the money side of things

Every month my wage goes into the joint account and comes out the next day to pay the mortgage, he gets paid every 3 weeks or so and pays half into the joint account, this covers bills food and fuel .
Sometimes there isn’t enough money left over for food or he is late gett Paid so this has a massive knock on effect I’m left constantly broke or chasing my tail to pay the bank back what had gone out over the arranged overdraft.
I never have any personal money it’s horrible everything I earn is swallowed up , I’ve told him this makes me unhappy but it just doesn’t seem to sink in …

OP posts:

Salayes · 10/11/2021 14:31

He loves the house more than he loves you. Why would you feel bad about him losing the house if he’s being such a bad partner?

At the end of the day he thinks he’s got you trapped and you won’t leave but you’re not trapped. You can say you want to split and sell. After how he’s been treating you what do you feel you owe him to put his happiness and love of the house above your misery at being with him?

Salayes · 10/11/2021 14:33

I posted before seeing your latest update - are you saying you pay for the entire mortgage, using all your wage and he only pays half his wage into the joint account?

MimiDaisy11 · 10/11/2021 14:34

You know you’ll be better off if you leave. Life is short. Just do it. Best wishes.

Hoppinggreen · 10/11/2021 14:36

Well you aren’t trapped are you?
You don’t have children or own a house with him
It’s only your misplaced guilt keeping you there

HollowTalk · 10/11/2021 14:45

You can't live like this, OP. Having to listen to his son and his g/f having sex and being groped by your partner. Having no money. Sharing space with a waste of space. Of course he loves his house - it's twice what he could afford on his own.

Tell him you're leaving and then put the house up for sale that day. Do you think he'll get difficult with you?

HollowTalk · 10/11/2021 14:45

@Hoppinggreen

Well you aren’t trapped are you? You don’t have children or own a house with him It’s only your misplaced guilt keeping you there

But she DOES own a house with him!

MyMILisLovely · 10/11/2021 14:48

@Hoppinggreen, OP and her partner jointly own a house

LemonTT · 10/11/2021 14:53

Still the OP isn’t trapped by anything other than guilt or fear of his reaction.

I assume he managed to house himself before and if he needs a place temporarily his son can oblige.

Tell him he can buy you out or the house goes on the market and you split the equity.

Start looking for a place for yourself.

pointythings · 10/11/2021 15:06

End the relationship. Yes, the house will have to go - but so what.
Stop paying your full wages into the joint account. Pay a fair share according to both your earnings - your partner isn't pulling his financial weight right now.
And just get the hell out. What have you got to lose?

Hoppinggreen · 10/11/2021 15:11

[quote MyMILisLovely]@Hoppinggreen, OP and her partner jointly own a house[/quote]
Sorry I missed that.
I thought they were selling and THEN buying together
My bad

Mix56 · 10/11/2021 15:12

Well for starters, the son & gf should have been participating £ rather than you being broke.
You need to tell your P that its not working & while the house is sold, these leaches will have to help with food/utilities. As you are not their mother & are broke thanks to them.
Total lack of respect. Its over

category12 · 10/11/2021 15:23

Crazy that all your wages go into the joint account if he's only paying in half of his.

Get your own account immediately and stop being mugged off.

category12 · 10/11/2021 15:38

Get a valuation on the house and get the wheels in motion to split and sell up.

Torres10 · 10/11/2021 15:45

Check the legalities around the house sale, and get it on the market.
You have only been in the house 18months, he can't be that attached to it, more likely attached to fact you are paying for it I suspect!

Katyrosebug · 10/11/2021 15:51

Get out, sell up, it'll be the best thing you've ever done

zafferana · 10/11/2021 15:56

OMG OP just split up and sell the fucking house! You've been together 18 months - that's all. He's a pig, his DS is a pig and he loves the house more than he loves you. You haven't even had sex for 12 of those 18 months. Have some self respect FGS and leave. I mean, what's the alternative? You sit around with him in the house he loves for the rest of your life, feeling sidelined, angry and miserable? You have one life and this is it. Make the best of it.

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2021 15:59

You have not had sex In a year so 8 months into your relationship you .didn't want sex. But you bought a house with him anyway? What did you think was going to happen . You need to leave him sell the house what's the point in living with a man who is clearly a sleaze that you haven't known 2 years!

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2021 16:02

He can buy you out of the house if he loves it that much or maybe his son can just stay and pay towards the mortgage. Only martyrdom Is keeping. You there

Bookworm20 · 10/11/2021 16:10

So you'd only been in your house 4 weeks before his son and GF rocked up and moved in? Do they pay anything for living there?

I understand if they were in a situation where they had to leave such as house sale or rental issues, but the reason is just that his DM wouldn't let his GF stay. So you've been burdoned with them since then. I really hope they have been contributing.

Add to that you were newly in your house together, of a fairly new relationship. Sorry but he is really taking the piss isn't he.
And you pay all your wage, but he only pays half? How is that fair, who decided on that?

On top of that he drinks alot and by the sounds of it assaults you fairly regularly. The sex is one sideed and crap. Sounds like he is a selfish bastard and does not see you as an equal in this relationship at all. certainly does not care about you in the way a loving partner should.

So do not feel guilty for having to sell the house and move on. he is not making you happy. He is totally taking advantage of you. If he decided to move on I bet he wouldn't give a second thought about how you'd feel.

You can do ALOT better than this. He sounds hidious. No wonder you can't stand to have sex with him anymore.

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2021 16:19

I think you need to redirect your wages immediately get.your own account why are you paying for everything?

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