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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m trapped with a man I don’t love

87 replies

MaggienLola2 · 10/11/2021 13:38

..

OP posts:
Original poster
MaggienLola2 · 10/11/2021 16:28

Hi and thank you for all your messages and yes you are all right !! It’s just really helping me to see it all in black n white

Just to clarify the financial situation,his son has been giving his dad £60 a week in cash for the pair of them to live here,I never see a penny of that and he pays half of what he earns every 3weeks as his contribution to the household, but because he is self employed it’s sometimes not as regular which leaves me broke for a good 80 % of the time. His contribution in theory is £800 a month more than mine but is never paid at the same time every month so my wage goes in one fell swoop and I’m waiting for him to pay in the bank …it’s a bloody nightmare!!

I just need to pluck up the courage to have the chat with him and tell him it’s over and the house will have to be sold. I can’t leave until it’s sold as I have a dog n cat and will need money to rent ie deposit and such like .

Also to clarify we have lived together 18 months but have been together for 3 years

OP posts:
GrandOld · 10/11/2021 16:35

Set yourself free OP.

This sounds miserable.

MollyButton · 10/11/2021 16:43

First thing : stop your salary going into the joint account.
Second get some estate agents to value the place.

And Get out!

Bananalanacake · 10/11/2021 17:23

Why live together, just enjoy a relationship living separately and keep all your money to yourself.

AgentJohnson · 11/11/2021 02:52

He landed on his feet when he met you didn’t he.

He sounds vile. You don’t need to pluck up the courage, you need to find your anger to dump this freeloading, entitled sex pest. Why would you feel sorry for someone who doesn’t pay his way and who has zero respect for you?

Bogeyes · 11/11/2021 03:10

Time to move on.

nocnoc · 11/11/2021 05:27

This sounds awful. You need out

PermanentTemporary · 11/11/2021 05:42

It's true you can't split up and have him continuing to think well of you; he'll turn against you (does he slag off other exes?) That's inevitable. I hope you're not frightened of him.

Sometimes getting some legal advice helps it feel positive and real. I can imagine it's difficult to see how you can get a rental deposit together when your money is funding the house. I'm not great on the financial side but again the legal advice may help to see how you could move forward.

RosieLeeD · 11/11/2021 06:45

You already know what you need to do abs want to do, you just need to be brave enough and strong enough to do it.

The house may have been his pride and job but it was also your home and he didn't respect your privacy.

Don't drag it out any longer than you need to and good luck!

RosieLeeD · 11/11/2021 06:45

Sorry for the typos..

TopCatsTopHat · 11/11/2021 06:51

He doesn't listen to our care about what you need. So first I would protect anything he could spoil before I pull the plug because I wouldn't trust he wouldn't get nasty. Seperate finances, put aside anything you care about in a safe place, photos, passport whatever it might be.
Once you're organised do it.
If you are on the house deeds as joint tenants or tenants in common (think that's the right terms) you can divide the property differently, one gives 50/50 regardless of contribution one does not, so check that out.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/11/2021 07:00

1.Get your wage paid into your own account NOW.
Then you pay half of the mortgage and bills into the joint account.

  1. Contact the bank and remove any overdraft or loan facility from your joint account. This is very important.
  2. Start looking at rental properties and get the money together. When you move out I’d only expect you to pay half of the house insurance and mortgage.
  3. Get the house valued, and on the market if he can’t afford to buy you out.
  4. Is there a spare room you can move into ?
  5. If it all goes sour and you feel scared or threatened, call the police.
PicsInRed · 11/11/2021 07:11

He's a cocklodger and you're there to find his lifestyle.

Sell the house and dont buy a house with a man again - your house = your retirement, comfortable or otherwise.

PicsInRed · 11/11/2021 07:11

*fund

GoodnightGrandma · 12/11/2021 11:25

@MaggienLola2

Hi and thank you for all your messages and yes you are all right !! It’s just really helping me to see it all in black n white

Just to clarify the financial situation,his son has been giving his dad £60 a week in cash for the pair of them to live here,I never see a penny of that and he pays half of what he earns every 3weeks as his contribution to the household, but because he is self employed it’s sometimes not as regular which leaves me broke for a good 80 % of the time. His contribution in theory is £800 a month more than mine but is never paid at the same time every month so my wage goes in one fell swoop and I’m waiting for him to pay in the bank …it’s a bloody nightmare!!

I just need to pluck up the courage to have the chat with him and tell him it’s over and the house will have to be sold. I can’t leave until it’s sold as I have a dog n cat and will need money to rent ie deposit and such like .

Also to clarify we have lived together 18 months but have been together for 3 years

How are you doing OP ?
Original poster
MaggienLola2 · 12/11/2021 12:03

Hi
I’m ok I’ve made up my mind that I want to sell the house and part ways, I’m just plucking up the courage now to tell him. The son and girlfriend should be gone by the end of Nov so I will have the chat with him then I think .

My chances of going on to buy my own house again will be very low on my own but for now I’m content with the idea of renting and see where that takes me

I don’t think I will bother with another relationship after this as I just constantly long to be alone and I can’t stand being touched now in any way it’s really put me off men for life x

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 12/11/2021 12:05

I think you should get your salary paid into an account in your name only as a priority.

zafferana · 13/11/2021 08:44

I wouldn't wait until the end of November. Carpe diem OP! Get the ball rolling. Talk to a solicitor next week. Get all your ducks in a row.

Tyredofallthis1 · 13/11/2021 09:05

If you wait until the end of November, you will start worrying about bad stuff just before Christmas. And that's if the son actually moves out.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Original poster
MaggienLola2 · 16/11/2021 13:29

Hi ,
I had the chat with him on Sunday told him that I’m so unhappy and really angry about the way I have been treated as in not being seen as important enough to make decisions about whether his sons girlfriend can live here and also some other decisions he’s made on his own regarding the house.

I also told him that I don’t love him in a romantic way and that we live like brother and sister and I no longer would want to have sex with him again.

I also mentioned having no money has really worn me down and it’s awful that I’m burdened with all the household bills and finances.
I told him I want to sell the house and go our separate ways.

He was gutted to say the least and asked if we could try and see how things go ie after we have sorted finances and see if it’s better when the son and girlfriend have moved out and it’s just us.

I said that I will give it till beginning of January and if I still felt the same the house will be sold and we separate. He seemed ok with this.

I stayed at my friends last night after work and had some thinking time and I really can’t see me feeling differently as the damage has been done and I know that any love or feeling I had before have disappeared.

I’m a bag of nerves as I know the inevitable will have to happen but I’m also a soft hearted person who doesn’t like hurting anyone.
He’s been texting me whilst at work and last night telling me that he really does love me but I can’t reply back as the feeling isn’t mutual anymore.
I feel dreadful I just want this to be over.

OP posts:
layladomino · 16/11/2021 13:44

Then make the decision and finish it now!

You know you won't change your mind, so by delaying things you are a) delaying being happy yourself and b) giving him some hope when you know it isn't real. If he is a decent person that isn't a fair thing to do. If he isn't a decent person, he doesn't deserve your concern.

He has treated you like rubbish, and only when you tell him you want to split does he start making any sort of effort. And I'm not convinced he's doing anything different other than making promises and sending texts. No effort required at all.

He sounds vile. Selfish. Thoughtless. No respect. Pawing you when you've asked him not to. Making decisions about your home without talking to you. Making you struggle financially. Ignoring your feelings. That is who he is. And any shortterm changes he makes in order to reel you back in will be just that - short term. He will revert to his normal behaviour very quickly.

And even if he was a decent person - you don't love him and don't fancy him. There is no future in this relationship.

Please stop putting his feelings ahead of your own. Has he ever put your feelings first? From what you've said he's never bothered with your feelings at all. Treat him as he's treated you - do what you want, do what's right for you.

You could have a much happier Christmas, in your own (maybe modest, rented) place. Free and happy and looking forward to a much happier future.

If you decide to wait it out until January, what will change? He might put a few weeks of effort in. More bunches of flowers, a showy Christmas gift, declarations of love that are meaningless, promises that he never intends to keep.

TheRustler · 16/11/2021 14:05

Nothing will change by January, other than you'll feel 59% more obliged on account of the lavish Christmas gifts he'll produce in an effort to make you feel 'loved'. Since you don't want to feel loved, this will only intensify your guilt to excruciating levels.

You've ripped off the plaster. Start planning your exit.

category12 · 16/11/2021 15:41

What's he going to do regarding the money situation in the next couple of months?

It's really not fair to have all your money going on the mortgage and then you having nothing until he puts in a share. He needs to be putting money in ahead of the mortgage payment going out so it isn't wiping out your contribution. If he's really sorry and wanting to work things out, it's a practical thing he can set up right now. He can also pay his kid's contribution into the joint account.

If he's just saying stuff and doing nothing, then you're just wasting your time.

Cherrysoup · 16/11/2021 15:45

Tell him to stop messaging you and temporarily block him. Tell him his poor decisions and shitty behaviour, the grabbing and the financial uselessness have led to this. Ugh, I feel for you, OP, you are right to leave.

zafferana · 17/11/2021 10:52

I'm glad you spoke to him OP and also that you got out of the house, to your friend's place, to clear your head and think objectively about the situation. It sounds like you're regretting giving him until January and are now sure of your own thoughts on this. So go home and tell him that having had a chance to reflect on the situation you are sure of what you want and that there is no point dragging things out until January - that you want to move ahead now.

From your earlier posts it's clear that you're a gentle person who doesn't want to hurt others, but you can't split up without some hurt and again, what's the alternative? You stay with him just so as not to hurt his feelings? He's hurt your feelings without even realising what a selfish pig he's been and talk is cheap. Now he realises what he's done in treating you so poorly and what that will mean (the sale of the house), he's trying to back-peddle, but @layladomino is right, talk is cheap, a few wheedling texts means nothing. Take a deep breath and do what you have to do OP. You've already told him it's over and that you don't love or fancy him any more. Don't waste any more of your life (or his, if you want to be generous), in this past-its-sell-by-date relationship.