I’m trapped with a man I don’t love

[MaggienLola2]

..

When I discovered that my wife was cheating on me with the man she is now married to I was devastated and tried all sorts of ways to persuade her to give us more time and a chance to make things better. She refused, and looking back I'm glad she stuck to her guns and offered me no false hope.
You need to get away from this man - even if he's lovely - as soon as possible. Waiting till January is cruel to both of you.

Please get you salary paid into a separate account asap.

Are you owed money from him.

4 adults living in the house and two of them paying fxxk all.

You need to stop being so passive and soft.

The house needs to go on the market asap.

You can't stand him touching you and he is a drunken mauling pest.

He sounds odious.

OP, have you thought of counselling?

This man and his son and girlfriend have used you 100% for the past 18 months.

They have treated you like a complete mug.

I am around the same age as you.
You have lots of living to do once you sell this house.

Do NOT waste any more time being used by these people.

Keep posting.

Plenty of on line dating agencies take a secret boyfriend once you have a healthy sexual relationship you will feel better. Honestly what have you got to lose? Go for a younger guy with staying power if possible.

Honestly, just replace the ‘I really do love you’ texts with what he actually means which is ‘I really do love this house’. Of course he’ll promise change and tell you he loves you, the alternative is selling this house he’s so keen on.

You say you’re soft-hearted and don’t like hurting anyone, but that’s not entirely true, because when you put other people’s needs (or selfishness) ahead of your own in this way you’re hurting yourself. Get that compassion and soft heart and turn it back on yourself! You deserve to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

@Salayes

Great post and 100%correct.

Thanks everyone your replies are so helpful and so right with your advice, my anxiety is through the roof and then I start wondering if I’m taking this out of proportion and being hard about it all.

But then I think about all the decisions and things that’s happened since we moved in here and absolutely no thought for my feelings at all and I know it’s the right thing to do …I must be strong

I’ve been looking today at rental properties and 1 months rent is my whole wage ( I’m a Nurse) I don’t earn a lot really, I would get a bit of help with universal credit but it’s going to be a struggle. I will have about 50k left in equity from the sale of the house but that has to be put away safely as I don’t want it frittering away over time in case I can think of a way I could buy a more permanent home on my own
There isn’t many 2 bed rentals available in my area at the moment plus I have a dog and cat to consider. I would leave now and go and stay with my friend but I couldn’t take my beloved cat as she has dogs of her own that aren’t cat friendly.And I don’t trust him with her being left here until I get my own place

Thanks for all the support it really is helping me see I’m in a one sided relationship and I need to move on.

Great that you had the chat with your ex

Stay strong & priorities yourself

Get 3 valuations on the property
Get property on the market asap

You don't actually need to move out until the property is sold. Just live separately under the same roof. It will be difficult, but it will save you money.

It is good that you have a friend for support

Good luck

Stop subsidising them with your wage NOW.

Transfer half the morgage and NO more.

Stop doing ANYTHING for them in the house.
Stop buying any food, laundry, anything that benefits them.

Are you owed money from them living there?
Having you been subsidising his son and girlfriend?

That needs repaying.

This is not the time to be bullied and soft.

Keep posting.

I’ve left him
I’m staying at my friends I’m a mess
Now need to get my head straight and get stronger for what lies ahead
I just couldn’t do it anymore 😢

Have you taken money from the joint account?
Stop your salary paying his bills.

Tell work you have left an abusive situation and you need your salary paid into another account.

This man has been financially abusing you, as has his son.

Well done for getting out.
You need to make sure you get every penny due to you.

Keep posting.

Well done op. You have definitely done the right thing. How are you feeling about your decision now? It's the first step towards a better life. It is so hard to take that first step but hopefully you have the determination to stick to your guns and ignore his attempts to have you return.

How did he take you moving out? Have you changed where your salary gets paid in to? You obviously need to ensure that the mortgage is still paid (by both of you!) as you do not want to default

Hi , I’m feeling anxious and a bit scared about everything in front of me ie selling that house getting my money and finding somewhere to rent but it’s so much better than being sat in that awful situation being made a fool of.

His reply was “ I’m sorry I made you feel that way I didn’t mean too” I think he expects me to have a few days away and then start missing him and the house …. Not going to happen there is nothing to miss nothing I want to go back to that situation for.

I’ve sorted my wage going into another new account I’ve opened and I will pay half the mortgage into that joint account until the house has bee sold.

I feel free, relieved and scared all rolled into one
But I will definitely not be going back

I want to sell up and rent somewhere by myself as this relationship has run it’s course but I feel so cruel doing this to him as this house is his pride and joy and I know he will be gutted.

Yeah, it was your pride & joy too, until he unilaterally moved 2 unwelcome lodgers in.

FFS your man is a gropy sex pest who never listens to you, disrespects you in your own home, is financially abusing you, & is an embarrassing drunken pottymouth socially.

WHY are you the one feeling "cruel" for wanting to finish this?

Get that house on the market.
You don't need his permission or approval.
He is leeching you dry. Get out!

Well done OP.

It is very positive that you no longer feel like such a fool.

The house needs to go on the market asap.

Remember to have a look at what you have contributed.

He deliberately moved his son in, screwing you financially.

You pay 50% of the morgage and he gets a home for him, his son and his girlfriend.

Complete CF's the lot of them.

Youf feelings of relief are going to grow and possibly your feelings of anger too.

Practice your narrative, he utterly disregarded your wishes in YOUR home.

His behaviour was completely unacceptable and you are done.

The sooner the house is sold the better.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

He’s been texting me whilst at work and last night telling me that he really does love me

No he doesn't.
A man who loved you wouldn't have been a gropy disrespectful bellend toward you.

What he loved is having you there to pay the mortgage & do the adulting while he pockets his son's £60 a week & ignores anything that you want.

Congratulations on your resolve not to fall for his bullshit & to never go back to him

Ref Texting

Too little, too late

Stay strong

How are you feeling OP?

Be prepared that he may want to drag his heels and try and love bomb you because suddenly he has realised his easy ride is gone.

He's a user, don't pay an ounce of attention to him.

Your utilities must have been larger with two extra adults.

Make sure you get every penny of what is owed.

Family of complete CF's.

Hi
I’m actually doing ok I feel free and more like my old self again I’ve been down for so long.

I think about what’s ahead with selling the house to get my money and I do feel quite sick with anxiety but I know I can do it and I will get through it . I absolutely know I would never go back so that’s a good feeling.

I haven’t heard a peep since I left on Thursday and messaged him to tell him that I’ve left because even though we had the chat and I told him how I was feeling and as a result have no feelings for him I had to leave because he never mentioned it again and carried on as normal ffs.
I’ve no regrets and don’t think I will in the future.

I’m going to email him on Tuesday just to confirm 100% that it’s over as he probably thinks I will be back after a few days. I’m going to tell him the house will be valued and put on the market next week.
Thanks for your support it’s so appreciated

The only worry that’s playing on my mind is I’ve had to leave my cat behind until I get sorted out
I don’t trust him with animals as I’ve seen him smack his cat before and threatened to leave if he did it again
I just pray my cat will stay out the way until I get her !!!

My gas and electric bill alone is £210 a month as the girlfriend was using the washing machine and tumble dryer every day some times putting the dryer on for up to 4 hours

I’ve been a fool

Op also don’t forget if you’ve renovated the house you may make a really good amount of money at sale and you can use that as a deposit to buy your own place - sounds like you will have a decent amount for the deposit so perhaps you don’t have to rent at all?

Is there any things you alone bought for the house that are worth anything? Like furniture or a tv? A table and chairs? Anything really. Just thinking if you can prove you bought them then you can remove these items and sell them .

Hi
I have purchased 2x TVs a new sofa x 2 plus took a loan in my name for the kitchen but that will come out of the sale and be paid off
I cashed a small 13k pension in about March time and paid 9k for a new drive and garden landscaping
I feel embarrassed writing this down I’ve been such a fool

I took most of my furniture from my old house as it’s lovely but I will be getting that back as it’s very expensive stuff
I paid £1600 for a lovely comfy bed but don’t think I want that as he’s sweated all over it I will let him keep it

Hey I have just joined looking for advice for myself and have been reading your situation with interest.

I am also 55 and have been with my bloke about 8 years. My situation is very similar to yours except I have my own son living with us and my partner has 4 kids if his own 3 of which come over every other weekend with girlfriends! My partner pays for it all though as he has is own business however due to his bad credit history the mortgage and all the loans are all in my name. I lost my job at hmrc indirectly due to being with him so now work for him from home instead. He has also now got me a CCJ in my name so my credit is now also bad

He has been very clever I think in using me to facilitate a lot of financial stuff. I also used my pension to buy a kitchen and new paving etc on the house. I have tolerated daily pestering for sex and sulking if I refused. He would wake me every morning. him drinking every day, his mess and inability to pick up after himself or listen if I ever tried to discuss any of the problems.

The last 3 months I have moved myself into the spare room. I want to leave and sell the house but there is so much at stake. My son has only known this as his home really and thinks of my partners kids as his brothers. If I sell I need to find a job which I'm unsure I will get a decent one due to dismissal from my old job. I'm not sure there will be any money in the property after all debts are paid. I also have a dog and cat which my son adores and rental places pretty much never allow pets

I feel stuck really and wondering if I should just stick it out until my 16 year old is older and wants to get his own place