Should I message his wife?

[YellowRose81]

I’m 40, single and use a couple of dating apps occasionally. A while ago, I saw a guy I used to know at university on Hinge. We were good friends about 20 years ago (had a drunken snog once but nothing else) and are friends on Facebook but never talk really. I swiped right on him just to see what he’d do (for those that don’t know, Hinge is different to Tinder - you get notified if someone “likes” you and can then decide whether to match with them or not) and he matched with me a while later. We had a bit of a chat, just about what we’re up to now, no flirting or anything - it was more of a “haha fancy seeing you here” thing - I knew from Facebook he’d been married and had young kids, but I just presumed he and his wife must have separated/divorced. Eventually in the chat I asked him about his wife, but he never answered and the conversation stopped. I deleted Hinge after a while and forgot about it.

Anyway, I recently saw some photos on Facebook he was tagged in with his wife and their kids so I presumed they must be giving it another go. A few days later I re-downloaded Hinge…and tonight I’ve spotted him on there again.

I’ve just been looking back through the recent photos on FB, there are some she’s put up just from yesterday of them out for Bonfire night with the kids and friends, then some from Halloween etc. To me, they look very much like a family. But maybe they’re just staying amicable for the children? I know it’s not really any of my business but having been screwed over by men in the past and reading a lot about similar experiences from others on here, I am feeling uneasy and wondering if I should message her about seeing him on there. If he/they get angry at me for it, I haven’t lost anything as I don’t really have a friendship with him any more and could just cut him off without too much trouble. But should I do it or should I just mind my own business, swipe him left and forget about it? I’ve screenshot his profile just in case.

Plot twist: the OP has realised that he may now be rethinking his marriage and is desperately trying to get rid of the wife and rekindle the flame. 🤣

@ESGdance

It seems that 99% would want to know - and as you can’t ask the Q to ascertain the A without revealing your hand - it seems that it’s best to err on the side of what 99% want.

It's not the 99% who might end up with an angry husband taking a vendetta against them and calling their employer etc.

The OP should put herself above a complete stranger.

She says she was at University with him but is now 40 and barely knows him. Yet she is looking at family photos of his on Facebook? Nearly 2 decades after University? And coincidentally she just happens to have snogged him at University and is single?
None of this seems as bigger coincidence as it’s written up as to me.

I would send her a screenshot and an apologetic message saying you don't want to interfere in her business but you had seen her husband on Hinge and you thought that she should know.

@Megalameg

She says she was at University with him but is now 40 and barely knows him. Yet she is looking at family photos of his on Facebook? Nearly 2 decades after University? And coincidentally she just happens to have snogged him at University and is single? None of this seems as bigger coincidence as it’s written up as to me.

OP is the OW. 😂

@Megalameg

She says she was at University with him but is now 40 and barely knows him. Yet she is looking at family photos of his on Facebook? Nearly 2 decades after University? And coincidentally she just happens to have snogged him at University and is single? None of this seems as bigger coincidence as it’s written up as to me.

I’m nearly 40 and am Facebook friends with dozens of people I was at university with, none of which I’ve had any contact with in 15+ years

I think it’s pretty common for our age to have been recently out of uni when Facebook launched, and to have added lots of people, but now be at the age where we aren’t prolific users so don’t actively add/delete people but open it every now and again and see whatever pics our friends list has added

I’m not sure what about it strikes you as odd..?

The thing is that only works if the woman wants to know. And plenty don’t.”

I have never, but never, met a woman who would rather she hadn't known. Known sooner? Every time.

Oh god. I did wonder if putting the stuff about having snogged him in was a mistake but then thought if someone asked me how well I’d known him at uni etc and I then mentioned it, it’d look even more like I have an ulterior motive/am after him. I promise I’m not - I wouldn’t have swiped on him if I hadn’t known him (don’t fancy him at all these days) and am sure the same is true for him. My best mate also drunkenly snogged him once when she came to stay with me in uni and we all went out - we were all just young drunk students. Nothing else ever happened.

And re Facebook, it’s exactly as a PP said - I’m friends with a few people from my university days who I’d otherwise have no contact with, we don’t really talk, it’s just nice to have that low level contact still - I definitely haven’t stayed friends with him for any other reason. We chatted a bit when we first became friends on there years ago (one of our mutual friends from university had died so was mostly about that as he didn’t know) but I haven’t spoken to him other than that at all. And I really don’t go sniffing round his profile. Anytime I have seen stuff to do with him it’s just been because someone’s tagged him or he’s put photos up and they’ve come up in my feed. It’s infrequent and I probably wouldn’t have looked twice at it if it hadn’t been for seeing him on Hinge.

Still none the wiser what to do about it but I appreciate everyone’s input, even those who’ve called me a curtain-twitching stalking trouble-making wannabe-OW

So many people putting themselves in the shoes of the women….but it strikes me as so very sad from the viewpoint of the children. They would have very little voice or agency in the case of some nuclear fallout.

“ I would send her a screenshot and an apologetic message saying you don't want to interfere in her business but you had seen her husband on Hinge and you thought that she should know.”

^ This. Absolutely.

I just don't see why you'd get involved in something like this with people you barely know. If it's about 'doing the right thing' then where does it stop? Helping the homeless guy outside the local shop? Befriending the lonely old dear a few doors up?

Exactly, you don’t really know any of them just stay out of it

If it's about 'doing the right thing' then where does it stop? Helping the homeless guy outside the local shop? Befriending the lonely old dear a few doors up?

These dystopian visions are a real wake up call for sure.

I would want to know.
I too have been screwed over by this kind of man.
A couple of years ago my friend saw the guy I was supposedly in a relationship with on Tinder and told me straight away. I was very grateful she did, he got dumped the same day

I actually told a close friend their partner was cheating. He convinced her I was jealous and just trying to split them up. She believed him and never spoke to me ever again. Having lost a friend and ended up the local pariah for telling the truth then being made to look the villain, I'd never do it again. If you're going to do it at all, do it anonymously.

In this situation, I would tell her. As pp said, send an apologetic message saying you’ve seen him on Hinge (twice!) and thought she should know. At least you will give her a reason to do a bit of digging, if she is unaware. There are SO many awful threads on here from women who wished they had known sooner. I would absolutely want to know and would honestly be grateful (after the initial shock) that you had told me.

I’d absolutely tell her. We have got to stop condoning and protecting shitty behaviour. All it does is perpetuate it. Call it out every time. If I was the wife I’d rather know - every single time. At least that way, when you’re making decisions you’re doing so in full knowledge of the facts.