Should I message his wife?

[YellowRose81]

I’m 40, single and use a couple of dating apps occasionally. A while ago, I saw a guy I used to know at university on Hinge. We were good friends about 20 years ago (had a drunken snog once but nothing else) and are friends on Facebook but never talk really. I swiped right on him just to see what he’d do (for those that don’t know, Hinge is different to Tinder - you get notified if someone “likes” you and can then decide whether to match with them or not) and he matched with me a while later. We had a bit of a chat, just about what we’re up to now, no flirting or anything - it was more of a “haha fancy seeing you here” thing - I knew from Facebook he’d been married and had young kids, but I just presumed he and his wife must have separated/divorced. Eventually in the chat I asked him about his wife, but he never answered and the conversation stopped. I deleted Hinge after a while and forgot about it.

Anyway, I recently saw some photos on Facebook he was tagged in with his wife and their kids so I presumed they must be giving it another go. A few days later I re-downloaded Hinge…and tonight I’ve spotted him on there again.

I’ve just been looking back through the recent photos on FB, there are some she’s put up just from yesterday of them out for Bonfire night with the kids and friends, then some from Halloween etc. To me, they look very much like a family. But maybe they’re just staying amicable for the children? I know it’s not really any of my business but having been screwed over by men in the past and reading a lot about similar experiences from others on here, I am feeling uneasy and wondering if I should message her about seeing him on there. If he/they get angry at me for it, I haven’t lost anything as I don’t really have a friendship with him any more and could just cut him off without too much trouble. But should I do it or should I just mind my own business, swipe him left and forget about it? I’ve screenshot his profile just in case.

Id be very cautious. I did it once with really terrible consequences for myself. If you're going to do it I'd honestly say remain anonymous

Sorry but I would tell them. If all women stuck up for eachother instead of burying our heads in the sand on this sort of thing then there would be less cheating men because most would be much more afraid of getting caught! Sorry but to me cheating men (and women) is all our business/problem, it's a creeping disease. I actually believe in marriage and honesty but so feel seem to. Would you be giving the same advice to OP not to get involved if it was your husband or your friend/relatives husband? I think not. Yes there is a risk they may figuratively 'shoot the messenger', just make sure your details are well and truly locked down or do it anonymously. She has a right to know her husband is a lying egotripping toerag.

@TheMILinatorReturns

Sorry but I would tell them. If all women stuck up for eachother instead of burying our heads in the sand on this sort of thing then there would be less cheating men because most would be much more afraid of getting caught! Sorry but to me cheating men (and women) is all our business/problem, it's a creeping disease. I actually believe in marriage and honesty but so feel seem to. Would you be giving the same advice to OP not to get involved if it was your husband or your friend/relatives husband? I think not. Yes there is a risk they may figuratively 'shoot the messenger', just make sure your details are well and truly locked down or do it anonymously. She has a right to know her husband is a lying egotripping toerag.

The thing is that only works if the woman wants to know. And plenty don’t. So saying women have to stick up for each other only works assuming the woman wishes to know. That’s simply not a safe assumption to make. Plenty would really rather not know. Because they don’t want to take action, they don’t want to split, they don’t wish to confront it and as such telling them only forces them to painfully live quietly with the knowledge rather than blissful ingnorance,

@summercupcake

It's depressing how many posters are saying don't tell her.

I agree. She’ll be on here in a couple of years time, in pieces because he’s been sleeping around for years, putting her at risk of STD’s and fucking up her and the kids life. But let’s not tell her 🙄

For the sake of the woman's mental and physical health, find a way of letting her know.

“The thing is that only works if the woman wants to know. And plenty don’t.”

Every time this comes up on here year after year - women who have been cheated on basically say “I wish someone told me / I was the last to know” - or if they haven’t been cheated on “I would like to be told I’d this was happening to me”

I have not read someone saying “I was glad that no one told me as I was happy to carry on for all those extras months and years putting my sanity and health at risk”

Sometimes women in this position already “know” something is off - but have no proof as the cheating snake lies, gaslights and covers his tracks.

“The thing is that only works if the woman wants to know. And plenty don’t. So saying women have to stick up for each other only works assuming the woman wishes to know. That’s simply not a safe assumption to make. Plenty would really rather not know. Because they don’t want to take action, they don’t want to split, they don’t wish to confront it and as such telling them only forces them to painfully live quietly with the knowledge rather than blissful ingnorance,”

Of course no one wants to split, to have to take action etc - they may indeed make that CHOICE for themselves - to turn a blind eye or to rebuild. They may already be in this arrangement. That is their right. But they may also make another choice with new information about THEIR life and that of their children and any future children.

I'd tell her, as I'd want to know myself.

None of your business. Stay well away.

I'd want to know. End of. Maybe she's happy and knows about it. Maybe not. I'd want someone to tell me though.

Difficult one!

If I were the wife: I’d want to know.
If I were the children: I wouldn’t want to know.

On balance, the presence of children would maybe swing me towards silence? And you never know, perhaps they have an open marriage.

Though what @ESGdance says is also true!

Tell her but only with unequivocal evidence ie screen shots. Even worse than not knowing is being told by someone else and then gas lit by your husband who deletes everything so you have no idea what is and isn't true.

People say they'd want to know and I get it. But my friend was in a relationship with a married man, she didn't know he was married. The wife wanted to know so my friend told her and this woman has gone to great lengths to destroy my friends life. She stalked and harrassed her, emailed her job and everything. So before you do, maybe think about the back lash it can have on you. Not everyone is like his wife but just be careful.

Imagine the scenario
You happily living your life with DH and DC. Halloween fun, taking pics and posting them on Fb. All is great in your world, yet all the time your DH is active on a dating site , presumably looking for sex ( since that’s the aim for a lot of people).
Honestly, who wouldn’t want to know.
I’m damn sure I would 100% want to know, so I could make the decision of weather to stay or not, armed with all the relevant facts.
Maybe they have an arrangement where she knows and accepts it, but I doubt it.
I can never understand how married men go on dating sites, I mean don’t they even care if their wife finds out? The amount of people who use them, the probability of being spotted by someone that knows them isn’t minuscule. I don’t get it 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Amelia90

Please, please don't. It really is none of your business. And to receive a message from a stranger, especially just before Christmas, would be heartbreaking.

Also is he actually having an affair or is going on these apps as far as it gets? Please don't get involved in someone else's business. Especially someone whose wife you don't know. Personally I think if you did it would be cruel.

I would want to know, and I would tell the wife too, whether it was Christmas, Halloween, Pancake Tuesday or Groundhog Day.

The thing is so many claim they would want to know but I’ve known loads of women to stay with cheating partners when they have found out so I just don’t believe that it’s true, I know a woman who found condoms in her partners jacket after a night out she was pregnant at the time but she didn’t even ask or confront him she just turned a blind eye, so many don’t really want to know. This woman isn’t ops family member or friend, she’s a stranger so no I wouldn’t get involved.

@KrispyKremeDream

The women who say keep out of it really do have internalised misogyny.

I wonder if you’d take the same approach if it was one of OPs female friends cheating on her husband. I’m guessing not.

I would tell the husband. No one deserves a cheater except another cheater.

I'd tell her. If she already knows and they have an open relationship or whatever, then no harm done, she isn't going to care if she knows already and accepts it. If she doesn't know, she can then decide if she wants to stay with a man who has no respect or love for her, or if she wants to leave. Least she has the facts then.

I'd want to know she's being made to look like an idiot and although she doesn't want to hear it she deserves to know

Someone told me one of my exes cheated on my I thanked them for telling me saved me a lot more heartache

@TurnUpTurnip

The thing is so many claim they would want to know but I’ve known loads of women to stay with cheating partners when they have found out so I just don’t believe that it’s true, I know a woman who found condoms in her partners jacket after a night out she was pregnant at the time but she didn’t even ask or confront him she just turned a blind eye, so many don’t really want to know. This woman isn’t ops family member or friend, she’s a stranger so no I wouldn’t get involved.

I stayed, I’m happy and he works hard but I’m damn glad I know what he’s capable of though.

@Bluntness100

This kinda reads like you’ve been Facebook stalking him op? And her?

Stalking him? By looking at his accessible Facebook profile?

I'd just let her know that her husband is in on Hinge and she can do with that what she will.

I don't understand people who just flippantly say stay out of it, none of your business.

The fact you know he is married and has a family and is more than likely cheating on her and have some potential knowledge of this kind of makes it your business. You obviously have good morals and this isn't sitting well with you.

If I was the wife I'd 100% want to know.

You're not telling her he is cheating. You are just giving her the heads up and she can investigate then for herself.

I wouldn't think badly at all of anyone who told me something like this about my partner. I'd be bloody grateful to be honest. If its nothing, its nothing. But if its something then you have given this woman a chance to make a decision on her future with him. A choice she doesn't have at the moment.

I actually wouldn't want to know.

I might if I suspected something and was going mad. But even then I'd want to be told by someone whose identity I could verify, and ideally who knew me well enough to be a support afterwards. I definitely don't want to receive some nasty anonymous note that could be from anyone, quite possibly someone I don't even know at all, and who's probably now watching to see what happens...dropping a bomb in my life and protecting only themselves. And I certainly don't want to be told "he's sleeping with Sarah" by someone who doesn't actually know that, and only saw him having coffee with Sarah in an out of town cafe

But if he's having an affair right now, he's hiding it very well. I suspect nothing, we are in love as far as I'm aware, our family and home are secure and I'm happy. Maybe he will blindside me tomorrow and tell me he's having an affair or he's leaving me for Sarah. I'll be devastated if that happens, but if it's going to, then it ought really to come from him.

It seems that 99% would want to know - and as you can’t ask the Q to ascertain the A without revealing your hand - it seems that it’s best to err on the side of what 99% want.

@Bluntness100

This kinda reads like you’ve been Facebook stalking him op? And her?

Exactly!