Should I message his wife?

[YellowRose81]

I’m 40, single and use a couple of dating apps occasionally. A while ago, I saw a guy I used to know at university on Hinge. We were good friends about 20 years ago (had a drunken snog once but nothing else) and are friends on Facebook but never talk really. I swiped right on him just to see what he’d do (for those that don’t know, Hinge is different to Tinder - you get notified if someone “likes” you and can then decide whether to match with them or not) and he matched with me a while later. We had a bit of a chat, just about what we’re up to now, no flirting or anything - it was more of a “haha fancy seeing you here” thing - I knew from Facebook he’d been married and had young kids, but I just presumed he and his wife must have separated/divorced. Eventually in the chat I asked him about his wife, but he never answered and the conversation stopped. I deleted Hinge after a while and forgot about it.

Anyway, I recently saw some photos on Facebook he was tagged in with his wife and their kids so I presumed they must be giving it another go. A few days later I re-downloaded Hinge…and tonight I’ve spotted him on there again.

I’ve just been looking back through the recent photos on FB, there are some she’s put up just from yesterday of them out for Bonfire night with the kids and friends, then some from Halloween etc. To me, they look very much like a family. But maybe they’re just staying amicable for the children? I know it’s not really any of my business but having been screwed over by men in the past and reading a lot about similar experiences from others on here, I am feeling uneasy and wondering if I should message her about seeing him on there. If he/they get angry at me for it, I haven’t lost anything as I don’t really have a friendship with him any more and could just cut him off without too much trouble. But should I do it or should I just mind my own business, swipe him left and forget about it? I’ve screenshot his profile just in case.

he really wouldn’t be able to turn up at my door. Apart from Facebook he has no contact details for me, I don’t live anywhere near where we went to uni and am in a big anonymous city. I don’t think he even lives anywhere near me so not sure how he came up on Hinge twice for me as my location settings are fairly tight.

Well, as long as you aren’t on LinkedIn etc then.

One of my friends had an awkward situation where somebody (presumably who she fell out with) started sending anonymous ‘complaints’ etc to her employer. Pretending to be a customer who didn’t want to identify themselves but felt they should inform the company about her conduct. It was obvious that it was somebody trying to create trouble but she was still really embarrassed having to keep meeting with HR and her boss.

I think it’s naive to think there’s not at least a slim chance he’ll try and get revenge if he’s a bit of a sneaky/underhand character, which cheating on his wife would suggest.

I would not put my nose on it.

[quote Tafelberg]@FallonCarringtonWannabe yeah, the first time I saw him on there it was just bland chat, about what we’d been doing work-wise since uni, that was basically it. I then said something like “so how come you’re on here, I’m sure I saw you got married?” or words to that effect and he just never answered. I can’t remember the exact conversation as it was ages ago and I deleted him/the app eventually. So I guess if I did message her I’d probably just tell her I’d seen him on it and knew he was married so thought she might want to know. I’m not sure. But yes as others have said I’m getting very mixed input here. I’d be fully prepared for her to be angry with me or not believe me, and yeah she may well already know - I just wonder is that reason enough for me not to give her the information? I don’t know.[/quote]
The reason not to do it is because you don't know these people. Ok, you sort of know him but no longer in any meaningful way. You just do not know enough about the situation or the people involved to make an informed decision about whether you'd be doing more harm than good. You're not involved and it's not your business. You won't be there to support the wife if she needs it because you don't know her. You've no idea what the effect on anyone could be. You're not the morality police of strangers' private lives. You're not friends with or close to these people. You didn't have a relationship with him. It just isn't anything to do with you and you don't know if she would welcome your involvement or not.

If you did decide to contact her, though, then a) don't hide your identity. That's just headfucking and says that you think everyone deserves consequences except you and b) just tell her what you know and nothing more. No conjecture, no speculation, no made up stories. Just what happened and no assumptions that you know any more than that.

@KrispyKremeDream yeah, it’s a good point. My LinkedIn is very locked down but I know what you’re saying. I have an abusive ex who did similar and definitely don’t want anything remotely similar in my life again.

Thanks @DrSbaitso, good advice. I definitely wouldn’t be putting any kind of opinion or conjecture in at all if I did tell her. Would just send the screenshots of his profile and I wouldn’t do it anonymously either for the reasons you outline.

No stay out of it.. you don't know the dynamics and actually would be crossing a huge boundary

I've been the wife in this situation and would rather know.

I have also been the innocent on a dating app and let the wife know. It turned out lots of people knew he was dating/shagging around. When the truth became out she felt horribly betrayed by everyone else who had kept quiet. She was able to get things in order before challenging him because I'd let her know.
But it's up to you. You don't really know them and it can cause a lot of hassle. Personally I think she needs to know.

My friend did this once.....told the girlfriend (not wife), said if she had her time again she would have kept quiet.

I know if it was me l wouldn't say anything although if l was her l would probably want to know.

Please, please don't. It really is none of your business. And to receive a message from a stranger, especially just before Christmas, would be heartbreaking.

Also is he actually having an affair or is going on these apps as far as it gets? Please don't get involved in someone else's business. Especially someone whose wife you don't know. Personally I think if you did it would be cruel.

I would tell her. I would want to know.

@TerraNovaTwo

The women who say keep out of it really do have internalised misogyny.

The poor woman. I wish her nothing but happiness in her life without this sleaze bag.

This^ I'd want to know. Making informed choices about my own life and so on

I'd want to know.. would you want to know if you were the wife?

I'd stay well out of it

Also is he actually having an affair or is going on these apps as far as it gets?

Um, if my husband was on these apps and messaging other women I would absolutely want to know regardless of whether he had actually taken it further! It's a betrayal of trust.

Yes, tell her anonymously

Are you 100% sure that the FB photos are his wife / children? Could they be his sister?

A lot of people are concluding that the OP should tell the wife because they'd want to know in the wife's position. However, this doesn't necessarily follow that it's a good idea for the OP to do it, when there is no benefit to her and a fair bit of risk of reprisal.

I mean, if I went bust tomorrow I'd love for a mysterious benefactor to pay off all my debts. Does that mean that it would be a good idea for that other person to take on the financial debt of a complete stranger? Probably not.

If the wife were a friend of the OP then it'd be different, but this is a complete stranger. If the OP wants to help complete strangers there are many charities and career paths that facilitate this.

@TerraNovaTwo

The women who say keep out of it really do have internalised misogyny.

The poor woman. I wish her nothing but happiness in her life without this sleaze bag.

I don't think it's internalised misogyny. I think its more a case of not wanting to disrupt someone else's life. For what? Spite?

I know a man who has been having an affair with a married woman for four years. She has a teenage child at home. Should I tell her husband so all their lives can be thrown into chaos? Fortunately, I don't really know the husband. I wouldn't seek him out just to give him bad news.

Screenshot and send

Put it out of your mind, are you a trouble maker usually.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle I'm.in a similar position. One of my (single) friends has been in a relationship with her married colleague for over 10 years. When it started his children were young teens. Over the years I have wondered about letting his wife know(I don't know her at all) but I have no idea of their dynamics. And I know its absolutely nothing to do with me.

I wouldn’t get involved

Stay out of it. She’s not your sister or your life long best friend, it’s just not your business.

How would you intend on messaging her? On Facebook?

It cant be anonymous then if that is the case.

It is were me, I wouldn't. You don't know anything about their marriage and you don't know her.

I don't get why someone would put their details up (name and photo) on a dating site if they were doing it on the sly. Surely you won't have been the only one to see him there. I have been on tinder and and usually if they say they are married, they don't have their own photo up.

You must do what you think is right though. I would only do it if I knew the wife in all honesty.