Should I message his wife?

[YellowRose81]

I’m 40, single and use a couple of dating apps occasionally. A while ago, I saw a guy I used to know at university on Hinge. We were good friends about 20 years ago (had a drunken snog once but nothing else) and are friends on Facebook but never talk really. I swiped right on him just to see what he’d do (for those that don’t know, Hinge is different to Tinder - you get notified if someone “likes” you and can then decide whether to match with them or not) and he matched with me a while later. We had a bit of a chat, just about what we’re up to now, no flirting or anything - it was more of a “haha fancy seeing you here” thing - I knew from Facebook he’d been married and had young kids, but I just presumed he and his wife must have separated/divorced. Eventually in the chat I asked him about his wife, but he never answered and the conversation stopped. I deleted Hinge after a while and forgot about it.

Anyway, I recently saw some photos on Facebook he was tagged in with his wife and their kids so I presumed they must be giving it another go. A few days later I re-downloaded Hinge…and tonight I’ve spotted him on there again.

I’ve just been looking back through the recent photos on FB, there are some she’s put up just from yesterday of them out for Bonfire night with the kids and friends, then some from Halloween etc. To me, they look very much like a family. But maybe they’re just staying amicable for the children? I know it’s not really any of my business but having been screwed over by men in the past and reading a lot about similar experiences from others on here, I am feeling uneasy and wondering if I should message her about seeing him on there. If he/they get angry at me for it, I haven’t lost anything as I don’t really have a friendship with him any more and could just cut him off without too much trouble. But should I do it or should I just mind my own business, swipe him left and forget about it? I’ve screenshot his profile just in case.

I would keep out of it. You don't know what's going on - she might know, might not believe you, etc.

Why don't. You pull him up first? Ask him why he's on the app when married?

Asking for trouble getting involved, OP.

It's depressing how many posters are saying don't tell her.

I've seen two ' happily married' men from my community on Tinder/Hinge this year. I know both their wives (not well but enough to chat to)
& I chose not to tell them . Perhaps they were having a break? Perhaps their wives are aware? Either way I chose not to say anything.

Stay well out of it, absolutely no good will come from it and if done I think you'll soon regret it.

I would screenshot it and send it. Wouldn't you want to know!?!? I bloody would.

She probably knows and has turned a blind eye. Don’t expect her to thank you for telling her. In my experience, as tempting as it is to telling her just don’t.

@Nibblypiggotonabus no good will come of it? What, apart from some poor wife out there who hasn't got a clue suddenly very much having a clue and being able to make a decision based on that, and not lies? Pah. She has a right and if it's all innocent, no bother.

If you’ve seen him on there twice, I’m sure other people who are closer to her have as well. I’d leave it personally and not get involved. She may well know anyway

The women who say keep out of it really do have internalised misogyny.

The poor woman. I wish her nothing but happiness in her life without this sleaze bag.

Thing is, these are effectively strangers to the OP.

It may not be nice for the wife, but it’s literally nothing to do with the OP. What’s next, driving around on Friday night looking for random fights to break up?

This must be the least useless thread for an op ever posted. It’s like a cartoon with a devil and angel on the person's shoulder.

Op, did you say it was general chit-chat? If so what would you tell his wife anyway?

Fgs i meant least useful.

The women who say keep out of it really do have internalised misogyny.

I wonder if you’d take the same approach if it was one of OPs female friends cheating on her husband. I’m guessing not.

Tell her. She is in the dark. He is robbing her of her choices and putting her health at risk.

Doesn’t she deserve to know what is happening in her own life?

I know it’s not really any of my business

There's your answer.

Hmm I'd probably stay out of it but then I might anonymously send her a link to his dating profile.

@musicviking1

Hmm I'd probably stay out of it but then I might anonymously send her a link to his dating profile.

That's the opposite of staying out of it.

If you do get involved, OP, which you shouldn't, but if you do....at least let the woman know who you are. People who appoint themselves the morality police in the lives of strangers should at least be honest about it. If it's your business enough to start sending missives and pulling levers, it's your business enough to take whatever flak results to you, since you're so happy to dish it out among others.

Don’t forget, OP, that it’s you and not the other people on this thread who might end up with this guy turning up drunk and angry on your doorstep one night.

@FallonCarringtonWannabe yeah, the first time I saw him on there it was just bland chat, about what we’d been doing work-wise since uni, that was basically it. I then said something like “so how come you’re on here, I’m sure I saw you got married?” or words to that effect and he just never answered. I can’t remember the exact conversation as it was ages ago and I deleted him/the app eventually. So I guess if I did message her I’d probably just tell her I’d seen him on it and knew he was married so thought she might want to know. I’m not sure. But yes as others have said I’m getting very mixed input here. I’d be fully prepared for her to be angry with me or not believe me, and yeah she may well already know - I just wonder is that reason enough for me not to give her the information? I don’t know.

@DrSbaitso I’m not “happy to dish it out”. I’m asking what others would do in my position because I am uncomfortable thinking there might be a woman being cheated on, but I am definitely erring on the side of not getting involved because I know I don’t know anything for certain and there are kids in the picture too.

@KrispyKremeDream he really wouldn’t be able to turn up at my door. Apart from Facebook he has no contact details for me, I don’t live anywhere near where we went to uni and am in a big anonymous city. I don’t think he even lives anywhere near me so not sure how he came up on Hinge twice for me as my location settings are fairly tight.

Absolutely not. Stay out of it.

I would of course want to know but I’ve had a couple of friends who’ve outed men for cheating (not with them) and they got the blame for breaking up the family.

One of my friends told her aunty after she walked in on her uncle having sex with someone else. The aunty refused to believe it and the entire family turned of her.

Another one of my friends was in a relationship with someone who she found out had a partner and kids so she told her as soon as she found out. She had to move away from the area she was living as she was getting threats from people for being the OW and breaking up a ‘happy’ family.

@november90

Why don't. You pull him up first? Ask him why he's on the app when married?

I'd do this. See what his explanation is.....

It’s highly doubtful that she already knows her H is on a dating site. He’s making a mockery of her and their children.

OP, would you want to be informed? I know I absolutely would.